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Original poster

Dating Thread 231: Summer Lovin

998 replies

Dancerinthemoonlight · 18/07/2022 11:28

The Rules:

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
Develop a thick skin.
Do not invest emotionally too soon.
It's all BS until it actually happens.
Trust your gut instinct.
People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
Know your worth.
If it's not fun, stop.
Loo update is mandatory.
No dating the thread.
Treat others as you'd like to be treated
Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

OP posts:
ibelieveinmirrorballs · 19/08/2022 07:36

GoldenMirror · 18/08/2022 22:33

Well… I’ve spoken to Mr No Strongs on the phone, and a bit of a frisson. He’s very , ahem, open. I’ve set my boundaries as regards smutty messaging etc and he’s respected that. He’s suggested meeting for a coffee, and then his place, all during the day. Is this madness?

Is this madness? I'm all for us all pursuing what we want, but to me that is very full on from the get-go. First of all anyone launching straight into sex talk makes me feel totally unspecial as they clearly would be doing that with anyone and know nothing about me. Secondly I want to meet someone for the first time with no expectation of sex at all - his suggestion for brief coffee and then clearly back to his for a shag suggests someone who's really definitely only looking for that and who by the sounds of it would be doing that with anyone.

We're all different but I know that for me this would make me feel shitty afterwards. I want at the very least good conversation and to be made to feel special and wanted and for it to be an ongoing thing. This sounds like a sex-only hook up.

SortingItOut · 19/08/2022 08:07

@Thisisworsethananticpated I popped to Mr K's house on Saturday to collect a book I lent him a year ago and he mislaid.
Was weird, we were just chatting like we normally would when we got together talking about what we've been up to.
Not sure why he couldn't just drop it off on my doorstep....

SortingItOut · 19/08/2022 08:10

@GoldenMirror Do you know if this person is really single?
Day time sex is fine but smacks of having a wife/partner out at work and sneaking someone in.

Also agree with @ibelieveinmirrorballs that this is sex only so its an FB (fuck buddy) situation and not FWB (friends with benefits).

If you just want sex then go for it but have your wits about you.

GoldenMirror · 19/08/2022 08:28

Oh, there’s no specialness about it! I’m under no illusions there.

Fuckbuddy would be perfect tbh. But the messages are a bit full on. Though I’ve been very clear that I’m not going to engage in sex chat/pics on the phone.

The daytime thing is really my idea; he’s available pretty much any time.

ibelieveinmirrorballs · 19/08/2022 08:45

@GoldenMirror Go for it if it matches what you’re looking for, although I think it’s worth bearing in mind that there are thousands of blokes out there looking for this and so you can choose exactly who to proceed with and not have to compromise at all. He will be delighted to have found someone up for it.

Not sure what app you’re using but Feeld is fantastic for this and you’ll be inundated.

Speaking of which @SortingItOut how are you finding it? I got a message from a friend last night who had just downloaded it and was quite overwhelmed.. although she’s quite new to it all outside of apps like Hinge etc.

GoldenMirror · 19/08/2022 08:49

Oh, thank you @ibelieveinmirrorballs . I’ll take a look. Not sure I’m feeling this one (literally😃)

Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/08/2022 10:15

GoldenMirror

im all for sexual but this one’s very transactional
what if you don’t like him ?
ehatbif you don’t click ?
ehats wrong with a chemistry coffee meet up

sexual can be done with more grace and charm than this imo

IodineQueen · 19/08/2022 10:36

Date with Mr N was nice, I did fancy him but I wasn’t really feeling any sparks as such. At the end of the evening he asked if he could kiss me which took me a bit off guard, so I went with it even though I wasn’t really feeling it. We’re meeting again at the weekend. I was going to suggest a walk somewhere but he’s invited me to a local event that tbh isn’t really my thing but I’ve said OK to as I feel like I should at least try to be open to new things. He then mentioned that maybe we could have dinner afterwards.

I’m panicking slightly as he seems really keen whereas it takes me a good while to feel comfortable with someone. All of my previous LTRs have been with people I’ve met out and about rather than OLD and the attraction has grown over time from an initial friendship.

On the face of it I’m pretty sure there isn’t anything unusual about a kiss at the end of a date and meeting up a few days later to go to an event together and have dinner, but personally I’m finding it a bit much so soon.

I’m wondering if anyone else feels like this when dating and how they handle it? I would like to get to know him more but at a slower pace. Now that we’ve kissed I feel like it’s set a precedent when actually I’m not there yet.

Maybe online dating isn’t for me Confused

IodineQueen · 19/08/2022 10:39

Meant to add that I have a chronic tendency to just go along with things/agree to things I’m not entirely comfortable with for the sake of not creating awkwardness or hurting someone’s feelings. Obviously I really want to avoid ending up in this kind of situation again.

ibelieveinmirrorballs · 19/08/2022 10:54

@IodineQueen hmm it sounds to me like there just isn’t a spark there for you. Did you not enjoy the kiss? I usually will give a kiss a go if I’m not sure but if I don’t enjoy the kiss that’s that for me.

SortingItOut · 19/08/2022 11:02

@IodineQueen I agree it feels too full on, why can't you do the event and do dinner another time otherwise that's a lot of hours together.

Too be fair if you won't like the event why are you going? You said you have a tendency to go along with things....maybe now is the time to state what you want.

If you want to see him again to see about a spark then a walk sounds good.

Think about your own feelings above anyone elses.

IodineQueen · 19/08/2022 11:04

@ibelieveinmirrorballs not really… it was a nice kiss but I wasn’t feeling passion or anything. I did have heartburn though which didn’t help 😳

I remember going out with someone I’d fancied for months and when we started kissing it felt 110% right and was just lovely.

To be honest I can’t imagine ever feeling that enthused about a kiss on a first date with someone I’m meeting for the first time… they’re a stranger! So this is why I’m conflicted I guess. I know it takes time for me to feel properly attracted to someone.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/08/2022 11:12

SortingItOut

did it mess with your head seeing him ?
did you speak of nothing of consequence ?

im pretty clear I need a break from men right now
but you are further down the line than me

IodineQueen · 19/08/2022 11:17

@SortingItOut

Too be fair if you won't like the event why are you going? You said you have a tendency to go along with things....maybe now is the time to state what you want.

I did think quite hard about this last night. I’m very introverted. I spend a lot of time alone and don’t really enjoy organised activities with lots of people. For example… this event he’s invited me to revolves around nature, which I love, but it’s something I like to enjoy on my own terms rather than with lots of random people. Likewise something like visiting exhibitions or museums… love going to see them on my own or with one or two others but don’t want to join a guided tour. Also not keen on cinema or festivals, random gigs etc.

So I guess it’s a bit tricky date-wise as I end up feeling like a misery guts who must seem like they don’t want to do anything. Which is why I ended up saying yes.

SortingItOut · 19/08/2022 11:17

@ibelieveinmirrorballs Feeld is very slow in my area, I think its better in large towns. I've had a social with someone from there but he is now away for work.

Fab is Fab - loads of cock if you want it!!
This time around I'm being sensible and stating boundaries etc. Had some socials....

SortingItOut · 19/08/2022 11:20

@Thisisworsethananticpated It did mess with my head as I was not sure what to expect given he was so keen for us to see each other to hand over the book.
I had a little cry when I drove off.

Nothing of any consequence spoken about, just what we'd been up to, how our families were etc

I'm glad you can see you need a break from men.
I'm in a good place right now, my life is so full on I don't have the time or inclination for a relationship.

SortingItOut · 19/08/2022 11:22

@IodineQueen I understand your reasons but are you not pretending you are something you are not.
Why pretend you like this stuff when you don't, we shouldn't change ourselves just for a man.
If you want to do it that's a different matter.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/08/2022 11:25

SortingItOut

yeah I’m a fan of no contact for that reason

it made you sad and make you cry
screw that

IodineQueen · 19/08/2022 11:25

@SortingItOut

Why pretend you like this stuff when you don't

I think ultimately because I think I must be abnormal to not want to do all these ‘normal’ things and feel like I should at least try to do them.

SortingItOut · 19/08/2022 11:45

@IodineQueen I get that opposites can attract but what if this guy wants an extrovert girlfriend and you're not unless you force yourself.

Be proud of who and what you are and don't care what others think.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/08/2022 11:52

IodineQueen

there is no should or must with dating

part of doing this when older and wiser is we have to assert ourselves and do what works

you can easily say no , ok to see you but can we do X instead
and if he goes off in a huff
we’ll find another introvert ! That you want to kiss

onto the next one

Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/08/2022 11:53

It’s not that old isn’t for you
it’s that maybe he isn’t right for you x

IodineQueen · 19/08/2022 11:57

You’re right, thank you. I did say very clearly in my profile that I’m an introvert but perhaps it needs reiterating. He seems lovely but if he’s looking for a GF to do extroverted things with then we’re just not compatible.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/08/2022 11:58

I think ultimately because I think I must be abnormal to not want to do all these ‘normal’ things and feel like I should at least try to do them

no !!!! I’m the same . I went to a very busy venue this week and was having hot 🥵 flushes and major anxiety

its totally ok to be an introvert

I only date introverts !

IodineQueen · 19/08/2022 12:03

@Thisisworsethananticpated that’s reassuring!

I’m all about exploring, visiting new places, wandering around in nature and being silly, playing board games over a glass of wine etc. My previous partner and I were very compatible on this front so I know it can’t be that unusual. Going to things like gigs and events is really boring to me, also probably not helped by my limited attention span.