Why do people get angry / seem to take it personally if I say I don’t want to date someone who watches porn?

[Sonervousimgonnathrowup]

Now, I don’t go and keep telling this to people, but sometimes people ask what I look for in a partner/ ideal type etc.
Do I say few things and one of them is that I don’t want to be someone who uses porn.
I think know the industry is abhorrent and so misogynistic and someone who wants to support that is going to have very different values and worldview, so we wouldn’t be compatible.

But people, even women and even crazier some are ”feminists”, laugh and say I’m asking tol much.

Is it really that crazy?

@Jellycatspyjamas
Yes, exactly.
Open-minded is being aware of the industry.
The sex trafficking, the abuse, women who go into it often have childhood sexual trauma, addictions, often die very young.
How watching porn shapes people’s brains.
View on women.
Etc..
I wouldn’t want to be with someone who is not willing to see this or think that ”nah, I’m good, it’s worth it so I can masturbate to them”.

Not wanting to learn, ignoring all this would ve close minded to me.

It’s so easy not to click on those sites.

Women’s boundaries and sexuality has been policed since forever OP. It’s not about to stop, so just stop caring about what other people think.

My biggest bugbear is secrecy and pretending it's an 'occasional thing' when it's 5 times a week minimum. I actually find it an utter turn off knowing someone is perpetually scrolling through all this hardcore stuff with constant pop ups of hookers and webcam sites. I totally lost respect for my H because of this. He still does this and thinks I don't know .

If both partners know about it and are ok with it- then I don't have an issue- even though I personally don't like it- but that's so very often not the case. Personally I like to know'who' im married too and that they actually practise what comes out their mouth, not just say what they think I want to hear.- otherwise I would at 60 rather be single. Not straightforward for me sadly without putting myself in a very poor financial position.

My issue with porn is based purely on consent. I don't give a flying fuck what people do in their sex life, or what fantasies they may have. I don't believe you can consent to something sexually when there's money involved and believe porn and prostitution is technically rape. Some people have hard lines over drugs/alcohol/boundaries my hard line is a man who has used a prostitute and being with a man who watches (not watched) porn. It gives me the most massive ick.

@MaxOverTheMoon that's the biggie I've found. For me it's a total turn off, both mentally towards them and physically - I realise not everyone feels like that and many don't give a shit. When I realised what was going on it suprised me how much I felt it mattered.

"Lowering their standards". Oh dear god. Get off your self-righteous horse, you sound like an old maid.

Do you not think that some women watch porn because they genuinely enjoy it?

@MaxOverTheMoon

But they can consent. Just like you consent to go do a job, you either love, hate or somewhere in between.

Most people in porn aren’t trafficked modern slaves, they could get (and in some cases also have) other jobs, they either just want more money which porn can offer - or they want to live the lifestyle associated with it (free love and partying etc).

I wouldn’t do it, but then I wouldn’t want to do a lot of jobs people do. I don’t think you can put your definition of consent on other women who feel completely capable of consenting with money involved. Who are you to say you know what constitutes their free Will better than they do? That’s extremely superior and obnoxious.

@AWobABobBob
You can disagree, but there is no need for name calling.

Given the choice, I'd stay single!

Technically it's not sexual consent @Tamzina unless you're doing it for free (and free from validation as well as money). Non consensual sex is rape. That's the ick for me. I don't massively care about friends or randoms watching porn, I just would get the most massive ick from a man I was with who did it.

One of my friends did onlyfans, she says it took her soul away. She didn't enjoy it after the first few weeks of raking it in (she made grands), she forced herself to keep performing to make more money. I see sex work like that as non consensual as you're selling your sex for money, if you were rich and didn't need money (or validation from posting yourself) you wouldn't be doing it, and that's the consent issue for me and then the ick that a man I was with would get off on watching or participating in non consensual sex.

I see sex work like that as non consensual as you're selling your sex for money, if you were rich and didn't need money (or validation from posting yourself) you wouldn't be doing it, and that's the consent issue for me and then the ick that a man I was with would get off on watching or participating in non consensual sex.

I can’t think of any job I’d do for free, if I were rich and didn’t need the money. We all work in some way for money, most work isn’t considered exploitative. Your friend had a choice to stop doing Only Fans when she realised what it was doing to her soul, she continued because the money was good. She made a choice and presumably was free to make a different choice in that no one was forcing her, she wasn’t trafficked or groomed into doing it. Her lifestyle would have been poorer but that’s the trade off she made at the time.

Women’s boundaries and sexuality has been policed since forever OP.

Indeed they have, and suggesting that women can’t possibly ever make a choice to engage in producing pornography without some form of compulsion denies the autonomy to make choices about their sexuality. It may not be a choice I would make, but others do.

Trafficking and exploitation is a huge issue in pornography and some people will chose to engage in pornography for reasons that don’t involve either.

I see sex as different than a job. Some do, some don't. I wouldn't be with a man who gets off on non consensual sex, if you would then that's fine and up to you. You don't have to agree with me, I'm allowed to have a line on this, it turns me off, just an alcoholic would turn me off, or a violent man, a man who liked barely legal girls or someone who sticks coke up their nose every weekend and there's plenty of those types of men around and in relationships. It's my ick, doesn't have to be yours. I know my exes didn't watch porn, my exh wanked next to me every morning and night that we didn't have sex, he wasn't wanking to porn and there's plenty of men out there with similar views to me. You might feel differently because you watch it or your partner does so you feel you have to defend it, cool beans, but I'm allowed to feel ick about it and not be a 'cool wife' about certain things.

@MaxOverTheMoon absolutely! We wouldn't all be on here saying 'it's fine that your H is an alcoholic/drug user/chronic gambler' - it seems many of us are perfectly allowed to draw the line over these activities and say 'it's not ok ' but not porn-- probably because its now showing in womens threads as 'lighten up it's normal' - it's been allowed to become'normalised' - I appreciate its always been around , but the normalisation has happened because it's easy to access away from others eyes and a lot of use is far more hardcore and frequent than it ever was.if blokes were sticking hardcore porn DVDs on the DVD player every other day I'm sure lots more women would soon find it plain bloody sleazy and disrespectful

We've got cool wife -
What's the equivalent for a wife who thinks they're better than everyone because they know they're partner never looks at anyone else?

Great that you have your own boundaries but unless you're shackled together, I don't understand how anyone can know. Everyone has to accept there is a possibility however slight or infrequent.

Of course your DH won't be leaving any trace if he's at risk of divorce. He'll delete history, use a VPN, do it in the bathroom or when you're out, if he wanted to.

People are also overstating how popular violent porn is. Although the conditions and possibility for exploitation of the women performing is 100% an issue regardless of genre.

I take the same view as OP. It’s a red line for me. Men are dismissive of it but take the ‘your choice, good luck with that!’ line.

women either get it, or are deeply offended by it and liable to write paragraphs about how un-fun and controlling I am (for setting boundaries around my behaviour, not other peoples 🙄)

I think the reason for it is me having this boundary makes them confront what they’ve decided to accept, maybe because they thought they had to, or not accepting the porn = permanent singleness. Everyone is going to be different though.

I see sex as different than a job. Some do, some don't. I wouldn't be with a man who gets off on non consensual sex,

In what way was your friends experience non-consensual? She chose to do it, and chose to accept payment for it, and could freely have made a different choice to make money in a different way. She consented to sex acts because they enabled her to make money despite the personal impact on her which was her choice, she could have refused.

I have my own concerns about the porn industry, but if someone makes a free choice to earn money from people watching her have sex I’m not going to judge that she’s being coerced.

I agree with you totally but most men do watch it at some point in their life and lots are addicted to it now. I was on a first date with someone and we were talking about this and he was getting crazy discussing this and saying that 'women who use vibrators are just the same and the same argument' I should have spotted the red flag there and then and walked away anyway it turns out he was addicted to porn and hence his ed. Staying single as do not trust my judgement and too tired to deal with a man now, happier single to be honest.

@MaxOverTheMoon

Except technically that’s not true and that’s technically your definition and perhaps a feminist one and not one many people share. Hence the legality of porn. Technically porn performers have consented.

@MaxOverTheMoon

If you were rich enough not to work you might not do a lot of things, that doesn’t prove porn isn’t consensual at all. I’m sure I wouldn’t do a lot of the jobs I’ve had, even ones I enjoyed had I been born in a palace.
The truth is many porn stars have other ways of making money, they either choose that for more money with less hours or they want the party lifestyle. It’s a choice in most cases.

what you seem to find hard to accept is that just because you wouldn’t make a choice doesn’t mean someone else won’t. And the fact they have made a choice you haven’t is somehow proof that they have been forced into it and didn’t have free will.

@MaxOverTheMoon Surely the fact that if the performers do see it as a job that is consensual to them then the men watching them aren’t “getting off on non consensual sex”. Who are you to override the given consent of people actually participating in sex who say they are consenting and legally are? It’s absurd.

You don’t have to watch it but what your saying makes next to no sense at all.

Having sex for any other reason then you really want to have sex with that person is non consensual sex. Whether it's for money, to post online and seek validation, because you're not in the mood but want to please your partner; all of those reasons to have sex means it's not consensual. The only consent is an enthusiastic Yes because of no other reason than you want to have sex with that person, or yourself.

And I know my exh didn't watch porn, he did when he was younger and realised it wasn't nice to watch girls being paid to have sex. He stopped watching a porn a decade before we got together. Porn seeps out, just like alcoholism and cocaine addictions do. Exh was a twat but he didn't watch porn, he hated the culture of men perving on young girls and was respectful to me when we were out together. It's not really much to ask for in my book.

@Crikeyalmighty yup! It's awful to police other women and tell them they should put up with a bloke who watches porn because they do. It's really no different to saying stop being so dramatic about his drug addiction etc.

@

@MaxOverTheMoon

Again that is YOUR definition of consent that you have made up for yourself. It’s not other peoples and it’s not the legal one which is why porn is legal.

Why do you think you can override and correct other peoples free consent to do porn? It’s incredibly sanctimonious of you.

I'm also concerned that it's creating a climate where young girls think 'stuff becoming a scientist or a solicitor or a nurse or a social worker' I can earn 3 times as much getting my tits and arse out on OnlyFans for a good few years . The same is unlikely to be true for men. There no doubt will be people saying 'good for them' but I don't see it that way and I don't think long term they will either

Having sex for any other reason then you really want to have sex with that person is non consensual sex. Whether it's for money, to post online and seek validation, because you're not in the mood but want to please your partner; all of those reasons to have sex means it's not consensual.

Nonsense, you’re saying that if I can’t really be arsed with sex but happily chose to have sex because my partner is in the mood and I’m not bothered either way is rape?

Or someone really wanting to have sex because they really want the money they’ll make from others watching. So women choosing to participate in the porn industry places her partner in the role of rapist despite her choosing to have sex with him. That’s a pretty big stretch and one that carries no weight in law thankfully.