Affair with student

[yellowdungarees]

I received a Facebook message from a woman who claims that she and my husband of 10+ years have been having an emotional affair for the past 3 years. H is a college professor and she is (or was) a mature student. The age gap between them is 28 years which makes me sick to my stomach. He is 56.

This woman has said thing in the message that there is no way she could know about unless he’d told her. Personal things about me, our marriage and (worst of all) our children. She claims that they never slept together but that they were involved emotionally and there was definitely a sexual element to it in that they fancied the pants off of one another and that they had things in common.

I confronted him and he admitted to it (how could he not?!) but stated that she is mentally unwell and that she leaned on him for support so he wanted to help her. But 3 years?! Even after she graduated, they carried on seeing each other. He’s been to her house several times. They’ve been on days out together. She said that he told her that he loved her. He said that she was obsessed with him and the only reason he carried on is because he was afraid that she would kill herself.

I can’t eat or sleep. I can’t take care of our children. What do I do?

You kick him out he's a liar. If it was in Covent he wouldn't have hidden it from you. You deserve better. I am sorry you are going through this

Apologies. My head is scrambled and I don’t know how to process all of this information.

Innocent not in convent!

What do you want OP ?

MN is always quick to shout LTB without any knowledge of your situation or wishes. LTB is of course an option. It isn't the only one though.

The most important thing at the moment is to give yourself time and not to be forced into any decisions that are going to have a life long impact on your whole family until you are good and ready.

There was a thread on here yesterday about continuing a marriage after a physical affair. You may find that helpful as it gives a number of different perspectives for all the options open to you.

My opinion for what it's worth is that I would want to know why it never became physical and why she has contacted you now after 3 years. Had he ended it. Had she ended it when realising it would never be more than a friendship ?

A lot to unpick. I also do not subscribe to the 'chuck him out in order to get some space' .. in my opinion you need to do some serious talking. Even if that still results in you deciding that separation is a preferable route to take.

What do I tell the kids? I can’t believe this is happening. Just last week him and the kids baked a birthday cake for me and we had such a great weekend. How can he lie like this?

Great post@tryingtohelpbutprobabyfailing

He certainly seems to have gone into the excuses mode already.

Her fault, tick.
Mentally unstable, tick,
Worried she would kill herself tick.

What a knight in shining armour he is! Hero coming to her rescue.

What you do about it is down to you. How old are your kids?

Your husband is a disgrace.

If he had a mentally unwell student or coworker he knows exactly what to do. Refer them to the mental health services or advise them to see their doctor.

If he was supporting someone through difficulties he would tell you. My husband recently met a female colleague who'd been doing through a really hard time. He told me when it was arranged and they popped in for her to meet me and our child on the way back.

If he was afraid she'd end her life he'd have questioned exactly why their relationship would lead to that: that's a warning sign the intensity is not appropriate for a married person. He had every ability to get professional advice from the samaritans or mental health services who'd rightly have told him that you cannot go along with what someone wants due to fear of suicide. You can't force or prevent someone from taking their life. He had every opportunity to end contact, provide her with the details for the samaritans and crisis team or even ring them and ask them to contact her if he was concerned.

I don't buy that it was never sexual. Days out, private meet ups at her home, and they're claiming it wasn't sexual? Nonsense. I'm so, so sorry. He's cooked this story up a while back and memorised it ready for the affair to come to light and he's insulting your intelligence assuming you'd believe it.

This doesn't mean you have to end the marriage. You need time to figure out what YOU want. It's tempting right now to cling to him out of fear and try and keep the relationship you've had for so long, when in time you might see that you're better off without a lying cheat. Most people can't stomach going to bed each night and being intimate with someone who can so easily lie to the faces of their spouse and children.

I'm sorry OP. Get some time signed off work, find a counsellor, tell your friends what's going on, lean on them. Ask him to leave and stay somewhere else for a while and figure out your options. You're probably in shock right now so I'm sure none of this will sink in but I'm thinking of you.

Therapists advise telling them a version of the truth, in an age appropriate way.

Mum and dad are having some problems in their relationship at the moment and things might feel different around here for a while. We both love you to pieces. If you want to know anything, you can always ask.

Wow! I think in this case even though there was no physical intimacy the close relationship they have without being physical is bad enough, I think it shows he has a connection with this woman and not just doing it for sex. Sorry for being so blunt but you are worth more than this please get rid of this horrible man, he does not value you or your marriage. I really hope you are okay.

I asked a similar question in a forum after I went through an ordeal like that (despite already knowing the answer, as I'm sure you do too). If she hadn't reached out to you, he would still be doing all the things you described, and even caught he continues to lie. Dragging out the inevitable will only lengthen your processing/grief/recovery; it may seem impossible now, but you'll get to the other side of this and more than likely happier than you were before you found out. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Try to eat and sleep and -- I suggest the Calm app. The guided meditations in the free trial have some of the most comforting voices.. helped me through a tough time. I live in TX USA and have never heard of this forum, but stumbled across your post and wanted to reach out. Will keep you in my thoughts.

Thank you for the replies, it really means a lot as I have no one to turn to right now.

I’ve exchanged quite a few messages with this woman, who seems very likeable and intelligent, and very beautiful judging by her profile picture. She apologised for her part in the affair and said that she was very lonely and that he’s opened up to her about how horrid things at home were for him and that HE contemplated suicide on a frequent basis. This then triggered her past issues and they confided in one another about their apparent mental health struggles. His mental health problems are news to me.

She said that they kissed every time they saw one another and that he’d asked her for nudes pictures. He’s touched her over clothes but they’ve never actually had sex. I can believe this because he never wants sex with me either, due to ED.

I don’t know what I want right now. I love him and I thought that we had a good marriage.

So he's played on her emotions by claiming things were terrible at home and he's mentally unwell. What a catch.

Just because they say it never progressed into full sex doesn't mean it didn't. He might have threatened her and said if she ever tells you about the sex part he'll do something awful.

It's okay not to know what you want right now. Just remember: you are worth more than this. You are worth more than him. You didn't betray your partner and family and lie to your loved ones. You have integrity. Whether you choose to stay with him or not, remember that none of this reflects on you.

Why did she rat him out?

did he promise her something? Why would she blow him up like this?

she knew he was married. She knew the score.

she knew she wasn’t supposed to talk.

why did she do it? I’m wondering be because it might make you finally disgusted enough to see this man as he is.

also 3 years?!? They’ve had sex. Are you impaired?!? Like come on. You have this man giving details, sexual element, but he doesn’t stick it in because of what!? Respect for you?

tough love time

they have had sex. Emotional affairs where participants have access to each other are physical affairs. I’m hating to give you the slap in the face but it’s true. Go get tested.

oh and the man calling a woman crazy! Brand new! Must be true!

if this isn’t some troll I’d say she’s been promised a lot from your husband and this has been her first hoist of the sword. Later when he doesn’t come through because you’ll still be playing the fool believing a LIAR who has promised you things he has on record went back on, more truth will come out.

3 years!?! No sex!.?! Jesus, that’s almost worse. Like what does that make your whole connection? …… no sex needed and he’s ready to emotionally step out? Wake up please,

i mean come on! You’d take a proven liar of a man and his alleged mentally unwell cohort’s word over common sense?!?

it hurts and I’ve been there. Don’t waste time clinging to those who will continue to stab you. Please.

PS please stop conversation with her. She’s not your problem. He is.

Nothing to save, going on this post. I would want him GONE, GONE, GONE!

I’d take a step back here. I’m an academic and have witnessed staff being targeted by obsessive students. In one particular harrowing case a student with significant and well documented mental health problems ended up trying to blackmail the member of staff and then committing suicide.

This does not for one minute excuse what your DH has done. He has been an absolute dick and at his age/level of experience he should know what to do when a student presents with support needs. As a minimum he needs to:

Sit down with you and tell you absolutely everything - in detail. This will be a really tough conversation and will probably take you some time to process it. You need to know for your own protection and so that you can make decisions about your future.

He needs to tell his line manager. Staff student relationships, while not forbidden, are frowned upon and if he did not follow protocol in declaring the relationship he could find himself in very hot water that could, in a worse case scenario, see him up on a disciplinary. She may escalate or threaten to in an attempt to control him.

You need to take control and set the agenda. The student has contacted you because she wants him to leave you, because he is not giving her something she wants (e.g. a good grade), or they’ve fallen out/he’s finished it. This won’t be the last you hear from her, particularly if you don’t sling him out (and you’re completely within your rights to do that).

She’s come forward now because he’s blocked her on everything and she’s a wreck - oh the irony! I think she wants to punish him and not let him get away with it.

It all makes sense now. I remember him years ago mentioning a student and how much she reminded him of his younger self. They’re from the same small town whereas I’m not from here.

Our kids are 11 and 13. Our daughter worships him. He also has children from a previous marriage - his daughter is the same age as this woman. Fuck.

And yes, stop the conversations with her. She’s luring you in to this - don’t make more of a drama out of this crisis.

Why would she say something after three years? That's a long time to suddenly be remorseful.

He's a twat though, regardless, and if they kissed etc, it's more than an emotional affair.

I’m sorry Op, but it all sounds such a cliché. Even the bit about them not sleeping together.

all the very best going forward and here’s to peace of mind soon.

Ahh, there you go - wait for her to threaten to contact the college. I’d put money on it.

@KingofLoss great advice. 100% agree with both of your posts. None of that could have been stated any better.

OP, I just want to emphasize that last bit about integrity. I didn't know what I wanted either, and you may be too raw with emotion to even begin to process this objectively or logically for some time. But wow. The additional details, him having no problem acting normal on your birthday, at the same time egregiously manipulating and violating your trust... And feigning mental illness and marriage problems to seduce a woman half his age. Disgusting. I'm surprised that he is even attempting to lie with the cards stacked against him like this. And if the ED wasn't an issue for him, you'd better believe they would have been having sex. Sounds like he didn't attempt it because if he did, he was afraid he might lose her.

This is wrong on so many levels, OP. Your husband has abused his position as an educator and even if this women seems nice, she’s an adult (28?) and has willingly participated in this relationship. They’ve both behaved badly and she’s not an exploited teenager.

Your husband could potentially lose his career if it was determined that he’d exploited a student experiencing MH problems, he clearly can’t be trusted to behave appropriately with students. All it will take is one complaint from her and he’ll be under investigation-she could complain now or just n five years, it’ll never go away.

I’d take time to mull this situation over and if possible, confide in a close friend IRL. Don’t make any hasty decisions. 💐

I would expect there is more to come out in this story OP