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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Affair with student

325 replies

yellowdungarees · 12/07/2022 13:18

I received a Facebook message from a woman who claims that she and my husband of 10+ years have been having an emotional affair for the past 3 years. H is a college professor and she is (or was) a mature student. The age gap between them is 28 years which makes me sick to my stomach. He is 56.

This woman has said thing in the message that there is no way she could know about unless he’d told her. Personal things about me, our marriage and (worst of all) our children. She claims that they never slept together but that they were involved emotionally and there was definitely a sexual element to it in that they fancied the pants off of one another and that they had things in common.

I confronted him and he admitted to it (how could he not?!) but stated that she is mentally unwell and that she leaned on him for support so he wanted to help her. But 3 years?! Even after she graduated, they carried on seeing each other. He’s been to her house several times. They’ve been on days out together. She said that he told her that he loved her. He said that she was obsessed with him and the only reason he carried on is because he was afraid that she would kill herself.

I can’t eat or sleep. I can’t take care of our children. What do I do?

OP posts:

LooseGoose22 · 15/07/2022 08:53

*kissing

LooseGoose22 · 15/07/2022 08:56

and I hate her for sending these messages to you

Why?

Op wouldn't know otherwise.

And she only sent information to prove she wasn't lying or delusional (as painted by her ex affair partner). Op herself said this girl was reluctant to say what personal things he said about Op.

wellhelloitsme · 15/07/2022 08:59

Muggysue · 15/07/2022 05:18

@Iamsnoopy

Its possible he didn’t know how unwell she was till later, it’s not like everyone with a personality disorder is obviously unwell all the time. That’s hardly a rare reason for breaking off a relationship with someone. Also if you haven’t before encountered someone with a personality disorder even if you are aware of it, they may well downplay it to you until they do something that makes you think Woah!

Also how “unwell” does one have to be before they lose personal responsibility? Obviously she’s well enough to function in the world and go to uni, does that mean no one can ever ask her anything because she’s not capable of free choice? Think of all the people with depression and various other mental illness who go about life normally - are they to be treated as though they can’t make any choices and steered clear of lest asking them something twice is construed as abuse on this account?

I honestly believe him and think he’s a foolish but good man who has made a minor mistake and is about to pay in a major way.

Did she fake all the highly personal information she knew about op's family, home life etc. too. The stuff op said only he could have told her.

What this poster said. She correctly guessed all that info and put it into fake messages did she?

LooseGoose22 · 15/07/2022 09:05

Oh and the other reason I don't subscribe to the "faked messages" BS theoet is that this young woman is probably aware that exposing him like this could lead to him (or op & Jim, if she were like some women on this thread) going after her, trying to report her to the police for harassment/defamation/whatever ....

she'd be highly unlikely to take that risk if her messages were faked, and could be proven so by eg police IT/comms forensics.

LooseGoose22 · 15/07/2022 09:13

he’s got ED . This will explain why he gets off all the emotional and sex messaging . Makes
him feel like a virile man again . It’s all a fantasy

Was snogging her, touching her body over clothes,going to her home, asking to meet her child just a fantasy too. It appears he was there in real time for those, unless he has a hologram.

You also seem to be implying that a man having erectile dysfunction is an excuse for him sexting, exchanging nude pics etc with another woman.

SkeletonFight · 15/07/2022 09:16

So many times you see on here many women saying they would rather know if their H was having an affair yet here we have people saying the OW is wrong for telling. Or are you supposed to rely on your H's version of it? Anyone who says not to be interested in OW's messages cannot have been betrayed in this manner - yes they can be outlandish but usually there are dates etc which brings some sort of sense to the wife's mind which she might need in the absence of any other info.

LooseGoose22 · 15/07/2022 09:16

Fwiw I thi know he'd have escalated to sex acts with her too, if he hadn't wanted to not expose/reveal his erectile dysfunction.

Which could be humiliating for any man, let alone one schmoozing a 28 yrs younger, very good looking woman who looks up to him as a uni lecturer.

SkeletonFight · 15/07/2022 09:18

beenwhereyouare · 14/07/2022 16:47

266 total posts
12 posts by the OP@yellowdungarees
102 posts by a single user
# of posts that quote/reply to that 1 person- more than I care to count

And she's not the only one, by far. The bickering between a relatively small group of people has taken over.

@yellowdungarees opened this thread for support and advice in Relationships. If she'd wanted to start a debate she'd have posted in Feminism/Women's Rights.

Everyone has thoughts and opinions on who's at fault and whether this is LTB-worthy. It's okay to share those, but then MOVE ON or take your disagreements to private messages, or even better, start a thread in another area. It's a subject worth discussion, but not to the detriment of the woman who needs support in her own life.

Please focus on Yellow Dungarees and leave the Great Debate for a more appropriate setting.

@yellowdungarees I hope you come back. MN is here to support you. Some of us just have very strong opinions.

Well said.

brookstar · 15/07/2022 09:27

I honestly believe him and think he’s a foolish but good man who has made a minor mistake and is about to pay in a major way.

Minor mistake???? This man is supposed to be intelligent. I'm an academic and you have to be spectacularly ignorant not to realise that what he was doing is wrong and that universities are working on clamping down on this sort of behaviour.

Would you forgive your husband for this? I certainly wouldn't .

Bookworm20 · 15/07/2022 09:48

OMG, that is horrific. Hope you have now found your angry OP.

Kick his arse out, this is one time I will actually say you need to LTB.

He hasn't made a 'mistake'. Hes a downright worthless piece of shit.

In fact I'd not even bother hearing anything else he has to say.

LooseGoose22 · 15/07/2022 10:03

He’s denied it all - said that she’s faked the messages.

Tell him shes sending you copies of all the messages and you've found an IT /Communications Forensics company who will find out, without a shadow of a doubt, which number/sim etc those messages came from.

Tell him (lie) you'll give him one chance to finally be honest about them but divorce is certain if he's found to be lying we the company have done their work.

I would bet a significant amount of money he admits he's lying.

He'll only insist it's the truth if he thinks you're bluffing (or is the sort of person who's still denying they did a crime they've been convicted for with v strong evidence, while in prison; there are some people like that out there too).

IdisagreeMrHochhauser · 15/07/2022 10:05

This thread is bizarre. I don't think the OW is unhinged, it's the poster who is trying to make this all about them.

She was 25 when it started. 25 is very young. He was 53. He was in a position of authority and crossed professional boundaries.

I've had a relationship with an older man with ED. There's plenty of sexual activity that can happen that isn't penetrative. This has been an emotional and physical affair.

I'm so sorry OP. You will heal from this in time and I'm sorry he's treated you so badly.

LooseGoose22 · 15/07/2022 10:05

That's if you could even be bothered; the odds are I unlikely in the extreme any messages are fake.

JustKittenAround · 15/07/2022 10:07

His ED is something you have to endure out of love for him. Screw that now lol.

You are too young to be saddled with a cheating limp doodle and trust me physically sexual things did happen.

Even if they didn’t he would have if he could.

Leave him to do as he will. You being the young wife only gives him some vigor cred he has no right to.

ewwwww…. I mean how gross! He’s not been committed to you…. His ED is just… dare I say it? Hard pass.

emlutomsmum · 15/07/2022 13:04

My new (10 months) partner is a senior lecturer and often has a number of mature students each year trying to obtain his attentions. He had one about a month ago that cried wolf about her Msc course so my OH met her over lunch to which he quickly found out it was a rouse to try and get him to book into the local hotel - he even told her that he was seeing me. OH knows the rules and has kicked her into the long grass. Any kind of Lecturer/Student relationship is forbidden and he knew the rules when he was teaching. I'm so sorry you are going trough this level of betrayal .

Smile34 · 15/07/2022 15:39

OP you deserve so much better than this. The fact that this has been going on for 3 years says it all. Yes, you can think about the time he baked you a lovely cake with the children or surprised you with a gift but this was all going on in the background.

I'd say speak to her and find out exactly what happened, she might divulge more than she meant to. I think you'll have a very clear idea of what to do.

It sounds like they were in an actual relationship and although they didn't sleep together (sceptical about) it's still emotional. Please take a step back and think about YOU!

I agree with the others, he sounds like a complete arsehole who wouldn't have ever said anything hadn't she messaged you.

poetryandwine · 15/07/2022 18:52

Hi, @yellowdungarees -

Your husband’s phone company will have a record of all texts your husband has sent, and be able to access a copy of the texts. However if he has been using certain applications such as iMessaging or WhatsApp, the texts are what is called ‘end to end encrypted’, which means that copies retrieved by the company cannot be read.
How much of a techie is your husband - is he likely to know about the encryption?

I am asking because if the woman faked the texts requesting nudes, which could probably get him fired, she has done something very serious. One suggestion is that if your husband is serious you should say that he should ask the phone company for a list of his texts so you can see them and if necessary this should go through the law.(You might want to consult a solicitor first.) His reaction would tell you a lot.

But I mention this only in case you are on the fence, and it might help you decide. I am very glad he is out of the house and hope it is permanent. I don’t think you need evidence. Best wishes

Thisisworsethananticpated · 16/07/2022 08:15

LooseGoose22

i think her husband is an utter cunt
ive made that clear
utter utter piece of shit
can’t get it up and has a sordid sexting affair , abuses his position , and has hurt OP awfully

but I also think the ow and her frankness is hurting op immensely

in the unlikely event I cheated with a married man
I’d never be cruel enough to share intimate messages with his wife !
its horrible , one screenshot would be enough
id have some empathy

Thisisworsethananticpated · 16/07/2022 08:16

And those messages are not fake
that’s an unhelpful rabbit hole

he did what he did

end of

greatblueheron · 16/07/2022 11:34

Robin233 · 14/07/2022 19:38

Well done for blocking her.
She shouldn't have told you - it wasn't kind.
I still maintain this was revenge on her part.
Also he was just feeding her a line - my wife doesn't understand me etc.
obviously a woman is still attractive over 40 - some are just hitting their prime.
You have a lot to think about.
Keep communication open - either way - you may split - you may work it out. But hand hold.

I disagree. She's done you a favour.

He's lied to you and is still lying to you.

This is who he is.

This is who he really is!

Don't let him come back.

billy1966 · 16/07/2022 12:01

Thisisworsethananticpated · 16/07/2022 08:16

And those messages are not fake
that’s an unhelpful rabbit hole

he did what he did

end of

Completely agree.

He did this.

He is a sleaze who is Completely inappropriate.

I hope the OP is not fobbed off and realises she is with an utter slime bag.

If he was reported, I wonder what else would come out.

Pkwio · 16/07/2022 12:32

Oh OP I know how hard this all is.

What he's done would be unforgiveable for.

What a shitty man. So sorry.

LooseGoose22 · 16/07/2022 20:34

I’d never be cruel enough to share intimate messages with his wife!

She is giving hus wife proof.

She is giving her proof of the length, range, intimacy, nature etc of the affair.

Moreover it sounds like op has asked for info she was reluctant to gjve because she was personal to op.

One msg would not give a full or accurate picture.

Her less ages have also incidentally revealed almost coercive behaviour by that is equally relevant to Ops opinion of her husband.

Stop with this rubbish about the ow.

LooseGoose22 · 16/07/2022 20:35

*her messages

MightyMiss · 16/07/2022 20:50

There are many women out there whose husbands are cheating but they just don't know. It is very difficult to shatter someone's reality or rather "pretend reality" and so these men just carry on lying to wives and still messaging when they are drunk or horny or bored. Most women walk away from a situation like that - when you roll with pigs you get mucky.

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