Affair with student

[yellowdungarees]

I received a Facebook message from a woman who claims that she and my husband of 10+ years have been having an emotional affair for the past 3 years. H is a college professor and she is (or was) a mature student. The age gap between them is 28 years which makes me sick to my stomach. He is 56.

This woman has said thing in the message that there is no way she could know about unless he’d told her. Personal things about me, our marriage and (worst of all) our children. She claims that they never slept together but that they were involved emotionally and there was definitely a sexual element to it in that they fancied the pants off of one another and that they had things in common.

I confronted him and he admitted to it (how could he not?!) but stated that she is mentally unwell and that she leaned on him for support so he wanted to help her. But 3 years?! Even after she graduated, they carried on seeing each other. He’s been to her house several times. They’ve been on days out together. She said that he told her that he loved her. He said that she was obsessed with him and the only reason he carried on is because he was afraid that she would kill herself.

I can’t eat or sleep. I can’t take care of our children. What do I do?

Professors

That’s not how the university will see it. At all. By the DH’s own admission, the student was “mentally unwell”. Would you expect a doctor or therapist to start a relationship with a patient in these circumstances? Anyone who works in a university is fully appraised of where their professional boundaries lie, of how to deal with students who need mental health support, and what the consequences are for them not following these procedures. I line manage academic staff and if one of my team was demanding nude selfies from an unwilling student, I’d not be optimistic about them keeping their job.

Yes, I’m sure you’re much more aware of the consequences and legalities of these situations than the people who have years’ experience in actually dealing with them.

You seem to think that male professors are god-like creatures who can’t ever be at fault. I can tell you that that is very far from the truth.

So shes unhinged is she? And he didn't think anything of their friendship, it didn't mean much to him?

And yet he saw fit not to mention it to you AT ALL.

Oh and to ask her for nude pictures.

I think I know who I would be believing at this point, especially as shes sent you texts of him being so 'disinterested' in her. FFS what is wrong with these men.

I am so so sorry OP, you must be going through hell. I have no advice except find your anger and direct every single bit of it at him.

And when he starts crying (which he will) ignore it completely, and just remember how his actions have made you feel and that he gave not one iota of a shit about that.

@HippoLover yes she is a grown woman but she was also his student. I'm not excusing her at all, as I said they both behaved badly. But he is the one in authority and even if she threw herself at him he should have just made it plain that it wasn't appropriate and that he wasn't interested. But he didn't. He strung her along for three years, no doubt promising her the moon along the way. I really doubt though it was a case of her throwing herself at him. More likely she was in a bad place, he picked up on that and she started confiding in him and then it continued from there. It's a story as old as time. Regardless of how she behaved this is more on him and now he will minimise it and try and get out of it anyway he can.

And I agree with a PP, OP needs to not be in contact with this other woman anymore and make her own decisions about what she wants to do.

She's proven his narrative is lies.

How exactly does asking this "unstable, obsessed, suicidal, mentally unwell" young woman for nude pictures Al with just trying to help her.

And she was reluctant, did not comply.

He's an exploiter, sleaze, creep, and cheater.

As I sad, I actually find his assassination of her character and mental health utterly despicable in the circumstances.

The sort of thing men like him got away with regularly in the past, how very unfortunate he's done through a digital medium or he might have too.

I'm sorry for you, but im glad she kept his messsages of that nature.

*align with just trying to help her

What a bizarre take.

You think in the strangest way.

I tend to think it’s more likely she pursued him OP, these types often do

Holy fucking shite.

A time traveller from 1952.

@GCAcademic

Im not commenting on the legality (or at least the rules within the particular University/college). I am sure you are right it is potentially something you could get in trouble for. I was saying it seems pathetic to me that he could get in trouble from anyone other than his wife - not because he hasn’t been a shitbag - but because it implies that adult women are - and apparently want to be - not though responsible for controlling themselves around professors as their simply so awe inspiring.

It seems like a very Victorian mindset of holding men accountable for womens actions, which is apparently welcomed by some women when it serves them.

@LooseGoose22

Why not? She is the one now reaching out to his wife to punish him, that takes some boldness. Can students (especially mature age) not pursue their professors?

Aside from the significant morality & professional issues around his selection/method of meeting his affair partner

...... the bottom line is he is a cheater who probably would have shagged this woman (the same age as his daughter) if he could rely on his pecker to work consistently.

He is also a liar who tries to make outbhjs affair partner is a delusional, obsessed, mentally unwell, suicidal, unstable and dishonest person whom he just tried to help/was just friendly too.

What a fkg creature.

these types

What types?

What type is op's husband incidentally?

*to, not too

I would believe him. It sounds plausible honestly given that she’s contacted his wife - which definetly didn’t come from good intentions on her part.
That is obsessed and unstable thing to do - and possibly some of what she’s said is dishonest as she obviously is trying to punish him for ending her consensual relationship or whatever it was with him.

@LooseGoose22

The types who will go all out and contact an affair partners spouse with “evidence” as a way of trying to hurt the person they had a willing affair with. Those types. That takes a boldness and cruelty.
A normal person who had an affair would just move on and not try to ruin the other persons life and career.

Therefore it is not difficult to believe if she is capable of doing that she is also capable of pursuing him relentlessly.

What part of 'he pestered her for nude photos which she was reluctant to send' do you have difficulty comprehending

I tend to think it’s more likely she pursued him OP

I wouldn't agree.

However even.she did ... he failed to act how he should have acted, both professionally, and as a married family man. Instead he pursued an affair with her.

Think of it this way - ageing man with ED is pursued relentlessly by a mature age student, because of his problems and perhaps being stuck in a rut, he is flattered physically and intellectually by this and foolishly plays along. Before long the woman confides various problems with him at which point he begins to realise he’s made a mistake - and although he lets it go to long, perhaps because the non physical nature made it seem less real - eventually he ends it. At this point she (predictably) turns nasty and goes full misty on him and tries to ruin him - first by telling his wife and then by telling the college.

She may well have a personality disorder and make up anything at this point. Honestly for OP’s safety I would cut all contact.

25 and at University. Professor takes an interest in her. She likes him and she's 'not one of the children on the course, she's a friend, an equal, a soul mate'.

Then there's the 'I can't leave my wife'. 'Just a bit longer, once the kids are grown and you've graduated' 'we're married in name only', 'we'll have a lovely home and I can have the chance to be a proper dad this time'

And then she's coming up to graduation. It's nearly time when they can be together as he's promised.

He's got the next cohort to take his pick from soon. Best get this one out of the way, make sure she isn't living in the area anymore where she might see him with another 25 year old student. So he dumps her.

I hope she does report this. Because too many men work their way through every set of freshers throughout their career, secure in the knowledge that the perceived risk of failing a course and how well respected they appear to be means that it'll never be mentioned in case it means the qualifications are revoked for the ex students or they are assumed to have slept their way to a First.

@NeverDropYourMooncup

But these “freshers” are willing participants in this. What is their to report? The fact they wanted a relationship with their professor for the precise reason that he was their professor? Are they not responsible for their own actions. Can’t help but think a 28 year old man hitting on his female college professor would be viewed wildly differently and we wouldn’t think of him as some helpless victim (which he wouldn’t be either).

Those "types" have generally been fed a shit tonne of lies, future faked, and manipulated by the attached cheater ..... when they realise their affair is not going to be a Newman, Woodward HEA, they tend to want some justice for being deceived, hurt, misused, discarded etc..... and for people to know what they've done and what they're like.

As it's been said- "the only person not being lied to in an affair is the married man having one".

The married Chester deserves to hsve their behaviour and character exposed.

The spouse does not deserve the pain etc but that is the result of their husband's actions, no ifs, buts, ands or maybes.

I do not subscribe to the "what they don't know won't hurt them, let them live in blissful ignorance" (of key facts about their spouse and so-called marriage). That is utter bullshit.

They're as bad as each other.
You have proof that he was asking for nudes too... it doesn't get much worse. The lack of sex means nothing- he was sneaking around behind your back with another woman. It's enough. He's disloyal, dishonest and can't be trusted.

You do need some time before deciding what to do though. Do what feels right for now, but know what you need to do in the long term... you can never trust him again.

The evidence suggests nothing of the sort.

And I think he may have a personality disorder, so .....

You're either a troll or disturbingly misguided and misogynistic.

I would believe him

He said he just tried to help her, nothing appropriate.

She's shown op his messages asking her for nude pics and sulking when she didn't send him some.

At this point you are either trolling or ..... I can't of a way to phrase ot thatvwint