Dating Thread 231: Summer Lovin

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
Develop a thick skin.
Do not invest emotionally too soon.
It's all BS until it actually happens.
Trust your gut instinct.
People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
Know your worth.
If it's not fun, stop.
Loo update is mandatory.
No dating the thread.
Treat others as you'd like to be treated
Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

I obsess too, except I obsess over all the reasons the person isn’t right for me and look for flaws and reasons to end it. It can really take over and make me feel crazy. I think I’m a lot more self-aware than I was last time I was dating and I’m finding my reactions to it interesting. I think I must have an avoidant attachment style.

Agree re the drinking. I drink very little these days, and can’t be bothered with someone who goes out getting pissed on a regular basis. It’s so boring. And annoying. I think @ibelieveinmirrorballs said…

Taking alcohol away is a brutal but effective way of forcing you to make peace with who you really are!

is bang on.

Worsy. I had to look up limerence. But it does strike a chord. Looks exactly like the way my MrEx thing developed. I’m also with @ibelieveinmirrorballs in that it makes it easier for me to date without getting intense the fact that MrEx is there somehow and I can decide which interaction we are going to have without consequences. I think we are all in a journey here and this thread is immensely helpful for people like me. Im learning a lot about myself too just by reading you all.Thank you for your generosity and honesty 🥰

Yes to those saying it’s hard when life changes, though I think how little mine has day to day shows I was right to end my last relationship.

thanks for all the advice on here: I’ve thought about it all, and ditched Mr No Strings. Glad I asked on here 😊 Mr Serious stopped messaging, randomly, but I’m relieved about that tbh.

I had a bit of a snog last night with someone I never expected to. It was actually really lovely, a fun evening out. and he was so complimentary that it’s really made me see I need to look for more. He is younger and lives far away, but it was just what the doctor ordered.

Both my DC’s are on the spectrum and I suspect I am too (though ADHD rather than ASD), I have lots of friends but I tend to see them individually, I’m not really into going out and getting pissed, not a fan of big groups of people, I tend to avoid social situations with more than one person.

Mr Peachy sent me a photo of his late breakfast which consisted of alcohol 😬, he is at a festival supposedly working, that wouldn’t usually bother me but it’s a daily thing not just the weekends.

Hopefully I will eventually find someone who doesn’t drink every day and doesn’t spent the weekends pissed up or on drugs.

@Lovemusic33 the thing about that that would annoy me the most is him thinking that a) it’s interesting at all to send someone a photo showing having alcohol for breakfast and b) that person’s inability to “read the room” by now and realise I am not likely to find it funny or impressive. (Having said that I also cannot bear the ‘look at me having alcohol at 6 in the morning at an airport because holidays” check ins on Facebook 😬

Long time lurker here, just reading Mr Unavailable and the Fallback girl - thanks to whoever recommended it.

Only on page 36 but I feel sick tbh - in a relationship of 6 months with someone who is very definitely Mr Unavailable. I've known it for ages but can't seem to call it a day. I'm hoping that reading this will give me the nudge I need.

Admire Thisisworse for finally ditching Balkan and hope I find the same strength because I need to do it.

The part about an unhealthy relationship having a driver and a passenger resonated with me, as does the part about having had a nice time together, he then "acts badly" so I don't get any big ideas. And gauging my relationship on a scale of 1-10 now compared to what I thought it would be - such a wake up call.

So safe to say I've been in tears reading this, but think I needed it.

Daisysunset

its been a brutal time for me (not just because of my MR U , but having a hard time with a Mr U really opens your eyes and makes you realise you need more , or even less )

I totally hear you
that book has really made me question a lot actually
And - I’m still gutted and miss him !

had to re read it twice

what helped me was keeping a diary this year
when you write it down in black and white it really helps

keep talking x
and as painful as it is , it’s good to cry
better out than in

Thisisworse yes, it's made me question myself a lot.

I'm so disappointed in myself - my last three relationships have all been with Mr Unavailables, I just thought it was picking the wrong people but now I see I was the problem for putting up with it.

I can't quite see the thing about my self esteem being low - I've got a good job with a lot of responsibility, I'm financially secure, own house, grown up DDs who are very successful in their own career and live away from home, no baggage as such. So why am I so bad at relationships?

Very superficial relationship with parents, and not many friends but that is through choice - like a lot of you, I'm very much an introvert.

I just don't know why I'm getting this so wrong

Daisysunset
dont be too hard on yourself please

take a pause , from book and turn phone off
and from men

it’s easy to beat yourself up but actually what you need now is some major hard core self love and care

how old are you may I ask ?

I'm 52, and been on and off OLD for the past eight years, but nothing serious really. The longest was 2 years and that didn't really have any emotional intimacy.

Looking back my relationships are getting worse and I'm putting up with less and less. I think part of this is because I find so few men on Tinder etc attractive, so when I do like the look of one I tend to stay because I can't bear looking again.

@Daisysunset Ohh that resonates with me. Almost 52 and been doing OLD for 3 years on /off. To be honest a break is a good thing, as is keeping a diary! Its easy to slip back into it due to boredom, but all too often its a hazardous pastime, as once you get too attached to the emotional unavailable ones, it can cause misery!

My new September resolution is find 3 new hobbies where I might meet new men and ditch OLD for good!

Signoramarella I think you're probably right about needing a break, but I get worried that soon I won't be the catch I was as the dreaded menopause hits me, so I need to find someone sooner rather than later.

And I get lonely. But don't want people around me, if that makes sense. I'd like new hobbies too, but I just don't want to put myself out there. I like being me and my dogs, and would love a nice little relationship to complement that. I'm not talking anything heavy, but nothing casual either. I just want someone on my team really.

Oh @Lovemusic33 that is beyond offputting and so immature! Alchohol for breakfast. Definitely got issues then!
@ibelieveinmirrorballs I feel like it’s ok if people do that when they’re off on holiday at the airport. One off’s or holiday shenanigans are acceptable 😄

I’ve bought the book but can’t bring myself to read it! I think you are doing ok Worsy. Every day will be a bit better and you will see things differently.

@Daisysunset …I think the important thing now is that you know what kind of relationship you want and @Signoramarella is spot on about finding new hobbies or activities to not rely on OLD so much. I’m all for this too

MrO ( the widower) has gone completely quiet and I totally respect it. He may meet me but I doubt it. He’s gone to his cave and I think that’s fine. he’s away with friends in Euro land until early next week
Mr A is as usual non stop chatty and quite keen. He’s waaaaaay too nice but we are meeting Monday evening and I’m looking forward to it. I still can’t see any other iron I’d like to even consider but I will tread slow. I feel he’s almost too good to be true??

Mila14 the book is brutal; a real wake up call and makes you really think about what you're doing, and why.

I think I'd like a chatty one now, so enjoy Mr A. I do like a WhatsApp conversation to keep me interested in the evenings - what do you think makes him "too nice"?

Mila14

I obviously don’t know you ! But from what I read here I think you have good boundaries and a strong bullshit monitor
maybe you don’t need the book ?🙂

I only got it because I felt after 8 months something was off and my head was battered
and this is a pattern for me

Daisysunset
so what’s the score with the guy you are seeing now ?

Signoramarella

THREE ! New hobbies , that’s loads

I’ve been swimming loads and that’s all I’ve managed so far 🙈

I'm still seeing him but, much like you thisisworse, I've been feeling a little battered recently and needed some help to see what was going on in my head.

There's something in the book along the lines of they'll give you some encouragement which will really boost you, then quickly withdraw from you in case you get ideas above your station. This is such a pattern for me. Last Sunday I saw him and he said something sweet and my heart just overflowed; I drove home thinking to myself that I need to sit in all the feelings of unease I keep getting.

Then predictably he messages me with a couple of superficial messages in a 24 hour period and I'm left wondering why he's changed.

So I need to break up, I know I do, but I'm not quite strong enough for that just yet

New Thread Up

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4616002-dating-thread-232-loving-ourselves-first

@Daisysunset it's me that recommends the book to all and sundry on here.
It's such a great book and I'm pleased you've learnt a lot from it.

Why are you not strong enough to end things?
What is your life like outside of this guy?
Do you have a job, friends, hobbies etc?
A man should enhance your life and not be your life - it doesn't sound like he's enhancing your life.
You are worth so much more than this💓

@Daisysunset it's me that recommends the book to all and sundry on here.
It's such a great book and I'm pleased you've learnt a lot from it.

Why are you not strong enough to end things?
What is your life like outside of this guy?
Do you have a job, friends, hobbies etc?
A man should enhance your life and not be your life - it doesn't sound like he's enhancing your life.
You are worth so much more than this💓

*@Daisysunset it would be hypercritical of me to tell you to “ditch him” as I’m in a similar position with Mr Peachy, he’s great at talking the talk too but I know I need to walk away. He’s sent me several drunk messages yesterday which I didn’t reply too, then he realised I wasn’t impressed by his stupid drinking messages so he started asking me how my day was going and saying he wish I could drive down to meet him 😬. I’m going away tomorrow so I think I’m just going to stop messaging him or I might just tell him I’m not impressed by the amount he drinks and I’m calling it a day. When I end it with a guy or they end it with me I try and remind myself how ‘I was perfectly fine before I met them and will be perfectly fine afterwards too’, I don’t need a man in my life, it would be nice but the truth is most men don’t fit into my life and until I find one that does I’m perfectly happy going it alone. Don’t settle for something that isn’t right, life’s to short to put up with someone else’s sh#t.

Guys come over to the new thread