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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband lied to me before we got married.

184 replies

Runningmum2022 · 15/07/2022 11:23

Hi, I have never posted on here before but needed some rational female opinions. I have been married to be husband for almost a year and together for three. It came out in an argument that he did actually have sex with a prostitute when he was younger in a different country. I knew that he went to a brotherl with work mates in Germany but he always denied he did anything. I have serious moral issues with this - to the point if I knew this when we were dating I wouldn't have continued the relationship. Our marriage is quite strained at the moment due to his business going under and we are not having sex as he is isolating due to Covid. Am I projecting and making a huge deal about nothing?? Help me out please x thanks

OP posts:
Crazykatie · 15/07/2022 13:35

I would let it go, there are some things that are very sensitive, at least he is being honest. Reverse the situation would you have told him if you had a termination previously, or a child in your teens which was adopted - many would not.

Judge him by his behavior now, if moral standing is really a problem for you end it now, best of luck finding a perfect man.

sensinggettingcloser · 15/07/2022 13:36

@CupidStunt22 I guess it's a very British attitude.

CupidStunt22 · 15/07/2022 13:36

youcantparktheresir · 15/07/2022 13:13

I don't like that he lied, but I'm a firm believer that partners have no right to know their souses past.

It's the past.. as long as he's been tested and he hasn't cheated in your relationship let the past be the past.

I never understood why people want to unpick the past of their other halves. I personally don't want to hear it and don't care for it!

So if he was married before, or had a kid, or killed someone, or mugged old ladies, no-one has a right to know because its in the past? And you wouldn't care about anything he did before you met him?

You're either lying or have no standards of any kind.

JustKittenAround · 15/07/2022 13:36

worriedatthistime · 15/07/2022 13:29

@JustKittenAround get over yourself
I don't do any not that i have to justify but I don't look down on everyone else and you still never answered the question did you ??

I don’t need to get over myself. The hell is wrong with you? Why are you grossly targeting me…. Ohhhhhhh I know why. LOL

You question is gormless claptrap. The very reason I think the way I do is because I am for women and I don’t co-sign eagerly and stupidly on the selling of their bodies.

But you do huh? You got that Happy Hooker in your mind right? LOL Go on now! Keep telling us about you! You’ve been doing well at that!

CupidStunt22 · 15/07/2022 13:37

sensinggettingcloser · 15/07/2022 13:36

@CupidStunt22 I guess it's a very British attitude.

What is? I'm not British.

AchatAVendre · 15/07/2022 13:39

It would be a dealbreaker for me. Both due to the lying and what he did. I'd find it really difficult to have sex with a man who had bought sex from a prostitute. He is literally a different person from what he made out to be.

The fact that it came out during an argument is a bit concerning too. If divorcing him, maybe be careful he has some way of earning a living set up first, as you don't want to have to pay him aliment.

AchatAVendre · 15/07/2022 13:41

Crazykatie · 15/07/2022 13:35

I would let it go, there are some things that are very sensitive, at least he is being honest. Reverse the situation would you have told him if you had a termination previously, or a child in your teens which was adopted - many would not.

Judge him by his behavior now, if moral standing is really a problem for you end it now, best of luck finding a perfect man.

Don't be ridiculous. Even psychopathic criminals can put on an act around certain people or to suit them. Judging someone on their past behaviour is entirely sensible.

Its really not difficult to find a man who hasn't slept with a prostitute. If you're struggling to find one, then maybe take steps to widen or improve your social circle.

worriedatthistime · 15/07/2022 13:41

@JustKittenAround your for women but use the word hooker ? I don't think you are at all and I am not the one looking down in people who may of had to make a living fo get by , you are and im not targeting you , your the one replying to my posts as well and so yes I will respond

unname · 15/07/2022 13:42

Three important questions:
Who is he now?

Does he have the same values as he did then?
Do you believe in forgiveness?

JustKittenAround · 15/07/2022 13:43

You are seriously slow dude. I cannot believe I have to explain a trope and that happy hooker is one.

Still not going to lower my standards lol

Stay mad!

AStar98 · 15/07/2022 13:43

I understand how you're mixed up with this one, if he lied about that is it possible he's lied about anything else?

It totally depends on the type of person he is, I have exes who had they told me this I wouldn't have lost trust in them because I know it's out of character for them, but then there are a couple of exes where it wouldn't have come as a shock and I know there would be another lie following.

Honestly, I don't think you can just write off your marriage without thinking about who he is, has he lied previously and how you feel about him now.

You're married to the guy so surely there's a strong foundation somewhere?

worriedatthistime · 15/07/2022 13:45

@CupidStunt22 in your opinion they do , but you don't get to make that call on standards , you have lower standards in other areas for all anyone knows in someone elses opinion
So do you apply your thoughts to the sex workers do you consider them to have lower standards as well ?
In this situation the OP was lied too so its different but in anther aituation someone may have a whole story and be able to see past if because its not always black and white like people make out on here
Its like most say they would leave their dh if he cheated but when it happens its not always as easy as it is to say for many

MummyJ36 · 15/07/2022 13:46

Ah OP I can see why this would be a shock. I’d be shocked too if I found this out about my DH. But if he is a good husband and good guy I would try and move on. We all do silly things when we’re young, some more than others, and a lot of us can feel shame from past sexual experiences and choices. He did not know you at the time and it doesn’t sound like he has done this kind of thing since so what are you gaining by shaming him now? Surely there are things you have done before you met your DH that you aren’t proud of? How would it feel if he shamed you for them now?

worriedatthistime · 15/07/2022 13:47

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JustKittenAround · 15/07/2022 13:47

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SammyScrounge · 15/07/2022 13:47

A group of young. men working abroad had a few drinks and then egged one another on to visit a brothel. This was before he met the OP. This was a pack of daft young men having what they see as an adventure for big bad bold men. In short a piece of nonsense.
It was on the past. Leave it lying there.

GCAcademic · 15/07/2022 13:49

worriedatthistime · 15/07/2022 13:29

@JustKittenAround get over yourself
I don't do any not that i have to justify but I don't look down on everyone else and you still never answered the question did you ??

I certainly look down on men who rape trafficked women. Germany has the highest rate of human trafficking in the EU, there is a very real possibility that consent was not part of the service that the OP’s husband purchased. If that makes me judgemental, so be it, as least I’m not an apologist for rape. The OP is perfectly justified in not wanting a rapist in her bed.

Your accusations of a PP looking down on sex “workers” (a term which is just as problematic as the one you’ve pounced on - do you usually conflate people trafficked into slavery with willing workers?) is a straw man. It’s the OP’s husband who is being judged here, and for his own behaviour, not that of a woman whose body he bought.

Pyewhacket · 15/07/2022 13:50

You haven't even been married a year yet. Give it a chance.

JustKittenAround · 15/07/2022 13:51

Done replying to you btw. Every reply will be met with this and a number.

Go pay someone to love or care about you. Go harass someone to lower their standards. Go touch grass and kick rocks.

respectfully asking your sex buying ass to leave me be. My standards are to high for you.

good day!

#2

JustKittenAround · 15/07/2022 13:51

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Done replying to you btw. AEvery reply will be met with this and a number.

Go pay someone to love or care about you. Go harass someone to lower their standards. Go touch grass and kick rocks.

respectfully asking your sex buying ass to leave me be. My standards are to high for you.

good day!

#2

AHamSandwich · 15/07/2022 13:52

If this is about some feminist stance the truth is All men have watched porn and a lot of men have either payed for it or at least been to strip clubs. Let it go or go for women.

The truth is not all men watch porn. I always wonder how people can say that, I've never asked all the men In my life or who I come across what sex things they like, do you ask your dad, brothers, and your friends husbands if they watch porn?

Lots do yes, but it's perfectly ok to not want to be with a man who purchases sexual consent or treats women's bodied like a commodity. Absolutely fine if a woman like yourself is ok with that stuff but it's also absolutely ok to have that as a boundary.

Op doesn't have to be a lesbian because she doesn't want to be with a man who thinks sexual consent is something to be purchased. You also make it sound like women don't watch prob or use strip clubs or purchase sex workers. Would you tell a gay man he should be straight if he didn't want a partner with a history of purchasing men to fuck?

My dh doesn't use porn, he hasn't paid to use anyones body and he had no need to lie because when we met, I had zero problem with any of it, it was him for who porn was a deal breaker for, it was him who made me see just how scummy and shady the adult industry can be. He had zero need to lie at all. He has left lads weekends away early when they've decided to spend the weekend "sharing" a couple of sec workers, he's come home for stag nights early when they head to strip clubs and he did this when he was single too, I've been present when he's been mocked by men he's worked with for leaving nights out or not going out at all when he's had to work away with people who have tried to pay for a woman for him.

Ops husband should have been honest from the start so she could make her own informed choice, maybe if he said it's a one off when he was young, like lots of men have done, then she maybe could have looked past it, but if he still thinks it's ok to purchase sexual consent and lied to OP knowing it's a dealbreaker for her and that she's not want to be in a relationship or have sexual with him, then he's a cunt, he could have let her go and find himself one if the many women for who it's not a deal breaker. The fact he chose to lie to keep her in a relationship with him adds to that the entitled to women attitude some of the men who purchased consent have.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 15/07/2022 13:58

I personally wouldn't be happy with this, as I think despite what happened in his/your pasts there's a world of difference from having possibly unprotected sex with trafficked prostitutes to say clubbing and doing drugs in your 20s.

But probably some MNers will disagree.

Suprima · 15/07/2022 13:58

German brothels are fucking vile. ‘All you can eat’ for 30 euro to compete with other brothels.

I’d feel very sad about marrying someone who thought this was ok

Lots of women on this thread clearly think it’s fine- you are welcome to these dregs. Not everyone else feels the same as you.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 15/07/2022 13:59

I had a boyfriend years ago who said he'd seen strippers in pubs (the type where you put coins in a beer mug on the bar). Turned out after we broke up he'd cheated on me whilst we were together, and probably used prostitutes but lied about it. It's more common than you'd think.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 15/07/2022 14:00

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