Mind. Blown.

[TotallyUninspired]

Some of you may remember my previous thread. Back in March I found out that my husband was having an affair with a much younger (also married) woman. He was very cruel to me in the months leading up to me finding out and brutal after I found out - saying she offered things that I didn't, that I was boring, that it was my fault because blah blah blah. It felt like if he could have blamed me for the Challenger explosion and the Exxon Valdez oil spill he would have.

Off he went, leaving the children and I broken-hearted. I gave up trying to reason with him very quickly and have maintained as little contact as possible with him ever since, with him constantly pushing for friendly chats and cups of tea that I absolutely do not want to have. We've sorted out a childcare arrangement but the financial stuff is unresolved as yet.

Today I got home from dropping the kids off to find him outside. He wants to come back. He's never stopped loving me, apparently, he was just having some kind of mental health crisis and I am the only person he can truly be himself with. He says that he fully takes responsibility for the affair and for destroying our marriage, that he will never forgive himself and his life isn't worth living now. He doesn't want OW, he says - they only lasted for about 2 weeks after he left and he could then see she was completely unsuited to him. He admits he rewrote history and that we had a good marriage and says it was his own insecurity that led him to this. He is having counselling to try and address his issues and asked if there was any way I would give him another chance.

I am so fucking bewildered. I don't know what on earth to do. It felt like validation to have him admit all those things but it could never be the same relationship again. Not to mention the fact that my family all absolutely despise him now (and rightly so). I do still love him but I don't know if I can get past the lack of love and respect he showed me and, above all, there is the fear that it could happen again.

I've agreed to go to a joint counselling session with him, and that's all I've agreed to. I don't know if our relationship is in any way salvageable but, at the very least, if it leads to a more amicable parting of the ways that would be positive.

Op, please, please RUN from this cunt of a man. DON'T go to counselling with him and, whatever you do, DON'T take him back!!

He has shown without any doubt whatsoever that if someone he thinks is 'better' comes along he will not only jump at the chance but is happy to kick you on the way out! He'd clearly do it again in a heartbeat because if he's capable of doing something so awful once then he's capable of doing it again.

He has made it very clear to you that he has no respect or compassion for you at all. It would be a huge mistake to let him back.

No. You've been getting on with your grieving and anger, now he's going to set you back to step one. Once is too many times. He wouldn't crawl back if OW hadn't left him after 2 weeks. Do not abase yourself to even contemplate getting back with him. Cancel the counselling. It's over. You have already started your new life without him. He is not part of it.

I've agreed to go to a joint counselling session with him, and that's all I've agreed to. I don't know if our relationship is in any way salvageable but, at the very least, if it leads to a more amicable parting of the ways that would be positive.

I'd unagree to this if I were you. He'll make it like you're being unreasonable if you don't try then he'll be back and free to do whatever he wants all over again.

and I am the only person he can truly be himself with.

Boo hoo

I'd say to that -
'Oh dear. Trouble is...You've now shown me who your real self actually is though! And that's not the sort of person I want or need in my life, thanks.
Now let's get all this financial stuff sorted and you can show me how very sorry you are by at least behaving decently about that.'

By the way - All his reasons and entreaties to you are about him!!

Tell him you've realised how much better you are without him and that you don't fancy him any more anyway. Counselling is a bad idea. It will just give him the opportunity to embellish his sob story even more, in a more validating arena.

Tell him to fuck off

My husband did this twice and the third time I ditched him. I should have gone the first time.

Lasted 2 weeks? Aye.
So why July not April? He fully wanted a bit of single life and then discovered having to put the effort in to meet people for sex and cook his own dinners every night wasn’t all that then?

You may feel you need to do this, the joint counselling.

Here’s my advice though: tell him you want to reach the financial settlement simultaneously. Have it ready to go if still needed. This serves you well because:

• it shows him you’re seriously about not just taking him back


• He’ll be on his best behaviour not to be unfair about it


• if he isn’t on said best behaviour you know he isn’t genuinely remorseful

I am listening. It's not what I want to hear but it's probably what I need to hear.

You needed validation from him, you still love him, and have agreed to a joint counselling session within an hour of speaking with him.

I think you're definitely going to take him back and that it's probably a terrible idea.

I wanted to be a voice saying good luck though and hope you find happiness whichever way you go.

You never know a person until you see how they behave to someone they consider of no importance, or how they behave when under pressure.

He did not handle this with grace (as far as you can) or decency. He was vile.

you know what he is, you know how he reacts, the venom and the spite and the fact that you can't trust his word. Do you love him, or the person you thought he was? Because his behaviour now is a strong element of him and it isn't loveable at all.

If you go back now, you know what you are getting. You know what lies underneath the nice surface.

In your shoes I'd be thinking of the children and giving them one reliable steadfast parent instead of two in a fragile and frightening relationship.

I'm sorry for the loss of your illusions and the loss of the security of your life.

Please, please don't. You're worth so much more than settling for him.

Don't entertain him for a second. Don't let him back in the house, don't have long late at night conversations, start divorce proceedings.

For what it's worth, I think you are doing the right thing. Couples counselling will give you the opportunity to speak honestly, hear each other, and work out what you really want. It's not just about helping people stay together, but can also help you move on in a more healthy manner than you might do otherwise. You believe you still love him, and maybe you do, or maybe you're holding on to what you thought you had before he broke it. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or believes, you have to be able to move on knowing that you did you best, and able to demonstrate that to your children. Counselling will help you work out if trying again is feasible/wise, or help you to "consciously uncouple" and not blow your worlds apart.

OP I agree with what’s been said here. Either the OW has dumped him or he’s been told to work at a relationship with you for financial reasons. Possibly even both.

you hold all the cards. It’s easy for us to say don’t go to counselling but I don’t think you should. How you play your card is up to you but I’d speak with family and a solicitor if necessary to protect you and your children. Keep him at arms length.

Hands up I think you should tell him to fuck himself sideways.

But if the pull to the familiar is strong, at least don’t let him do one or two counselling sessions and then move home. If he cajoles about that - then he’s not respecting you, so really think about that before you do get back with him.
Even if it’s tempting not to “waste” money, it really isn’t wasted.
If he won’t commit a year and more to dating, then he’s not serious, he’s selfish.

This isn’t a man who made a mistake and had sex elsewhere and was sheepish or even apologetic and having fallen for someone. This is a man who treated you like shit to blame you for it. I’d come back from an affair quicker than I came back from that.

You may love him, but do you trust him? I think once the trust has gone, there’s no going back.

Is he homeless, and that’s why he’s come crawling back, or struggling to live by himself? (neither of which are your responsibility).

He said he was very cruel to you, saying a lot of hurtful things. Don’t forget that.

My ex did this. Swanned off leaving me broken, broke with a baby. 6 months later he fully expected me to welcome him back.

Apparently he missed me terribly. And yet still after supposedly him thinking he could get me on side, he did nothing to demonstrate he had changed. He missed the cushy life I provided him with.

Nah mate. I'm no ones back up plan and neither are you.

Parophone Lol at this !!!

But it's amazing how the story changes according to their needs.
It is probably unfair to cast an opinion when you have yourself and children to think about but this is my story.
I wasnt married to my ex or have children but we had been together 15 years, had a house, and he did this to me many times. Moved out behaved callously, cold and detached, was nearly proud of himself.

During our relationship once I uncovered what was going on, he was on the floor crying into a tea cloth he was so full of remorse...apparently. I got flowers, offered to buy me a new carpet, and a car for my dog, ( dog very hairy ) , a trip away, all the things he never did during our relationship. Made fun of the other woman and her family. He phoned my best friend to ask her what he should do, told his sister he would end it all, she then called me , i did ask, 'what about me ? ' Sent me texts saying he had made the biggest mistake of his life. He then proposed, ring and everything, I said no, as I said it was not about a big day out and fancy dress but more about how he responds when good old day to day boring stuff happens.
After all this he did it again with the same woman. Actually said to me , and I quote, 'desperate actions of a desperate man' . I had not pursued him to beg him to come back.

The clincher, he went on to marry the ow and have children. I have never had another relationship since.. Totally destroyed any ounce of trust I had in anyone. Dont let him do this to you. Get divorced settle everything , get your eggs in a row. If he really means it, he will keep working at it despite this, but honestly I couldnt/wouldn't trust him again. And do not let him move home again until all that is resolved.

It must be hard to hear Op, and I feel for you, but I beg you to stay strong. You've dealt with this brilliantly and were moving on positively. That would all be undone if you took him back.

Whatever has happened between them (he may be telling the truth / she may have dumped him / they may still be together but he needs to do damage limitation re your financial settlement) he treated you appallingly, lied, cheated, made you out to be the bad guy, threw a grenade in to yours and your children's lives without a backward glance. There is no excuse for what he did.

He's now changed his tune. Which version of him do you believe? Because that version that treated you so very badly is still there. He still exists.

If he's seen the error of his ways - great. He can be sorry and become a better person and a better father and you can co-parent in a positive way together. It doesn't mean you have to take him back. Why would you want to be with someone who's shown you how badly they are happy to treat you? It could well happen again (maybe more likely, as taking him back would 'devalue' you a bit in his eyes - make him think he can treat you like crap and you'll take him back because he's such a catch and you're so grateful to have him).

You deserve better.

I am in the OW has dumped him camp but recently and not 2 weeks after he left!

No there wouldn’t be anyway back for me, cancel the counselling, tell him no. I know a few women who have taken back unfaithful husbands, and they have lived to regret it, as they have been unable to remain faithful and have had repeated affairs. You will be forever wondering OP. It will destroy you.

@bpirockin “Counselling will help you work out if trying again is feasible/wise, or help you to "consciously uncouple" and not blow your worlds apart.”

But he already ripped the plaster off and blew OP’s world up. She doesn’t need counselling to “uncouple”. He uncoupled them already. She can just stay (to him) completely neutral. I divorced a cheat without even a raised voice. And no counselling.

He doesn't want OW, he says - they only lasted for about 2 weeks after he left and he could then see she was completely unsuited to him

Translation: the OW went off him because, once in situ, he didn't look quite so appealing

Of course you still love your image of what he was - it doesn't go in a day - but taking him back would send a loud message that you'll accept being second best, and then there's what happens when he does it again because you didn't give him a second chance in quite the right way, still wished to discuss what he's done when he wants to pretend it never happened and so on

Only you can decide whether you can live that way, but from bitter experience I wouldn't recommend it

Tell him to fuck off and when he gets there then fuck off a bit further

If you've agreed to counselling he's already got one bollock back in the bed. I wouldn't have given him the satisfaction.