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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it possible to have a bit of ongoing support please?

237 replies

Bluehanger · 02/08/2022 09:07

Hi everyone
I'm having a lot of problems at the moment and going through the worse time of my life. Feeling very desperate and alone a lot of the time and wondered if it would be possible to have a post that I could check into once a day to have some contact with people please? If anyone would be willing to offer any advice, that would be welcome too.

Short story is marriage breakdown after 30 years and struggling with painful guilt towards my only adult child. Have been separated 4 months and I've tried so hard to be strong but I've gone backwards and can't seem to do it.

OP posts:
SortingItOut · 06/08/2022 07:45

Can you write a to do list in bitesize chunks and include self care things as well to break the day up?

If the event is something you've always gone to then you should be there,I can only imagine how uncomfortable you felt but it will feel better in time.

Original poster
Bluehanger · 06/08/2022 12:33

Snog · 06/08/2022 07:44

How was your son?

He was okay thanks. Bit edgy beforehand anticipating people asking questions but we managed to dodge that really. He said the ex wouldn't even think about that side of things because it doesn't affect him. Horrible selfish creature.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluehanger · 06/08/2022 12:36

SortingItOut · 06/08/2022 07:45

Can you write a to do list in bitesize chunks and include self care things as well to break the day up?

If the event is something you've always gone to then you should be there,I can only imagine how uncomfortable you felt but it will feel better in time.

Thanks. I'm trying to get little jobs done.

Have to think about what to do ongoing with the commitment we have. My mind is frazzled and I get angry that 'he' has caused all this and just swans about like a little child with no responsibility or accountability. He couldn't give less of a damn. Only cares about himself and his weird little world.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluehanger · 06/08/2022 15:27

Hi is anyone around please? Feel a big blip brewing.

Can't believe my whole family have left me to get on with it. Literally couldn't care less about me. Such horrible weird people. I've done so much for all of them.

This then freaks me out about my son's future and I hate myself that I didn't make his family bigger. I didn't know that my extended family and 'he' were going to be like this. I just can't believe it.

The weekends are torture. Absolute torture. Thanks to anyone who's reading.

OP posts:
SortingItOut · 06/08/2022 16:27

In an ideal situation what would you want your family to do?

How have your family been before when there's been a crisis in the family?
If they've never stepped up why did you think they would this time?

Why would your son ever want to reach out to them for support if they're not supportive?
This is not about the fact he has no siblings, this is your guilt being projected.
So many people don't have family support even when they have siblings.
You only have to read on here about families that don't talk to know that having siblings doesn't guarantee support.

Original poster
Bluehanger · 06/08/2022 17:33

Well I stupidly thought they'd be supportive with this situation - maybe pop over and phone to see how I am. They're completely not bothered and untouched by the whole situation which I find incredible.

When I look back I can see they haven't been supportive or cared but I've never really asked them for anything so it's never been put to the test.

My mother refused to visit for the day. She lives an hour and a half away. Too much effort and doesn't fit with her dysfunctional set up I suppose.

It's hard to take.

OP posts:
SortingItOut · 06/08/2022 17:42

I grew up with emotionally unavailable parents and me and my siblings are too. No one discusses feelings but if anyone needs practical help we're all over it.

I split from a partner of 3 years recently and my parents haven't said or done much although when I visited this week my mum asked how I was, I said ok.

I have other friends who I have leant on for support as I know my mum can't offer the support I need. Its not her fault, she was brought up to just get on with things.

You haven't answered my question about what you want from her except to say you thought she'd be supportive - what does that look like to you?

Original poster
Bluehanger · 06/08/2022 17:51

To phone to check how things are and visit once, maybe twice.

OP posts:
Ohtoberoavingagain · 06/08/2022 18:04

My mother was useless too. Told me I was a fool to let him go ( yeah, right) From then on she ignored me and the children.
Your son will survive, he’ll find his route through his work, friends, interests.
Do something for you every day. Paint your nails, spray a new perfume on yourself in a store, go somewhere different or just have posher biscuits with your cuppa. My philosophy was I might as well look after myself, no other buggers going to.
30 years married is along time but there’s a reason you chose to leave it, remember that reason.

Original poster
Bluehanger · 06/08/2022 18:19

Thank you but I want my son to more than to survive. I want him to have security and bonds.

OP posts:
SortingItOut · 06/08/2022 18:20

I'm not making excuses for your mum but you called her dysfunctional so it might be that she doesn't have the mental space to reach out to you because she can't sort this for you and can't offer emotional support so better to offer nothing.

When I left my abusive marriage after 17yrs my mother barely said anything or checked up on me, I've accepted that's her way and don't expect anything else from her except a drink when I visit.

It's amazing how much better my life is once I accepted my mum for what she is

Original poster
Bluehanger · 06/08/2022 19:05

SortingItOut · 06/08/2022 18:20

I'm not making excuses for your mum but you called her dysfunctional so it might be that she doesn't have the mental space to reach out to you because she can't sort this for you and can't offer emotional support so better to offer nothing.

When I left my abusive marriage after 17yrs my mother barely said anything or checked up on me, I've accepted that's her way and don't expect anything else from her except a drink when I visit.

It's amazing how much better my life is once I accepted my mum for what she is

I agree, that's what I need to do. Can't help feeling resentful though and not able to understand how people don't try to offer a little support, even if in a very small way.

So worn out and not able to articulate all my feelings properly. It just seems hard from every angle and if one thing was a bit better I'm sure it'd have a positive knock on.

Feel like I'm droning on now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluehanger · 07/08/2022 05:40

Anyone awake please?

OP posts:
ManAboutTown · 07/08/2022 05:42

@Bluehanger - hi there. Are you feeling a little better. What do you have planned for today?

Suetodo88 · 07/08/2022 05:47

Bluehanger · 03/08/2022 05:45

It's the future I'm worried about. For my son.
I'm totally alone and never want him to be in the same situation.

The extended family have made our lives much harder. I've given so much to them and none of them are willing to help me now. I'm sure that's not normal!

@Bluehanger

You can’t possibly expect your extended family if they’re his blood to help you if you are the one who has dumped him. They’re not your family anymore any more than he is your husband.
No offense but that is your choice.

Original poster
Bluehanger · 07/08/2022 05:54

I didn't 'dump' him. He's given us a life of hell for years and nearly killed us and went of his own accord (we're glad he's gone)

It's my blood relatives which I've explained.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluehanger · 07/08/2022 05:57

ManAboutTown · 07/08/2022 05:42

@Bluehanger - hi there. Are you feeling a little better. What do you have planned for today?

Hi, afraid not. The immensity of being the only person in the world for my son is hard. He's such a good person and deserves so much more.

We have a very elderly dog who we will lose soon. I messed up so badly. Our dog should have been a sibling and I shouldn't have tried to plug that hole with a dog.

Much of the same today. Trying to get through the day. Get a few jobs done from the massive backlog. Laying down in between doing things as I'm so exhausted. Sorry to sound so negative.

OP posts:
ManAboutTown · 07/08/2022 06:06

@Bluehanger - This sounds like a really low level suggestion but when I was having a bad day I liked having the radio on - music I liked, a bit of chat. Makes you feel less alone for sure

Original poster
Bluehanger · 07/08/2022 07:03

Thank you

Bumping

OP posts:
RadiatorCrush · 07/08/2022 07:14

Just offering some solidarity to you OP. I'm the only one my only DC can rely on and the enormity of that is overwhelming a lot of the time. I agree with the PP that music helps when you are alone and worried, either to soothe and allow the pain out, or to lift you up. Sometimes I need to feel the pain and cry, I hold everything together and bottle it up to be able to keep going, and although hard and desperately sad it is very cathartic to let it all out sometimes and music helps that process. Usually in the middle of the night is when I need that most.

Upsidedownpineapplecake · 07/08/2022 07:15

There is no need for you to be perfect or to have made perfect decisions
Sounds like you are proud of your son and he is a good guy. He has his own life to lead and can reach out to include others. There is no reason to think he won’t do this.
well done on your efforts today.

Original poster
Bluehanger · 07/08/2022 07:25

Thank you. I really am in a mess today

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluehanger · 07/08/2022 07:26

RadiatorCrush · 07/08/2022 07:14

Just offering some solidarity to you OP. I'm the only one my only DC can rely on and the enormity of that is overwhelming a lot of the time. I agree with the PP that music helps when you are alone and worried, either to soothe and allow the pain out, or to lift you up. Sometimes I need to feel the pain and cry, I hold everything together and bottle it up to be able to keep going, and although hard and desperately sad it is very cathartic to let it all out sometimes and music helps that process. Usually in the middle of the night is when I need that most.

Sorry you feel the same. It's so hard. Beyond hard. I wish I could sleep and sleep today

OP posts:
RadiatorCrush · 07/08/2022 07:34

Does your son know how much you worry about him? I know what you mean about sleep. Spending all day tired but then not being able to sleep at night is exhausting.

Original poster
Bluehanger · 07/08/2022 07:35

RadiatorCrush · 07/08/2022 07:34

Does your son know how much you worry about him? I know what you mean about sleep. Spending all day tired but then not being able to sleep at night is exhausting.

He knows I worry but not about this. I don't want to put things in his head. I'd never tell him.

OP posts: