Mind. Blown.

[TotallyUninspired]

Some of you may remember my previous thread. Back in March I found out that my husband was having an affair with a much younger (also married) woman. He was very cruel to me in the months leading up to me finding out and brutal after I found out - saying she offered things that I didn't, that I was boring, that it was my fault because blah blah blah. It felt like if he could have blamed me for the Challenger explosion and the Exxon Valdez oil spill he would have.

Off he went, leaving the children and I broken-hearted. I gave up trying to reason with him very quickly and have maintained as little contact as possible with him ever since, with him constantly pushing for friendly chats and cups of tea that I absolutely do not want to have. We've sorted out a childcare arrangement but the financial stuff is unresolved as yet.

Today I got home from dropping the kids off to find him outside. He wants to come back. He's never stopped loving me, apparently, he was just having some kind of mental health crisis and I am the only person he can truly be himself with. He says that he fully takes responsibility for the affair and for destroying our marriage, that he will never forgive himself and his life isn't worth living now. He doesn't want OW, he says - they only lasted for about 2 weeks after he left and he could then see she was completely unsuited to him. He admits he rewrote history and that we had a good marriage and says it was his own insecurity that led him to this. He is having counselling to try and address his issues and asked if there was any way I would give him another chance.

I am so fucking bewildered. I don't know what on earth to do. It felt like validation to have him admit all those things but it could never be the same relationship again. Not to mention the fact that my family all absolutely despise him now (and rightly so). I do still love him but I don't know if I can get past the lack of love and respect he showed me and, above all, there is the fear that it could happen again.

I've agreed to go to a joint counselling session with him, and that's all I've agreed to. I don't know if our relationship is in any way salvageable but, at the very least, if it leads to a more amicable parting of the ways that would be positive.

DO NOT TRUST THIS MAN EVER AGAIN.
It's not just the affair - it's the cruelty, blame-laying & gaslighting.

You know he's only saying the 'right' things now because his OW has dumped him & he's realised how much a divorce will cost him. As soon as his feet are back under your table he'll lose any remaining respect for you & will be looking for his next affair. And how could you live with the constant worry of that - let alone the horrible, searingly hurtful & unfair things he said to you?

I've agreed to go to a joint counselling session with him, and that's all I've agreed to.
He's an abusive piece of shit.
Any good counsellor will see that within the first session (if you are both truthful about how he chose to treat you & talk to you). Any reputable counsellor with them refuse to engage with you on joint counselling: it is NOt recommended when one party is an abuser.
In other words - if your counsellor agrees to continue with joint counselling after this one session - they are not worth their salt.

I don't know if our relationship is in any way salvageable
He will always be the man who blamed you for his own behaviour & chose to wound you with devastating words on the way out. No amount of "sorry" will change that.

but, at the very least, if it leads to a more amicable parting of the ways that would be positive.
Never mind amicable.
All you need is that YOU start to feel ok about it, start to feel better within & about yourself. You can do that via your OWN, solo counsellor.

Im glad the session went well.

About the parting -of-the-ways-amicably thing though. There is always the odd chance that he will be different (Sometimes the moon really is blue!) but as far as I can see, the woman in this situation wants an amicable parting. But the man has his own emotions and often they are either arrogantly certain they are right (underneath the falseapologies) or they get angry.

Cruelty is a trait that once revealed, can never be forgotten. Please be very, very careful of everything this man says because he isnt what you thought he was and that sad longing for the illusion can betray into acting against your own interests big style.

Also, because she was a serial cheat and a liar, she found she had an ex-husband who was comfortable paying her the absolute bare minimum in child maintenance

Why are you punishing your kids for what your wife did?

Also, because she was a serial cheat and a liar, she found she had an ex-husband who was comfortable paying her the absolute bare minimum in child maintenance and insisting on receipts for everything to make sure it was being spent on the children and not her latest loser boyfriend.

"It" being "the absolute bare minimum in child maintenance"?

Lucky kids.

😂 oh dear @BetterFuture1985 not a popular post! probably not the best thread to boast about making your ex wife’s life a misery- not the sort of crowd who will appreciate it.

All joking aside, you sound like you’re enjoying lording it over your ex with your demand for receipts etc. I can see how that might feel good in the short term but long term it probably will hurt your DCs. Hurting their mother, no matter how justified you feel it to be, you will hurt them really and unfortunately they may well come to hate you for it. I’ve seen it happen a lot- not worth if for anyone I reckon.

@BetterFuture1985 if its any consolation I read your original post and my initial thought was good for you mate! I agree wholeheartedly with you! I'm a wife and mother BTW.

It's not about your wife, it's about your kids. Why are you punishing them, and giving them less, just to take revenge on their mother? Is that what being a man and a father is about to you?

Can this thread keep to TotallyUninspired the OP, we are trying to help her.
(the other one can start a new thread).

I agree. Another man expecting a lot of attention

Betterfuture, you do need your own thread. It’s like being on an aircraft. You put your own oxygen mask on before helping others on with theirs.

The elephant will always be in the room. Once a cheat, always a potential cheat. You will never fully trust him again; that trust is broken.

You can li,p along and play happy families, but like a good friend of mine, it never goes back to how it was and will fail in the end.

Is this all you deserve?

You say you love him, but what does that actually mean? It obviously doesn't go both ways or he wouldn't have run off for the sake of more exciting sex. That's like just wanting the cherry on the cake and not giving a toss about the cake.

He realises he had it good at home. Now he's had a reality check he's trying to crawl back. Personally, this is a deal breaker and it will always be. Can't stand the thought of him dipping somewhere else and coming back to me. You are going to be thinking of all the things he did with her. You will wonder and you will compare.

Infidelity is impossible to get over. You deserve more. Don't you.

For the sake of argument, I'll assume this is all true. She's an evil bitch who lies all the time, her earning power isn't remotely affected by having the kids most of the time or presumably doing the bulk of childcare while married, she lied about how much work she did raising them, blah blah blah. All 100% true.

She presumably got more equity in the house because she's the resident parent and main carer, which affects earning power as any fule kno. It's pretty horrid to withhold more than you need to from them and weaponise money to control their mother. It's weapon level shithousery to pretend you're doing it because you're a fantastic dad who just wants to "redress the balance", by which you mean your home, because all you care about is the two days a week they're there.

Equity release is only ever to be a last resort for anything; the fact you think someone can just do this to free up a bit of cash says more than you think.

You're weaponising money to your children's detriment to take revenge on their mother. Ok, but don't pretend it makes you wonderful.

You can report your own posts and request that they be removed.

@TotallyUninspired

the fact is this has sent me reeling.

Of course - that's what his comments are designed to do.

Not only, as others have said, has he realised how much a divorce would cost him financially, but he's realised he's pretty much lost his service human (that's you) and, as the OW won't comply, his Plan B is to get back in your head to try and erase all the nasty things he said that made you feel so hurt and humiliated to get back what he threw away. Is that really good enough for you? 🌹