Mind. Blown.

[TotallyUninspired]

Some of you may remember my previous thread. Back in March I found out that my husband was having an affair with a much younger (also married) woman. He was very cruel to me in the months leading up to me finding out and brutal after I found out - saying she offered things that I didn't, that I was boring, that it was my fault because blah blah blah. It felt like if he could have blamed me for the Challenger explosion and the Exxon Valdez oil spill he would have.

Off he went, leaving the children and I broken-hearted. I gave up trying to reason with him very quickly and have maintained as little contact as possible with him ever since, with him constantly pushing for friendly chats and cups of tea that I absolutely do not want to have. We've sorted out a childcare arrangement but the financial stuff is unresolved as yet.

Today I got home from dropping the kids off to find him outside. He wants to come back. He's never stopped loving me, apparently, he was just having some kind of mental health crisis and I am the only person he can truly be himself with. He says that he fully takes responsibility for the affair and for destroying our marriage, that he will never forgive himself and his life isn't worth living now. He doesn't want OW, he says - they only lasted for about 2 weeks after he left and he could then see she was completely unsuited to him. He admits he rewrote history and that we had a good marriage and says it was his own insecurity that led him to this. He is having counselling to try and address his issues and asked if there was any way I would give him another chance.

I am so fucking bewildered. I don't know what on earth to do. It felt like validation to have him admit all those things but it could never be the same relationship again. Not to mention the fact that my family all absolutely despise him now (and rightly so). I do still love him but I don't know if I can get past the lack of love and respect he showed me and, above all, there is the fear that it could happen again.

I've agreed to go to a joint counselling session with him, and that's all I've agreed to. I don't know if our relationship is in any way salvageable but, at the very least, if it leads to a more amicable parting of the ways that would be positive.

Look in the bottom right hand corner of the posts you want removed and click on the ‘report’ function and ask for the comment to be removed. You’ll need to do it for each post you want taken down.

Good luck to OP and BetterFuture (sounds like you also did the right thing and not allow yourself to be taken for a ride). It’s a shame when posters pile in abusively on situations and people they barely know, but that’s MN for you. Sometimes there are lots of angry posters who project their experiences.

Oh, the age old "projection" line. A boring swipe from the lazy thinkers. Though I guess you'd know.

I'm happily married and never been divorced, but I've got experience of men who weaponise kids and money. They're always arseholes.

So you couldn’t/wouldn’t debate why you hate your wife so much @BetterFuture1985 that your kids suffer for it. Therapy might help you here seriously therapy.

I didn’t break the rules by the way Mumsnet so no idea why my post got deleted but others remained??

as for another poster agreeing bet you wouldn’t be saying that if your ex did the same to you.

this isn’t a pile on either he posted we responded with what he wrote ( now deleted) and it wasn’t pleasant reading.

I made a promise to report my posts and all others that were responses to my posts because I'd derailed the thread. If others remained it's only because I missed them first time around, I'll take another look now.

Happy to debate you on why it's acceptable to lie and cheat to the detriment of the children during the asset split, which she did, but not okay to manipulate the CMS rules to claw back the money taken by deception. Just not here. Feel free to start a new thread.

@BetterFuture1985

Happy to debate you on why it's acceptable to lie and cheat to the detriment of the children during the asset split, which she did, but not okay to manipulate the CMS rules to claw back the money taken by deception.

You say not on here but you said it on here so I'll take this one and share my personal answer:

Nobody has said what your ex did is acceptable. They said that your gleeful (and it really did read that way) retaliation through finances was wrong, Because two wrongs don't make a right and because children shouldn't be potentially negatively impacted by both parents just because one of them 'started it'.

I'm not doing it with "glee." I'm doing it 1) because I can and 2) because it's the only option available to me to get redress and protect my children's futures. I've started a thread in Divorce/Separation which provides more of the background, feel free to discuss further there, I will not be saying anything further here.

@BetterFuture1985

If lots of people read your messages and say they have a particular tone, it's worth considering whether they might have a point.

Good luck with everything, I hope the fallout has as little effect on your children as possible.

Given the lines of argument I was attacked with and the double standards, I'm not overly concerned if they didn't like the "tone." You can't really deduce tone from the written word; they chose what they wanted to see. Others saw something very different, that they also wanted to see.

@BetterFuture1985

You can't really deduce tone from the written word; they chose what they wanted to see.

Again, on a discussion forum if you think multiple people aren't accurately understanding your tone or it's being misread... your tone might be the issue rather than their comprehension.

Enjoy your other thread 👍🏻

I've seen BetterFuture on other threads and it's completely obvious that he's here in order to vent his bitterness about his ex among a load of women and tell them why they're wrong about everything. If you've been here more than five minutes you'll know the type. That's why he me-railed the thread, had a tantrum when he got pulled up, got posts deleted yet is still doing it.

I'll give you some genuine advice, BetterFuture. Start a thread about her cheating. MN is extremely anti-cheating and you'll get the hero/villainess narrative you're looking for. Tread carefully when talking about how you punish your kids for her misdemeanours and weaponise money to provide for them, though. You might be able to play it as complexity in your heroic character, but the line you're going for now - that you're just an agent of righteous justice - is appalling. Try focusing on your kids more than your sense of vengeance too, in real life as well as on here.

“U will not be saying anything more” and yet u still reply! Can people just drop his (off)topic here? Enough is enough

⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️
On that note I wonder how the OP is getting on?