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Original poster

Husband lied to me before we got married.

184 replies

Runningmum2022 · 15/07/2022 11:23

Hi, I have never posted on here before but needed some rational female opinions. I have been married to be husband for almost a year and together for three. It came out in an argument that he did actually have sex with a prostitute when he was younger in a different country. I knew that he went to a brotherl with work mates in Germany but he always denied he did anything. I have serious moral issues with this - to the point if I knew this when we were dating I wouldn't have continued the relationship. Our marriage is quite strained at the moment due to his business going under and we are not having sex as he is isolating due to Covid. Am I projecting and making a huge deal about nothing?? Help me out please x thanks

OP posts:
sensinggettingcloser · 15/07/2022 11:29

What's past is past. If he wasn't with you at the time then I would let it go.

girlmom21 · 15/07/2022 11:30

If you're struggling so much after a year of marriage and this is a dealbreaker for you I'd take some time to consider whether you rushed into this.

billy1966 · 15/07/2022 11:35

girlmom21 · 15/07/2022 11:30

If you're struggling so much after a year of marriage and this is a dealbreaker for you I'd take some time to consider whether you rushed into this.

This.

He lied deliberately.
You are right to judge him.

A liar who paid for sex.
Whst a prince.

For goodness sake please don't get pregnant with him.

Ejk1990 · 15/07/2022 11:38

I mean it was before you right?

I don't agree that anyone has to disclose sexual history, even to spouses (aslong as they get tested).

But looks like your looking for reason to end your marriage. You don't need a reason if your not happy.

PragmaticWench · 15/07/2022 11:42

I wouldn't like the lying but equally I'd never tolerate a partner questioning or judging me about my sexual past before we got together.

girlmom21 · 15/07/2022 11:42

Ejk1990 · 15/07/2022 11:38

I mean it was before you right?

I don't agree that anyone has to disclose sexual history, even to spouses (aslong as they get tested).

But looks like your looking for reason to end your marriage. You don't need a reason if your not happy.

I think disclosing whether you've ever paid for sex is very different to disclosing your sexual history.

girlmom21 · 15/07/2022 11:45

And to be fair it's not even the fact that he's done that OP is upset about (although it would've been a dealbreaker). It's the fact he repeatedly lied to her face and said he hadn't.

birdsinthegarden · 15/07/2022 11:46

I think you have every right to be extremely hurt and upset. It's not so much what he did before he was with you, but that he lied about it.

One of my friends went out with a man and one of her dealbreakers was the issue of sex work/prostitution. It came up in conversation one time and he confessed that he'd slept with a sex worker in his past (before they met) but because he wanted a honest relationship with her, he had to tell her. They split up but interestingly, a couple of years later they got back together and are now married.
She was able to reconcile with it because from the very beginning, he'd told her the truth.

GreenManalishi · 15/07/2022 11:47

There's no right or wrong answer. You're not making a massive deal over nothing, if it's not nothing to you. However you probably need to take a step back and weigh up if it's worth maintaining your position over this at the expense of your marriage because, he can't go back in time and a, not f*ck a prostitute, or b, not lie about it. Both have happened. He's got nowhere to go with. All he can do is promise not to do it again. Has he known about your moral issues with this all along?

Gh12345 · 15/07/2022 11:48

Personally I don't think I'd end a relationship because of a one off sex encounter with a sex worker. It was before you. My husband doesn't know everything I did before him.

GreyCarpet · 15/07/2022 11:49

girlmom21 · 15/07/2022 11:42

I think disclosing whether you've ever paid for sex is very different to disclosing your sexual history.

Show quote history

I agree. That's very different.

Mally100 · 15/07/2022 11:49

A big red flag would have been a man going to a brothel. He wasn't going there for a dinner was he ? Not sure why you expected any better.

Gh12345 · 15/07/2022 11:49

Gh12345 · 15/07/2022 11:48

Personally I don't think I'd end a relationship because of a one off sex encounter with a sex worker. It was before you. My husband doesn't know everything I did before him.

Also I definitely see the emotional hurt on your part, just trying to look at the wider picture and maybe what I would do. He might feel quite ashamed for it and that's why he didn't tell you

JustKittenAround · 15/07/2022 12:04

girlmom21 · 15/07/2022 11:42

I think disclosing whether you've ever paid for sex is very different to disclosing your sexual history.

Show quote history

+1 for me

Paying for sex is a dealbreaker for me. I have some standards.

Jellybean23 · 15/07/2022 12:04

What's more important to you? Your future with him or your stance on this issue? He can't change anything now so it's up to you to decide. If you stay with him, tell him so and neither of you bring it up again.

DrMorbius · 15/07/2022 12:39

What's more important to you? Your future with him or your stance on this issue? He can't change anything now so it's up to you to decide. If you stay with him, tell him so and neither of you bring it up again.

Good post by jellybean.

Personally I did stupid things as a young man. There's very little I haven't done (obviously nothing majorly illegal) I left that young man behind decades ago. The only connection are distant memories. Would I want to be judged on the 18-20 year old me? Definitely not. As I said, that person no longer exists. So I shouldn't be measured by it. At the same time if my DW had a past I would not measure her on that.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/07/2022 12:42

This marriage was an unfortunate mistake. I'd be ending it. You're only a year in and it's a disaster.

Sarahthecactus · 15/07/2022 12:47

Who cares he wasn’t with you. So he banged some German hooker across the pond years ago. Big deal.

If this is about some feminist stance the truth is All men have watched porn and a lot of men have either payed for it or at least been to strip clubs. Let it go or go for women.

When you say you want rational female opinions what you really mean is you want women who think like you to tell you whatever you think is right.

Imogensmumma · 15/07/2022 12:51

I think you are focusing on the wrong issue, it sounds like there is bigger issues than past sexual partners.

OperaStation · 15/07/2022 12:52

sensinggettingcloser · 15/07/2022 11:29

What's past is past. If he wasn't with you at the time then I would let it go.

You’ve totally missed the point. OP has a (very understandable) moral objection to paying for sex.

I completely agree with you OP. I would never be able to look at the husband the same way again if it happened to me.

cottagegardenflower · 15/07/2022 12:54

It was before you met him. He was probably ashamed of it so lied. Not a hanging offence, so don't use it as an excuse to divorce. You don't need one other than you are not happy

sensinggettingcloser · 15/07/2022 12:56

Great post by @DrMorbius
I'm certainly not the same person and I've done plenty of dodgy things in my past. That's not who I am now.

OperaStation · 15/07/2022 12:56

Sarahthecactus · 15/07/2022 12:47

Who cares he wasn’t with you. So he banged some German hooker across the pond years ago. Big deal.

If this is about some feminist stance the truth is All men have watched porn and a lot of men have either payed for it or at least been to strip clubs. Let it go or go for women.

When you say you want rational female opinions what you really mean is you want women who think like you to tell you whatever you think is right.

Don’t use “feminist” as an insult. Paying for sex is not the same as watching porn. And there are plenty of people who think porn and strip clubs are also a red line, and that is fine.

worriedatthistime · 15/07/2022 12:58

@JustKittenAround mmm i bet though you would judge a man who left his girlfriend because he found out she had been a sex worker
Not every sex worker is exploited , some do it because they actually want to .

MoltenLasagne · 15/07/2022 12:59

The use of prostitutes would be a massive deal breaker for me. I know enough about brothels in Germany to know they are hell on earth - the women who aren't trafficked are kept in a form of indentured servitude where they have to "service" enough punters a day to cover the costs of their rooms and the brothel owners set the prices low to compete with other brothels and the women (and some men) get no say.

That he lied to you about it shows that he knew it was a deal breaker for you and took away your ability to choose. Clearly consent is not really an issue for him.