Why do people get angry / seem to take it personally if I say I don’t want to date someone who watches porn?

[Sonervousimgonnathrowup]

Now, I don’t go and keep telling this to people, but sometimes people ask what I look for in a partner/ ideal type etc.
Do I say few things and one of them is that I don’t want to be someone who uses porn.
I think know the industry is abhorrent and so misogynistic and someone who wants to support that is going to have very different values and worldview, so we wouldn’t be compatible.

But people, even women and even crazier some are ”feminists”, laugh and say I’m asking tol much.

Is it really that crazy?

@bellac11

No one NEEDS sex.
And you forgot shelter. An actual need.
And even less porn.
Sexuality and watching porn are different things.

And like I said in the comments, I’m okey being single, if finding non-porn user turns out to be impossible.
So I’m not going to be as you call it ”realistic”.

I just have no interest being with someone who thinks supporting sex industry is okey.

Correct

Seeking food for fuel could just involve eating what we find, eating what we grow. But humans with their capacity for invention and adaption have created all sorts of ways to enjoy food, cooking it differently, creating different places to buy food, read about it, watch it on the telly, restaurants and street food.
I buy into 'food porn' because I love food. Im not into sex porn because Im a bit past it, but the facts are that humans create circumstances whereby they can enjoy the things they like in different ways.

@Georgeskitchen
A lot of women enjoy watching pork

😂😂😂😂 🐷
That's a whole different fetish....or maybe not. 🤔 😁

Thats ok.

You started a thread saying people got angry at you. Yet you seem to be very angry.

You're right people dont need sex in the way they need to be fed but our bodies are designed for it, we wouldnt be here without it, our bodies are designed to want it and the vast majority do and therefore porn comes out of that. Its not rocket science.

I dunno, I think most men would struggle not to be tempted, given their partner would never find out. And porn can encompass lots of things. Even if he doesn't like the fake pornhub homepage style pornstars, he might look at pictures of other women or hentai stuff to get off. Maybe he isn't a regular user, but gives in once in a while.

I don't particularly like porn either, I'm just saying it's impossible to police without being controlling, so you can never be really sure. People you don't expect watch porn too: women, religious people, people who just don't look the type.

It's down to trust but it can't be guaranteed, ever, really.

@PlanetNormal

Yes, I am aware how popular porn is, I’m not denying that at all.

And see, I don’t want to push an issue to the side
and pretend it’s not there.
I know I’m dangerously close to be sanctimonious, but I don’t want to be with someone who is so anti-women.

Not all men watch porn.

But there are plenty of women who will say they do because they have lowered their own standards and are justifying it to themselves.

wow, sounds like you've done some extensive research. How did you get time and resources to interview most men

What a strange response... I said I don't know anyone (friend wise anyway) who doesn't watch porn, and you think this is equivalent to me saying I've interviewed most men. Very odd.

I just have no interest being with someone who thinks supporting sex industry is okey.

Nothing wrong with having a principle and sticking with it. Good for you. 100%. Try and get it right before marriage.

What would happen though, if he lied and said he didn't, but after you'd married, you discovered he had before meeting you (and maybe a bit if crossover).
Would you leave him over the porn, over the lie, excuse the lie because he stopped, forgive him because you love him, something different?
I guess, how much would you sacrifice if you discovered he'd not been honest? Divorce with children?

@bellac11

🤣🤣🤣
How did you get that I’m angry?
And apparently very angry at that!

I completely agree with you and your reasonings for wanting a partner who has the same moral stance on it as you.
Although Its not necessarily in the list of things I’d say when someone asks me my criteria. Tall, dark, handsome, non porn watcher, outdoorsy….

It’s a tricky one bc you come across a bit of a loon by asking about their porn habits before a first date. But I agree you don’t want to waste time with someone who has multiple only fans subscriptions.

lots of people use porn even though they are generally aware of the wider problems and impact it has on women and society. However they don’t want to admit it, ignorance is bliss.
The same way that people know how cruel and meat and dairy industry is but don’t want to face up to it because then they’d not be able to eat their steak in peaceful ignorance.

So they’re probably getting defensive because they know it’s problematic but don’t want to fully face up to it.

Unless the conversation warranted it then I don’t really see the need to point it out - I wouldn’t want to date a porn user either but I’d probably give someone until the first date to suss out if it’s worth digging into the feminist agenda or not

My husband finds the porn industry detestable. Not all men only care about their genitalia OP. You can definitely find one who cares about women as you do. I can't believe the ignorance of fathers of daughters. Keep your standards high.

The same way that people know how cruel and meat and dairy industry is but don’t want to face up to it because then they’d not be able to eat their steak in peaceful ignorance.

That's a good point. We've all seen what happens to battery hens, most of us would avert our eyes at animal being slaughtered, yet we still (most of us) eat meat and animal products. Same with most other mass production industries.

Even for the most principled person, it's hard to maintain that stance when the product is right in front of you, and you can ignore what happens behind the scenes.

@MarshaMelrose
I don’t want marriage and I’m childfree, but if I found out they lied, I’d break-up on the count that they lied and I lost trust.
And it would also be them who broke the relationship, because they lied/ break a boundary…
It would be on them.

I wonder if you're talking to the wrong people OP? This is a value/ethic of yours, others won't share it. I had a list of my most important values/ethics when dating as an adult, as a young woman it was a free for all and i learned from this!

For me my list included someone who didn't drink or smoke, a healthy lifestyle with outside interests (because i need quiet time home alone!), in secure employment they were reasonably happy with, an atheist with similar lefty political views, someone who didn't use anger and arguments to communicate, and someone who hadn't bought sex and didn't use porn. These are all judgements, sure, but they are my values and i don't want to be challenged on them at home. But i never was in the position of having to defend them, so i think maybe if you are then you're telling people who don't need to know?

This in turn makes me wonder if the people laughing at you know how nasty porn is or if they are thinking of a sort of porn from ages ago.

@XSnoe you're right I effed that right up😂I do apologise, I must have read another line of another post and somehow blurred it in with yours or something.
Sorry about that!

It’s so deeply woman-hating. I think less of everyone who mentions that they watch porn.
If the porn-watchers believe so much in consent and free choice, then they shouldn’t have any problem at all with other people saying that they don’t want to watch it, should they?

I am pretty sure that most young men have watched porn, some get obsessed and addicted to it, it’s the abusive porn that does the damage, so you set your boundaries. Men either accept that or they are history, because couples marry much later these days so both are likely to have a lot of experiences, good and bad,
Judge your partner on how he behaves now.

You are perfectly entitled to be as ‘sanctimonious’, as you put it, as you wish. I’m simply suggesting that if you are looking for a man who genuinely doesn’t watch porn, instead of lying about not watching it, then you are unrealistic as well as ‘sanctimonious’, and you are wasting your time stressing about it.

I agree. Unfortunately many of my generation and younger absolutely believe that not being ok with porn or prostitution makes you a prude and a so-called anti-feminist, even. I used to post pictures of my fitness journey on insta—they were regular photos and clips of me lifting weights in gym clothes—and day after day there were comments asking me if I had an only fans account or telling me that I should open one.

Complained in a post and was told that I was supposed to take all these comments as compliments and that it was the internet and it was my fault for posting anything in the first place. Speaks volumes to me about how glorified and normalised the sex industry has become.

Personally, I draw the line at casual porn scrolling. I know too many men who will sit on twitter or reddit casually looking at nudes throughout the day and that to me is far worse than watching the occasional video when they want to get off.

It's true that not all men watch porn, but the majority do. You're limiting your options by taking this stance, but of course there's nothing wrong with that if those are your morals. In the same way a vegetarian might limit their options by choosing to only date vegetarians. Perfectly fine to do that. Some might lie about it when pressed though so be prepared for that.

I think the comparison with food and eating is apt in some ways (albeit that we can go longer without sex than we can without food😁)
Food can be delicious, wholesome, sustainably and kindly produced, or it can be revolting, unhealthy and damage the people/environment/animals involved in its production. Sometimes you want to spend hours on a three course meal, sometimes you are hungry and in a rush and a cheese sandwich will do.
In this analogy OP is saying she has certain values around sex and isn't interested in a relationship with someone who doesn't share her values just as I wouldn't really want to be in a relationship with someone who lived on KFC or beef airfreighted from Argentina.

@creekal as I said, patronising and condescending. Of course "people you don't expect" watch porn, including women, religious people, etc etc. You are being patronising to suggest that people who disagree with porn use don't know that.

It's not about policing or controlling. It's about, as others have said, having a boundary and being clear about what will happen if trust and that boundary is broken. Just like other aspects of a relationship.

Cognitive dissonance. They don't like it but are powerless to control it and don't want to leave their relationship, so convince themselves it's fine because all men do it. In the old days you might find the odd video tape stashed away and the content was so tame in comparison to today's pornography it could almost be family viewing now. But the stuff men watch now that can be found freely and easily is appalling. For example strangulation is seen as quite normal to watch and it has been attempted on me twice recently as if it's the most natural thing in the world. Violence against women is a perfectly acceptable way to get your kicks these days.