Mind. Blown.

[TotallyUninspired]

Some of you may remember my previous thread. Back in March I found out that my husband was having an affair with a much younger (also married) woman. He was very cruel to me in the months leading up to me finding out and brutal after I found out - saying she offered things that I didn't, that I was boring, that it was my fault because blah blah blah. It felt like if he could have blamed me for the Challenger explosion and the Exxon Valdez oil spill he would have.

Off he went, leaving the children and I broken-hearted. I gave up trying to reason with him very quickly and have maintained as little contact as possible with him ever since, with him constantly pushing for friendly chats and cups of tea that I absolutely do not want to have. We've sorted out a childcare arrangement but the financial stuff is unresolved as yet.

Today I got home from dropping the kids off to find him outside. He wants to come back. He's never stopped loving me, apparently, he was just having some kind of mental health crisis and I am the only person he can truly be himself with. He says that he fully takes responsibility for the affair and for destroying our marriage, that he will never forgive himself and his life isn't worth living now. He doesn't want OW, he says - they only lasted for about 2 weeks after he left and he could then see she was completely unsuited to him. He admits he rewrote history and that we had a good marriage and says it was his own insecurity that led him to this. He is having counselling to try and address his issues and asked if there was any way I would give him another chance.

I am so fucking bewildered. I don't know what on earth to do. It felt like validation to have him admit all those things but it could never be the same relationship again. Not to mention the fact that my family all absolutely despise him now (and rightly so). I do still love him but I don't know if I can get past the lack of love and respect he showed me and, above all, there is the fear that it could happen again.

I've agreed to go to a joint counselling session with him, and that's all I've agreed to. I don't know if our relationship is in any way salvageable but, at the very least, if it leads to a more amicable parting of the ways that would be positive.

And when they do it again, they can say things like, 'we got through it once, we can again!'

Like their hideously appalling character flaw is a major part of your romantic dreams about your life.

A crucial point (although I’d still find it unforgivable), is that he realised after he’d jumped and blown your life apart that they “weren’t suited” … so it’s not love and respect for you rather than an incompatibility between them. So he’s come back thinking he can eat humble pie and you’ll have him back.

Very good point.

And yeah, agree he's playing nice for the settlement. Twat.

Hard nope

The ow has dumped him or has decided her husband is a better catch. Dont believe a word he says.

People who cheat are good at lying. While he was having his affair he was practicing this skill by telling you and her what you wanted to hear and this is what he's doing now.

He's not the man that you thought you married. If you reconcile you have stress and paranoia for years. Every time he leaves the house, picks up his phone, is on a computer... you'll be wondering who and what he's doing and it will drive you mad.

My guess is that he's been dumped. Is he living with his parents or does he have a place? I bet he's missing you taking care of his practical needs too.

@TotallyUninspired I've been where you are, felt manipulated into the counselling. As a wise MN er said at the time, it was "Because I was a nice person, and I was trying to make the marriage work. It was too late, the damage was done for me. And he was appalling at the only session of marriage counselling we went to also, so I wouldn't, in your shoes, put yourself through it. As others have said, she's probably kicked his sorry arse out, or maybe he has seen a solicitor, and discovered a divorce would actually hit him really hard in the wallet? Yes, I'm a cynical old bird now. But happier, now I have divorced the Fuckwit. Good luck

He won’t change and you’ll be treading on eggshells for evermore. By all
means go to counselling if you must but don’t let your ex set the agenda. Make it clear that you see it as facilitating his final exit from the marriage, not as his way to slide back into your life. You need time to grieve but frankly my dear he doesn’t give a damn. You deserve and will get so much more without him.

Either she’s dumped him or he’s worked out the finances. It’s one or the other. Don’t let him make a mug of you.

He would have to come clean to admit to everything he did. Everything in the spot light. The bad, the ugly, the filthy truth. The lies, the time stolen from you, the lack of support, the emotional withdrawal, the sex. He would have to understand why he did what he did and take care of his shite. As it has 99% of the case nothing to do with the other spouse. (the 1% is yup, nothing to do with you.)
He would have to build a brand new relationship with you. Your old relationship is dead, he killed it, and part of you with it. He had a commitment with you, he walked all over it. He would have to put up with your anger and your distrust. You would have to take that dowg back in with strick boundaries. And see if after some time his behaviour makes him a human or a proper pig. I think he is just awake from his drunkenness and smug. Like it's just a matter of putting words together to fix it.
A lot of women take their husband back in, this does mean their relationship work. How long has he been in therapy ? Why is he rushing to have you in? going back together is not impossible, but I would not be rushing. That's my opinion.

@GreenClock great minds eh 😃

@SamphirethePogoingStickerist totally agree

Run, run and run some more.
You already know what he's capable of. He's already shown you that.
Why would you even contemplate going through all that again? And it will happen again - once a cheater, always a cheater.

She’s either dumped him or he’d realised what this is all going to cost in terms of money

don’t believe a word and don’t go to counselling that way madness and more pain lies

imagine your friend telling you this. You know what you’d tell her to do

Don’t even think about whether you could trust him again yet. Go to counselling and just see how you feel.

my husband left me, no other woman involved and I don’t know if I could have taken him back if there had been someone else. He was also an absolute shit to me and I never thought we could go back. I would say our relationship now is better than it ever was. He left me and hit absolute rock bottom and wallowed there for some time thinking I was going to save him - I think I always had in the past. This time he had to save himself and in many ways I feel I am in a relationship with the adult version of him now. He’s still a pain in the butt, he still doesn’t pull his weight enough but for the first time in our marriage I actually feel we will be together till the end.

good luck whichever way you decide to go

All he is doing is running around destroying all these lives because of his pure bloody selfishness. Not only did he have an affair with another married woman but he treated you like shit in the lead up to you finding out and then blamed it on you!

The trouble is, this only happened four months ago so of course, you still love him and now it's thrown you into turmoil. If he had turned up on your doorstep 12 months after the event, I doubt you would even consider having anything further to do with him outside of your roles as parents to your children.

I would urge you to keep going as you are on your own. You've come this far! This is all about him and his needs, that's why he's come back. I wouldn't believe a word that came out of his mouth. Sorry if that all sounds a bit harsh but I feel so angry on your behalf!

I don't know what on earth to do.

Yes, you do. He's just presenting you with an apparently easy option that will become a nightmare when he betrays you again.

He showed you who he was. It's up to you to believe him.

OP, I have the perfect response for you to give him.

as if, you absolute twat, now off you fuck.

Eeww. Gross.

So, he’s worked out how much divorce costs and now your his one and only true love again eh?

Yup. He's still drunk, pretty much unapologetic and if she whistled he would wag his tail in the sunset to join her. He might just want a "good" divorce. He might be just lying to his teeth right now and still be with her.

He's done such a predictable thing... the grass is always greener.

I once read that if you 'love' two people, you should always choose the second person because if you loved the first person enough there wouldn't be a second option. He chose the second person, it's on him that it hadn't worked out.

Please, please don't let him get inside your mind and confuse things. He's treated you so very poorly. Stay strong.

That would be a no from me. But if you do decide to go to counselling with him, I think it should be to see your counsellor, or at least someone of your choosing.

Write down all the things he did and said to you and how you felt at the time.

That horrid person still exists, he's just showing you his better side because it's in his benefit to do so.

Joint counselling will try to help you get past what's happened with a view to working through your differences.
The counsellor will look at the fact that you've come together for this and will attempt to find common ground from which to build on.

You need to decide if you really want him back in your life.
Given that he's run back to you because the grass isn't greener , it makes you look like 'better the devil you know.'

Only you can decide.

You've done the hardest bit about breaking up.
Don't go back now and have to do it all again!