Is it possible to have a bit of ongoing support please?

[Bluehanger]

Hi everyone
I'm having a lot of problems at the moment and going through the worse time of my life. Feeling very desperate and alone a lot of the time and wondered if it would be possible to have a post that I could check into once a day to have some contact with people please? If anyone would be willing to offer any advice, that would be welcome too.

Short story is marriage breakdown after 30 years and struggling with painful guilt towards my only adult child. Have been separated 4 months and I've tried so hard to be strong but I've gone backwards and can't seem to do it.

The Samaritians are great if you need a caring voice at the end of a phone. xx

The thing is these people you think should be helping you, they probably can't. Even if they wanted to, with their own issues and their own emotional baggage and histories they feel unable to consciously or subconsciously. Their refusal to engage with your pain isnt about you; its about them. Some people just dont have the emotional skills or its just too triggering.

Write them all a letter about how bitterly disappointed you are and then burn it and let it go.

Its also a really really common trait in people battling anxiety to fixate on what others 'should' be doing. I know-I have to watch for it in myself.

Also, in a major life event. Its REALLY common for people to let you down or pick sides. That happens to most people its not a YOU thing. But if you open your heart and mind just a little over the coming weeks and months-there are also people who will surprise you with their generosity and warmth. Just look at the people on here. I believe that people, the vast majority are inherently good.

Your trigger point seems to be evenings and early mornings. Can you develop some coping strategies for these times of the day. Its when the world is so quiet and you feel so alone. Can you read a chapter of your favourite book. Or watch an episode of your favourite tv program that gives you comfort.

Can you dig deep and pull the funds together for a one off deep clean? You might be looking at 60-100 pounds but the effect on your well being would be enormous. You have an adult son living with you-he has to play a role too. 'Hey son, the state of the lounge/my room is really getting to me could you help me out with it for a couple of
Hours tomorrow'? He will be pleased to see you wanting to get to grips and be willing. Could he contribute half towards the deep clean given it is his responsibility too?

Its great that you are having moments were you recognise the hours before were better. Progress isnt linear. It ebbs and flows.

Not all counselling has to be paid for btw and you can self refer in many trusts. Look into it.

So after 30 years your marriage broke down, was there a catalyst for this ?
You say he left, was that for someone else or because you finally disengaged from him and he went?

Your guilt seems disproportionate towards your son being the only child, has this question never reared it's head before ? You do seem racked with guilt, someone who has made bad or wrong choices, there seems to be a lot that's not being said. Of course it's up to you how much you reveal but I think posters are a little confused to the real crux of the problem.

Whatever is going on, it's not the end, things change, they always do and you must try not to keep beating yourself up, everyone makes mistakes and has regrets. No one has a perfect life or scenario, we all have made wrong choices and turnings in life.

You will get over this, you will become stronger, time will help and heal and I'm sure your son will be perfectly fine, he knows no different.

Take care and seek out help, I agree you should call the Samaritans to really open up and get some relief and sucour.

Remember nothing stays the same and choices don't have to be so fixed.

Thanks but there's no way out. The Samaritans, as lovely as they are, can't take the problem away or change things for me.
I've been excruciatingly lonely today. Saw one of my brothers briefly. He didn't ask how I am or if I needed anything. On the contrary he told me how well he's doing sorting his house and what he was seeing at the cinema that evening. (Knowing that I'm struggling with my house and have been alone for months) I don't expect these family members to stop their lives for me but this level of hardness is something else.

I understand what you're saying magaluf1999 about people not being able to help but sometimes it's as simple as they don't want to help. And that's hard to process. I wish I could be logical and pragmatic about it but I can't. I'm gobsmacked and destroyed. These are my close family. People I have taken on foreign holidays,supported through their own traumas and would have dropped anything for.

I've ended up alone and ruined and people on here are even questioning if there's more I'm not telling them. (There's not.) This isn't a criticism of anyone but it makes my feelings feel invalidated which I've had a lifetime of from my mother and ex husband.

What I see around me are self absorbed, self serving people with no emotions, hearts of stone.

I have self referred for counselling. It's a long wait but I've started the process.

What a positive step to have achieved before you go to bed. Well done.

Thank you but I referred myself weeks ago.

The problem when you are going through great changes, and the ending of your long marriage must be huge, is the questions that come up about the many different aspects of your life.

Change makes you question everything, the dynamics of your life are different and those relationships that surrounded your marriage will change. You are changing, maybe expecting more than you previously did.

Families can be thoughtless, but people never really understand what you are going through, so I do think finding a councillor would be a good idea to open up and release some of this pressure that is mounting up.

Take care

Wish I could sleep and sleep

You are beginning to sound like you have suicidal thoughts? If so please speak to your doctor again about how low you are. They deal with this all the time, you are not going to get locked up! The Samaritans are there 24 hours a day, I think this would really help in terms of someone to listen to you 'rant' as you said.

It's perfectly acceptable and understandable for you to be annoyed and let down by your family. They sound useless and heartless. But your feelings towards them are not going to change them, you're the one being hurt. In time you will feel better - I know it's really hard right for you now but you can do this - you can get through it and look back and be proud.

Please stop calling yourself stupid. If you could have done anything differently at the time you would have done it.

I don't recall seeing anyone on her suggesting you have hidden information, sorry if I missed it, what I can see is a lot of really great advice and lots of people rooting for you.

When I'm in a bad place I find there are two strategies that help.
The first one is: that there are some days when all you can do is give in to the misery/pain. And forgive yourself for those days, because they were necessary.
The second one is: write a post-it with three things to do that day. All simple, achievable but necessary. Some are house chores (e.g. wash up), some are life chores (e.g.pay bill), and some are self-care (e.g. dye hair). Even if you only do two out of the three it is a step forward.

Hi @Bluehanger, how have you been today?

Hoping you'll come back on