Husband lied to me before we got married.

[Runningmum2022]

Hi, I have never posted on here before but needed some rational female opinions. I have been married to be husband for almost a year and together for three. It came out in an argument that he did actually have sex with a prostitute when he was younger in a different country. I knew that he went to a brotherl with work mates in Germany but he always denied he did anything. I have serious moral issues with this - to the point if I knew this when we were dating I wouldn't have continued the relationship. Our marriage is quite strained at the moment due to his business going under and we are not having sex as he is isolating due to Covid. Am I projecting and making a huge deal about nothing?? Help me out please x thanks

@Sarahthecactus sure - whenever I have an "unmet need" I just whip out my wallet & pay for somebody who is 90% likely to have been coerced to meet that need for me.

So what if they are a modern slave, an abused zero-hours contractor, or a coerced sex worker? I HAVE NEEDS & the fact that I have money, & the freedom to purchase other people's misery means that I am more important than them.

It's hard to believe that, with so much information about prostitution available to you, that you have such a ridiculous & damaging notion that it's "uptight" to disapprove of prostitution.
Why is that - because you know it will never happen to you, so fuck (pun intended) everybody else?

"I can point at one woman who chooses prostitution. Therefore I can ignore the fact that 90% of prostitutes in Germany are coerced. Bully for me! I am a cool girl & need never challenge a man on this topic. Hurrah! I'd much rather keep quiet about other women being trafficked & abused than be unpopular with men."

You are being deliberately obtuse @Hatsoff5
Can you explain what is unreasonable about objecting to the mass exploitation & abuse of 90% of prostitutes?

Of course she'd be less bothered about one night stands - they are assumed to be consensual!

If he'd been robbing banks or mugging old ladies, would THAT past also be "none of her business"?
Or is it just participation in an abusive sex industry that you are defending here@saleorbouy?

I don't know if you are married, but you say something like the following words when you are married "to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until parted by death"

My vows are the most important words I've ever spoken, the OP's marriage is clearly in a bad way for a couple of reasons so if it were me, I'd be all in trying to save the marriage as that's what the vows mean. The OP is free to choose her path however my advice is what to do to save the marriage. Carrying baggage in a marriage is never a good thing hence why it needs to be put behind them so they can move on. Dwelling on it is only going to cause more misery.

The key thing to take out of any marital problem, is that you have each other, I'm not naive I understand that in some circumstances, the marriage must end however I think this is a marriage worth saving.

As for intimacy, the OP clearly thinks it is a problem, so initiating sex is the best way of fixing that.

It's literally in the title that they are married, as well as in ,multiple posts. And btw, those vows are invalidated by lies prior to marriage.

I don't know if you are married, but you say something like the following words when you are married "to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until parted by death"

If I married someone I wouldn't have married if I knew something about them from before, I would feel no shame in ending the marriage if that thing was a dealbreaker for me.

I would never date or marry a man I knew had paid for sex as it's a moral dealbreaker for me.

I would never date or marry a man I knew had facilitated human trafficking as it's a moral dealbreaker for me.

I would never date or marry a man who had been an abuser in a relationship as it's a moral dealbreaker for me.

If I found out any of those things, after marrying someone, they wouldn't be any less of a dealbreaker just because the marriage had already taken place.

Because I effectively wouldn't have had informed consent.

As for intimacy, the OP clearly thinks it is a problem, so initiating sex is the best way of fixing that.

Thinking that OP initiating sex is the best way of fixing a relationship that has been rocked by OP finding out her husband previously paid for sex makes no sense to me.

You cannot fully separate the two issues (lack of intimacy now and him paying for sex before) as now, OP's feelings about her husband in a sexual sense / her feelings about how he views and experiences sex, are likely to be very different and something she needs to carefully and gently think through and navigate herself before deciding whether to continue the relationship.

She can't shag away the memory that he was previously comfortable with running the risk he paid for sex with a woman who was coerced, abused, trafficked etc. There's no way any punter can know if a woman is truly selling sex freely and happily. He was willing to run the risk.

That being a dealbreaker for people doesn't change just because they got married unaware their partner had previously done it.

If you found out your partner had previously physically or sexually abused a woman, attacked an elderly person, stolen money from someone vulnerable etc your focus would be on saving the marriage rather than seeing that he wasn't the man you thought and therefore you didn't even ever marry the man you thought he was?

The key thing to take out of any marital problem, is that you have each other, I'm not naive I understand that in some circumstances, the marriage must end however I think this is a marriage worth saving.

Who are you to decide OP's "marriage is worth saving"?! 😂

however I think this is a marriage worth saving.

This is such a weird thing to say about a literal strangers marriage, especially when the only information you have is that he has always said he didn't do anything at this brothel but now admits he paid to have sex with a woman and that their "marriage is quite strained at the moment due to his business going under and we are not having sex as he is isolating due to Covid."

What on earth about that made you decide as a stranger that this is a marriage worth saving?

well that proves my point. It’s the lie that despite men’s ability, moral philosophy and self control in every other area of their lives, men are unable to control themselves in this one area (sex). So they can’t really be help themselves sleeping with prostitutes, or be expected to consider if they are sexually assaulting a trafficked woman, or stop themselves having affairs. Despite their accomplishments in other areas, they simply can’t help themselves or be expected to.
This is all utter man-serving misogynistic bollocks.