Why do people get angry / seem to take it personally if I say I don’t want to date someone who watches porn?

[Sonervousimgonnathrowup]

Now, I don’t go and keep telling this to people, but sometimes people ask what I look for in a partner/ ideal type etc.
Do I say few things and one of them is that I don’t want to be someone who uses porn.
I think know the industry is abhorrent and so misogynistic and someone who wants to support that is going to have very different values and worldview, so we wouldn’t be compatible.

But people, even women and even crazier some are ”feminists”, laugh and say I’m asking tol much.

Is it really that crazy?

Seems like anything I say will be patronising so I'll leave you to it. I'm not wrong though.

You're limiting your options by taking this stance
@WordleGummidge

Yes and that’s okey.
Since the other options would be shit.
So there is nothing to miss out on…

@creekal it's a shame you don't want to actually engage with a discussion.

That's ironic, I just posted a response but you didn't like it.

No real input but the pork comment made my day 🤣

I disagreed and explained why.

But do you have a definition of porn? Vogue contains nudity, probably more than the old 'Sun p.3'. What about watching a mainstream film with sex in it, maybe an Almadovar film?

Not crazy. Difficult to enforce but not crazy. I know women who have been coerced into sex work for whom this is a deal breaker. It is very sad how mucg this li,mts their dating options and how much other women shrug it off as 'no big deal'.

I laid out a reasoned argument and your response was 'I'm patronised, I don't like it because it's not saying what I want'.

Porn is very common, and can't be prevented if your partner wants to watch it when 'going to the loo'. And guess what? People who know there are sleazy doings still turn a blind eye because they want to orgasm, same as with other parts of life.

Most men watch porn. Even if they say they don't, you won't know if they're telling the truth or not. Everyone masturbates. Would you have an issue if he was looking at pictures of nude women, fantasising or thinking about something other than you?

I think your logic is misplaced here OP. It’s 2022, All men watch porn. Some are openly honest about it, whilst others not so much and they may lead you to believe they don’t. I’d be more concerned about a potential partner who lied about not watching it instead of one who openly admitted it. It doesn’t have to be extreme hardcore horror videos either.

No. I'm not patronised. I pointed out how your response was patronising. You have, twice now, ignored the fact that it's not about controlling or policing or preventing a partner from using porn.

It's about, as others have said, having a boundary and being clear about what will happen if trust and that boundary is broken. Just like other aspects of a relationship.

It's nothing to do with being "sleazy", for me and for the OP it's about the affect on women (both directly and indirectly) and on the ability of men to have healthy and respectful relationships with women as a result.

OP
You mention being childfree
So am I

My experience is that choice and that word has been offensive or caused a weird attitude with some people, including self proclaimed feminists

I'd just see this the same way - ignore it.

But I do genuinely wonder what they know. For instance, I had one friend who had no idea about some of the worst rape cases going on and the whole concept of "we can't consent to this". I imagine she'd say porn is harmless but won't know what's common out there.

Isin’t it kind of sad that this is the only topic where we are aloud to say ”all men”.
Says a lot about them….

Hi @EmmaH2022

My experience is that choice and that word has been offensive or caused a weird attitude with some people, including self proclaimed feminists

Sorry, I’m not sure I understood what you meant by this…
Do you mind explaing?

But I do genuinely wonder what they know. For instance, I had one friend who had no idea about some of the worst rape cases going on and the whole concept of "we can't consent to this". I imagine she'd say porn is harmless but won't know what's common out there.

I think a lot of women just gave up and agreed that this is just how things are.
And I know a lot of people also just gloss things over with ”sex positivity” of all things.
PP said cognitive dissonance and I think there is a lot of truth in that.

OP
I found people had a similar reaction when I said I was childfree. So I guess you didn't get a weird reaction to that.

I’m a woman and I watch porn. I’m very selective, I always pay for it and avoid the sites previously mentioned due to their dodgy reputations. But I know that doesn’t mean it’s completely ethical, and sometimes I have considerable guilt about it. I think the comparison to the food industry/the environment.

I do have a line on paying for sex, and I asked potential dates fairly early on as it is a red line for me. I think it’s ok to have a line.

Again. Good for you, you know your own mind. And I definitely disagree with people saying you're limiting your options. I don't want to marry a serial murderer, some options I'm happy to live without. 😉

Me as well.

@Sonervousimgonnathrowup I think people get angry about it because it frames them as "bad people" in their own heads.

I think it's partly cognitive dissonance to some degree in a lot of people. Either you accept the industry is awful and continue to use porn = bad person or you convince yourself against all evidence to the contrary that it's fine, nothing to see here! The women (and men) on screen are safe, happy, well remunerated and enjoying every minute of their jobs which are the pinnacle of ethical porn = not a bad person how very dare you kink shame me <- P.s for anyone who's still unclear, it's none of those things.

I also think that some men get angry in part because how dare we consider them a wash? We don't get the final say coz we're only bloody wimmen, if anyone is going to reject anyone it'll be them!

I agree it's damaging , I think the problem is that practically all men watch it. Those that say they don't most will be lying. So if you can find someone who doesn't watch porn amazing but it will be like finding a needle in a haystack!

Porn has become really, really horrible, even compared to when I was first online in the late 1990s. It's so violent, hateful, gory, gruesome, and seems to be all described as incest. Wtf

It's just horrible, exploitative,ugly and gross now. I'm not saying it was all lovely back in the day but there was something quite erotic and loving about watching people fuck each other back in the day and seeming to actually quite like it. Even if the actual sex was quite bdsm.

I can't look at it any more. It's just too full of hatred and close ups of damaged body parts and weird screeching that has never been a part of real sex, ever. There is no eroticism at all. It's not hot. It's just abuse, filmed.

Men usually say that ALL men watch it unless they are liars and say they don't.

I find it hard to believe.

Bloodandfire. “and close ups of damaged body parts”

what?!

This, 100%.

I'm with you, although my "red line" is slightly different: I don't date anyone who pays for porn. Or for sex.

In an ideal world, sexual images and erotica and such are absolutely fine. In THIS world, the porn industry and the prostitution/sex trafficking industry are fused through and through with extreme misogyny, and fuelled by it, and treat women as less than human. I don't want to date a misogynist, and so far I've managed to avoid doing so. I really don't care if someone else thinks my standards are unrealistic - if they are dating misogynists because they see no other option, I find their standards fucked up too.

I completely disagree with PPs here that "all men" MUST watch porn and men who say they don't are lying. But I do think it may be a little bit hard for some women to buck lowest-common-denominator standards and hold out for a decent guy. Perhaps your friends have capitulated and accepted virulent misogyny, which gives them a vested interest in shutting up anyone saying that there are other options.