Why do people get angry / seem to take it personally if I say I don’t want to date someone who watches porn?

[Sonervousimgonnathrowup]

Now, I don’t go and keep telling this to people, but sometimes people ask what I look for in a partner/ ideal type etc.
Do I say few things and one of them is that I don’t want to be someone who uses porn.
I think know the industry is abhorrent and so misogynistic and someone who wants to support that is going to have very different values and worldview, so we wouldn’t be compatible.

But people, even women and even crazier some are ”feminists”, laugh and say I’m asking tol much.

Is it really that crazy?

My OH has a high sex drive - we are well matched, he did ask me if I wanted to watch porn, I said no thanks, obviously he does, probably not often these days. He was quite open about it, it doesn’t affect sex he is the most loving partner any woman would want, a variety of positions and occasional oral it’s never boring.
As always set your boundaries if you need to and enjoy sex, so you shouldn’t have a problem, personally I’m much more concerned about paedophiles being a threat to children

I've had three partners in my adult life and none of them watched porn. It's not far fetched or asking too much. These weren't MC men, I like a builder!

People take a lot of things personally because they infer a judgement on themselves - you only have to look at any of the breastfeeding threads to see that. Ignore them.

I think every man alive with internet access watches porn. Some men are open about it and some are embarrassed and secretive.
If a man tells you he doesn’t watch porn, doesn’t like porn etc he’s lying.

This^

I am totally with you OP. I used to have a more relaxed attitude to it all but then the internet arrived and changed the landscape and now I am appalled by the normalisation of sex abuse images/videos.

I really don't care if someone else thinks my standards are unrealistic - if they are dating misogynists because they see no other option, I find their standards fucked up too.

There's a small minority who never watch porn and they do exist. But how do you know your partner is one of them, or do you just stay single (or accept very occasional use)?

I'm curious and not attempting to pick holes. Age is probably a factor, I'm pretty sure near every man my age watches porn, it probably thins out a bit later.

You're certainly no scientist! This idea that 'he's a man ergo he watches pornography' is just a sweeping generalisation.
Many do, clearly, but many don't.

I hate that argument that porn and prostitution are a fact of life. What about the people doing this work? There must be a high percentage who are emotionally and physically damaged or doing it because they have no other option. But they just have to be sacrificed because blokes need to wank???
Frescoes and erotica are completely different, nobody is being hurt.

Agreed. People have a tendency to just say 'porn' when that covers a wide range of things, not just all men looking at niche, violent porn. Again, I'm not a fan, but if things are being misrepresented, people will argue back.

My friends told me I was naive when I casually mentioned my DP doesn't watch porn (within a conversation) because they think all men are sex pest porn watchers I guess, except, I know he doesn't watch porn.. has he ever watched porn in his life? Yes, but does he watch it frequently enough to say he 'watches it', no. (Does that make sense?) anyway, loads of men don't watch it

I find it difficult to believe that this is something that comes up often between you and your friends unless your prompting it by trying to discuss the issues you see with porn with them. You have very strong opinions and people like that can often get onto a pet subject and sermonise about it.

If that’s what’s happening it’s hardly surprising your non anti porn friends feel annoyed by you and think your taking the view that your superior and know better than them - because you are.

If it’s that important maybe only be friends with radical anti porn feminists or something, idk. It’s not something most people will care about or want to hear about and going on about will make them feel judged (cos they are being judged).

I don’t watch, neither does my DH. I wouldn’t want to date anyone who does because I agree that it sets up unrealistic expectations for sex and can be horribly sexist.

I doubt there are many people who have never SEEN it, but I wouldn’t choose a relationship with anyone who actively watches it.

Your friends are being defensive because they / their partner watches it.

And yes, I indeed am looking normal and nice person - that includes not watching porn.

There are plenty of nice, normal people who do watch porn - it’s fine that you don’t want to date them, but not watching porn isn’t what makes them nice and normal.

I imagine it’s your broad brush judgement of anyone who watches any kind of porn which is bringing scorn from your friends. Does that include any kind of sexual activity on screen? So you don’t watch a movie with two people having sex, some of which can be pretty explicit, at what point does cross the line to become porn.

Or do you mean online, hardcore, violent or abusive porn?

It's because there are a lot of people out there who believes that all men, and most women, use porn and they can't understand that actually there are many that don't for various reasons.

Porn is now so normalised in our country that it seems odd to them that people don't use it regularly.

They don't think about the issues that surround the industry either and why that puts people, including some men, off.

Are you seriously suggesting that people are incapable of understanding the difference between what is simulated in movies and TV programmes, and the actual sex that happens in pornography?? Or that they are somehow the same?

@RoseslnTheHospital no, I’m saying that pornography exists on a spectrum even online - while most people think of the very hardcore porn which has become all too common, there’s a range of stuff including user generated porn, ethical porn, porn aimed at a female audience which some people are ok with and may find less problematic. Some folk are ok with pictures but not with video, some folk draw the line at Only Fabs style interactive activities. Saying “no porn” covers a pretty wide range of activity and I’d find some of the stuff in some movies (simulated or not) pretty problematic.

I don’t think it’s helpful to lump everything in together and that’s what I’m guessing the OPs friends may be reacting to.

Exactly this . If mine watches it which I don’t think he does it’s very very occasionally. Do I think he has in the past definitely maybe a fair bit. All men watch porn is nonesense , all men have watched porn at some point is nearer the mark but even then obviously SOME won’t have .

Yes @Connor05 most men have watched porn at some point but not all men watch porn.

Not all porn is the same. Yes there is a lot of violent/fetish/extreme/revenge porn out there which the vast majority of people don't like and quite rightly. But there is also amateur porn, soft porn, homemade porn, porn for women. Not all porn involves women being exploited/forced to do it. Women can enjoy sex and want to film themselves, and other women like watching it too! You seem to have put all porn under the same umbrella when it is a huge industry.

@MoReece25

Exactly, some people can’t accept that there are people who make porn out of their own free choice. Yes they may be “strange” to you but so what? It doesn’t mean they don’t exist.

Its like I wouldn’t want to do porn, but then I wouldn’t want to be a stuntman or acrobat or disarm bombs either - yet obviously some people do. Why is it so hard to accept that’s also the case with porn? Look at all the people who are going to swingers clubs and so forth, it’s in a similar vein. There are people who choose that life willingly.

Who drwas the line and where what is violent or extreme especially these days?

Who can tell, for sure, when the consent is there?

I know there is ”women’s porn” but they are mostly the same.
Just because woman produce or whatever pir, doesn’t mean there is no exploitation or that it doesn’t objectify or dehumanize women.

But anyway, my point really wasn’t to fight about porn, it was more about the people who seem to get upset if somene wants a pornfree partner, who is aware how misogynistic the industry is.

And honestly, many of these comments have only made me more sure how I’d only want to be with an open-minded person.
I can’t imagine having to sit and explain to an adult how and why it’s anti women (when it’s so blatantly obvious).

@Sonervousimgonnathrowup

”I can’t imagine having tot sit and explain to an adult how and why it’s anti-women (when it’s so blatantly obvious)”

Thisnis probably the attitude that your friends pick up on and get pissed off by. There is no way someone with as strong a views and obvious feeling about porn is hiding them in conversation.

Your coming across as thinking you and your opinion and (non existent) relationship is better than your friends opinions and relationships and the reason you come across this way is because it’s true, you do believe your opinion is better than theirs and do look down on people (like them) who aren’t anti porn.

I think you really overestimate how much women care about even “violent or rough” porn. I couldn’t care less, I mean have you read 50 shades of grey? You know that’s about a woman getting off on “violent” sex right? And it was a best seller with women.

Who cares if men have their online equivalent?

And honestly, many of these comments have only made me more sure how I’d only want to be with an open-minded person.

Your definition of “open minded” is very different to mine. Agreeing with you doesn’t make them open minded, it just means they agree with you. Being open minded means being able to see the nuance in a debate and form a balanced view.

I’m not by any means an porn apologist, but I can see there are different degrees and that others can make their own decisions about what they’re ok with. As with any boundary, defining your terms and limits is important. Would him looking at Playboy be a deal breaker for you, for example.

@Tamzina
You are filling in a lot of blanks here.
The ”conversations” have been brief, they ask, I answer. Not much attitude to get.

Someone else brought up violent porn, I asked who draws the line and where, no reason to be so reactive towards me.

I know of 50 shade, no interest watching / reading it, not all women have you know.
So it’s not a good gotcha.
And even then, it would be pretend sex scene, nothing like porn, any porn.

Cherry on top really was you using being single as an insult.
That speaks volumes of you. Not me.