Why do people get angry / seem to take it personally if I say I don’t want to date someone who watches porn?

[Sonervousimgonnathrowup]

Now, I don’t go and keep telling this to people, but sometimes people ask what I look for in a partner/ ideal type etc.
Do I say few things and one of them is that I don’t want to be someone who uses porn.
I think know the industry is abhorrent and so misogynistic and someone who wants to support that is going to have very different values and worldview, so we wouldn’t be compatible.

But people, even women and even crazier some are ”feminists”, laugh and say I’m asking tol much.

Is it really that crazy?

Actually there have been a study on men and porn. The study had to be abandoned because the researcher could not find a control group who didn't watch it.

Sorry dm link www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2261377/Porn-study-scrapped-researchers-failed-ANY-20-males-hadn-t-watched-it.html

OP I wouldn't be angry but yes I would think you sound a little naive. You sound like I did before I started dating men. I thought that all men being obsessed with porn and sex was an outdated idea, I thought come on, it's modern times now, women like sex too, all men don't watch porn, some women watch porn, etc etc.

Now I've had a few relationships my views have changed. Men aren't like women, they really are obsessed with sex in a way we can't even understand. If a man wants to watch porn, he will, his morals won't matter. My DH doesn't watch porn, that's because he has a very very low sex drive, not because he is super moral. If he had a higher drive, he absolutely would I'm sure.

I suppose I'd ask you, what is so annoying to you if someone scoffs. Who cares if they have a different view. What is to even gain by telling them? Do you want them to be impressed and praise you?

Peoples reactions are accurate. You can want what you want but all the people saying all men do it are right and saying your naive not to think so is right to. So I guess there right your asking too much.

I mean would you rather have a man who if asked can admit he watches porn but keeps it private and doesn’t try to force you to do anything you don’t want to do or would you rather a man who lies and says he doesn’t watch porn but does.

Personally I couldn’t have a relationship with a (healthy man with sex drive) man who claimed he was all against porn. If immediately think he was a liar and probably strange about sex.

This is a classic example of what I mean, OP, when I say that you may find women who have capitulated to and accepted misogyny. And you may find others who have done so, too 😀

The reason straight women get defensive and say all men do it or ask what’s wrong with porn is either because - they watch porn to some extent and are fine with it and genuinely don’t think anything is wrong with it.
Or - they know their husbands and friends (probabaly sons) watch porn and they’re fine with that and see it as normal for men.
So in either scenario you coming along and telling them that they or the men they love are doing something horrible to women in watching porn isn’t going to go down well - hence the coldness and mocking of you.

Many women watch some form of porn and other women see porn as little more than romance or sex novels/shows for men, no different than 50 shades. Or some women who don’t watch just put it down to “stuff men do” and don’t give a shit.

Do what you wish but I wouldn’t bother telling people you won’t accept a man who watches porn, your fighting a losing battle if you think you’ll get anything but the reaction you do.

You absolutely have the right to have expectations within a relationship. If a person doesn't share those expectations and they are not issues over which you feel that you want to compromise then you don't have to enter into a relationship with them and vice versa. It's rarely possible to find someone with whom you can agree on every issue but that wasn't your point. I am assuming that it's the red lines that are the critical ones for you.

This is a classic example of what I mean, OP, when I say that you may find women who have capitulated to and accepted misogyny.

I am as big a feminist as they come but it's not accepting misogyny, it's accepting reality. I have massive issues with porn and hate it, but going around saying "I (posh voice, sticks out chin) will find a perfect man who wouldn't countenance such a thing, we will be above all that" isn't addressing those issues. No one is above all that.

It's like if a new young couple tells you "s/he is the perfect one for me, we are so in love that we will stay in love forever and forever, nothing will ever change". You think that's nice but come back to me after 10 years and 2 kids....

I agree re defensiveness. Either they or their partner watch porn and its been accepted between them, so they feel judged.

Fwiw in my small sample of LTR (3) 2 of them never liked watching porn.

Do what you wish but I wouldn’t bother telling people you won’t accept a man who watches porn, your fighting a losing battle if you think you’ll get anything but the reaction you do.

Did you miss the whole context of this post? OP was rseponding to a specific question: sometimes people ask what I look for in a partner/ ideal type etc. She looks for someone who isn't a misogynist. Totally fair, and plenty of such men exist. Why do you think that that's not OK for her to say? Why does it make you so dismissive?

It's not a "perfect man". Gven the cultaral context; it's a decent man who appreciates that women are also human and resists misogyny. And yes, they do exist. Quite a few, if you look.

@WGO

I mean they should know right?

@littlegreenheart

Most men who watch porn don’t pay for it though, it’s free.

I think a misconception some anti porn commenters have is that women have “capitulated” to men in not caring about porn, as though there was ever a time when masses of women felt differently. But that’s no so, most women have always throughout history just accepted men were different sexually and not bothered to pry into their private delights.

I mean have you seen the highly sexualised frescos of Ancient Rome or the very public and accessible brothels at Pompeii? This has always been the way things are - the only time it hasn’t been is when men decided to get all uptight and puritan and pretend they didn’t do these things and punish women for anything considered every remotely sexual “immoral” by them.
I know which type of men I would rather live in society with and it’s not the puritans.

And yes, they do exist.

I suppose the problem with porn is, it's impossible to know if someone watches it or not. Unless you use keylogging software on their phone you won't know.

As I said above: my "red line" is slightly different: I don't date anyone who pays for porn. Or for sex.

I think maybe what's making your friends annoyed is not the idea, but the snotty insistance that of course you will find such a man. If you said you won't tolerate porn and men's sexist behaviour, therefore you are never dating again, people would completely understand and respect that.

Also you must be the one bringing it up, because during many years of dating I was never asked what I was looking for in a man. Nor do I ask that. Everyone is looking for the same. A normal nice person.

@littlegreenheart

What's the difference between a man watching free online porn or paying for it though?

It depends on what you define as porn. Where do you draw the line? It goes from extremely mild to extremely hardcore. Some porn is much milder than some films that are not considered porn. What about film stars that do sex scenes? In some cases they will be being exploited but would you ban the viewing of sex scenes in all films and tv? I agree that some porn is horrendous and I would find any man who watched that type deeply unattractive. I expect that is the case for most women. However, is a very grey area where mainstream entertainment ends and porn begins. Most people are interested in sex but sex isn’t always so straightforward. It is very common for people to be both tempted and disgusted by porn. I think you have oversimplified a very complicated issue that many people have conflicting views about and that is why you are getting a negative reaction.

Thing is someone might watch porn when single but not in a relationship. So they understand porn is unreal and not how you should act,/ treat partners in reality and once they have a partner they stop watching it.

Reading this with interest. My teens/early twenties were pre-internet (I guess) and I was honestly was surrounded by non-porn users (still am). None of my long term boyfriends used it and at the time a close friend caught her boyfriend using it and dumped him as she was so disgusted. We saw porn as absolutely exploitative of women, dreadfully abusive and seedy as hell.

I can see that view has changed but it still holds true for me and my friends.

Men have certainly managed to get their way on this!

Does your view extend to ethically made, female led porn? I think yabu if you expect to find many or any men who don't watch it.

@Tamzina
Personally I couldn’t have a relationship with a (healthy man with sex drive) man who claimed he was all against porn. If immediately think he was a liar and probably strange about sex.

This is so sad.

@RaisinGhost
I suppose I'd ask you, what is so annoying to you if someone scoffs. Who cares if they have a different view. What is to even gain by telling them? Do you want them to be impressed and praise you?

You have it backwards.
They care and scoffs that I have dofferent view.
If you had read my op, you’d seen I’ve told when asked what I’m looking for.
Impressed and praise me? hah, c’mon - it’s well known fact that women not liking porn makes the uncool or something, prudes etc.
So, no, I’m not waiting for praises.
Honestly your whole comment was so off….

I don't like porn either and I don't think it makes us uncool or prudes. Even if it did I don't care, I'm fine with being a prude. I absolutely hate it as I said.

But telling someone that and them replying "you're asking a lot" (as you say in the OP) is hardly a strong or angry reaction. Why does it bother you so much. Just reply "yeah maybe I am" and that's the end of it, surely?

I think you’re projecting when you think I’m being ”snotty”.
And saying porn is a deal breaker is what I have said, no one (and you can see some of them on this thread too) has really respected it.

No, people ask me about dating / what I’m looking for, I really wish people would at least read the op.
I guess we have different group of friends, mine ask.
And yes, I indeed am looking normal and nice person - that includes not watching porn.

I think you are projecting when you say your friends are angry, scoffing, etc, when all they've said according to you is "you're asking a lot". That doesn't sound angry to me. Why would they be angry or indeed care at all? Of course you have ever right to date whoever you want.