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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair with student

325 replies

yellowdungarees · 12/07/2022 13:18

I received a Facebook message from a woman who claims that she and my husband of 10+ years have been having an emotional affair for the past 3 years. H is a college professor and she is (or was) a mature student. The age gap between them is 28 years which makes me sick to my stomach. He is 56.

This woman has said thing in the message that there is no way she could know about unless he’d told her. Personal things about me, our marriage and (worst of all) our children. She claims that they never slept together but that they were involved emotionally and there was definitely a sexual element to it in that they fancied the pants off of one another and that they had things in common.

I confronted him and he admitted to it (how could he not?!) but stated that she is mentally unwell and that she leaned on him for support so he wanted to help her. But 3 years?! Even after she graduated, they carried on seeing each other. He’s been to her house several times. They’ve been on days out together. She said that he told her that he loved her. He said that she was obsessed with him and the only reason he carried on is because he was afraid that she would kill herself.

I can’t eat or sleep. I can’t take care of our children. What do I do?

OP posts:
HippoLover · 13/07/2022 09:49

@poetryandwine

To be fair to them from what I saw, the adoration of some young women for their professors doesn’t need much cultivating.

Yes it’s weird and gross but young women being attracted to these kinds of authority figures in learning is extremely common.

WatieKatie · 13/07/2022 12:00

I’m really sorry that you’re going through this OP and unfortunately nothing any of us can say will make it any easier. However you will receive a lot of support and good advice here.

My thoughts:
He’s minimising & she’s very hurt so possibly exaggerating. Somewhere in between is the truth that you’ll probably never get to.

I would cut all contact with her. I question what she is getting out of this other than revenge. Therefore you cannot rely on her version of events. Staying in touch with her simply prolongs your agony.

Is she likely to make a formal complaint?

The relationship sounds like a full blown affair. Would he have slept with her if it wasn’t for the ED?

Don’t make any rash decisions. This is a massive shock and it will take time for you to settle.

Hold on to the fact that things will get better.

dreamingbohemian · 13/07/2022 12:17

Where did you leave things with him OP? It sounds like he's getting you back on side.

PLEASE do not believe his nonsense about 'just trying to help her'. Universities these days have extensive support services for students, especially since Covid, and it would have been extremely easy for him to bring them in to help this student.

I'm an academic, I do a lot of pastoral care, and I cannot overstate how much he has crossed a million lines here, which he would have absolutely known he was doing.

CambsAlways · 13/07/2022 12:27

He’s bloody humiliated you op, telling her intimate things about your marriage, things about your children, I would not be engaging with her, after the first conversation , why would you! I’d have his sorry arse out the door bags packed the lot, him saying she’s unhinged yeh course she is, she’s this she’s that, come on it’s a two way thing! Both equally to blame, A 28 year old person knows what they are doing Jeez! My heart goes out to you and your children op! You deserve so much more!

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 13/07/2022 12:37

I'd tell her does she know he has called her mentally unstable, said she would kill herself etc. See if she will then give you the actual truth after finding out what he has said in his 'defence'.

alinco · 13/07/2022 14:41

AmIWrongAgain · 13/07/2022 09:03

Sounds like the only reason it wasn’t physical is because he can’t get it up. If he could then they would no doubt have been having sex with her too. And then to say it was so that he didn’t wreck your marriage…! He probably told her the same, kissing her and touching her knowing full well if it went any further she would be disappointed and know he couldn’t perform, and then possibly end it with him, so he threw her the “I can’t wreck my marriage but I can kiss you and touch you and spend whole days with you” line rather than admitting he has ED! He’s still lying to you now, you’ll probably never know the full story. I’m sorry this is happening x

This.

And, I'm unclear as to why the student's culpability is relevant. No one's saying anything was nonconsensual, and either way it's clear he knowingly abused his trusted position of educator, lied and likely continues to, at bare minimum.

OP, it sounds like you're going to let this one slide. If you do I wish you both the best, but be prepared for the frustration to grow. I hope we're all wrong, and it is possible. As an educator myself, I have had colleagues who have done this sort of thing, and never have I witnessed to be a one-time "slip-up". What he's done here speaks most loudly about who he is at the core, irrespective of the fine print details of their affair, whether or not she has MH issues, etc. He lacks any semblance of integrity, which for me (and It seems 95% of others here) would be a deal breaker.

LooseGoose22 · 13/07/2022 15:16

yellowdungarees · 13/07/2022 08:17

And yes I completely agree that at 28 she knew what she was getting involved with, and that she’s far from innocent here.

But is she 28 now?

And this has been going on for 3 years - so 25?

Is the brain not still maturing til 24.

She was a young adult.

He's old enough to be her father, he has a daughter her age.

It is not an equal interaction in terms of life experience, judgement, wisdom, self awareness, maturity "management" etc.

He's also been very manipulative "matching" her mental health history- which you say you'd never heard a word about.

As the most reddit poster saud - integrity, not even once.

He's a rotten person.

LooseGoose22 · 13/07/2022 15:17

*most recent poster

LooseGoose22 · 13/07/2022 15:23

In any case, I agree her culpability I'd pretty irrelevant... he's essentially a cheater, he's deeply unprofessional, he's disloyal, he's indiscrete, he's foolish, highly immature, lacking integrity .... and he doesn't even offer you a satisfactory sex life.

He also apparently has significant mental health problems he hides from you (or lied about them to bond with and forge an inappropriate relationship with a young woman).

LooseGoose22 · 13/07/2022 15:30

As an educator myself, I have had colleagues who have done this sort of thing, and never have I witnessed to be a one-time "slip-up".

Op has said shes always felt he appreciates the attention etc of his younger female students too much.

He's a creep.

If viagra worked for him, he's probably have escalated to sex with her as well.

I also find his pillioring of her mental health, now he's been exposed, quite sinister and despicable.

She was ok to mess with (completely inappropriately both professionally and for a married man) for 3 yrs, but now she's blabbed, she's mental, unstable & suicidal.

It's an old, time tested technique of cheaters and abusers.

He's not a good one, op.

LooseGoose22 · 13/07/2022 15:39

Has she kept any relevant messages between them; I have a feeling if you them, you would not be keeping him.

(Of course the head in the sand, focus on the affair partner brigade will say to cut all contact & never interact with her again.
Wouldn't want to face any inconvenient reality).

LooseGoose22 · 13/07/2022 15:40

*If you read them

GCAcademic · 13/07/2022 15:51

I'm an academic, I do a lot of pastoral care, and I cannot overstate how much he has crossed a million lines here, which he would have absolutely known he was doing.

Yes, very much this. There is no way he was “just trying to help her”. That absolutely wouldn’t wash with a disciplinary panel, either.

And a previous poster is absolutely correct that this won’t be the first time he’s done this. There’s a certain kind of male academic that habitually behaves like this. It’s never just a one off.

Original poster
yellowdungarees · 13/07/2022 15:51

She’s sent screenshots of him requesting nudes, and her being reluctant. He was sulking that she said no, and

OP posts:
GCAcademic · 13/07/2022 15:58

yellowdungarees · 13/07/2022 15:51

She’s sent screenshots of him requesting nudes, and her being reluctant. He was sulking that she said no, and

Urgh. You realise that there’s a high chance that she’s going to complain to the university? As you’re using the term “college professor “, I’m assuming you’re not in the U.K., but some U.K. universities have moved, in the last couple of years, to forbid relationships between staff and students. Even before this policy came into effect, someone at my university was sacked for having a relationship with a student with poor mental health, as he was deemed to have exploited her vulnerability.

Dozycuntlaters · 13/07/2022 16:02

He's a shitbag OP, and a lying one at that. He is minimising it and quite frankly the way he says it didn't mean anything to him....are you not angry that he has fucked up your marriage for something that apparently meant nothing?

Where is your anger? You are preparing yourself to sweep this under the carpet, pin it all on her and just get on with life? How will that work? You have had some communication with her, does she sound un-hinged? I am betting that she isn't. Yes she behaved badly as did he but at the end of the day he was the one in authority, he is the one who has behaved completely unprofessionally. Aren't you mad that he told her things were awful at home? Where they? I'm betting they weren't and he is just rewriting history to justify what he's done. basically, he fancied her, and his brain went down to his dick and he got his ego stroked. What a truly pathetic man.

HippoLover · 13/07/2022 16:07

I tend to think it’s more likely she pursued him OP, these types often do, but now is spinning it as though she’s the victim of something - which she’s not - and so is totally justified in trying to punish him for discontinuing the emotional relationship/ego stroke, through you.

whatever you do I don’t think allowing her to control the way you feel is a good idea. You know what happened basically, there is no reason to think a woman who obviously wants to hurt your husband will be fully truthful about anything - in fact you should assume the opposite.

GCAcademic · 13/07/2022 16:14

I tend to think it’s more likely she pursued him OP, these types often do

Its possible she did pursue him, but ultimately he is the one with professional and marital responsibilities and — given that he is presumably an intelligent and articulate person — the ability to say no.

Dozycuntlaters · 13/07/2022 16:14

@HippoLover so what if she did persue him, he is the married one? And yes she is a victim in a way. He DH has admitted she is mentally at a low ebb and he has strung her along for three years, told her he loves her, told her things are awful at home, no doubt told her he wanted to be with her and would be once the kids were older. I imagine she is more truthful than the OP's DH, he is going to minimise everything and make it look like he was just trying to be kind (what an absolute crock of shit) and once the dust has settled no doubt he will find some other venerable young lady to pray on.

GCAcademic · 13/07/2022 16:21

he is going to minimise everything and make it look like he was just trying to be kind (what an absolute crock of shit) and once the dust has settled no doubt he will find some other venerable young lady to pray on.

I wouldn’t be too sure about this. Universities are really starting to crack down on this kind of behaviour now. And the “just being kind” excuse is hardly going to wash when she has screenshots of him demanding nude selfies, especially when her response shows that these requests were not welcome.

greatblueheron · 13/07/2022 16:22

He's shown himself to be untrustworthy and frankly, quite disgusting. He continued to pursue/enjoyed the pursuit of what he's claiming to be a mentally unstable student of his. What a prince to take advantage of someone he claims to be mentally unwell AND someone he is above in the hierarchy of schools.

Foul.

You'll have to decide if you can still look at him, let alone live with him. This is who he is.

dreamingbohemian · 13/07/2022 16:39

yellowdungarees · 13/07/2022 15:51

She’s sent screenshots of him requesting nudes, and her being reluctant. He was sulking that she said no, and

Fucking hell. If she sends that to his employer, his career is over, and it should be.

OP I'm sorry but you're married to a horrible person. Who you don't even have a sexual relationship with anymore. I don't know why you'd want to live your life this way.

Cameleongirl · 13/07/2022 16:53

@LooseGoose22 @Dozycuntlaters
I think most posters aren't trying to minimize his culpability, he's definitely the more culpable person, but my motivation in advising the OP to be wary of the woman is that she (the OP) seems like a very nice, sympathetic person and in her early posts, she sounds sympathetic towards the woman - and I don't think this is a good idea, she needs to protect herself from them both, tbh.

I’ve exchanged quite a few messages with this woman, who seems very likeable and intelligent, and very beautiful judging by her profile picture.

A three-year affair with a married man isn't a mistake made during a vulnerable period in your life, that would peter out as soon as you realize that it's not the right thing to do. They've had a three-year relationship and the woman has only decided to tell the OP now that she's upset or angry with the husband for whatever reason. The OP should definitely cut contact with her now the truth is out.

HippoLover · 13/07/2022 17:04

@Dozycuntlaters

Shes not a victim she’s a grown woman. Or are grown women really so awesomely impressed by ageing college professors they simply can’t help but throw themselves at them?

HippoLover · 13/07/2022 17:06

@GCAcademic

Honestly universities cracking down on this kind of thing is really rather pathetic to me. Like they’re saying that adult women aren’t responsible for acting on their own desires because professes are just so impressive they can’t control themselves - so the professes must be punished for it. And apparently women are agreeing.

How sad and pathetic.