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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it possible to have a bit of ongoing support please?

237 replies

Bluehanger · 02/08/2022 09:07

Hi everyone
I'm having a lot of problems at the moment and going through the worse time of my life. Feeling very desperate and alone a lot of the time and wondered if it would be possible to have a post that I could check into once a day to have some contact with people please? If anyone would be willing to offer any advice, that would be welcome too.

Short story is marriage breakdown after 30 years and struggling with painful guilt towards my only adult child. Have been separated 4 months and I've tried so hard to be strong but I've gone backwards and can't seem to do it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluehanger · 03/08/2022 07:04

Thank you. I have spoken to the GP and they're arranging some counselling.

The intrusive thought are horrendous. I feel such immense guilt for things and I know it's irrational, feel like everyone else got it 'right' with their multiple kids but I messed up and have given my son a future with little family.

Hope I'm making some sort of sense

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 03/08/2022 07:05

I feel so guilty for so much. I wish I'd been stronger in the past to have another child so we had a bigger family and now I'm a total mess.

It's completely normal to feel like this - you are shocked & traumatised and are looking for ways to 'blame' yourself - even though you've done nothing wrong.

There were valid reasons that you chose to have 1 DC.

I have often felt very guilty that I got married & had children - that I should have seen the warning signs, that it was unfair to the DC... feeling guilty is very common but destructive & not productive.

Could today's task be making an appointment with your GP?

EarringsandLipstick · 03/08/2022 07:07

I feel such immense guilt for things and I know it's irrational, feel like everyone else got it 'right' with their multiple kids but I messed up and have given my son a future with little family.

I can empathise. I understand that guilt & rumination.

I think some proper sleep would help a little. Can you talk to your GP about appropriate medication?

Dery · 03/08/2022 07:10

Have you spoken to your GP? I took anti-depressants for a while to get through a very difficult period, so that I could do the day to day practical things I needed to do. They were a huge help.

Also, can you talk to your son a bit about your feelings? He can help put your mind at rest. The voice that’s berating you is not really yours. After 30 years of an emotionally abusive marriage, you will be speaking to yourself in his voice, not your own.

This may sound a bit off the wall but have you tried going to church? A good vicar will make you feel very safe and welcome. You don’t have to believe in God. The right church space can be very calming and soothing whatever you believe.

Original poster
Bluehanger · 03/08/2022 07:10

Thank you earringsandlipstick
I hope things are better for you now despite the difficult ex
I'm not sure I did make the decisions for the right reasons. Initially I was too traumatised to have another and then I felt it would be unfair on my son when he was older. I can see now that was rubbish and see so many siblings having adult relationships which destroys me.
So much around about 'giving a sibling' and I couldn't do that and can't forgive myself for that.
I will call the GP again today and see what they say

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluehanger · 03/08/2022 07:13

Dery i can't speak to my son as I'm scared of what he'll say.

Thank you for suggesting getting involved with church. Not sure it would be for me but I'm not discounting it. Thank you

OP posts:
mellongoose · 03/08/2022 07:23

Gently, you sound like you need anti depressants to get you through the next bit.

The bit about the mess and the washing chimed true with me when I had PND. The pills helped and I only took them for six months, then stepped the dose down to nothing. My DH takes them permanently.

My DD is an only. I have guilt about that as her little sister died late in pregnancy.

With an only, you need to invent their tribe! Has your son got life long friends/cousins he can go to?

You need to focus on you in order to help him. Im sorry you're feeling so low, but I promise, it will get better. I thought my grief would consume me, yet here I am.

Hoping you feel better soon x

EarringsandLipstick · 03/08/2022 07:23

Oh Blue 💐

I can guarantee your DS does not feel this war or that you've any reason to be worried about speaking to him. Whether he'd have liked another sibling or not, as an adult, he won't be holding it against you!

You're in a place where illogical thoughts are dominating your mind. Totally understandable in your situation.

Definitely see the GP. Some sleep & help with anxiety will help hugely.

KangarooKenny · 03/08/2022 07:27

I’ve got 4 kids and two of them don’t speak, won’t be in the same room.
They are now grown up and I hardly ever see them, only if they need money or I buy them a meal. Honestly, multiple children is no guarantee of a harmonious family,

Original poster
Bluehanger · 03/08/2022 07:27

Thank you. I'm so sorry about your second daughter. Lots of love to you.

We haven't got a tribe. He has friends but no cousins or anyone like that.

I'm going to speak to the GP today but I really don't want to take antidepressants again. I was taking Prozac for 10 years until a few years ago.

I want it all to go away. I want to see that the future will be okay, Ridiculous eh,

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 03/08/2022 07:28

I honestly think you need some antidepressants to get you through this. I know it’s hard to see it when it’s happening to you, I had this with my DH, but please see multiple people telling you that you need help 💐

christmas2022 · 03/08/2022 07:30

I'm glad you're seeing a doctor today, try to stay open minded about the medication as can it really be worse that how you're feeling at the moment and wouldn't it be worth it if it makes you feel a bit better or able to get some sleep.

Take a slow shower getting yourself ready today, wash your hair and moisturise your skin. Look after yourself.

Original poster
Bluehanger · 03/08/2022 07:30

I get what you're saying earringsandlipstick But it was my job to give him the best life/set up not lumber him with a situation that he would prefer not to be in. I was so stupid to not consider the bigger long term picture.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluehanger · 03/08/2022 07:31

Thank you kangarookenny

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluehanger · 03/08/2022 07:33

Its from all angles which makes it so difficult - small family, made worse by horrible ex, made worse by dysfunctional horrible family.
If one area was okay, I'm sure it wouldn't feel as bad.

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 03/08/2022 07:44

Believe me I know how you feel and how hard it is to get out of this mental fog, but you absolutely must take action.

Get back on to antidepressants, they'll help you deal with the rest. Try a different one, Cymbalta maybe rather than an SSRI.

Seek counseling and try not to mull over your son's situation outside of therapy.

Start sorting out your house - you WILL feel so much better.

Eat a good diet and exercise.

EarringsandLipstick · 03/08/2022 07:48

Bluehanger · 03/08/2022 07:30

I get what you're saying earringsandlipstick But it was my job to give him the best life/set up not lumber him with a situation that he would prefer not to be in. I was so stupid to not consider the bigger long term picture.

Do you know he feels like this though? Or are you guessing it?

I have a lot of guilt about my own DC, so I get it. But it's not productive or a valuable use of your time - which needs to be focused on getting yourself well & securing your future.

Good luck with the GP.

AuntieDolly · 03/08/2022 07:49

Do you know how your son feels about the situation or are you projecting?

Dery · 03/08/2022 07:49

Actually there’s also evidence that only children typically do very well in life because they haven’t had to compete with a sibling for their parents’ love. I have a number of friends who, for various reasons, have only children. As a PP said, I also know people with siblings who don’t get on at all. They hate each other. You’re looking at the whole sibling thing through rose-tinted spectacles perhaps because that’s easier right now than trying to unpack other feelings. It’s understandable but your feelings are just feelings - they’re not facts.

Dery · 03/08/2022 07:51

“I have a lot of guilt about my own DC, so I get it. But it's not productive or a valuable use of your time - which needs to be focused on getting yourself well & securing your future.”

This, too. There are some very fundamental things I would do very differently if I could re-do them. This comes with being a parent, I think.

Original poster
Bluehanger · 03/08/2022 08:38

Thank you so much everyone. I can't reply for a while.

OP posts:
BraveGoldie · 03/08/2022 09:02

I'm shocked by the number of people with no medical training pushing somebody they have never met and know almost nothing about into taking powerful, mind-altering drugs! That is really irresponsible!

Yes, seek medical advice - see a GP and/or a therapist- and medication may be some part of the answer or may not. There is no way anybody on Mumsnet can know whether it would help or not.

OP, I'm sorry you are feeling so awful. I have an only child and have also been through divorce. It is a terribly hard time. But there really will be light at the end of the tunnel. You sound like a lovely person and you obviously love your son lots, so he is really lucky for that. There are plenty of advantages to being an only child and lots of people who do have siblings aren't particularly bothered or connected to their families anyway. And as another poster says, I've met TONS of people who are traumatised in someway through bad sibling relationships. Have net a few people who have said they would prefer siblings, but nobody traumatised!

I know it feels hard to imagine now, but things can and will get better. It's really hard if you are feeling guilty, but try to be kind to yourself. You sound like a kind person. What would you do for a friend who was suffering like you are? You might tidy their dishes to help them feel better. You might say 'yeah... I care about you and your sadness' you might make them a cup of their favourite tea and encourage them to relax and drink it..... just pick one thing and try to do it for yourself. You deserve compassion and you are being really tough on yourself right now.

Sending hugs,

Mabelface · 03/08/2022 09:12

Whilst my 20 year marriage wasn't abusive, it still took time for me to recover from the break up. I'm now nearly 7 years in with a new job and new friends, loving living in my own place. You're still raw and grieving. It will get better.

EarringsandLipstick · 03/08/2022 09:25

I'm shocked by the number of people with no medical training pushing somebody they have never met and know almost nothing about into taking powerful, mind-altering drugs! That is really irresponsible!

And I'm shocked by someone throwing out a stupid comment like this, apparently unable to read the thread.

Posters have a) shared their own experiences of taking medication to deal with similar feelings & difficulties b) have suggested that based on OP's posts (extreme anxiety, irrational thoughts, inability to organise & make decisions and lack of sleep), that medication may be helpful and c) advised she start by going to her GP which is what she is doing
*
Nobody* is 'pushing' the OP into anything.

So many of us have been in similar situations and while each person's need is different, we can recognise the pain OP is in.

This has been a supportive thread for someone in distress. Let's try to keep it that way.

Original poster
Bluehanger · 03/08/2022 14:50

Spoke to the doctor who has given me a number for a support group whilst I wait for counselling. No medication at the moment.

Everywhere I've looked today it's families with multiple kids whether that's online or out and about.

How will I ever get out of this painful rut.

OP posts: