Husband lied to me before we got married.

[Runningmum2022]

Hi, I have never posted on here before but needed some rational female opinions. I have been married to be husband for almost a year and together for three. It came out in an argument that he did actually have sex with a prostitute when he was younger in a different country. I knew that he went to a brotherl with work mates in Germany but he always denied he did anything. I have serious moral issues with this - to the point if I knew this when we were dating I wouldn't have continued the relationship. Our marriage is quite strained at the moment due to his business going under and we are not having sex as he is isolating due to Covid. Am I projecting and making a huge deal about nothing?? Help me out please x thanks

That's not what that phrase means. It's a well used phrase that means there's nothing complicated about men and understanding them is really simple.

Interesting rant though.

@badgerbognor

No one said men weren’t clever, we said they were simple in regards to sex especially. Look at all those great artists and others you mentioned - The Picasso’s, The Mozarts or John Lennons, whoever - all brilliant - but so they behave any differently from other men sexually? No, they are incredibly basic and predictable despite their genius in other areas.

Sex isn’t about brilliant thought or art, it’s just instinct regardless of how clever the man is. Most are very similar.

What happened in the past is not your business. Presumably he has safe sex. Would you be as bothered if he'd had loads of one night stands?

There's so much I could write. I'll try to paraphrase. I've been in this position twice. One is ongoing.

Knowing and demanding someones sexual history is not the same as knowing if your man has ever paid for sex. Nor is it like porn (and I don't like that either). The majority of women would prefer their partner not to have paid for sex. Ever. And if they had, to know this so they could exercise choice; either way. It's fine not to be bothered if you really aren't. So I think people conflating these things isn't helpful.

I was in a similar position in the past, told about sex workers in their past, let it go (against my instinct) and it ended very badly a couple of years later.

I'm in a relationship now (over 4 yrs) and have the same issue (I have had relationships in between where I am pretty sure the men never had done this!) - although we aren't married or cohabiting. Found out 8 months in, when madly deeply in love. Had I known before - anyway, but esp with my history - I absolutely would have passed. Hard pass. So what do you do then? I carried on what is/was an otherwise satisfying and loving relationship.

Anyway. It hasn't gone away. Most of the time I have forgotten about it. Every few weeks/months it rears itself despite my best efforts. I've had counselling. We've had one session together and I am prepared to do more but I do wonder (him too) if it is vain.

I love this man. He's been my best friend and confidant. However, I can only explain that it's been like trying to suppress something integral to me. There's other things too... porn (recent past), strip clubs (distant past), sexist comments on social media (mid past), and a few things he's said as a joke (in our relationship) that I think... wow! Ultimately, he is not a feminist. I think most of his exes have been pretty liberal so maybe he didn't see the issues. He does regret what he did now, claims it was just peer pressure/curiosity (he was 30 not 18 though), and says he's stopped using porn. However in arguments sometimes things come out that seem to justify sex work etc. I think I can probably only realistically date men that are feminists - in deeds not words. And not - at my age - that need educating about it. Fuck that. He can think what he does (and I am sure if we split up which seems likely that he will think I've been over the top and unfair) and I can think what I do (that sleeping with sex workers is not an attractive trait or a positive sign in a serious partner).

It's an awful awful situation. He's an otherwise kind, loyal, sensitive, connected and fun boyfriend. Swept me off my feet. In a good way. I am mostly heartbroken. But I do feel that we need - as women - to raise our standards when it comes to sex work, porn etc. And maybe, once again, despite my instincts and feminism etc, I didn't. I thought I could let it ride over me due to love and it being before me/a long time ago. However, it is still proving very very difficult.

If I learned that my partner had paid to rape a woman (which is what prostitution is) it would be the end of the relationship. The same with using porn. Both are abuse.

My now husband went to a couple of strip clubs and to a sex show when we were young. It gave me the ick even then, but it was the 90s and we were all supposed to be cool and chill about it then, so I soldiered on. Like you, I was mostly annoyed that he lied to me about it, although it was fairly early on in our relationship and, like I say, we were young and stupid. To be honest, he didn't enjoy it, it was just something that was expected back then. So I would have sympathy for someone who had done something like that, depending on the era and their age. I absolutely would not be with someone that did anything like that now. So, depending on when he actually did it, does that make a difference? The lying is a whole
other issue, but if he thought he was going to lose you - I'm not saying it's ok, but he also may not want to be penalised for one stupid mistake when he was younger (if he was indeed young and stupid at the time).

To add - my husband and I have been together for 25 years now, this is well, well, well in the past. He feels the same way as I do, about strip clubs and men who pay for sex. Ick.

If he had slept with a few prostitutes would that have made any difference? Genuinely interested.

Mines was in the past. Almost as long. I guess it's how he told me and how he sort of justified it at the time that didn't help. Didn't seem to think it was a big deal. And also strip clubs and a sex show etc.

And would it have made a difference if he had been in his 30s? Interested.

@anotheronebitesthedust I honestly can't say if I would have stayed if he had slept with a prostitute. Infidelity has always been a big no-no for me anyway (my parents' marriage broke up in part due to it). From the early days of our relationship I said if he wanted to sleep with someone else then he should have the decency to tell me first. And that's without the extra awfulness of paying for sex. Even if he hadn't felt comfortable doing it, it would still disgust me. But I know that what he did do was partly due to peer pressure and the culture at the time, (and the fact he was a teenager) and he's not like that now, and hasn't done anything even remotely like it for over twenty years. If I was dating and met a man in his thirties who had done it recently I would be out of there like a shot.

@anotheronebitesthebust tagged you incorrectly, sorry 🤦‍♀️

And yes, he did try to justify it at the time, but absolutely does not now. I don't think he was ever that type of person to be honest. I don't really understand men who are actually into that sort of thing.

Sex isn’t about brilliant thought or art, it’s just instinct regardless of how clever the man is. Most are very similar.

Both males and females have an instinct to have sex to reproduce just like any other animal.

As humans we have more control over those instincts than other animals.

If we didn’t have any control then no women would ever have a child with a man out of fear he would rape the children - of course it happens but not simply because of his need to have sex.
It’s the entitlement that they believe those around them should be used to pleasure them ‘as they have needs’.

A man’s need to have sex is just as strong as a woman’s.
But women don’t have the sense of entitlement that some men do so don’t use it as an excuse to rape, cheat or use prostitutes.

Most young men get prostitutes due to a fantasy and don’t do it again.
Those that use prostitutes regularly have serious issues - it’s not because they have ‘needs’.
.

I don't think I could forgive a man that paid for the use of a prostituted woman's body.

Sounds different when you're not kidding yourself that it's some sex-positive high class escort who is somehow safe from vicious injury because it's something she 'chose' to do and not something she was forced into. For avoidance of doubt - I think it's rape. Financial coercion is not consent.

Only you know if it's a deal breaker @Runningmum2022. The fact you've had several conversations and he's lied to you is worse IMO. FWIW I would 100% back any friend who wanted to dissolve a marriage for this reason.

What if you met a man in you late 40s who had done it at 30 ish? 😩

I was chatting to someone this week who had been the only woman in a music industry sales team in her 30s. She's 60 now. She told me how she had been dragged into a strip clinic and a brothel in Germany as the alternative was to be left on her own. The 10 men she was with all sleep with prostitutes bar 2. All married. Aged from 29 to 60s. Completely normal. Wives had no idea. Traumatised her and obviously now she's shocked she went along with it. But it struck a chord with me as to just how normal this is and what a boys club it can be.

Strip clinic 😂 strip club

Why do you think you know my husband better than myself. His reasons for not watching are none of what you mention. He had no need to lie about it being a deal breaker for him, he doesn't have any medical conditions

He used to watch it until he hit 20 and then had a relationship with a woman who, like many have mentioned, was pushed into sex work when she was 17 by a 30 year old man who would ply her with booze and sometimes drugs secretly record himself shagging her and share with mates who posted it online, and then started making her sleep with his friends and he'd record that too. He realised then he actually had no idea if the men and women in the porn he watched were actually there through free choice nor making the big money. So he stopped.

He was a random one night stand and I'd already fucked his brains out before we talked about this stuff. So no, there's nothing medically wrong with him and he isn't some self righteous male feminist trying to get sex from a niche group of women. He just loved and cared about someone harmed by being pushed into sex work abe stopped finding porn arousing as he said he can't be one hundred per cent sure he's not wanking to someone being raped.

A close friend I met in my late 30s has a similar story, groomed by older man, given drugs and once addicted made to sleep with his mates who also recorded her without her knowledge. She hasn't had a relationship with anyone since because of how she was treat and just doesn't trust men anymore. She would be made to lie about her age and would also be hit if she didn't pretend to be loving every second of it.

I think all men (and probably must women) these days have watched it or seen it at some point but I don't agree that one hundred per cent men regularly use it. I don't think my husband is some kind of righteous saint, He won't be the only man with loved ones abused and pushed into porn, do you have a source that verifies your all men claim?

@anotheronebitesthebust anything past teens/early twenties I would be worried about. That young it can be mistake or peer pressure. Older than that I feel it's a conscious choice, and not someone I would want to be involved with. I feel for the woman you mentioned, that must have been hideous, I can't imagine being in that situation 😨

@anotheronebitesthebust but I know my husband isn't like this. He spends most of his time with me and/or our kids, he doesn't really like socialising much unless it's us going out, or seeing close friends. But more than that, and I know it seems like I'm an innocent given what I've read on here, I just know he's not like that, at his core.

I would want to know how he checked that she wasn’t trafficked

A surprising number of people are missing the point, and talking about the fact that his sex life before he met you isn't your business. But as you made clear, that's not what this is about. It's about the fact he had sex with a sex worker, which for you is a red line. The fact he wasn't dating you at the time is immaterial. And secondly that, knowing your stance on this, he lied to you about it.

On both those counts I don't think I could look at him the same ever again. Lying to your partner is bad enough, but lying to them about something you know would be a dealbreaker for them is beyond bad.

I take the point of those people saying that he did something in the past when he was young and you shouldn't hold that against him. BUT it doesn't sound like it was THAT long ago (maybe the last 5 years?) - so is he still that person? And that doesn't answer the fact that he lied for so long. Plus, it's OK to not overlook something just because it happened a long time ago. For most of us there will be things we couldn't ignore (say, murder or sexual assualt) no matter how long ago they happened. For the op it's OK if that includes paying for sex.

I agree, I am not particularly interested in my OH's past sex life, nor he in mine. I know we both had sex with other people in the past, but it isn't important or relevant to the relationship we have now.

BUT- I would take very seriously the fact the my OH had paid to use a woman's body- no matter how long ago- it's in the same league as rape, assault, arson.

I would seriously judge a man's character if he had ever used a prostitute- inn te same way would judge him if I found out he had committed GBH.

For those who think OP has no right to know, why do you think the blood donation service asks if you've ever had sex with someone who's paid for sex? It's pretty important.

You're not making a huge deal out of nothing, no.

He lied about a deal breaker of yours. We lie to withhold information that would cause someone to make a decision we wouldn't want them to, i.e. to manipulate them. That's all. Someone said 'he lied because he didn't want you to have a bad opinion of him, is that so bad?'. Well yes it is, I think. OP laid out something unacceptable to her, a boundary.

It sounds like it's a new marriage anyway and problems have arisen. Do you think he could be handing you this information now so you make the decision to end things and he doesn't have to?

Personally I would not be able to see this man the same. If it was a youthful, much-regretted, one off (I'm talking at the age of 17 or so, not 30) then the right thing would have been to explain that and let you make the right decision.

If it were me, I'd take a chance and offer to forgive anything he's done up to that point as long as he admits to it there and then, secretly I'd be hoping that no more major revelations crawl out of the woodwork. When he's finished, I'd then suggest you immediately take care of his (and your own) sexual needs,

Yes, that's a Proper Woman's Role in all this.
Forgive him, then immediately shag him.
After all - what else are women for?

@MaryChild why is your entire focus on OP's man, & not HER feelings?
You need to put this behind you asap as there is already enough strain on your relationship.
Why is your entire take on the subject an instruction to forget it, in case - horrors! - it jeopardises her relationship?
Isn't that up to OP, not you?