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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair with student

325 replies

yellowdungarees · 12/07/2022 13:18

I received a Facebook message from a woman who claims that she and my husband of 10+ years have been having an emotional affair for the past 3 years. H is a college professor and she is (or was) a mature student. The age gap between them is 28 years which makes me sick to my stomach. He is 56.

This woman has said thing in the message that there is no way she could know about unless he’d told her. Personal things about me, our marriage and (worst of all) our children. She claims that they never slept together but that they were involved emotionally and there was definitely a sexual element to it in that they fancied the pants off of one another and that they had things in common.

I confronted him and he admitted to it (how could he not?!) but stated that she is mentally unwell and that she leaned on him for support so he wanted to help her. But 3 years?! Even after she graduated, they carried on seeing each other. He’s been to her house several times. They’ve been on days out together. She said that he told her that he loved her. He said that she was obsessed with him and the only reason he carried on is because he was afraid that she would kill herself.

I can’t eat or sleep. I can’t take care of our children. What do I do?

OP posts:
chopc · 12/07/2022 14:32

There is no way they didn't have sec

chopc · 12/07/2022 14:32

Sex

Adversity · 12/07/2022 14:42

It was forbidden to have relationships with students where I worked even though they were all 18 plus and would have led if known about to a disciplinary.

Your DH is a professional disgrace as well as a cheat. I am never one to LTB freely but I can’t see a way back from this without it wrecking your head.

She wants to hurt him but it’s sadly hurt you. However getting rid of him is in your best interests. See a solicitor and reach out to friends in real life and on here.

JustKittenAround · 12/07/2022 15:21

Telling you. They’ve had sex and most importantly? He’s not been rocking you in the bedroom has he?

what about YOUR standards? What of your sexual needs and desires?

I swear it’ll make his head spin once you start calling out how he’s not been man enough for you, how he’ll start feeling so sad. His false tears.

Every time he does something now you wanted, attention, gifts, dates, you’ll know he could have done before he was balls deep in his coeds. You’ll know he could have done that to keep an amazing relationship alive but he didn’t.

This is about him being not good enough, and honestly undesirable. Not you. Any man in his position of power could weave some woo. The way he’s done it is so sad and clumsy…ewwwww

Be honest with yourself…, he’s looking less of a prize and more like dog crap on a shoe right?

This clown would risk everything for a bit of fun on the side and then act like you’re truly stupid to not see thru it. Like you’re a simpering dog just wetting the carpet in hopes he should roughly and briefly pat your head.

get mad.

If you accept this he will breathe a sigh of relief, continue to devalue you, play around, and you’ll be lucky on the three times a year he has pity sex with you that he doesn’t leave you with an STI.

yes I have to be real.

there are sexier ways to play cop then to constantly check up on a husband whose heart isn’t yours. There are even better ways to live without giving your valuable love to one so undeserving.

LooseGoose22 · 12/07/2022 16:07

Well he's a cheater who apparently only didnt cheat physically because he has ED.

He's given his affair partner the shit marriage, bitch of a wife, woe is me (but presumably too honourable to leave, with kids involved) lines. Lines older than the pyramid but tried & tested.

His choice of cheating partner/context is highly unprofessional, irresponsible and quite immoral.
He could have (could still?) lose his job, affecting your finances significantly I'd imagine.

His malignant of this young woman as mentally unstable, now she's exposed the affair is almost sinister, it's actually the worst part of it for me. Echoes of centuries of men declaring women (and kids) they've acted I appropriately and exploitative towards as crazy/unstable.

How did his first marriage, with kids involved, break down. Do you think you ever got the true story.

LooseGoose22 · 12/07/2022 16:08

*his maligning

KangarooKenny · 12/07/2022 16:08

You kick his lying arse out the door.

LooseGoose22 · 12/07/2022 16:12

He had an awful lot of contact, messaging, meeting up, and going to her home ... for someone he thinks is mentally unstable, eh.

And if he only discovered she was (bs but anyway..) he had a totally and utterly inappropriate level of contact with her, both professionally and as an attached man, before he did so.

fedup078 · 12/07/2022 16:17

Oh dear
She will no doubt lodge a complaint to his employer next if she was willing to go as far as contact you.
Why did his first marriage end?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 12/07/2022 16:23

Sorry OP . He's not even owing this is he? She was batshit crazy and he was helping her? Nice. That needs addressing regardless of whatever decision you make going forward Flowers

LooseGoose22 · 12/07/2022 16:29

Your daughter with him might adore him but she doesn't know what he's like, she's incapable of comprehending it, she might never fully comprehend it, even as an adult.

You're the adult who makes decisions on a child's behalf, not "she adores him, it'll upset her to split so I have to stay with his cheating, exploitative arse. She can adore him when she's with him half the week.

LooseGoose22 · 12/07/2022 16:33

(Not saying you said the above, you haven't; but I'm just reading between the lines of you saying that your daughter adores him).

poetryandwine · 12/07/2022 16:42

OP,

I am also an academic and reserving judgment as to whether your husband has told you the truth. My perspective is that if he has, he has used his position of authority to abuse this woman’s trust. Every one of us knows the correct procedures for helping students with MH concern. Days out together, to say nothing if the other kinds of personal attention you discuss, do not feature. One of the reasons these procedures exist is to prevent staff with big egos and no MH expertise from attempting to rescue students, then making things worse.

The most innocent explanation is that your husband has done just that. He is old enough to know better. He is either an egotist who has harmed a young(ish) woman as above, or worse and therefore also a liar. See him in this light, then follow your instincts and act in your own best interest. I am very sorry for you as the innocent party and also have a certain amount of sympathy for the other woman in this scenario, who looked up to your husband as an authority figure. The primary responsibility for maintaining the boundary was his.

Leoismybae · 12/07/2022 16:43

Surprise, Surprise. Why did his first marriage end?

LooseGoose22 · 12/07/2022 16:43

She apologised for her part in the affair and said that she was very lonely and that he’s opened up to her about how horrid things at home were for him and that HE contemplated suicide on a frequent basis. This then triggered her past issues and they confided in one another about their apparent mental health struggles. His mental health problems are news to me.

He fed her all the usual lines to depict his marriage as dysfunctional & unhappy, amd himself as a suffering, unhappy hero. That's standard infidelity, I'm not officially available but i am available,essentially.

But it seems like part of it was, intention all or nit, anoit getting her to open up, then mirror/bond over over issues.

Very very manipulative and exploitative.

And of a woman his daughters age, and a student he is in a position of authority and trust over.

Now he's declaring her unstable and suicidal; based on confidences and emotional intimacy he opened up, fostered and encouraged.

As well as essentially the emotional affair he's been having with her for years.

What an utter fkg scum bag.

And a not very long time ago, he'd have gotten away with it v happily too.

LooseGoose22 · 12/07/2022 16:45

*about getting her to open up, then mirror/bond over her/their issues.

LooseGoose22 · 12/07/2022 16:49

*.... One of the reasons these procedures exist is to prevent staff with big egos and no MH expertise from attempting to rescue students, then making things worse.

The most innocent explanation is that your husband has done just that. ....*

How coincidental that the student he's chosen to "help", out of all the students of whom I'm sure a percentage have mh problems .... is a young, beautiful female one!!!

poetryandwine · 12/07/2022 16:59

Indeed, @LooseGoose22 it is odd that anecdotally almost all of the cases that come to one’s attention feature a senior male and an attractive young woman. It defies probability.

On the chance that the OP’s husband is a professor of psychology or similar and does have MH expertise, I will add that as I understand it, it is unethical to treat one’s own students, or to mix personal and professional relationships, unless this really cannot be helped. That would never be true in an educational setting.

Iamsnoopy · 12/07/2022 17:03

Doris899 · 12/07/2022 13:50

He certainly seems to have gone into the excuses mode already.

Her fault, tick.
Mentally unstable, tick,
Worried she would kill herself tick.

What a knight in shining armour he is! Hero coming to her rescue.

What you do about it is down to you. How old are your kids?

Exactly and at no point did he share it with you or the university.


  1. he has abused his position

  2. has he informed the university - I am assuming not

  3. she might not be the only one

  4. he invested in her instead of the children

  5. why isn’t he telling the children - not you!

you deserve much much better

Rogue1001MNer · 12/07/2022 17:16

I think the chances of her contacting his employer are very high, if she hasn't already

QuebecBagnet · 12/07/2022 17:26

She certainly sounds like she’s telling the truth. He’s abused his position however the uni may be very uninterested. Especially as she’s not 18yo, etc.

it would be a deal breaker for me.

LooseGoose22 · 12/07/2022 17:43

even if this women seems nice, she’s an adult (28?) and has willingly participated in this relationship. They’ve both behaved badly and she’s not an exploited teenager.

She's the same age as his daughter from a previous relationship.

He's old enough to be her parent.

She's had mh issues and he's told her (perhaps not even truthfully) that he also has mh issues and contemplated suicide.

She doesn't have to be a teenager to be vulnerable or exploited.

LooseGoose22 · 12/07/2022 17:43

He's also in a position of authority and trust above her.

LooseGoose22 · 12/07/2022 17:47

even if this women seems nice, she’s an adult (28?) and has willingly participated in this relationship. They’ve both behaved badly and she’s not an exploited teenager.

"The age gap between them is 28 years" - in the op's first post.

Headbandheart · 12/07/2022 17:50

yellowdungarees · 12/07/2022 13:47

What do I tell the kids? I can’t believe this is happening. Just last week him and the kids baked a birthday cake for me and we had such a great weekend. How can he lie like this?

You don’t need to tell the kids. In fact do not tell the kids. Even if you decide to split up this is not the business of the kids. His marriage vow was with you not the kids.
if you do end up splitting up you only need to tell them that you have decided you do not want to live together any more and then explain what the plan will be for their lives as a result of this
divorce is now “no blame”. You can’t divorce for adultery even if you had grounds. The courts recognise that the reason you separate is not the issue, it’s how you seperate and what happens after that is important. The same goes with how you talk to your children.
doesn’t matter if they are 5, 15 or 50 - not something they ever need to know. If their DF had run off with the ow, then it would be up to him to tell them and find a reason why he did that . But that’s not your monkey