Why do people get angry / seem to take it personally if I say I don’t want to date someone who watches porn?

[Sonervousimgonnathrowup]

Now, I don’t go and keep telling this to people, but sometimes people ask what I look for in a partner/ ideal type etc.
Do I say few things and one of them is that I don’t want to be someone who uses porn.
I think know the industry is abhorrent and so misogynistic and someone who wants to support that is going to have very different values and worldview, so we wouldn’t be compatible.

But people, even women and even crazier some are ”feminists”, laugh and say I’m asking tol much.

Is it really that crazy?

Enthusiastic yes is not my made up definition of consent 😂😂😂

If you want porn in your life then crack on, I don't and don't need to put up with a seedy bloke wanking over non consensual sex. It's really not as common as you believe.

Of course it's ok to place your own boundaries wherever you want them, I don't think that's what might get someone's back up.

In my view the whole "if they watch it they don't match my morals" viewpoint comes across as sanctimonious and judgemental i.e they are lesser than you. It's the same reason meat eaters get defensive with vegans, or atheists with religious people, because there exists and air of "I am more righteous than you because I hold myself to a higher standard".

As an aside, the porn industry has changed significantly over the last couple of years with only fans etc where women are choosing when they work, who they work with, what they want to do etc and raking in 80% of the income. These are not trafficked, abused or non-consenting women. Do you still have an issue with this?

I'm also concerned that it's creating a climate where young girls think 'stuff becoming a scientist or a solicitor or a nurse or a social worker' I can earn 3 times as much getting my tits and arse out on OnlyFans for a good few years

I don’t disagree but celebrity culture promotes this far more than the porn industry does in that it’s mainstream and far more accessible to young girls. Stuff like Love Island actively encourages girls to trade on their looks and their sexuality but we’re not suggesting what happens there is non-consensual, or are we?

What exactly is enthusiastic consent? Does that mean you can't consent to a shag if you aren't beaming with excitement? Or if you are beaming with excitement, but for the payment at the end?

Jelly I genuinely feel sad that you think it's ok to do that and your partner thinks it's ok to have non enthusiastic yes consent sex. I have never been treated like that from a partner, you don't have to either. I could change my mind at any minute and my exes would stop if I wasn't into it, I wasn't seen as a wanking machine. That isn't normal.

Enthusiastic yes is not my made up definition of consent 😂😂😂

You still haven’t answered my question about why your friends free choice to do Only Fans was non-consensual. Or how her free choice to undertake sexual activity online makes the men who watch her exploitative. There’s an argument to say she was exploiting their willingness to watch to the tune of £1,000s according to you.

@MaxOverTheMoon

lol, porn being in consensual is very much your made up definition which is why it’s not law. Actually enthusiastic consent in not the law either.
And certainly nothing you’ve defined as non consensual is seen that way in law or by most people.

Unconsensual

Jelly I genuinely feel sad that you think it's ok to do that and your partner thinks it's ok to have non enthusiastic yes consent sex. I have never been treated like that from a partner, you don't have to either. I could change my mind at any minute and my exes would stop if I wasn't into it, I wasn't seen as a wanking machine. That isn't normal.

You really have no need to feel sorry for me, I’m perfectly happy with the boundaries in my relationships, and perfectly acceoting of give and take in relationships. I’m far from a wanking machine and my partner is entirely respectful of my boundaries. You don’t need to bend my relationship to fit your skewed version of what constitutes rape.

I'm not with the non consensual aspects, as far as I see it if they aren't 'forced' to it they've consented- however as the person above says, I think celebrity culture is also to blame when it comes to women thinking it's easy money rather than a career for most

If having standards/boundaries makes me an “old maid” then that’s fine by me 😂

But something tells me your insecurity over your own choices is showing…

Because they feel attacked. It's the same with any standard you set for yourself.

Don't drink? Saying I'm harming my health?
Don't eat meat? Saying I don't care about animals?
Don't let kids watch TV? Saying I'm a bad parent?
Didn't stay with a cheater? Saying I'm a doormat?

Etc. etc. and so on and so on until eternity.

You make choices that are best for you, and you don't compromise. Everyone does the same.

As an aside, the porn industry has changed significantly over the last couple of years with only fans etc where women are choosing when they work, who they work with, what they want to do etc and raking in 80% of the income. These are not trafficked, abused or non-consenting women.

Who are you kidding. This is just legitimising and justifying porn as "well, it's OK because there are so much better working conditions for women nowadays", well woopie-do, great stuff. What a fantastic thing to have such an array of choices.

How about society gives women better opportunities and conditions so they aren't forced into a corner, having to degrade themselves for the entertainment of blokes. Now there's a thing.

Love Island has a lot to answer for, that's for sure. Another form of legitimised abuse, on mainstream TV.

It's okay to not want to date someone who watches porn. It's a horrible habit for some men and they get obsessed with it. I worry how young men are getting such skewed ideas of sex.

When I met my husband I had made it clear that I did not want to be with someone who watched porn. My 2 ltr exes were addicted to it and so there were many issues associated with it. I don't think you are asking too much at all. You are just specifying when you want in a partner.

If you ask your man if he watches porn most are going to lie and say no, so unless you catch him you will never know. I’m sure an MPs wife did not imagine her husband watching porn until he was caught in the commons, the only way to be sure is never get married, then you can uphold your principles without any problems.

One of my pet hates about MN is the insistence that all men watch porn. I suspect a high percentage of men do.... sadly....... but not all men. It is not a given and there are men who object massively to the porn industry and see it for what it is.

I'm sure they do, but the ones who say it don't necessarily follow their word because of impulse, or maybe they just look at alternatives to online porn (but still use porn in another form). There are men who don't watch but it's still near impossible to tell.

So, your right, but nobody can guarantee that their partner doesn't use it, or that they don't view any other kind of porn as a substitute.

Which is exactly the same as not being able to guarantee that your partner isn't cheating on you, or using drugs, or has a gambling habit, or has some other habit or behaviour that they are hiding from you. It's not about controlling or monitoring, or guaranteeing. It's about being clear and upfront about what is a boundary for you and why, and what would happen if it ever were to become a known issue.

It's incredibly interesting what a low opinion some people have of all men. That they, all, cannot help acting on their "impulses" and cannot help lying about it to their partners.

Gambling isn't anywhere as near as common as masturbation. I can't guarantee my partner will never cheat on me, nobody can.

But cheating requires more effort to keep up that tugging your penis and pulling your pants up again.

Some men rarely watch porn is more accurate than saying your partner never watches it and then saying everyone else has low boundaries

It's a bit tiresome to keep repeating 'all men', nobody can guarantee it's all men, either. But maybe some people need to get off their high horse thinking it'll never be them. That's probably why op has 'angry' responses, although I doubt that too.

I've seen this crap drifting into attitudes about people who use prostitutes as well. Achingly cool lib fem types saying (verbatim) 'theres nothing wrong with finding a nice sex worker for yourself'. I hate this bullshit.

I suspect the 'only fans' women earning hundreds of thousands of pounds doing what they want on their own time would consider having to answer to a boss, beg for holiday leave etc more degrading than having sex with people they want to have sex with

Also I have no issue with legitimising porn.
My only concerns are the safety of those involved and keeping it away from kids. Adults making choices that are lawful is nothing to do with me (or you, by the way).

My general feeling is anyone can watch it as much as they want in a relationship but don't be suprised if you are secretive about it and your wife/partner finds out and isn't quite so ok with it and totally goes off you. Womens libidos and attraction to someone are fragile things and if they can get the ick because you wear polo shirts or don't like the way you scrape your plate then sure as day is night many most certainly will get the ick at your multiple times a week porn viewing on the quiet. Might not seem logical to some, but hey ho , it is what it is. I remember my mum finding a stash of quite hard core magazines in the 70's clearly belonging to my dad, ripping them all into tiny shreds and dumping them on the bed and them not speaking for at least a week