Is it possible to have a bit of ongoing support please?

[Bluehanger]

Hi everyone
I'm having a lot of problems at the moment and going through the worse time of my life. Feeling very desperate and alone a lot of the time and wondered if it would be possible to have a post that I could check into once a day to have some contact with people please? If anyone would be willing to offer any advice, that would be welcome too.

Short story is marriage breakdown after 30 years and struggling with painful guilt towards my only adult child. Have been separated 4 months and I've tried so hard to be strong but I've gone backwards and can't seem to do it.

Sorry not to be around in the small hours often - I sleep badly and have an early start to work so always rushing around when I wake up. I love the poster who said you found your anger - sometimes that can really motivate!
Could I suggest you simply 'park' the sibling issue for a while , while you tackle the other more practical things? When the thoughts come, say to yourself something 'oh hello you, I'm a bit busy/tired to deal with you right now. We'll do this another time'. Because, just maybe, if you feel more able to deal with the other pressing matters, you'll start to feel a little more in control and able to resolve or at least come to terms with the guilt you have. Which you know in your heart stems from your own childhood and is not a valid reason to beat yourself up.
And try and identify how you feel throughout the day, connect with it and decide what that feeling needs. E.g.
-I'm really weak and drained = my body needs something healthy to eat (a banana for a quick snack, a salad of tomatoes and mozzarella is cheap, knocked up in seconds and feels like a luxury.)
-I feel like a mess = my body/mind needs to relax (have a shower/bath and do your toenails, put on something that you love but don't wear very often). (this will give me away to my old counsellor, but I once had to be trained to understand I was worth buying myself a new bra, having lost all my self-esteem and confidence in my shitty marriage!)

Clothes - sort into trash/recycle/sellable (put the sellable ones away for now as it's a time-consuming business.) If you do feel able to call on a friend, many people love helping with this sort of task. Or use the Marie Kondo Method - lots about it online and even a tv series, she has this twee yet magical way of training you to hold an item and connect with the emotion it gives you (you only keep it if it gives you joy, not guilt about spending money on it or sadness that you want to lose weight to wear it again etc). It's very freeing.

Rugs. REALLY hard to clean well. If they're ever so tatty,/stinky wouldn't it be simpler to bin them and use old towels for the dog, much easier to wash? I'm sorry he's not so well right now.

Fence. Why don't you ask your son to help with this? He might know some mates who could do it for/with him.

Lighting - maybe not the most urgent issue if it's the hall but save up, bite the bullet and get an electrician in. Probably £100 plus fittings.

Has anyone on the thread mentioned Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? I'd send you my copy but it's heavily highlighted! It's a brilliant book that really gives insight into abusive behaviour, helping you to unpeel the shame and stigma that abused women assimilate so easily. I think you can get pdfs of it free online.

Thanks so much Twillow. Reading and taking all this in.

I've downloaded a sample of the book, thank you.
Really not in a good way at all this morning. What have I done? Why did I let him get away with his behaviour? And shape my son's life? Why did I do that? What the hell is wrong with me?

When does your counselling start? You really need some help to get out of this rut of
Self blame.

Three positives for today

-its 9 days since you last posted. 9 days ago you didnt think you could get through another day. You have. You ARE surviving even if it doesnt feel like it.
-you have a home, a pet, a son and a job. It might not feel like a lot. But its something to get up for in a morning. Some people have nothing.

Thanks Magaluf1999
I don't have a date for counselling but there's a contact at the doctors who I can talk to briefly once a week which I appreciate.

I'm grateful for what I have. Definitely! There is an element of feeing sorry for myself but mainly it's the guilt I feel towards my son.

I knew the horrible ex had a nasty side so what the hell was I doing having a child with him? And then just one child to these two mismatched parents and in particular a selfish pathetic father. I can unlock why I allowed that to happen but it's not okay. I'm so disgusted with myself. After coming from dysfunction it was my life's aim to not subject a child to any of that.

Outwardly his family seemed respectable, 'nice', a contrast to mine but it soon became apparent that they were damaging and very toxic. Very selfish. Look down on people on benefits. Look down on homeless people. Would literally step over them in the street. No empathy. No compassion at all. Every man for themselves attitude (his dad and sister really. His mum was kind) yet I put up with it. A total total idiot.

Bump
Thank you

What you son actually needs, is not a sibling. He needs to believe that his mum in time is going to be ok. That he doesnt have
To worry about going to uni or moving out. Or delay his plans. He needs to know that he can still spread his wings. This is what you could choose to focus on. Think about how you get there.

By focussing on a past you cant change. You are stuck and prevented him giving him the future he probably wants.

If all else fails. Sit him down and chat to him. Explain to him that one of the things you are struggling with is the fact you never gave him his sibling. See how HE feels about it. You might be surprised by his reaction. Apologise if you feel its necessary. Cry and have a cuddle. Its worth a try if it releases you. Nothing is worse then what you are imagining.

@magaluf1999 100%. Just sitting down with him could be a great thing for both of you. no more pretending you're ok when it's obvious you're not. Held in guilt is terrible for your health and your good health is going to make his life better.

I'm not going to burden him with my guilt. That's not fair. He doesn't need to know.

Have you tried writing down how you are feeling? Writing a journal can be really helpful with getting thoughts out of your mind.

Ok, so the conversation you feel isn't an option to free yourself of the burden. What other solution are you going to work towards? What steps are you going to take today to make today a better one or at least 1% more positive then yesterday?

I do this and it does help. Helps to unpick thoughts a bit. Also make notes on my phone

I don't know. I went out earlier to try to shift my mind but its not really helped. I'm resigned to feeling like this forever. I can't change things and make them how I want them/need them to be so I need to accept this despair is how it is.

You CAN change things. But not by yourself. You need someone else's help. Get up and ask for that help. Even if it's just so that person confirms what you think. You shouldn't say you haven't tried. Make a phone call, book a session with a therapist, start talking to someone who is qualified to help you. We very rarely can do things on our own OP, you're not the only one.

I'm sorry to be defeatist, I know it must be really annoying but I can't afford a therapist at the moment.
The panic is awful today. Panic and regret. I bloody hate myself.

Here is a short exercise to release stress and anxiety OP Maybe you will like it

Not at all

I have been there

My god it is hard

How you now OP

One day at a time 🙌❤️❤️❤️❤️

Thank you .

Thank you Queenie just existing through each day. Crying lots.

If anyone is able to chat, would be grateful. Thanks very much.

Don't understand how people can behave as they do and be so blind to their selfishness and nastiness. How can my mother live her day to day life when she's refused to come to my house for a few hours, knowing how much I'm suffering?

How can the evil bastard (ex) not see how utterly selfish and self absorbed he is? Just vile. I hate him so much.

His mind is so twisted and so entitled. He makes me feel dirty, witnessing the way he is. The total mental block he has about who he is. So condescending, so exasperated, so entitled. How do people live like this? I truly hate him.

All the porn stuff makes sense now. He was never in a relationship with me, he always had his 'side' thing going on, be that porn or emotions. Stupid, stupid me when I was trying something different to try to make him interested in me and I felt uncomfortable and asked for the lights off and he said 'but I need to see you'. All so apparent now! Such a horrible person. No regard for me as a person, no respect for me. Totally all about him 100% of the time. No intimacy or affection with sex. Rough and detached. Always voicing a preference for the shaved look. How stupid am I?!!!!!!! Jesus. Why was I chasing after this horrible creature who manipulated and used me.
And now it's all broken. I'm alone. My son has split parents and no family. It's all wrecked. I shouldn't have been such a stupid stupid idiot.

I've had no emotional support ever in my life from the people I should have. That's obviously going to mess you up. My mother calling me a c@@@ and a madam all my childhood. Finger in my face a lot of the time. My dad leaving to be with a 15 year old. A husband who has only ever put his own weird twisted needs first and used me. Really really upsetting, all of it. And me bringing a child into that shit. I did my best. I know I did and still am but it's been so bloody hard. So cruel and so painful. Mainly because of other people who are supposed to care. Struggling with this, this morning.

I can't do this. It's too hard. It's always been hard

Hi there,

You are giving a lot of your mental energy to people who aren't worth it. You are torturing yourself with expectations of how they should behave and what you assume they are thinking. The reality is-you don't know. You have to stop this. Put something in place-everytime you start off on this loop, set a five minute timer and indulge yourself and then when the timer goes off you stand up and you do something productive.

You can't change the past. But you can control your own future. You are on your own and thats shit. But those people didn't treat you well and alone is better then that.

You have had a lot of kindness on the thread and a lot of positive and gentle suggestions
most of which you have rejected or not acknowledged. How can we better help you? What are you looking for?

Thank you. I've tried to acknowledge everything. I'm sorry if I've missed anything. I appreciate, more than I can say, people taking the time to reply. I really really do. I read the responses and can tell they're heartfelt and it means so much. Certain things I don't feel I can do, for example talk to my son but I'm taking it all on board. One thing in particular that I keep saying to myself is that I've got to show my son a good life. Also, breaking down tasks and joining groups (in the future). It's all going in so thank you everyone

What I need is to just talk really. To rant and to probably repeat myself and have some kind of reassurance in a way I suppose. I've been bullied and abused and I've turned that all inward on myself. Im truly broken! I won't be forever but this is so hard and when I know that certain people could help me, it makes me feel 100 times worse. People that I have done so much for. I can't explain that well and I know I need to break away and I keep going back for more hurt (even if just in my head) but it's quite a lot to take! I've been shit on all my life! And I know this is a turning point in my life but it's SO hard at the moment. People I expected to be supportive have totally let me down and it's been salt in the (great big gaping!) wounds.

I've got to a point where I'm so physically worn out. If someone could come and clean and sort the house I'd be in a much better place. But then there's probably hundreds of us who could do with that!

Thank you for taking the time to reply again. I know it may be frustrating to some but this thread is keeping me going.

Magaluf1999 I actually felt a bit stronger last night but then it all comes crashing down again. Appreciate those strong moments however fleeting though eh. Progress in a very small way.