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Original poster

Affair with student

325 replies

yellowdungarees · 12/07/2022 13:18

I received a Facebook message from a woman who claims that she and my husband of 10+ years have been having an emotional affair for the past 3 years. H is a college professor and she is (or was) a mature student. The age gap between them is 28 years which makes me sick to my stomach. He is 56.

This woman has said thing in the message that there is no way she could know about unless he’d told her. Personal things about me, our marriage and (worst of all) our children. She claims that they never slept together but that they were involved emotionally and there was definitely a sexual element to it in that they fancied the pants off of one another and that they had things in common.

I confronted him and he admitted to it (how could he not?!) but stated that she is mentally unwell and that she leaned on him for support so he wanted to help her. But 3 years?! Even after she graduated, they carried on seeing each other. He’s been to her house several times. They’ve been on days out together. She said that he told her that he loved her. He said that she was obsessed with him and the only reason he carried on is because he was afraid that she would kill herself.

I can’t eat or sleep. I can’t take care of our children. What do I do?

OP posts:
MarshaMelrose · 12/07/2022 17:53

I have some sympathy with him because some students do seem to need lots of support and because you're seeing them more, either to give extra academic support or pastoral issues, it's easy to casually mention bits about your private life. But if anyone came to have an over-reliance on me, which seems the case her, I'd be looking to pass onto someone else because, honestly, the student's welfare is not being well served. The job is to get them to be more independent and self-sufficient, not maintain or increase their dependence.
So I can see how it started, but not how he has allowed it to continue. Which would make me question his motives.
Why has this woman contacted you? What does she want?

LooseGoose22 · 12/07/2022 18:06

But if anyone came to have an over-reliance on me, which seems the case her

Lol, he overshared and tbh groomed her.

And op already told you what she wants- to let his wife know how he's acted, now he's essentially dumped her and she's realised what this "relationship" has really been.

LooseGoose22 · 12/07/2022 18:09

"The age gap between them is 28 years" - in the op's first post.

Just to clarify, she is both 28 yrs younger than him, and 28.

28 may not be a teenager, but it is stil a relatively young person.. and he's been acting j appropriately with and towards her for 3 yrs, so from 25 yrs old.

There is a vast difference between the life experience, outlook, maturity etc of someone who's heading for 60 and someone who's mid 20s.

Not to mention his position at the university.

Original poster
yellowdungarees · 12/07/2022 18:11

She says that she hasn’t contacted me because she wants him (she appears to detest him nearly as much as I do right now). Her reason was that if she was in my shoes, she would want to know the truth. I’m glad she’s told me, despite feeling like my life has been shattered into a million pieces.

His last marriage ended because his wife left him for another woman. I have to admit that I’ve always had concerns in the back of my mind that he enjoys the attention of young females that he teaches. I think he’s had his “favourites” in the past but this woman has clearly stood out for him.

I’ve left him with the kids while I go out for a run to try and clear my head. I want to chat with him tonight to get all the facts and details and see how they compare to the ones that she has given me. At this point, though, I don’t see why she would make it up. If she wanted to screw him over for the sake of it then surely she’d tell me if they had had sex? It almost feels more hurtful that it was emotional rather than physical 😩

OP posts:
ChimneyPot · 12/07/2022 18:39

Where did you think he was all the times he was with her, times he spent the day with her?

QuebecBagnet · 12/07/2022 19:04

ChimneyPot · 12/07/2022 18:39

Where did you think he was all the times he was with her, times he spent the day with her?

I’m assuming at work? Senior university academics are quite autonomous and there’s no need to physically be at work. So he could have had some days annual leave and not told the OP. He could have had some days where he was supposed to be at work, work assume he’s working from home but actually he’s out with her/seeing her in work time. My boss doesn’t know where I am from one week to the next, I may well be down the gym in “work time” as long as my work gets done I can have that flexibility.

LooseGoose22 · 12/07/2022 19:05

So you've tolerated/bore with an almost nonexistent sex life due to his ED, and this is the thanks (and loyalty) he rewards you with.

LooseGoose22 · 12/07/2022 19:07

I have to admit that I’ve always had concerns in the back of my mind that he enjoys the attention of young females that he teaches. I think he’s had his “favourites” in the past but this woman has clearly stood out for him.

Perhaps she has been the most vulnerable/groomable. She seems to have had mh issues, she must have mentioned having felt suicidal at times (whch he is now using to malign her).

Anyway, your feeling/instinct has been proven wholly correct.

LooseGoose22 · 12/07/2022 19:09

And I always find, when something like this happens, there have been several test runs/not dissimilar situations. It's rarely first time, out of the blue.

LooseGoose22 · 12/07/2022 19:12

get all the facts and details and see how they compare to the ones

You've already said she knows lots of stuff only he could have told her.

Does she have any messages/emails emails she hasn't deleted from him yet?

Cameleongirl · 12/07/2022 21:41

LooseGoose22 · 12/07/2022 17:43

even if this women seems nice, she’s an adult (28?) and has willingly participated in this relationship. They’ve both behaved badly and she’s not an exploited teenager.

She's the same age as his daughter from a previous relationship.

He's old enough to be her parent.

She's had mh issues and he's told her (perhaps not even truthfully) that he also has mh issues and contemplated suicide.

She doesn't have to be a teenager to be vulnerable or exploited.

@LooseGoose22 I agree that she doesn’t have to be a teenager to be exploited or vulnerable, my point is more that the OP should remain wary of this woman and her apologies. The OP only knows what she’s chosen to tell her and legally she’s been a consenting adult during the relationship. Both the husband and the student could turn out to have been lying about how the relationship came about, etc.

Cameleongirl · 12/07/2022 21:50

The husband is a complete creep, of course. Don’t trust either of them, OP.

Jewel7 · 12/07/2022 22:03

I have been in a similar situation but it didn’t go on for long. I think you are shocked and need time. I would ask him to distance himself. He will probably lie. I would advise you to journal your feelings and get counselling for yourself. Maybe if you care ask him to go to counselling separately. I think these things happen when marriages get a bit mundane. Not that I’m normalising it! I was hurt and fuming tbh. But I can see now that marriage can be a long slog. Good luck with whatever you do next. But take time to get your head round it. If he has kissed her etc it sounds more than just emotional. I would stop communicating with her though.

alinco · 13/07/2022 06:58

yellowdungarees · 12/07/2022 18:11

She says that she hasn’t contacted me because she wants him (she appears to detest him nearly as much as I do right now). Her reason was that if she was in my shoes, she would want to know the truth. I’m glad she’s told me, despite feeling like my life has been shattered into a million pieces.

His last marriage ended because his wife left him for another woman. I have to admit that I’ve always had concerns in the back of my mind that he enjoys the attention of young females that he teaches. I think he’s had his “favourites” in the past but this woman has clearly stood out for him.

I’ve left him with the kids while I go out for a run to try and clear my head. I want to chat with him tonight to get all the facts and details and see how they compare to the ones that she has given me. At this point, though, I don’t see why she would make it up. If she wanted to screw him over for the sake of it then surely she’d tell me if they had had sex? It almost feels more hurtful that it was emotional rather than physical 😩

She hasn't contacted you because she wants him, yet appears to detest him? Not sure I'm reading that correctly.

Anyway, how did the facts he gave you stack up against what she's said?

HippoLover · 13/07/2022 07:11

LooseGoose22 · 12/07/2022 17:43

He's also in a position of authority and trust above her.

@LooseGoose22

She was a mature age student and he was a professor- let’s not act like he was her high school teacher or he’s a head of state and she’s his secretary.

If a mature age person is that incredibly impressed by the awesome authority of a college professor that they simply can’t say no or stop themselves from coming onto them, then that is truly pathetic and it must be hard for them to function in the world at all.

HippoLover · 13/07/2022 07:17

I think it is possible to work through this. For whatever reason some women do tend to go for their college professor (although the current trend is to make them look helpless in this which they aren’t at all). Perhaps it’s an attraction to the position of wisdom and authority - which ironically is exactly what they will say made them actually a victim rather than an equal partner - or even instigator - of a relationship.

This doesn’t sound like it went that far and your husband does sound like he’s aware of the mistake he made in entertaining this woman. Marriage and life is long and if your husband is an academic he has probably had women like this hitnon him from time to time, if this is a one off I don’t think it should end a marriage.

I think your husband was probably flattered by the attention and let this get further than it should. Perhaps realising that this woman is disturbed enough to contact you will make him see what a huge mistake he made lol.

As for this woman, cut contact, any one who contacts their affair partners spouse has mental problems and mental a possibly unstable.

HippoLover · 13/07/2022 07:19

I can only laugh at those who believe 28 is simply too young to know what one is doing it be able to control oneselves around almighty college professors. Cmon now.

TooHotToTangoToo · 13/07/2022 07:21

So sorry this has happened to you op. I went through this with my now, ex dh. He swore blind it was emotional only, I forgave him and we tried to move on, but it never did add up, I found out further down the line it had also been physical. I had to go through all the emotions twice!

The attached meme seems very apt for you too.

Affair with student
Original poster
yellowdungarees · 13/07/2022 08:16

We talked and he revealed that he had feelings for her in the beginning but he didn’t act on it sexually because he didn’t want to wreck our marriage 🙄. He said that he found her attractive but that all the advances and kissing etc were instigated by her.

He thinks that she’s unhinged and therefore exaggerating what they had, because to him it didn’t mean much at all. He stayed friends with her because she was lonely and had little support in her life.

w

OP posts:
Original poster
yellowdungarees · 13/07/2022 08:17

And yes I completely agree that at 28 she knew what she was getting involved with, and that she’s far from innocent here.

OP posts:
PinkButtercups · 13/07/2022 08:22

Of course she's unhinged. Just as unhinged as him right?

He's a lying cheating 💩 head. The woman is just as bad. Maybe they're more suited than you think!

Sorry to be blunt but they will always say the other one is mentally unwell so they had to xyz.. BS.
They knew what they were doing and you're worth so much more.

HippoLover · 13/07/2022 08:44

@PinkButtercups

Perhaps it was physical perhaps not, but nonetheless the person who feels the need to reveal a consensual affair to a spouse of an affair partner definetly shows signs of being unhinged. I really find it hard to believe that she (or anyone) thought the wronged partner “deserved to know”. More likely they either want to split up the marriage or get revenge on the person who ended the affair (or whatever it is).

This guys story is plausible to me given the woman’s beahviour in contacting his wife.

AmIWrongAgain · 13/07/2022 09:03

Sounds like the only reason it wasn’t physical is because he can’t get it up. If he could then they would no doubt have been having sex with her too. And then to say it was so that he didn’t wreck your marriage…! He probably told her the same, kissing her and touching her knowing full well if it went any further she would be disappointed and know he couldn’t perform, and then possibly end it with him, so he threw her the “I can’t wreck my marriage but I can kiss you and touch you and spend whole days with you” line rather than admitting he has ED! He’s still lying to you now, you’ll probably never know the full story. I’m sorry this is happening x

007DoubleOSeven · 13/07/2022 09:07

stated that she is mentally unwell and that she leaned on him for support so he wanted to help her.

That old chestnut 🙄

I'm sorry, op Flowers

When someone slowly admits to more than they originally did like he has done, well I'm inclined to believe that there's still more to confess to. Its like an onion and the peeling back of lies; he's still trying to control the narrative and doesn't want to admit to more than he is forced to. Whether this is simply because he wants to save his marriage I don't know, but in your shoes I'd be very suspicious until he gives you the whole truth.

I think you need to reign in contact with her, it won't do any good and you need to focus on him.

The question for him is if it's been so innocent why's he hidden it?

Perhaps it did mean more to her but that doesn't mean it didn't go as far as she says.

Beware of any man trotting out the Psycho Ex trope - its a cover for lies and failure to take responsibility.

poetryandwine · 13/07/2022 09:08

I agree the woman is not innocent. Nevertheless at minimum OP ‘s husband persisted in his rescue mission in the face of her physical advances and his own sexual feelings (if he is now to be believed). His violation of the professional and marital boundary is the main issue here. It sounds like he is still failing to acknowledge this. For me that would be a dealbreaker.

Most women in HE have a colleague or two who cultivate the adoration of young women. These guys give me a serious ick, and have since I was an undergraduate. So that may be informing my views!

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