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Original poster

Husband lied to me before we got married.

184 replies

Runningmum2022 · 15/07/2022 11:23

Hi, I have never posted on here before but needed some rational female opinions. I have been married to be husband for almost a year and together for three. It came out in an argument that he did actually have sex with a prostitute when he was younger in a different country. I knew that he went to a brotherl with work mates in Germany but he always denied he did anything. I have serious moral issues with this - to the point if I knew this when we were dating I wouldn't have continued the relationship. Our marriage is quite strained at the moment due to his business going under and we are not having sex as he is isolating due to Covid. Am I projecting and making a huge deal about nothing?? Help me out please x thanks

OP posts:
FullHousehere · 15/07/2022 15:40

MaryChild · 15/07/2022 15:14

You need to put this behind you asap as there is already enough strain on your relationship.

If it were me, I'd take a chance and offer to forgive anything he's done up to that point as long as he admits to it there and then, secretly I'd be hoping that no more major revelations crawl out of the woodwork. When he's finished, I'd then suggest you immediately take care of his (and your own) sexual needs, then focus on the other problems and reassure him that you are there for him no matter what. If his business is going under then he'll need a good confidence boost and these actions would do it. Just remember you married for the good times and bad times.

This will draw in a line in the sand, so that you can start afresh and then if any further issues arise you'll know he's a bag egg. Hopefully, he's moved on.

Is this real? Is this a man talking?? "Take care if his sexual needs..." WTAF??

Hatsoff5 · 15/07/2022 15:44

I think it's border line abusive when current partners demand or want to drag up your past.

You can't go digging then moan when you find out things you don't like. I think your wrong OP it's non of your business.

Sarahthecactus · 15/07/2022 15:44

@FullHousehere

She has a point. Someone this uptight about this may well have other issues surrounding sex and he may well not have his needs met at all, which could be contributing or causing the problems. Everyone has needs whether emotional or physical and unless their are medical or age related reasons you can’t expect to neglect a man forever then have him be happy.
Perhaps that is what’s behind this prostitute reveal

Hatsoff5 · 15/07/2022 15:48

sensinggettingcloser · 15/07/2022 13:03

It is actually a way of life for some women. They're not all trafficked.

There's a woman who is a regular gym-goer - it's her life. She's in such great shape she can command hefty fees. It wouldn't do for me, but to her, well she's found a way to finance the lifestyle she wants. It's her business.

True. MN can be really unreasonable on this topic. There was an recent AMA about a prostitute herself... she admitted herself she willingly did it.

BIWI · 15/07/2022 15:48

JFC Have I wandered into an episode of The Handmaid's Tale?!

unname · 15/07/2022 15:51

The OP complained that they aren’t having sex!

MaryChild · 15/07/2022 15:59

FullHousehere · 15/07/2022 15:40

Is this real? Is this a man talking?? "Take care if his sexual needs..." WTAF??

Show quote history

I was struggling for a phrase that didn't sound crude. The OP needs sex otherwise she wouldn't have pointed that out. By taking the lead the OP is much more likely to get what she wants.

Sarahthecactus · 15/07/2022 16:00

@unname

Perhaps given her attitude to hookers she has really uptight attitudes and sex has gotten to be a chore for him?

AliasGrape · 15/07/2022 16:05

The MRAs are here I see.

Women are allowed boundaries.

It’s not ‘uptight’ to not want to have sex
with/ marry someone who thinks women can be bought, that consent can be bought, and who can have sex with someone not knowing or caring whether they have been trafficked into slavery or are otherwise being exploited.

I don’t care about my husband having ‘a past’ providing it was with partners who were able to give consent freely. Fuck all to do with being uptight or insecure. Very much to do with being a feminist (though I’d be equally dubious if he used a male sex worker and not that bothered if he had a consensual same sex encounter actually) - which isn’t the insult some people think it is.

OP it’s totally up to you.You don’t have to just get over it because it’s ‘in his past’ and it’s ok if this is a dealbreaker for you. It’s also fine if you want to try to move past it. Nobody can make that decision for you.

BanditoShipman · 15/07/2022 16:06

Sarahthecactus · 15/07/2022 15:44

@FullHousehere

She has a point. Someone this uptight about this may well have other issues surrounding sex and he may well not have his needs met at all, which could be contributing or causing the problems. Everyone has needs whether emotional or physical and unless their are medical or age related reasons you can’t expect to neglect a man forever then have him be happy.
Perhaps that is what’s behind this prostitute reveal

WTF?????

BanditoShipman · 15/07/2022 16:08

Sarahthecactus · 15/07/2022 16:00

@unname

Perhaps given her attitude to hookers she has really uptight attitudes and sex has gotten to be a chore for him?

She’s uptight about a man buying a woman’s body? Even though there’s a 90% chance she doesn’t want to sell it to him??

Thats ‘uptight’? You must be having a laugh

Sarahthecactus · 15/07/2022 16:09

I don’t know what your talking about but I know men do have needs. I can’t imagine that someone this worked up about a one time hooker years before they were married didn’t also make a big deal out of normal sex. I don’t know if my husband has ever had a hooker before he met me and I don’t want to know, so I don’t ask. Simples.
People on this site seem really deluded about men imo.

greatblueheron · 15/07/2022 16:11

He lied to you about paying for sex. That would be a dealbreaker for me.

You have to decide if it's one for you. But marriages shouldn't be this hard after only a year, and it sounds like perhaps you've made a mistake. Easier to end it now then later. Don't get pregnant until you are sure if you're staying.

Iamsnoopy · 15/07/2022 16:12

Paying for sex is totally different to sexual history.
for me it’s a form of abuse and control of women

  • so I could not continue in my marriage

CallOnMe · 15/07/2022 16:21

Perhaps given her attitude to hookers she has really uptight attitudes and sex has gotten to be a chore for him?

If he’s that unhappy he can leave though.
So I doubt the sex is that bad else they wouldn’t have lasted this long.

billy1966 · 15/07/2022 16:25

@Iamsnoopy
Agree.

I don't believe a person needs to provide a sexual history to any partner, they have a right to their privacy.

Paying for sex is a whole different thing.

It speaks to someone's character.

oakleaffy · 15/07/2022 16:26

It doesn't seem that unusual for men to pay for sex, They seem too see it as ''Transactional''.
I wouldn't be happy though if a partner of mine did it, either, but having spoken to men who have paid for sex, they like the ''Pay and get needs met'' aspect.

It is extremely unlikely he set foot inside a brothel just to look at the wallpaper, so he would most likely have had a ''Personal service''.

If you don't like it, leave?

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 15/07/2022 16:34

MoltenLasagne · 15/07/2022 12:59

The use of prostitutes would be a massive deal breaker for me. I know enough about brothels in Germany to know they are hell on earth - the women who aren't trafficked are kept in a form of indentured servitude where they have to "service" enough punters a day to cover the costs of their rooms and the brothel owners set the prices low to compete with other brothels and the women (and some men) get no say.

That he lied to you about it shows that he knew it was a deal breaker for you and took away your ability to choose. Clearly consent is not really an issue for him.

I agree with all of this about German brothels. But I do think that his motives for lying have some relevance. Did he lie because he now recognises how wrong it was, and feels very ashamed, or was it just to shut you up?

MaryChild · 15/07/2022 16:36

Sarahthecactus · 15/07/2022 16:09

I don’t know what your talking about but I know men do have needs. I can’t imagine that someone this worked up about a one time hooker years before they were married didn’t also make a big deal out of normal sex. I don’t know if my husband has ever had a hooker before he met me and I don’t want to know, so I don’t ask. Simples.
People on this site seem really deluded about men imo.

I agree about men, I'm amazed how many women on here don't understand them. Men are simple creatures.

AliasGrape · 15/07/2022 16:40

People on this site seem really deluded about men imo

No I know that there are huge huge amounts of men who see paying for sex as no big deal, and feel entitled to get their ‘needs’ met no matter who they have to exploit to do it, and think visiting a brothel
full of trafficked women is just what you do for laughs on a lads holiday.

I just don’t want to be married to any of those ones.

Sarahthecactus · 15/07/2022 16:46

@MaryChild

They refuse point blank to understand because for whatever reason they need to believe that secretly deep down men are just like them or something. Life is much simpler and less confusing as a woman if you just accept men are different to women lol.

badgerbognor · 15/07/2022 16:52

Men are simple creatures

This sort of simplistic misogynistic man-serving thinking makes me want to vomit. Yeah, men are too simple to have the capacity to think about how getting their cock-want met affects anyone but them. They are too simple to think about how getting their cock-needs met affects women. I mean, men have been some of the world's greatest philosophers and thinkers and artists and engineers and scientists and philanthropists, but they are too simple creatures to think through the morality of paying a women for sex/having an affair/ using women for sex. Of of thinking through all the mechanisms and factors and ethics surrounding the sex industry. Far too simples for that.

Bollocks. They are just as capable as any human of thinking this through. And they have a moral responsibility to do so.

Anotheronebitesthebust · 15/07/2022 16:57

I've not read all of the thread but ... I am dealing with this myself. And certainly there's been another couple of posters recently the same. Let me read the whole thread and I will come back. I may pm you too.

CallOnMe · 15/07/2022 16:57

I don’t know what your talking about but I know men do have needs.

And women don’t?

Most women like and want sex just as much, if not more than most men.

This was said as an excuse for men cheating from years ago when women weren’t allowed to enjoy sex and they were blamed for their men cheating.

BadNomad · 15/07/2022 17:05

Anyone happy to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with them is not someone I want to be in a relationship with either. Lying about it makes it worse.

He wanted sex, so he bought sex. He wanted a relationship with you, so he lied to get a relationship with you. This is a man who puts his wants before anyone else. This is the type of person he is. I'm sure you'll see it in other ways.

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