Husband lied to me before we got married.

[Runningmum2022]

Hi, I have never posted on here before but needed some rational female opinions. I have been married to be husband for almost a year and together for three. It came out in an argument that he did actually have sex with a prostitute when he was younger in a different country. I knew that he went to a brotherl with work mates in Germany but he always denied he did anything. I have serious moral issues with this - to the point if I knew this when we were dating I wouldn't have continued the relationship. Our marriage is quite strained at the moment due to his business going under and we are not having sex as he is isolating due to Covid. Am I projecting and making a huge deal about nothing?? Help me out please x thanks

Does this apply if he murdered someone then? Or raped someone? Robbed a pensioner? Well she can’t complain she wasn’t in his life then!

it is NOT asking about his previous sexual partners, it is about what sort of man he was, buying sex off someone who likely (90% trafficking rates) wasn’t consenting, in other words he’s a misogynistic rapist!!!

Anyone who thinks buying sex is fine because some women choose it and enjoy it, should read the 'reviews' on punternet. I thought I was ok with sex work as long as it was the woman's choice, before I read that website. Now I realise that it is not so simple. Have read yourself and see how it makes you feel.

OP, only you can decide if this is a dealbreaker for you. Give yourself some time to process it, you don't have to decide immediately.

It is sad but you had the choice.

Most women don’t. They have pimps and expectations for what their bodies bring in. They have to go through so m any men it actually damages their bodies. No hope of that nice emotional relationship and so many men each and every day. Many are left being unable to pee properly. The whole deal.

not you I know. You could have asked for food. You chose not to.

you can report on those who find it all very sad and sick. Like me. But if you’re OK with it you wouldn’t be so sensitive to those who are wanting to stop the trading of women’s bodies for their survival.

not everyone is as lucky as you were. I hope you understand that. Even though you have been very unlucky. You are still so lucky compared to the women who actually do this type of trade. The ones who start when children. The ones who can’t move like they did even young due to the damage.

nobody talk about them.

glad you got what you needed. Too bad for the rest though.

report away if it makes it better.

OP said this was a dealbreaker. It’s wrong to lie about it. Her reasons are her own. But it was her dealbreaker. Try having sympathy for that.

His business is going under. He has Covid. You're not having sex. And he disclosed this in the middle of an argument. There's a lot going on. Tbh I'd wonder whether he was lying now to hurt you or lying then to keep you.

I don't know what I'd do in your position. On the one hand, I think we should all have space to redeem ourselves. But he has made three massive mistakes here imo. He's had sex in a brothel. He lied about it to keep the relationship. And now he's disclosed it to hurt you. I wouldn't make any hasty decisions atm. There is too much going on in your lives and relationship with the business, Covid, etc. You need to decide if it's a deal breaker for you. It might be tempting to have emotional discussions about it. But he can't decide if this crosses a line for you. Only you can decide that.

@BanditoShipman

You've just literally said 'in other words he's a misogynistic rapist.'

You've accused the OPs partner of being a rapist.

Do you normally throw such disgusting accusations around to people in real life? With not a lot to base the accusations on?

I wouldn't be so quick to throw the word rape around when you have absolutely no evidence of him being a rapist.

@BanditoShipman how have you come to the conclusion that the man is a rapist?!

Nobody said he IS. But there is a chance he is. Not a small chance either.

German brothels are full of trafficked women. Having sex with one is rape.

They said it as a would it be ok if…..? They did not directly call the, a rapist.

Still, even if someone collects a fee (often a pimp) and the sex is given so so,wine can get food and to live …. What do you call that?

would you be happy if your daughter became such a worker? Pleased?

*so they can get food to live

'He's a misogynistic rapist'

Yes she did.

You’re clearly a bit hard of thinking.

I’ll try again, 90% are trafficked women in Germany, therefore he has a 90% chance of being a rapist. Unless you think having sex with a trafficked woman is ok??

You conveniently left out the full quote which states re the 90%

I think this has descended to a tug-o-war which is interesting but irrelevant. The central question is that you do not need a reason to divorce someone, delving into their distant past to see if you can find some red line. You obviously don´t love him anymore, contact a lawyer and file for divorce. The rest is just noise.

I understand that 'I slept with a prostitute' is not exactly the kind of information you'd willingly volunteer in a relationship. Sadly I think some guys who'd never habitually sleep with a sex worker get pulled into at as 'Hey I'm so wild and crazy' bucket list thing to do, without thinking about the other human being involved.

But it sounds like there are issues beyond this going on anyway and you are early enough on to cut your losses if this is a deal breaker for you.

@JustKittenAround

At what point have I given off any impression that I would be 'pleased' of my daughter was in that position?

The assumptions on here are incredible. So warped from real life.

For the record, no, I don't agree with sex work, I don't agree with prostitution and I absolutely would not be fucking 'pleased' as you so nicely put it if my daughter was in that vulnerable position where she had to sell herself to live. And I work damn hard to provide for her for as long as I live so she would never have to be in that position. But I'm aware not everybody can do that.

My point is, the guy went to a brothel years ago. Yes a very VERY stupid thing to do. You can learn and change and realise how exploited women are in these situations and vow to never do it again. (And no that doesn't count if you've killed someone or mugged an old lady or whatever other ludicrous things have been said.)

You have only been married a year - you in theory are in the bliss stage! If it’s that hard going I would question whether this is the right relationship for you.

Oh come off it @Ejk1990
That's like saying "no one has to disclose shopping history" & then discoveriong that someone has been lying about buying elephant tusks.

It's not about sexual history.
It's about paying to hire a quite possibly coerced woman's body, misogyny, entitlement, & propping up the very prevalent trafficking & coercion that is rampant in the sex industry.

OP isn't "looking for a reason". She's rightly revolted.

'I have serious moral issues with this - to the point if I knew this when we were dating I wouldn't have continued the relationship.'

This is what's important in this thread. Not what everyone else thinks of sex work, or men who pay for sex. Op didn't want to marry someone who paid for sex in brothel. The discussion came up in her relationship. Her husband lied to her, to marry her under false pretences.

Sounds like a lot of stress in the start of a marriage op. Is it worth it? I don't think you're overreacting at all. For me, a relationship is nothing without trust.

Agree.
But if current him still sees no issue with using prostitutes in principal I would personally have a problem with that as the women doing that work who are not being exploited are in the minority and that's a show stopper for me.
So the act might be in the past but is the attitude/outlook?
Then there is the issue of the lying, meaning you are currently in a marriage you (likely) would not have entered if you'd been in possession of the truth. So you are now in the position of retrospectively trying to decide whether this marriage would have gone ahead or not (see above) and if you think you would have stayed with him, and the prostitute issue can be overcome... It's the fact that he chose to lie about a fundamental thing he knew mattered to you and what that tells you about his character and who you are married to and how he respects your values.
At best he lied out of fear of losing you but choosing that over coming clean and discussing things properly to allow you to make that choice for yourself isn't great. His moral compass allows truth to be optional in some circumstances.

I wouldn’t date a man who paid a woman let him access her body. That’s a man who is prepared to sexually use the body of a woman he knows does not really want to have sex with him. ( If she wanted to have sex with him, there would not be a fee).
i wouldn’t date a man who could view and use women like that.
i wouldn’t date a man who lied to me.

Its perfectly reasonable for this to be your line in the sand.

@AHamSandwich

All men (at least those young enough to understand the internet and for it to be part of their everyday life) watch porn, unless some medical condition is ongoing which has made their sex drive go.

That’s reality. Stats confirm it. Those who say they never do are lying, probably because they want to keep the women they’re with happy because they can’t get another, so they will either agree with whatever she thinks - “no honey I never watch porn, I deleted my history to free up space” or else because they want to come on all righteous and feminist because it’s the only way they have to get women - so they have to go for a niche group of women in a particular way - “oh I’m so anti porn and pro woman, look at me, look at all I don’t do, won’t somebody give this good boy sex”.

The Op's DH probably told racist, misogynist and homophobic jokes back in the day. That's what people did then, there were television programmes full of it. Times change, people change, now we realise a lot things that were "normalised" in the past are abhorent now ( and rightly so). Prostitution being one of these. Now we realise it is mostly based on abuse.
I would also say as one who has worked around the globe, that there are different attitudes to sex work in different countries.

Frankly the Op's DH is a idiot for ever mentioning his past exploites. Some things you should take to the grave.

You need to put this behind you asap as there is already enough strain on your relationship.

If it were me, I'd take a chance and offer to forgive anything he's done up to that point as long as he admits to it there and then, secretly I'd be hoping that no more major revelations crawl out of the woodwork. When he's finished, I'd then suggest you immediately take care of his (and your own) sexual needs, then focus on the other problems and reassure him that you are there for him no matter what. If his business is going under then he'll need a good confidence boost and these actions would do it. Just remember you married for the good times and bad times.

This will draw in a line in the sand, so that you can start afresh and then if any further issues arise you'll know he's a bag egg. Hopefully, he's moved on.

touch grass, kick rocks

Also it would for me depend on some of the circumstances and variables...
ie whether we are talking about him being 17 on a lads holiday and being a total idiot, and now deeply regretting his choices, or if by "he was younger" you mean it was only a couple of years before you met. Also, is he deeply sorry or only apologising because you found out?