Dating Thread 231: Summer Lovin

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
Develop a thick skin.
Do not invest emotionally too soon.
It's all BS until it actually happens.
Trust your gut instinct.
People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
Know your worth.
If it's not fun, stop.
Loo update is mandatory.
No dating the thread.
Treat others as you'd like to be treated
Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@IodineQueen If you put it on your profile did he ask about it?

I'm an extroverted introvert, I do the extrovert stuff occasionally and love it but then equally I need my own space and time.
I call it 'getting peopled out'...lots of down time works for me.

@SortingItOut no, he didn’t mention it. I think when I speak to him later I’ll just make it clear that I really am very introverted and don’t enjoy these things. I do need to remember that it’s OK to be myself and that I don’t have to please everyone.

@SortingItOut no, he didn’t mention it. I think when I speak to him later I’ll just make it clear that I really am very introverted and don’t enjoy these things. I do need to remember that it’s OK to be myself and that I don’t have to please everyone.

Whoops duplicate post! Oh well, maybe it will stick now I’ve said it twice 🤣

@SortingItOut I'm the same as you and enjoy going out etc but need some quiet me time after and refer to being "peopled out" and it being to "peopley" out sometimes 😄

Worsy ? Is this for real? Final curtain? Have you guys discussed it properly?😳

Mila14

yes darling
final nail in coffin was when he got all vague and maybe about meeting up
the week after my family member died and my birthday ….
not kind enough

he did acknowledge that he can’t give me what I need given his current state

I can’t be with someone who’s so messed up and patently not over his divorce

@Thisisworsethananticpated You are truly amazing, you read that book, took on board what it said and then exerted your boundaries with Balkan.
I'm pleased you have been able to see the situationship with him was unhealthy and didn't meet your needs.

Hello hello, all!

It has been a long time (18 months, perhaps longer??)

Just to recap for those that don't remember or have no idea what I am talking about...I am CheesecakeAddict, left physically and emotionally abusive ExH in 2019. You were there for my divorce in 2021 and I think I left not long after. The iron I was dating remember was really hot on me despite it being a global pandemic, so food deliveries, lots of SD walks, flowers etc and as we went into traffic lights, we did end up in a sexual relationship. Then he suddenly started ghosting me, told me it was MH, having a really nice date, then ignoring me for days. In the end he moved house and I'd just got another job so it ended there. I ended up going to therapy which is why I went quiet.

Anyway, I'm really enjoying the (now not so new) new job and over the past 18 months I have taken a hiatus to learn who I am as a person, I finished my masters with a distinction (boom!), bought a house with my divorce money, hosted my very first Christmas and most importantly, learnt my value as a person is not based on the opinion of others, very important for my dating as I found I moulded myself to the other person.

So now you have my whole history, hopefully I am ringing bells. I'm officially putting myself back on the market with a date with my electrician tomorrow 😅. My first ever non-covid first date.

Sounds pretty full on, when I seing Ms W last year (FWB), it was dinner and a hotel for the night, lovely 😊

@Thisisworsethananticpated how you feeling now lovely?? I dont blame you for getting smashed with work, you needed to. Hope you still feel like you've done the right thing. It’s wasn’t enough for you!

@IodineQueen I so hear you on your posts I feel like you’re writing for me! Happy doing everything on your own and finding group shit stressful! And then feeling like you’re abnormal for being altogether happier on your own 😂😂 i’ve given up giving any shits at all lately though. Off to a National Trust place on my tod tomorrow like the BOF loner that I am 😂😂🤷‍♀️😇

@ButterflyOfShay ahh that makes me feel so much better. I do need to get my ‘doing stuff on my own’ spark back though… since being with my ex I’ve been a lot less motivated to take myself off places and have been a bit lonely. What sort of NT place is it? There’s some lovely NT gardens round here that I haven’t been to for a while, must get myself there.

Feeling a bit fed up and feeling like there’s no one out there for me. I don’t really feel a connection with Mr Peachy although we get on well, as I’m getting to know him it’s becoming more clear that we are very different, I’m not a big drinker, probably have the odd drink once a month but don’t get drunk (I’m almost t total), Mr Peachy seems to drink every day and the drunk texting is just getting annoying, today he was drunk during the day, I think he also takes drugs. He’s very sociable and I’m not 😬. I often have this issue, I feel like I’m a bit of a odd ball as I don’t go out on the piss, I think people see me as boring and unsociable when I’m not at all, I just enjoy other things.

So I need to ditch Mr Peachy and try and find some more irons but when I flick through the apps all the men seem to be holding a pint or dancing at a night club, I can’t find many that are ‘my type’ 😬😬

I think come September I’m going to give up dating and buy a dog.

I’m totally with you on this. I’ve never gone on the piss and can’t stand men who drunk too much. That was main issue to break up with one iron and my Mr Ex. I don’t think people realise they are functioning alcoholics. You can’t change Mr Peachy either. I also pass on any profile with anyone with a pint in hand or having a rowdy celebration with his mates in a pic…

@NervesOfCotton I'm sorry you went though it too 😢 it was my first proper relationship as well. It came totally out of the blue. One minute it was 'I love you gorgeous' then 'I like you as a friend, not a lover.' He then practically demanded that I be his friend, then got all affronted when I wouldn't play ball.

It's knocked my confidence a little, I must admit, even though it was a couple of years ago now.

@Mila14 thank you very much for your message. You're so lovely ❤️ I hope you're right 🙂 🤞🏻

@Thisisworsethananticpated ❤️ xx

@Lovemusic33 Please don't feel like you're an oddball. You are you.
Loads of people don't go out on the piss, I do it twice a year and in between rarely drink.
We are not odd, we just prefer not to drink.

There are people out there like us.
Get rid of Mr Peachy and find someone who doesn't drink as much as him.

I think all the dating photos with drinks in hand 'out with the lads' are because they're the only times men take photos of each other😂

I think all the dating photos with drinks in hand 'out with the lads' are because they're the only times men take photos of each other😂

to be fair this is really common on women’s profile as well, especially the group pictures of drunk women, really common

And skiing as well, for some reason lots of the profiles I looked at has holiday snaps from skiing holidays, so you ended playing guess which one is her. 😂😂

😁

Eewww @Lovemusic33 the drunken texts would put me off too. If it was a one off as he’s not always out getting wasted.. sweet! But regularly, because he’s a wreckhead…. Nooo. Big no from me

It’s hard when you break up with someone and your life changes. I just tend to plan in advance like all week I had in mind I will go to this place today, it’s about 45 mins drive in an area I don’t usually go to… feels nice to just be going somewhere different today. Refreshing for the brain! Hope everyone has a great saturday 💗

@Lovemusic33 it sounds to me as though you need to move on from Mr Peachy. It can feel like most people are obsessed with boozing when looking on apps but I think those photos just help with the filtering - it just means my finger muscles used for swiping left get even more honed 😬 I’m a teetotal ex party girl so still want to have fun adventures - just without alcohol. I make it clear early on that I don’t drink and most of my dates/irons have either not drunk much around me or don’t drink themselves. I don’t mind if people drink in my company but realistically if they’re getting pissed there comes a point (usually when they start retelling the same anecdote for the third time 🤪) when it’s time for me to go.

@Thisisworsethananticpated hope you’re feeling better today - I also think you needed to let off steam after the week you’ve had… agree as you know that I think you’re pretty amazing taking this decisive action with Balkan. I find it almost impossible to do the same.

Interesting chat re extrovert/introvert. I always thought of myself as an extrovert but one of the realisations I had post stopping drinking was that I often used alcohol to bolster my confidence in certain social situations and that actually, underneath the outgoing persona I was actually a sensitive fairly quiet type. Taking alcohol away is a brutal but effective way of forcing you to make peace with who you really are!

Saw Nicey on Weds and he’s coming over again this afternoon and staying till tomorrow. All is going well although I’m definitely noticing how challenging I find some of the emotional intimacy stuff and am glad I’m still seeing my therapist to talk through how it’s making me feel. Also still in touch with MrM and it’s extraordinary to me how cathartic - at the moment - I’m finding this whole “staying friends and occasional FWB” thing in the context of genuinely not feeling attached because I’m dating someone else. I’ve never had this before, ever… I’ve only ever had one intimate partner at a time and struggled not to get overly attached quite quickly.

ibelieveinmirrorballs thank you, your right. He does say that he drinks because he’s sociable and doesn’t like staying home on his own it it is every night “just popping to the pub for a couple pints” or “friends coming over for a few drinks”, whenever he sends me photos he is holding a drink or in the pub. He does tell me the same stories over and over and his memory is terrible. I think I’m just going to slowly disappear😬, I’m away next week so I won’t be texting him much as I will be way too busy.

@Lovemusic33 yes people are very adept at dressing up what is in fact daily drinking with what seems to them like compelling reasons for needing to do so. There’s always a reason to, if that’s what you want to do.. it’s also extremely personal and people can understandably get very defensive if you challenge the world view they’ve constructed around their drinking - so it’s far easier to just know what works for you and what doesn’t, and walk away when it doesn’t.

My previous (brief) iron Ginge drank and took recreational drugs - not particularly with me - but once you hear a couple of anecdotes that involve midweek sessions with people piling back to his place.. I realised it wasn’t for me.

Lovemusic33

i don’t think peachey is the one for you either
sometimes you need a total cleanse

I prefer introverts too and think if and when I brave OLD I’m going to be even clearer on what type I want

once I realised my son was autistic ( totally didn’t believe it but I guess the very accomplished psychiatrist knew her shit !) I’ve started to embrace my many traits

thanks for the kind words on my decisive action
feel really sad still to be honest but it’s less than a week so ….

ive also realised that how obsessive I got was not normal , not healthy

not sure what I do about that
if I didn’t hear from him I decided he was at an orgy with other young hot Balkan chicks

even my friend said I have obsessive limerence tendancies