Mind. Blown.

[TotallyUninspired]

Some of you may remember my previous thread. Back in March I found out that my husband was having an affair with a much younger (also married) woman. He was very cruel to me in the months leading up to me finding out and brutal after I found out - saying she offered things that I didn't, that I was boring, that it was my fault because blah blah blah. It felt like if he could have blamed me for the Challenger explosion and the Exxon Valdez oil spill he would have.

Off he went, leaving the children and I broken-hearted. I gave up trying to reason with him very quickly and have maintained as little contact as possible with him ever since, with him constantly pushing for friendly chats and cups of tea that I absolutely do not want to have. We've sorted out a childcare arrangement but the financial stuff is unresolved as yet.

Today I got home from dropping the kids off to find him outside. He wants to come back. He's never stopped loving me, apparently, he was just having some kind of mental health crisis and I am the only person he can truly be himself with. He says that he fully takes responsibility for the affair and for destroying our marriage, that he will never forgive himself and his life isn't worth living now. He doesn't want OW, he says - they only lasted for about 2 weeks after he left and he could then see she was completely unsuited to him. He admits he rewrote history and that we had a good marriage and says it was his own insecurity that led him to this. He is having counselling to try and address his issues and asked if there was any way I would give him another chance.

I am so fucking bewildered. I don't know what on earth to do. It felt like validation to have him admit all those things but it could never be the same relationship again. Not to mention the fact that my family all absolutely despise him now (and rightly so). I do still love him but I don't know if I can get past the lack of love and respect he showed me and, above all, there is the fear that it could happen again.

I've agreed to go to a joint counselling session with him, and that's all I've agreed to. I don't know if our relationship is in any way salvageable but, at the very least, if it leads to a more amicable parting of the ways that would be positive.

I wouldn’t believe a word he says. He showed you who he is with his previous behaviour.

Yes, it’s validating to have him realise how wonderful you are and what a twat he was, but use that to bolster your self esteem, not as a reason to take him back.

I wouldn't go to joint counselling with him tbh, he showed exactly who he was when the cards (and affair partner!) were in his favour - I bet his horrible behaviour is a true self coming through. He will now pretend it wasn't to try and crawl back to where the grass is greener - don't put yourself, or your children through that again.

Take the validation - and move on stronger.

I would stay strong if you can. The same thing happened to me. I allowed him back and he did it again. And again. And again. I recently threw away the pages long letters of remorse he wrote, saying exactly the same things yours is saying how. He was still fucking her when he wrote them.

as pp said, he’s shown you who he is and what he’s capable of. You’re not safe with him.

Were his pants on fire when he said all this?

Not a chance. Don’t put yourself through all that. Tell him to do one.

I’m sorry this has happened to you @TotallyUninspired but I think the way he was happy to assassinate your character and blame you for everything means that he isn’t trustworthy and could easily do it again. I think splits can only ever be resolved if people are honest with themselves and he has firmly pulled the blinkers over his own eyes. If it had worked out with the other woman you wouldn’t see him for dust, but again, that’s because she wasn’t right, nothing to do with him of course!

I would be careful with counselling, especially as he has shown himself so willing to blame you for everything. Do you really want to sit there and here it all again? Or will that be the thing you need to realise that nothing has changed?

You may still love him, but it sounds like he only loves himself.

Any idea what the other woman's spin on it is?

Maybe he is such a twit she saw this side of him (eventually) too and got shut.

Seriously, why have that back?

I wouldn't believe a word of it. I'd assume he knows you well enough to say what you want to hear. There's something in it for him now. When he wanted out, he was cruel.

I tend to believe people when they show me what they're like. But I'm cynical.

He’s a bullshitter and a manipulator and you’re mad to even consider it.

The therapy session will be grotesque levels of his self pity and emotional blackmail.

Dont believe his shit. Dont get sucked in, he will admit 'everything's and be lovely for a few weeks then the facade will drop and he will be horrible again and you'll feel trapped and unable to leave cos you took him back and hopeful that it will just be another "episode" and in 2 years time you'll be desperately unhappy and trapped and wish youd never ever taken him back. Speaking from some experience here. Mine came crawling back, was still seeing her for months unbeknownst to me, seeing which of us he wanted. Wish I'd lost tbh

Not a chance I would go back there. It will happen again when the next person turns his head. Unforgivable.

He is doing what he wants, what is easiest, most comfortable for him now, just as he did when he left.

His comfort then meant you had to be culpable, so he made you culpable.

His comfort now depends on you being the love of his life, so his diary has had a new rewrite and look, you are essential to his happiness.

Tell him to fuck off. You really don't need that kind of emotional manipulation in your life. He crapped all over your marriage, he can't expect to give it a quick wipe over and for all to be forgotten.

Remember. You don't love him, you live the partner you thought he was. You aren't bereft of common sense, so it is impossible to live someone who has characterised you as he has.

Move on. Slam that door in his face, laugh like a drain until your common sense grabs your heart and talks some sense into it.

She got rid of him. And he's come crawling back. Don't dare agree to it. It isn't what's best for the children or you so don't let him use that as blackmail to screw you all over again.

She’s dumped his sorry arse and he’s trying to pick up where he left off with you. Sorry OP. Keep strong and don’t take him back!

hes lying through his teeth. The ow kicked him out so he's come crawling back, otherwise they would still be together. Dont do joint counselling ever, go to seperate therapists.

Please stay strong. If he had truly loved you he wouldn't have left.

So she binned him off and he’s come back till the next one? Don’t be a fool op. It’s over,

Oh christ no. And don't go to counseling with him either

It's financial settlement time. He's been told to 'play nice'.

So he was cruel and a massive duplicitous arsehole who betrayed your love and trust, blaming you while he’s the one with a grubby affair and swept away to the extent he essentially “chose” someone else over you and your family.

Then realised that either the fantasy was just that, or she did, but either way AFTER jumping ship things don’t work out as he planned… so now…. He’s back grovelling?

The choice is yours OP but personally I couldn’t ever trust, respect or look at him the same way. Why should YOU spend your life on eggshells wondering if he’ll think the grass is greener again?

A crucial point (although I’d still find it unforgivable), is that he realised after he’d jumped and blown your life apart that they “weren’t suited” … so it’s not love and respect for you rather than an incompatibility between them. So he’s come back thinking he can eat humble pie and you’ll have him back.

Sorry op it must be good to hear him say that stuff, so relish it before telling him to jog the fuck on.

And yes, they do do it again.

You would be a fool to fall for that bollocks

One of two things has happened here 1) the OW has binned him for the prick he is or 2) far too late he has realised the grass is not greener

Send him a voice clip of “A little time” by the Beautiful South and don’t let anyone treat you like that and walk back into your life like nothing happened.

She dumped him and now he's come crawling back.

Possibly he stood to lose a lot in the divorce (money wise) and that's been a wake up call?

What a knob.

No no no no no no no

Tell him you only want to speak about sorting the financials... watch how quickly his face will revert to the one he pulled when he thought you were the worst person on earth😡

That's who he is.

A simple case of the grass is most definitly not greener on the other side!

Fuck him (not literally)

He's worried about the money, or the cushy life he had with you wife-ing for him.

A lot of them do this. I expected it after I threw my ex out, and sure enough, it happened. I told him if we got back together, it wouldn't work as we'd both be looking for something better. I don't think it had occurred to him that he wasn't everything I'd ever dreamed of.

Don't believe a word he says. Get the finances sorted. Keep rejecting his cosy chit-chats, and give backword on the counselling. He can't crawl back from what he's done and expect you to swallow the pain, and keep living with it, so that he can have a comfortable life until he finds another new woman to take him in.