Husband lied to me before we got married.

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Hi, I have never posted on here before but needed some rational female opinions. I have been married to be husband for almost a year and together for three. It came out in an argument that he did actually have sex with a prostitute when he was younger in a different country. I knew that he went to a brotherl with work mates in Germany but he always denied he did anything. I have serious moral issues with this - to the point if I knew this when we were dating I wouldn't have continued the relationship. Our marriage is quite strained at the moment due to his business going under and we are not having sex as he is isolating due to Covid. Am I projecting and making a huge deal about nothing?? Help me out please x thanks

I don't think it would cause me to end an otherwise happy marriage.
Firstly I don't think someone's sexual past is anything to do with the current partner.
I do think the prostitute situation would put me off but I also think people change. I was a very different person to how I was when I was much younger. I did things I now would not dream of. So I would have a discussion as to how he now feels about sex work from a moral perspective and whether he regrets it.
His lie is probably what's getting to you the most. I suppose the fact he has told the truth is showing his moral compass may have improved.

That totally depends on whether you accept those decisions were wrong. If you would do it all again then you can’t totally disassociate with your past self.

Also, where do you draw the line with that rationale? Would you marry someone who once committed rape or murder because it was in the past and they’re “no longer that person”? Mumsnet is full of posts from people who still harbour resentment towards their school bullies which suggests that we’re not all that willing to let the past go.

I don’t know that I could get past that. There was a point where I was naive and would have viewed it as just another sexual experience, but now that I know the realities of the industry, it’s not possible to not view all consumers in a particular way.

If you have children, I would recommend personal counseling and then marriage counseling. If you have kids you can’t truly remove him from your life and they will be influenced by him so working on the situation may be worth the effort.

If you don’t have children, I would probably get out now. Life is too short to live with a liar who takes advantage of a vulnerable woman.

It is actually a way of life for some women. They're not all trafficked.

There's a woman who is a regular gym-goer - it's her life. She's in such great shape she can command hefty fees. It wouldn't do for me, but to her, well she's found a way to finance the lifestyle she wants. It's her business.

It's not an otherwise happy marriage.

It came out in an argument. That doesn't suggest his moral compass has improved. It suggests he wanted to hurt her. If he didn't, he'd have kept up with his lie.

Most do it for survival. The overwhelming majority.

Dealbreaker for me.

But again, I have standards.

You can try to shame me into lowering my standards or even get me to question them. My high standards are not here to shame anyone. They work for me and the lifestyle I have. I needn’t suffer men in my bed who exploit women. Hard pass for me.

Others might have lower standards and that’s OK. I don’t need to lower mine to make anyone else feel better though.

He lied to you at the time as he obviously didn't want to hurt you. Now you know, and it's in the past, and if you want to carry on with the relationship then you need to forget it and move on, unless there's something else bothering you about him at this present time...

@JustKittenAround surely it would be more accurate to say 'different' standards rather than 'lower' standards? There are people in the world for whom sex work is not a deal-breaker. They don't have 'lower' standards than you.

This would be a deal breaker for me. It says a lot about his views on women, consent, honesty etc

Anyway, you haven't been together all that long, you don't have children together and the marriage is already unhappy. Several reasons to consider if he's really the man for you

You can see what I think about lying from my name, however:

He probably lied - because he is ashamed (and he is right to be so) -and because he cares what you think about him.

Those aren't such bad things.

Most of us have done things we are deeply ashamed of at some time in the past. We grow up - we don't keep making the same bad judgements. If we are lucky - we are forgiven.

Do you think he would do the same thing again or are your feelings all about the past?

I have absolutely no idea how many women my DH slept with before me, nor if he ever paid a prostitute as it’s none of my business, just like it’s none of his who I slept with. I couldn’t even tell you the name of the woman he lost it too, though I’m fairly certain we did exchange those stories at one point. We both lived and met in a country where prostitution is legal so maybe I’m not as uptight about it as others, I’ve never seen any difference in paying for sex to buying dinners and gifts to get sex.

I absolutely hate lying in relationships but I’m not sure I could hold it against him if he said he’d never paid for sex if you asked him, as you should not have asked him in the first place as it’s none of your business.

The only questions I asked was around safety and safety checkups because that’s the only thing that I had a right to know about.

Oh yes, the happy hooker narrative. What steps do you think punters take to ensure that the women they’re fucking aren’t trafficked? Given that a large number are? The Spanish government, for example, estimates that 90% of women “working” as prostitutes were trafficked or are under the control of pimps. How many men do we imagine ensure that they are purchasing their fuck ethically?

I don't like that he lied, but I'm a firm believer that partners have no right to know their souses past.

It's the past.. as long as he's been tested and he hasn't cheated in your relationship let the past be the past.

I never understood why people want to unpick the past of their other halves. I personally don't want to hear it and don't care for it!

And plus what did you expect to happen in a brothel? Yes grim.. and his lies are unacceptable.

But things that he hasn't been truthful about are part of his past, which I don't think you have the right to know. Because you weren't in each other's lives then.

@GCAcademic Who knows? My point was that not all are trafficked. I think any sensible man would find it relatively easy to differentiate between the woman I have described and a woman who is under the control of a pimp.

The things is, he repeatedly lied knowing that this was a big deal for the op.

whether anyone else thinks that using a prostuture is ok or not is irrelevant. To an extent the fact he did is actually irrelevant the issue is he lied about it and effectively tricked the op into marrying him withholding information which he knew might change her decision.

now he’s thrown it out in a fight to cause emotional upset because he thinks she’s hooked.

And THAT would be enough for me. It’s blatant manipulation for his own benefit all the way and I’d never trust him not to be doing it again (manipulative lying not hookers).

@JustKittenAround but you don't have higher standards yours are just different and you never answered my question if it was the other way
Personally to me you see very judgemental which isn't a good trait either and seem to think you can judge your standards to be higher than others
So to you all sex workers have mow standards and you look down on them ?

@sensinggettingcloser yes its is but in here they won't see that and there is an argument that if legalised it could be made safer etc but also arguments again
People may pay for it for many reasons or use escorts , also women also pay for it , not in the same quantity but a male is never referred to as a hooker / prostitute in that sense ??

I say lower standards because the majority of the population aren’t enthusiastic about sex work AND the fact that this guy lied is telling.

yes

LOWER standards

It was something against her own stated standards.

yes

LOWER standards

dude lied for a reason, if you can’t see it then not much more I can say to you. You don’t see the whole thing for what it is.

Standards are higher. Sorry. Touch grass.

You can go buy sex and be with men who buy sex. I’m not stopping you.

Wouldn’t be me though

I think there are things that a person is entitled to know about before they get married - just because it happened in the past doesn't mean it has no relevance or potential to impact the current relationship.
For example you wouldn't hide from a spouse that you'd been married before, or criminal convictions etc.

The husband knew that this was a big deal to her before they got married, he lied because he decided that what he wanted was more important than allowing her to freely make her choice, in full possession of all the facts. That's disrespectful. A marriage has to be built on respect. He has denied her autonomy and that's a big deal.

In a relationship, there is room to say that you don't want to go into all the details of previous relationships and a new partner can decide to accept you or not on that basis - but it's very different to outright lie repeatedly.

What is his attitude towards prostitution now? Has he changed now that he is older? Because these things may make a difference to how you proceed. I think you need some counselling to help you decide whether you want to carry on. Do you still love him?

@JustKittenAround get over yourself
I don't do any not that i have to justify but I don't look down on everyone else and you still never answered the question did you ??

Again to very be clear

EVERYONE here is welcome to buy sex and those who do in their bed.

I just won’t. I have my reasons and I have standards that won’t allow for it. If that upsets you either change your viewpoint or kick rocks. I’m not going to manage down my standards, especially to include the exploitation of women. Nope. Not me.

Yes, they do. Women who don't care if their partners have rented womens bodies for sex do have lower standards.

Nobody's asking you to change your opinion @JustKittenAround but I think you're being unfair in thinking that you have higher standards than other people who might have a more liberal approach. You're implying that you're better than those people because you see your standards as higher. They're not higher; just different.