Husband lied to me before we got married.

[Runningmum2022]

Hi, I have never posted on here before but needed some rational female opinions. I have been married to be husband for almost a year and together for three. It came out in an argument that he did actually have sex with a prostitute when he was younger in a different country. I knew that he went to a brotherl with work mates in Germany but he always denied he did anything. I have serious moral issues with this - to the point if I knew this when we were dating I wouldn't have continued the relationship. Our marriage is quite strained at the moment due to his business going under and we are not having sex as he is isolating due to Covid. Am I projecting and making a huge deal about nothing?? Help me out please x thanks

No one who is anti-prostitution for feminist reasons looks down on those sell sex.

although, I think many of us look down on the men who use them, and the absolute mugs who defend men’s right to rape women for money (you)

does that answer your question?

@SliceOfCakeCupOfTea don't worry about it clearly just proved they have no standards.
When actually all I was asking is how they feel about women who do this work , do they judge them so harshly as well

That's a good point. If he's done it in a "haha tricked you" kind of way to hurt her, it's extra shit.

@csection12 except you don't know my thoughts do you and the person i directed that at was implying both , hence why I asked
Also personal attacks are not allowed on here , you know that right

It's not to do with a partner's seual history- it is to do with core values.

I wouldn't want to be with a man who thinks it is OK to pay for consent.

@CupidStunt22

I'm lying or have low standards?...

Well, no, it's just none of my business.

If you actually put 2 + 2 together you'd realise I'm on about SEXUAL history. Not if my partner has killed someone. 😂😂😂

I have absolute no right or interest to know about my husbands sexual history.

But to answer your accusation of me lying, or having low standards, no I wouldn't be with my husband if he had killed someone in the past. Or mugged old ladies for that.

You're strange.

It would be a deal breaker for me, but only you can decide if you want to carry on the relationship. It doesn't sound great that things are already rocky after a year and he's lied about things that he knows would have changed your opinion about having a relationship with him.

So do men have higher standards if they judge /dont accept woman who choose to rent out their bodies ?? and thus view those women lower?

I've done some awful things in my past including swapping sex for food when I had nothing else. It wasn't a simple exchange, I built up a relationship with someone I had no feelings for so they would buy me food. Otherwise I wouldn't be able to eat. This was while I was working 30 hours while attending uni.

I would hate to be judged for that. I'm not proud at all of what I did, but I did what I had to at the time. It felt like my only option.

I've never told DH. It's not that I don't want him to know, if he asked me outright I would tell the truth, but we both think that whatever happened before we got together shouldn't impact who we are now.

The main point here is that he barefaced lied to you. That is something I would struggle to get past.

@GonnaGetGoingReturns its provably very common and people will not always know who has done what , not everyone will disclose everything
In the OP case she knew about the brothel so had asked him direct so he totally lied to her and subsequent times and also knew she would find it a dealbreaker
If someone asks direct you should either answer or say you don't wish too , then they can make a choice straightaway
But who goes to a brothel with a friend ?

Actually you didn't at all say sexual history, you repeatedly said "their past" with no qualifiers at all. But never mind. Sexual history in this case includes buying sex from women who may not have given consent and may have been trafficked.

So would you want to know if your husband had raped someone, or would you not care because it's in the past?

It was such a disrespectful and unnecessarily nasty post. I don't know how someone can claim to have 'standards' and chat that amount of shit.

@Littleraindrop15 thats what I asked but was called all sorts since
Judging people without a whole story is just not realistic in real life and then when you add feelings etc it becomes very different
Its easy to say I would do this and that until your in a situation

At the end of the day, OP, as others have pointed out - it's much more common than most women realise. I remember an ex boyfriend telling me decades ago about one of our married friends having paid for sex on a trip to Amsterdam. If it was common then, it must be even more common now as it's so much easier now it's online.
The fact that it's common among men doesn't make it right, but it might help you come to the right decision. There's no guarantee that any man any of us dates hasn't ever had sex with a sex worker. We would simply never know.

You've done nothing to be judged for, the person fucking you in exchange for food did. An actual friend would give you the food to help you out. Not exploit and take advantage of your situation to have sex with you.

You don't need anymore story to judge. "he slept with a prostitute in a german brothel" is the story. And yes, we can (and should) judge.

If someone lies about something because they know it would affect your decision about being in a relationship with you, it's invariably a problem.
In this sense, I don't think lying about paying for sex is any different about lying about numbers of sexual partners.
If it's a problem for you, it's a problem.

@SliceOfCakeCupOfTea mumsnet is full if very judgemental people who see very black and white I have come to learn
And yes that poster showed their true colours
I try to judge a person on their whole self and not maybe one incidence or a part if their life, maybe who they are now or if they learnt from something etc
If I was OP i think I would be upset because the had asked him direct as knew about the brotheL and he should if told her the truth , they could of then discussed it and OP could of made an informed choice
Many people on here saying things will not know every partners full history even if they think they do

In their defence, they never knew! From their POV we were seeing each other. They would pay whenever we went out because I said I was skint, but never let on how skint I actually was.

I deceived him rather than him taking advantage of me.

@CupidStunt22 you don't need to tell me what I can judge thanks
Maybe he was 17 and very stupid , unaware of things and how it worked , so yes I do consider a whole story important
People can change and turn their lifes around
In this instance he lied despite being asked and knew it could have an impact on the future , he should of been honest when asked

Paying a prostitute for sex is beyond vile and if it had happened recently I’d end the relationship the same day and never look back.

However as it happened in the past it wouldn’t be an issue. And I think you have bigger problems in your relationship to deal with than this one thing.

FWIW a guy told me he paid for oral sex.
I think it’s a bit of a fantasy that many men (and women) have, having sex or sexual contact with a stranger.

He said he had done the one night stand thing but the females would always keep contacting him afterwards, even though they said they only wanted a ONS and he didn’t want to have to deal with the emotional side of it.
However he said it was one of the worst things he’s ever done and didn’t like it at all. He said the fantasy of it is completely different to the reality.

If this was genuinely a one off then I’d expect it was a similar scenario.

They are hardly harassing you when you're both engaging in a conversation.

@SliceOfCakeCupOfTea but you still did what you needed to do to get by and people that judge without a whole story are not worth bothering with , nothing is usually black and white

"Always denied he did anything" sounds as if you have had several conversations about it and he's lied more than once. No-one has to expose their past but if someone asks outright about something because it's part of them deciding whether to be committed to you, then you owe it to them to either tell the truth or to say "I don't want to tell you what happened, it's in the past and not your business, you commit to me as I am now or you don't".

First lying and then having it come out during an argument means that instead of being honest when he was happy with you and wanted you to commit to him, and instead of confessing later because he loves you and doesn't want to lie to you, he saved it up to hurt you with when he was angry and wanted to attack you.

I wouldn't easily forgive that.