Why do people get angry / seem to take it personally if I say I don’t want to date someone who watches porn?

[Sonervousimgonnathrowup]

Now, I don’t go and keep telling this to people, but sometimes people ask what I look for in a partner/ ideal type etc.
Do I say few things and one of them is that I don’t want to be someone who uses porn.
I think know the industry is abhorrent and so misogynistic and someone who wants to support that is going to have very different values and worldview, so we wouldn’t be compatible.

But people, even women and even crazier some are ”feminists”, laugh and say I’m asking tol much.

Is it really that crazy?

@NalaNana
Most of the OF ”news” are more or less clickbaits .
Average monthly salary is 180$.

They really aren’t making hundreds of thousands.
Just so you know.

My husband doesn't. Not every man does

OP stick to your guns. There is nothing wrong with not settling for someone who doesn't match your morals.

The pro only fans crowd also loves conveniently ignoring the issue of how OF has contributed to an environment where all women are now seen by many as potential sex workers. Go on some of the most popular sites on the internet—reddit and twitter—and see how any post with an even remotely attractive woman doing something entirely normal will have comments asking if she has OF. Same goes for girls turning 18 on Instagram, and same goes for posts on local subs where women are desperate for a job. This is all normal behaviour now and you'd be called all sort of names for disagreeing.

Imagine going to job seekers and them telling you to apply to do sex work. It's not like any other job for goodness' sake!

I saw a tweet the other day from a 19 year old girl selling 100 photos on her OF for £3. Scrolling through her twitter she started her OF account last year and have rapidly slashed her prices and is advertising more and more so-called hardcore stuff to barely any followers. It's sad.

Many men (and women) now think that the way forward for women and girls is OF while the highest paid and most influential jobs in the word are still male dominated and in the case of fintech and tech especially, still largely misogynistic.

But I guess it's all ok and I'm just a puritanical, out-of-touch hag.

@ChiTorpedo

Yes, and also why is it that everything that ”empowers” women has to do eith nudity or sex?
You know, the things men want from women.

It's ridiculous, isn't it? There's even a popular narrative going around now that men are the ones who are discriminated against because women can always turn to sex work and "make bank" if they ever need more money. Meanwhile, when men are in the same position I don't see people making posts and comments about how they can become a gay male prostitute or gay porn star to make money. Similarly, I seriously doubt school boys are being sold the idea that sex work is the future for them.

Personal choice is all well and good and people are free to make them, but it's so frustrating when people won't acknowledge that their personal choice contributes to a worse environment for women all around due to what they're normalising in society today.

Oh, I’ve seen men say they are the true victims of the ”sex industry” because women know men will pay money to for material / sex, and it’s the men who are taken advantage of.

Crazy world!

I feel sad for many of the women on Only Fans. Its a sorry way to earn a living.

A friend of mine said she'd told her 2 dds to find a rich husband so they didn't have yo work (my friends dh is the breadwinner and she's a SAHM).

There are a lot of backward ideas around!

@ChiTorpedo totally agree- see
My post about scientists etc!! This will literally 'bite them on the arse' and come back at the when older

People get angry because they settled, but you chose your line & are willing to stick to it.

There are plenty of women who would prefer not to have partners who are into porn, but they'd rather put up with it than be alone.

They don't react well to women who have set a higher bar as they see it as an attack on their choices.

Women have been groomed to think it is a necessity/right/positive/just what men do.

Men managed for thousands of years before the internet gave them easy access not watch videos of this stuff, but the more access they have, the worse it gets.
They become numb to it & need a more extreme situation to get their high from.

Yes, I know, they made dirty pictures/statues etc... but they were nothing compared to some of the filth out there nowadays.

Nobody needs porn.

A friend of mine said she'd told her 2 dds to find a rich husband so they didn't have yo work (my friends dh is the breadwinner and she's a SAHM).

Saw a post on this very site once, the topic was about whether it'd be alright if she only sent one of her kids to private school, and there was a poster talking about how it's not so bad if her DD went to state as girls can still have a nice life if they marry well!

You are completely right to stick to your values.

The conversation about porn has been totally hijacked by people who can't wait to tell you that:

• the majority of men watch porn


• you are a prude for having an issue with that


• it is ''empowering'' for women to be in that industry.

There is some serious gaslighting going on and we are being told to ignore the fact that a lot of the easily accessible porn online commonly shows scenes where women are degraded and treated in a rough and callous way.

This is having an impact on how men, especially teenage boys/young men develop their understanding of sexual relationships and how they then behave towards women in real life. It is incredibly harmful that women and girls are then routinely expected to ''perform'' in same way as these actors in porn videos.

Porn is not real sex...

People can also get addicted to it and become numb to real relationships.

In the end porn is about making money and keeping people hooked, it is not an altruistic industry which cares about helping people having better sex lives or educating them on how to be a respectful and generous partner...

In answer to your initial question, possible reason people would take it personally📧

1. They watch porn. It is therefore personal to them.


2. They were asking a light hearted 'what do you look for in a man' and weren't expecting things to turn so dark so quickly. (If I asked a close friend that question, I wouldn't be shocked if they mentioned porn, if I asked my neighbour's daughter / a colleague over lunch, it might throw me a bit).


3. If you're coming across as sanctimonious / lecturing when you answer them, and it's getting people's backs up. They were being polite and got a lecture on something they may not be comfortable talking about.

For people to actually get 'angry' you've either hit a nerve with them, or you've come across as lecturing them, as 'angry' is an odd response.

Men managed for thousands of years with other kinds of visual stimuli. Nobody needs internet porn, but porn in every other sense has always existed. Anyone accusing others of having low standards comes of as sanctimonious.

Like if someone gets cheated on, you say 'well, wouldn't be me, I chose a good man'. You don't know for certain that your DH would never and people don't like being insulted, typically.

Anyone who refuses to accept even the smallest possibility of their partner watching porn is deluded, even if they're partner actually doesn't. The possibility is still there that they checked (even on the very rare occasion). It only takes a second, an instantaneous lapse.

What is this all men watch port shit? No they don't. There are some men who still have moral standards and would not want to watch women being degraded.
If your male partners watch porn, then I am sorry, but don't try to normalise it.

It's because misogyny and internalised misogyny are so commonplace now that even women seem to be onboard with enabling the poor imagination-less menfolk OP.
They see it that anyone who views it differently is naive and a prude. They like to insinuate there is something wrong with not being all porn-positive or some bollocks.
I doubt they know what good sex is because it definitely doesn't involve porn 😂

Oh and by the way, studies have shown that both women AND men are equally 'visual' so I do wish people wouldn't push that lame bullshit either. It's so 80s.

@layladomino

I’m not sure why so many here have been so extreme with building the picture od how these conversations went down.

Of course they have been very close friends (who themselves have talked about sex), I’m not going around shouting at strangers to find porn-free people.

It’s not ”dark” topic, all I said few other compatible things to match my lifestyle and that not being anti-women is important.
They asked more about that, I said few things that includes, one of them not user/ supportive of sex industry.

I don’t lecture, I trust adults being smart and already for most part know by now that it’s not filled with cotton candy and hugs.

They’ve been bugging me for being single for awhile, have asked me what I’m looking for / if they can set me up with someone, I’m not againts that, so I gave ”my list” and here we are.

One more time for the porn defenders, I don’t go on all the time how awful anyone who watches porn is.
If you want to watch it, watch it.
But I won’t share and build a life with someone who does.
That’s all.

Because now days people believe that every single person on this planet watches it. And anyone who claims they don't are lying which is ridiculous. I personally don't, even the very 'mild' sort makes me feel sick and I prefer to be with someone who also doesn't watch it. It does make me feel insecure to be with someone who watches it I'd admit

Here bloody here! Spot on @Namerchangerextraordinaire

I’ve had relationships with men who watch porn, nothing good ever came from them.

I married a man who doesn’t need porn in his life (and, trust me, doesn’t have time to have it as a habit I wouldn’t know about, he’d rather watch cat tik toks 😂).

I have serious concerns over the ‘normalisation’ of porn, particularly hard core porn, and, if you research what this is doing to teenagers of today and their sexual relationships it’s seriously concerning….

I don’t go in for hardcore feminism, I sometimes feel that it can go so far and that it’s counter intuitive, but, when I read studies about the expectations of relationships between teens today thanks to porn, nobody can deny its worrying.

@sassyclassyandsmartassy
Honestly, I don’t even know where’s the line between from ”soft” to ”hard” core porn.
By the time porn became so mainstrean and everyone had decided it totally fine and kink was introduced, seems like everything goes.
Or you’re prude / vanilla / whatever lovely name calling.

I do wonder what it was like before…

@Sonervousimgonnathrowup I agree with you…. It’s terrifying how quickly we accept something as ‘normal’ these days, especially when it involves something like porn!

As a step parent to a 10 year old and knowing what I know, I am acutely aware of what’s happening in the generations to come. Luckily my step son lives in both households where normal relationships don’t involve porn (mainstream or hard core).

Dont get me wrong, I am not suggesting anyone does the missionary position every time they have sex. It’s fine to like having sex and like different things, if you both want it. But there is a line between what both partners enjoy and what is degradation (doing something anyone is uncomfortable with) just because it’s been seen in some stupid made up video!

IMHO you are right to have principles and stand by them.

Dangerous stuff like choking is now outright expected, even women constantly but into these sorts of conservation to say how much they like it as if it makes them fascinating. Even doing that shit once can massively increase your risk of having a stroke.

I remember about 10 years ago we found out a male friend was into choking and he was basically outcast as a misogynist abuser (alongside his woman beating behaviour). Now this stuff is expected of 16 year old girls. I'll 'kinkshame' who TF I like. Some of this stuff is really disturbing, dangerous or indicative of some messed up, predatory sexuality ('littles').

@SpaceGoatFarm I agree with you about 'kinkshaming' too - what's next ?we all have to accept that it's totally normal and expected for blokes to pee on you etc- and you are just being a bit of a prude if you aren't up for it !!

I wouldn't date a man who watches it, especially if it's the age old titilation of watching lesbian porn. There is something missing in these guys' sex lives if they watch it and not all men watch it.