Affair with student

[yellowdungarees]

I received a Facebook message from a woman who claims that she and my husband of 10+ years have been having an emotional affair for the past 3 years. H is a college professor and she is (or was) a mature student. The age gap between them is 28 years which makes me sick to my stomach. He is 56.

This woman has said thing in the message that there is no way she could know about unless he’d told her. Personal things about me, our marriage and (worst of all) our children. She claims that they never slept together but that they were involved emotionally and there was definitely a sexual element to it in that they fancied the pants off of one another and that they had things in common.

I confronted him and he admitted to it (how could he not?!) but stated that she is mentally unwell and that she leaned on him for support so he wanted to help her. But 3 years?! Even after she graduated, they carried on seeing each other. He’s been to her house several times. They’ve been on days out together. She said that he told her that he loved her. He said that she was obsessed with him and the only reason he carried on is because he was afraid that she would kill herself.

I can’t eat or sleep. I can’t take care of our children. What do I do?

... thst won't get my post deleted.

I line manage academic staff and if one of my team was demanding nude selfies from an unwilling student, I’d not be optimistic about them keeping their job.

He does deserve to lose his job.

And that makes him extremely poor partner/family man material on several fronts .... the infidelity, the exploitation of a (according to him) vulnerable young woman, but also the professional & therefore financial reliability. He has a family, with a young daughter who adores him, to provide for. If he loses his job for misconduct, and hes in a "small pool" type job, how easily would he get another one, with that as the reason for being unemployed. He might have to change career not easy. Op could be left struggling to provide for their family.

He's all round dud.

So glad ole droopy dick got his kicks. Honestly he's lying. There's so much more to this and this fact he's down playing it rings alarm bells.

The fact he hasn't just come clean indicates that he's not a shit head who's who's realised that he's made a mistake, he's just a shit head.

If he had a mentally unwell student or coworker he knows exactly what to do. Refer them to the mental health services or advise them to see their doctor

This. I work in HE. Universities have support mechanisms to pick up students in crisis. I have referred students to these mechanisms many times. There would have been procedures in place he could have followed, he chose to ignore them....

@LooseGoose22

I just can’t get on board with someone losing their job because they had a consensual affair and then the other person got mad about it and wanted to punish them. It’s utterly pathetic and some weird mix of Victorian ideals of women being incapable and a misplaced feeling of metoo.

The only person here who has been wronged is his wife. Certainly not the student who chose to carry out an emotional affair with him. And for those saying but he was her professor - that 28 year old woman liked him because he was her professor. That was the appeal for her.

I am so so sorry OP, you must be going through hell. I have no advice except find your anger and direct every single bit of it at him

I get the feeling the rest of us have found more anger than she did. (OP, I'd like to be wrong about this.) I suggest this only because of the tone of her most recent posts, showing anger more akin to, say... him being rude to his in-laws, rather than having a 3-year affair with a woman half his age, followed by a bundle of lies. Most people can't identify with this guy and wouldn't put up with that shit. People don't like liars, or cheaters, or those who abuse positions of trust. Our boy here is all three best case scenario.

I missed the bit early on where OP said that she's seen screenshots of her husband asking the woman for nudes. (...) Sorry, you can't throw that in there alongside an explanation of husband offering companionship because she was lonely. How do the other excuses even begin to carry any weight? I'm shocked that he had the gall to claim they didn't have sex because he didn't want to wreck his marriage, bullshit. They either had sex or he didn't because of the ED, and would have, either way it certainly wasn't because he gave a crap about his marriage. I'm married, kids, believe me I understand wanting to forgive and move past an indiscretion, and I truly am hopeful that you can if that's what you choose. But how do you not have more anger? This confuses me.

He's got the next cohort to take his pick from soon. Best get this one out of the way

Maybe, or maybe he just got bored, or maybe he couldn't string out not shagging her any longer, or faced up to the fact that leaving for her at any point would end up with him having to admit/show he can't have sex normally with a beautiful young woman 28 yrs younger (who had no kids yet presumably) so the relationship would be extremely unlikely to survive, so not worth blessing his marriage for. Op puts up with his ED, op has kids by him (and presumably wavts and more).
And of course all the financial downsides, and downsides for his kids (Inc the daughter who adors him).

He got his ego stroked, possibly even contemplated leaving for her but realised it's unfeasible, maybe got bored .... hence the dumping that precipitated this.

But how do you not have more anger? This confuses me.

Perhaps in shock.

*so not worth leaving his marriage for

@yellowdungarees

i am a cynic. And roughly in the same age group with you. And this is my take on this all.

—He works with young people. It’d be unnatural if he didn’t notice attractive women.
—In his position - actually having a physical affair, or plural - would have been really easy. Certainly this woman hang on for years - and clearly would have gone there. —She clearly wanted something more - or she would have moved on and had a relationship with someone else.
Her ‘motive’ - sudden onset of consciousness is extremely suspicious. She is clearly after revenge.

He didn’t actually sleep with her, despite that being an easy option. He enjoyed attention and some degree of closeness.
Not great behaviour but also not really a proper affair in my book. More of a midlife crisis cliche not acted upon. Bit pathetic reallu.

I’d not be ending a marriage with kids over that.

@MMmomDD

My take on it as well. Yes it is pathetic and he should be groveling - ultimately I think he bit off far more than he could chew and far from being some suave seducer is probably shitting himself about this woman who clearly has a malicious intent in telling OP.

@HippoLover
@MMmomDD
I agree totally.

He can't say she was mentally unwell and that he was trying to help her, while requesting nude photos and sulking when she doesn't comply. If it was true about her mental health, then he's the biggest, most exploitative sleaze going.
And if it's not true that she's mentally unwell and this is your standard affair, then he's willing to tell you any old bullshit to dig himself out of a hole.

There's no scenario in which he comes out of this looking less bad!

I'm sure she is motivated by revenge. And I think her next step is telling his employer. His behaviour has threatened the financial security of your family and could even result in all this becoming public knowledge. He has given zero consideration to you or your children. I would find it very hard to forgive him sharing deeply personal information with her.
And it's not like she held a gun to his head and forced him to kiss her - he was the one doing a fair bit of the pestering.

He is just sleazy all round. I think I would leave over this.

*He didn't fuck her, because he can't fuck.

He just settled for heavy petting and trying to wank at home (his family home) over nudes of her, if she'd complied (this mentally jnsdsvke, suicidal young Wigan he was trying to "help".

(Woman, obviously).

He is unfaithful, disloyal, deeply unprofessional, and a risk taker (his job and reputation) or too "dumb" to appreciate the risk.

Trying to use her mental health to discredit her (which he might have succeeded in doing if he hadn't been so equally dumb as to tell her deeply personally family info. she could only know through him, and make his propositions in a digital/recordable format) ..... is particularly despicable, and the go to of abusers.

Aside from his non existant integrity, do you really want tied to someone (an academic at that) this stupid?

@LooseGoose22

Flattered by recognition 😊
And as always, and not surprisingly - having a different perspective on a situation on MN needs to be judged and commented on.
We can’t simply be different people and have different experiences and backgrounds.

Many of us have been young women receiving attention from older men. Not many of us maintained such ‘relationship’ for 3 years and upon him ending ‘it’ - decided to throw a bomb into his family.
She was a willing participant in this - whatever it was. She needed something from him and when it stopped getting it - she acted out.
There are many things he could have done with her sexually - to stoke his ego - that he didn’t do.

My opinion on this has nothing to do with standards. It has everything to do with a perspective on life and relationships in a more mature age when most romantic notions we have in our youth have evaporated.

I'm sure she is motivated by revenge.

Ah but revenge, to the recipient of a scam, (and infidelity is often a type of scam with the cheating married person as the scammer and the unattached affair partner as the scamee, who's been their relationship will be official when he escapes the shackles of his unwanted, wrong for him wifey) isn't revenge, it's justice.

(Of course it'll be said the scamee should know better blah blah, but generally the scamee is vulnerable in some way, and the scammer will have started something with her through a process of emilination of non bites on his fishing lures.

Also do 25 yr old women know better than 30 yr old women, or 40 yr old women or his age, 56 yr old women .... generally, not. That's why the scam tends to be with young/er women).

*who's believes their relationship will be official

Because it calls into question the integrity of the degree and the safety of all students. A bloke who wants to get laid isn't failing that student and is very possibly marking their work more leniently - and very possibly failing the one who isn't interested in him. Who gets the best reference for a great opportunity - the one who gives him what he wants, the one who turns him down? Or what if he's controlling of the one he wants and quietly seeks to hold them back so they don't get the amazing year abroad - or marks them down because they went out with friends of their own age and he thinks that means they were 'unfaithful' or 'untrustworthy'?

It's no different than a manager making it clear that they are interested in someone who they write the appraisals for, who gets inappropriate with their direct report when they desperately need that job to pay the bills - except for the fact that unlike a job, a degree classification is for life.

A few years ago, a man at a nearby university was finally exposed as a predator after thirty years. The response from the two colleagues who had studied there (it was a particular degree in one of those Go-To Universities - like Loughborough is well known for one specialism, this university for another) was 'we all knew that, if you wanted a first, there were extra things you had to do in your second or third year to get one'. Your argument that they still consented doesn't hold water when those who rejected him were penalised - and he went on to finally be convicted of sexual assaults. How many had he got away with in the decades he'd been working? There were tens of reports that he'd assaulted women - but how many hadn't reported him? How many unwilling and repulsed women had been too afraid to reject him, as he was so powerful and respected that they thought nobody would ever believe them and write it off as the ramblings of a mentally unstable woman or a jealous bit of stuff?

It's an imbalance of power where enthusiastic, freely given consent is not a given. It puts people at a disadvantage or advantage based upon whether they're giving somebody with power over them sexual and/or emotional pleasure. It creates an environment where sexual assault and rape isn't believed and victims are blamed.

It doesn't matter whether it's a man or a woman, it doesn't matter if it's heterosexual or same sex - it's wrong.

There are many things he could have done with her sexually - to stoke his ego - that he didn’t do.

What?

He can't retain an erectio consistently for penetrative sex, very likely oral sex or "manual sex". He could only perform oral or manual sex on her, whereabouts whereabouts would, as is normal, expect to reciprocate abd havevslme kind of normal two way sexual experience.

But he couldn't trust himself to perform in any normal, two way, reciprocal sexual interaction. She would notice fairly quickly. As I saud, I've been there, abd the difference between the interaction abd what I was used to with functioning mid 20s guys my age was night and day; it became very awkward and embarrassing very fast.

Even if he had some kind of sexual interaction with her (past the kissing abd petting he did do) without that arising (no pun intended), the issue would become obvious sooner or later. She would wonder why he wouldn't repeat it, or why why would not naturally escalate to oral and penetrative sex. The more context with her, the more the issue would crop up.

It was always going to be exposed as an issue. And he probably dud want to humiliate himself full atop.

*didn't want to humiliate himself full stop.

He had as much physical contact with her as he could, without exposing his issue.

He would gave opted for masturbating to her pics, sexting etc if she'd gone along with it.

(Again, no exposure if his issue, and ge could probably have retained an erection long enough to provide a dick pic or two if she'd requested reciprocal pics.

Giving him credit for not having sex with his affair partner, is giving credit where its not due.

Oh come on, he pestered one of his young students for nude photos!

That's hardly just 'not great behaviour' that is sleazy, immoral, cheating behaviour. Before you even get to the part where they did fool around, just didn't have full-on sex.

If you would accept your husband doing that, well ok, but personally I have more self-respect than to accept that in a marriage.