Page 12 | Affair with student

yellowdungarees · 2022-07-12T12:18:51+00:00

I received a Facebook message from a woman who claims that she and my husband of 10+ years have been having an emotional affair for the past 3 years. H is a college professor and she is (or was) a mature student. The age gap between them is 28 years which makes me sick to my stomach. He is 56. This woman has said thing in the message that there is no way she could know about unless he’d told her. Personal things about me, our marriage and (worst of all) our children. She claims that they never slept together but that they were involved emotionally and there was definitely a sexual element to it in that they fancied the pants off of one another and that they had things in common. I confronted him and he admitted to it (how could he not?!) but stated that she is mentally unwell and that she leaned on him for support so he wanted to help her. But 3 years?! Even after she graduated, they carried on seeing each other. He’s been to her house several times. They’ve been on days out together. She said that he told her that he loved her. He said that she was obsessed with him and the only reason he carried on is because he was afraid that she would kill herself. I can’t eat or sleep. I can’t take care of our children. What do I do?

wellhelloitsme · 14/07/2022 18:44

@goldfinchonthelawn

I remember a friend admitting to me after he had an emotional affair, that after decades in a marriage it was just wonderful to spend time with someone who hadn't heard all his stories before so found them funny, who wasn't bored by his opinions on life but wanted to discuss them.

Did your friend pressure his affair partner to send explicit pictures when she didn't want to?

That's one of the things that would really affect my decision personally of what to do next.

I would immediately walk away from someone who pressured someone else to do something sexual that they were uncomfortable with to the point of calling them "all talk" and sulking, repeatedly, until they got the sexual gratification they wanted.

Decent, nice people simply don't do that.

And I think OP deserves to be with a decent, nice person or to be single rather than staying with someone who isn't those things.

Original poster

yellowdungarees · 14/07/2022 19:21

He called me in tears today begging me for forgiveness. He admitted that he was flattered by the attention of a younger woman and that, before he realised how mentally unwell she was, he fell for the thrill of it because she showed him so much interest. Apparently he wasn’t interested in the sexual side of things, and was more interested in the conversations that they had, and the fact that she made him feel young again🙄

Meanwhile, more screenshots emerged… and this was the final stab in the back. I asked her what he’d said about me and she didn’t want to say. I asked him and he said that he rarely mentioned me at all. He said to her that there’s nothing attractive about a woman after she reaches 40 and that he no longer finds me sexually attractive. At this point I’ve stopped contact with her and blocked her profile. It’s not her fault - I insisted. He’s denied it all - said that she’s faked the messages.

He’s also ticked the other boxes that match the cliché, saying that the marriage would be dead if it wasn’t for the kids. He even invited her to our home, but she declined. He was also keen to meet her child but she never let that happen either.

I’m lost for words.

OP posts:

ImAvingOops · 14/07/2022 19:28

I'm so sorry yellowdungarees.
Its time to get done resl
life support I think and start talking to a solicitor x

Iamsnoopy · 14/07/2022 19:35

If she was Mentally unwell - him coercing her into sexual acts that she didn’t want is not support it’s abuse.
if she isn’t - don’t get angry with her - she wasn’t married to you, he was.

no sex for you for how long?
fine you chose to stay.
him investing emotionally and sexually in someone else?
his choice - not her fault or your but his.

he is blaming anyone and everything but it doesn’t take back what he has done.

if the young lady was your daughter - what would you do? And advise her?
of your daughter was married to someone like him - what would you advise?

can’t you see lovely lady that you deserve so so
much better. He can never recover from this. Walk away and hold your head up.

Robin233 · 14/07/2022 19:38

Well done for blocking her.
She shouldn't have told you - it wasn't kind.
I still maintain this was revenge on her part.
Also he was just feeding her a line - my wife doesn't understand me etc.
obviously a woman is still attractive over 40 - some are just hitting their prime.
You have a lot to think about.
Keep communication open - either way - you may split - you may work it out. But hand hold.

ImAvingOops · 14/07/2022 19:41

There's no loyalty from him, in speaking about you that way. It's a betrayal that's worse than just sex imo.
I do disagree with the poster who said she shouldn't have told you - you need to know what's happening in your own relationship. Ignorance is not bliss. You don't really want the first you hear of this to be when he loses his job! It almost doesn't matter what her motivation is - she isn't your problem.

Robin233 · 14/07/2022 19:48

@ImAvingOops
Sorry I meant the ow shouldn't have made the personal comment about op being over 40 and .....
Not that she shouldn't have told her about the affair.
Though I hardly think it was for op's personal well being.

ImAvingOops · 14/07/2022 19:59

Oh sorry, I misunderstood you

wellhelloitsme · 14/07/2022 20:12

yellowdungarees · 14/07/2022 19:21

He called me in tears today begging me for forgiveness. He admitted that he was flattered by the attention of a younger woman and that, before he realised how mentally unwell she was, he fell for the thrill of it because she showed him so much interest. Apparently he wasn’t interested in the sexual side of things, and was more interested in the conversations that they had, and the fact that she made him feel young again🙄

Meanwhile, more screenshots emerged… and this was the final stab in the back. I asked her what he’d said about me and she didn’t want to say. I asked him and he said that he rarely mentioned me at all. He said to her that there’s nothing attractive about a woman after she reaches 40 and that he no longer finds me sexually attractive. At this point I’ve stopped contact with her and blocked her profile. It’s not her fault - I insisted. He’s denied it all - said that she’s faked the messages.

He’s also ticked the other boxes that match the cliché, saying that the marriage would be dead if it wasn’t for the kids. He even invited her to our home, but she declined. He was also keen to meet her child but she never let that happen either.

I’m lost for words.

Oh my god you poor thing OP

Is there a friend who can come and see you for a real life hug and chat?

What a bastard he is. And still lying. Arsehole.

StellaAndCrow · 14/07/2022 20:16

He can't even keep his own story straight can he? Saying he wasn't interested in the sexual side of things, but asking her for naked photos and sharing porn links?

And no doubt giving you the impression that all is well, while telling her that he's so unhappy in the relationship that he's felt suicidal? Rubbish.

I'm so sorry that he's done this to you OP. You sound lovely. And as you say you've had plenty of other options that you've passed on as you were with him. I think the fact that he was jealous/suspicious of you speaking to other men says a lot about his own behaviour i.e. that he worries you would behave like he would.

LooseGoose22 · 14/07/2022 20:21

I asked her what he’d said about me and she didn’t want to say

She shouldn't have told you - it wasn't kind.

Op asked, more than once by the sounds of it.

And she was right to.

I still maintain this was revenge on her part.

I don't agree. I think k when ppl have even conned and manipulated and discarded by married cheaters. Why should they slink off and not exist them. They don't owe the man's partner blissful ignorance, non disclosure etc.

And even if it was; he deserves it.
Op doesn't but that was his doing.
It's better she knows what she's been married to. I'd better she knows than be blind sided by another affair, him ending up in a disciplinary etc.

She's been putting up with a dysfunctional sex life and jealousy for this??

LooseGoose22 · 14/07/2022 20:27

He said to her that there’s nothing attractive about a woman after she reaches 40 and that he no longer finds me sexually attractive.

Tbh his choice of a woman 15.yrs younger.as a partner, his choice of affair partner (huge age gap) your instincts about his feelings about his workplace re. admiration/attention from young female students, and even his chosen field/place of work ... all made me think he's that type of man.

That's going to look creepier and creepier the older her gets, it already looks uuuugh.

LooseGoose22 · 14/07/2022 20:28

*not expose them.

LooseGoose22 · 14/07/2022 20:32

He said to her that there’s nothing attractive about a woman after she reaches 40 and that he no longer finds me sexually attractive.

Well if he could perform with a 28 yr old, presumably he would have. He can't function for women under or over 40 so what dies it matter.

The irony of mr floppy dick specifying his preference for women under 40.

LooseGoose22 · 14/07/2022 20:46

Lots of men have approached me in my line of work and he’s always been ridiculously jealous and has accused me of flirting and being over friendly with colleagues.

Clearly his lack of attraction to you (and women 40 and over) is isolated to him.
.

LooseGoose22 · 14/07/2022 20:53

Thers also the possibility his "no attraction/desire to a woman post 40" is just cope for his erectile dysfunction.

His wife's over 40 so that's just gotta be why he can't keep it up .

Muggysue · 15/07/2022 05:12

@yellowdungarees

Its actually quite possible that she did fake the text messages, it’s not hard to do at all. There are whole instructional videos on how to make it look legit which are easily accessed (as you can find out for yourself) and apps which allow you to do this. Since I’m guessing your not trained in online fraud I doubt you can really know if they are real.

Muggysue · 15/07/2022 05:18

@Iamsnoopy

Its possible he didn’t know how unwell she was till later, it’s not like everyone with a personality disorder is obviously unwell all the time. That’s hardly a rare reason for breaking off a relationship with someone. Also if you haven’t before encountered someone with a personality disorder even if you are aware of it, they may well downplay it to you until they do something that makes you think Woah!

Also how “unwell” does one have to be before they lose personal responsibility? Obviously she’s well enough to function in the world and go to uni, does that mean no one can ever ask her anything because she’s not capable of free choice? Think of all the people with depression and various other mental illness who go about life normally - are they to be treated as though they can’t make any choices and steered clear of lest asking them something twice is construed as abuse on this account?

I honestly believe him and think he’s a foolish but good man who has made a minor mistake and is about to pay in a major way.

MollyButton · 15/07/2022 05:43

"I honestly believe him and think he’s a foolish but good man who has made a minor mistake and is about to pay in a major way."

What the F has happened to Mumsnet?

This guy is an awful cheat of a type I've met too often in academia. (There used to be frequent stories about Professors adventures nearly getting "caught" with students.)

OP give yourself time and space, and ignore the apologists and women blankets here.
Nope she shouldn't have got involved with a married man but she didn't have a relationship with you or the power here.

billy1966 · 15/07/2022 07:26

However devastating these revelations are, better to know them than be taken in further by his lies.

I'm so sorry, but he is such a sleazy cliché.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/07/2022 07:44

(1) glad you have blocked this woman
you have enough
do NOT let her cause you anymore pain
(2) he’s got ED . This will explain why he gets off all the emotional and sex messaging . Makes
him feel like a virile man again . It’s all a fantasy
(3) how can anyone return to a marriage after this ? I couldn’t . Not can you

I’m sooooo sorry 😞
how painful

you can and will get through this
and get your ego back
and maybe one day find a man who doesn’t have ED and cheat
they exist !

sending healing

and I hate her for sending these messages to you
cruel
but he’s worse

Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/07/2022 07:46

He said to her that there’s nothing attractive about a woman after she reaches 40 and that he no longer finds me sexually attractive

bullshit
and then some more
why didn’t he fuck her ?
because he can’t get hard

it’s pathetic

LooseGoose22 · 15/07/2022 08:38

Its actually quite possible that she did fake the text messages

Did she fake all the highly personal information she knew about op's family, home life etc. too.
The stuff op said only he could have told her.

Of course you could ask her to prove, through IT forensics, the messages from are genuine.

But this is highly likely grasping at straws.

He said she was making it up (and is deluding, obsessed, crazy etc) ... he was lying.

Now he's saying the messages and faked ... he is likely to be the one lying again.

While certain women want to beliefevthd percentage of crazy, delusional, malicious, fantasist other women is greater than the percentage of common garden cheating men in the world; that is simply not true.

LooseGoose22 · 15/07/2022 08:41

do NOT let him cause you anymore pain

You got the wrong pronoun there, fixed it for you.

She's just the messenger.

And op had to.communicate with her this far to to the truth. Since her husband lies, denies and uses classic abuser/predator tactics of denigrating female's mental health.

LooseGoose22 · 15/07/2022 08:51

honestly believe him and think he’s a foolish but good man who has made a minor mistake

Are you on drugs?

There are about 5 things off the top of my head here demonstrating he is not a good man.

A 3 yr involved emotional affair, with sextjng, nude exchanges kidding, touching over clothes, going to the affair partners home more than once, asking to meet the affair partners child (who had enough sense, this crazy young woman, to decline), telling her lots of highly personal information about your family life, telling her you're only together for the kids, telling her you don't fancy you wife anymore etc etc .... is a minor mistake on which planet?

That's not even getting onto the total and utterly lack of professionalism and risking hos job, income and reputation.