Is it possible to have a bit of ongoing support please?

[Bluehanger]

Hi everyone
I'm having a lot of problems at the moment and going through the worse time of my life. Feeling very desperate and alone a lot of the time and wondered if it would be possible to have a post that I could check into once a day to have some contact with people please? If anyone would be willing to offer any advice, that would be welcome too.

Short story is marriage breakdown after 30 years and struggling with painful guilt towards my only adult child. Have been separated 4 months and I've tried so hard to be strong but I've gone backwards and can't seem to do it.

OP you say that you are worried that your son is isolated without a sibling.
Does he feel isolated? Or is this a worry of his or yours for the future?

This guilt is very unhelpful to you and your son. What would be good for your son is if you could concentrate on healing from your divorce and being supportive to him. Counselling could be really helpful to support you at this stressful time in your life.

Around 20% of UK women have no children at age 45, around 20% have one child, 40% have two children and 20% have three or more.

No family size is better or worse per se.
You will hear people say that children need siblings to be happy but this is just not true. For every close sibling relationship there is another relationship that is not close and lots of children who would have preferred not to have a sibling.

Do you work or volunteer out of the house?

Have you had your menopause status checked? Sometimes when you are going through traumatic times other things can get forgotten. I thought I kept waking up because I was so stressed with my circumstances and the less sleep I got the more stressed I felt. Turns out that my thyroid medication was way out of whack and I needed progesterone to help me sleep and estrogen to calm my anxiety. Talking therapy also helped.
hope you are having a better day.

Snog Where did you find those statistics please? I do work every morning but only part time at the moment. My days are filled as I have so much catching up to do from the carnage he left (wasn't interested in the home at all so broken fences, piles of rubbish, broken light sockets etc etc). I suppose my mind is able to run wild whilst I'm doing those things though and there's no outside distraction.

Good idea to get menopause levels checked. I've always had bad PMT. Thanks

There is another way of thinking of this, and counselling will help you see this.

But that is multiple kids then multiply the worries. Absolutely no guarantee they would get on or support each other or you. Or feel the same about it. One could have special needs or MH issues or have been made redundant or just miscarried or have 3 under 3. What you envisage is a fantasy. You are beating yourself up over a fantasy. Multiple kids one could side with each parent and it could be hell on earth. So id strongly encourage you to let it go.

Your son needs to find his own support network. He would NOT want you wasting precious precious energy now going back over the past.

I had a mantra at the peak of my divorce. 'One foot in front of the other and breathe'. Some days that is all you can manage.

Be as open as you can. Some people let you down but some people surprise you.

Here again going through the torture.

Anyone awake please?

Just checking again if anyone is around this morning please? Thanks.

Here

Thank you and thank you for your help yesterday. Just struggling again this morning. Feel like I need regular reassuring and company but of course that's unrealistic. I am trying. It's just so hard.

There's too much to deal with and no one to turn to. Every day is so painful. I don't know what to do. There's no answers unfortunately.

Anyone?

@Bluehanger - I'm around. Really feel for you. What do you have planned for today? Don't know where you are but it looks like a beautiful day here

Thank you so much for replying. I'm dog walking for an hour this morning then have a social commitment with my son. Something we used to do with my ex so he will be there but not near us. All very testing, every day.

Morning @Bluehanger
Here is a link to an online support group called Side by Side. It is run by MIND and is an opportunity to talk about mental health and your feelings in a safe space.
Just thought it might be another outlet for you to unpick why you are so anxious about your adult son not having siblings.
On that note- I know a number of families where siblings have fallen out and are no support to each other. Your son will find his support through friends and one day may have a family of his own. Good luck with beginning to let go of some of your worries. xx

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/side-by-side-our-online-community/

Enjoy the time with your son. I know it is tough with your ex there but can you do something afterwards with your son - quiet drink in a pub, visit to a coffee shop. I'm guessing he has picked up on your mood and will be concerned about you.

Yep Manabouttown. Got to paint on a 'face' for this evening. Hard but I can do it! Really trying to be a good example of someone who doesn't let themselves be disrespected. Haven't done a good job up to now.

Bluesuffragette thank you SO much for the link. Really think that's going to help me. Thank you.

@Bluehanger - get out there and enjoy. Make your lad's night!!!!

Hello all trying to keep this thread going please as a support. It's so hard to keep going every day and this helps to not feel so alone.

Awake again with intense worry as usual.

Thanks to everyone who has helped me so far. I really can't say how much I appreciate it

Hi Blue, do you wake everday at 4ish? Earl waking can be a sign of depression. Did you make an appointment with your GP yet?
A small self care plan?

Yeah I wake throughout the night, often in a panic.
I'm going down the counselling route at the moment. Thank you for commenting, it means so much, really helps me to try to be focussed. Everything is so overwhelming.

Night time is always the worst time time. I know its hard but can you try and play a game on your phone to stop yourself panicking ? Wordle or scrabble or something? In the past I've found it stops me spiralling and help me calm down.

How was the social event yesterday?
I hope it wasn't too bad.

Yep that helps sometimes, thanks. I've got to get though this weekend. Another on totally alone. Last week I went and sat in the car for hours but I really need to stay here to try to sort the mess I've made. It's all so overwhelming.

The social event was okay but I felt like I shouldn't be there which was horrible. It's going to be an ongoing thing so I really don't know how to play it in the future.

How was your son?