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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mind. Blown.

415 replies

TotallyUninspired · 11/07/2022 17:04

Some of you may remember my previous thread. Back in March I found out that my husband was having an affair with a much younger (also married) woman. He was very cruel to me in the months leading up to me finding out and brutal after I found out - saying she offered things that I didn't, that I was boring, that it was my fault because blah blah blah. It felt like if he could have blamed me for the Challenger explosion and the Exxon Valdez oil spill he would have.

Off he went, leaving the children and I broken-hearted. I gave up trying to reason with him very quickly and have maintained as little contact as possible with him ever since, with him constantly pushing for friendly chats and cups of tea that I absolutely do not want to have. We've sorted out a childcare arrangement but the financial stuff is unresolved as yet.

Today I got home from dropping the kids off to find him outside. He wants to come back. He's never stopped loving me, apparently, he was just having some kind of mental health crisis and I am the only person he can truly be himself with. He says that he fully takes responsibility for the affair and for destroying our marriage, that he will never forgive himself and his life isn't worth living now. He doesn't want OW, he says - they only lasted for about 2 weeks after he left and he could then see she was completely unsuited to him. He admits he rewrote history and that we had a good marriage and says it was his own insecurity that led him to this. He is having counselling to try and address his issues and asked if there was any way I would give him another chance.

I am so fucking bewildered. I don't know what on earth to do. It felt like validation to have him admit all those things but it could never be the same relationship again. Not to mention the fact that my family all absolutely despise him now (and rightly so). I do still love him but I don't know if I can get past the lack of love and respect he showed me and, above all, there is the fear that it could happen again.

I've agreed to go to a joint counselling session with him, and that's all I've agreed to. I don't know if our relationship is in any way salvageable but, at the very least, if it leads to a more amicable parting of the ways that would be positive.

OP posts:
Sunnytwobridges · 11/07/2022 18:23

Parpophone · 11/07/2022 17:10

Were his pants on fire when he said all this?

OMG Funniest comment I've read in a long time😂😂😂

OP, I would agree with pp, I wouldn't believe a word he says. However, if you want to cover all bases and feel like you've given your all, go ahead and have counselling with him, just for your own sake. Of course he admits he was wrong and he rewrote history. Many people like this never change, he prob was rejected by the OW and he know he's crawling back.

I gave an ex another chance after he cheated and he couldn't help himself and ended up cheating again. Another ex i'm still friends with is a serial cheater, he has cheated on every partner he's been with including me. They rarely change.

FriedTomatoe · 11/07/2022 18:23

I'll go against the grain a bit and say if you really want to, give it a go. People can make mistakes BUT in saying this before you agree to take him back you owe yourself:-

A few counselling sessions of your own and time and space to figure out what you want;
Established proof that he means what he says - this only comes with time.

I do know people who have made it work post affair but it has usually taken at least a year of building the relationship back up again.

KittyCatsby · 11/07/2022 18:24

No , No , and thrice No .

whatisheupto · 11/07/2022 18:24

The problem is, if you take him back you are literally telling him "you can do that shit to me and I'll still take you back". So he will do it again. It's giving him the green light to do it again.
And to be fair, you couldn't even blame him if he did do it again because I can just hear him saying "but you let me get away with it before so why not this time??"

NoseyNellie · 11/07/2022 18:24

This was my dad when I was growing up - the first time he left for THREE YEARS before ‘realising his terrible mistake’ and it never stopped…

We had seven years of him staying and going and staying and going… on more than one occasion he actually started an argument with my mum purposefully so he could storm off and meet up for pre arranged date with OW (not the original one, there were a few)

The effect it has had on my relationship with men has been major. His gaslighting of both my mum and us children continued for years and years. Please don’t do this to your kids

ReneBumsWombats · 11/07/2022 18:25

He hasn't come back because he missed you, he's come back because it fell apart with OW.

pointythings · 11/07/2022 18:26

He thinks you're a mug.

He'll do it again.

Don't take him back.

BeeAFreeBird · 11/07/2022 18:26

What a head spin! Hope you’re doing ok. He sounds selfish and manipulative. Put your needs first here and trust yourself. Make conscious choices rather than being swept along by him - it sounds like he has no shame so definitely don’t trust what he says. If the kids are on your mind do bear in mind that children pick up on so much. It’s very upsetting, and extremely damaging in the long term, to watch one parent be treated badly by the other. Do what you feel is right but you’re certainly able to take care of yourself and your children without him. Good luck with it x

JanglyBeads · 11/07/2022 18:27

If he had respect for you he would have tentatively messaged you or ring, not turned up on the doorstep in an effort to make you feel sorry for him. Manipulative.

Lesleyann13 · 11/07/2022 18:27

It’s called hoovering, I fell for it once and lived to regret it. My ex rewrote history too when he moved on with OW. Marriage break ups are hard and I can understand wanting the familiar back but I would definitely keep it moving. He sounds quite cruel to be honest.

ZeroFucksGiven20 · 11/07/2022 18:27

Hell no, he's come back for convenience. The path of least resistance. Had his fun now has he? Tell the bastard to go fuck himself.

CheesusWept · 11/07/2022 18:29

OW has dumped him and that’s why he’s come crawling back.
Tell him to fuck off.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 11/07/2022 18:29

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or believes, you have to be able to move on knowing that you did you best, and able to demonstrate that to your children. Counselling will help you work out if trying again is feasible/wise, or help you to "consciously uncouple" and not blow your worlds apart

I really do get this, but IMO the time for couselling is when any problems start to get a bit much and not when he's decided the answer to them is to leave - and that's if there were problems, rather than him just playing the tomcat

For me the risk of recurrence is just too high, as is the chance of him putting on a show for a counsellor but really thinking "Phew, it worked"

Whatsthestoryboringglory · 11/07/2022 18:30

TotallyUninspired · 11/07/2022 18:12

I am listening. It's not what I want to hear but it's probably what I need to hear.

I have been very much where you are now, without children involved, and let him back in and he did it again. Worse. More fallout, more damage, more messing around and lying and heartbreak.

It’s encouraging you are listening. Please, save yourself from what I went through and get out there and love the life you will have without him. I’ll be cheering you on from the rooftops for doing what I didn’t.

Should mention I’m now in a great long term relationship with a wonderful man. There will be amazing happy things in your future once you get rid of him for good. 💐

ThirtyThreeTrees · 11/07/2022 18:30

I'm not usual vindictive or manipulative but I would be in this situation.

Cheating is bad enough but he even compounded the hurt of that by everything he said to you afterwards.

You aren't in love with him. You are in love with the man he was before he cheated. That is not who he is. He's a very different person to the man you married.

I think now is the ideal time to start negotiating the financial side of the split. If there's any genuine remorse, you'll get the best deal ever. If he's still the asshole he was, his true character will emerge shortly. Take the money and run.

fishingpaintings · 11/07/2022 18:31

No, no, no. He has shown his true colours. He will do it again. His lack of respect for you was not a one-off.

velvetvixen · 11/07/2022 18:33

Once the trash has left the house you don't take it back in, do you?

Runnerduck34 · 11/07/2022 18:34

Another vote for run for the hills!
I can't see how you can trust him after this, the damage is irreparable , how would you ever trust him again? There is a very high probability he would be unfaithful again a couple of years later.
Maybe she's dumped him, maybe he's realised divorce is expensive, maybe his life isn't as great as he thought it would be without you and the kids.
Whatever the reason, accept his apologies, go to separate counselling for yourself but stay strong and rebuild your life without him. As a pp said you are probably in love with the idea of who you thought he was before the split but he isnt that man.
You are over the hard bit, don't let him break your heart again

DowntonCrabby · 11/07/2022 18:34

Haven’t RTFT but I imagine others are of the same opinion.

The fact he gaslit your and rewrote the script is abusive and it’s advised not to enter into counselling with an abuser.

You are worth more than this OP, please please tell us you know you are!!! Flowers

LooseGoose22 · 11/07/2022 18:35

No x 10,0000000000.

AhaLyn · 11/07/2022 18:35

Sorry @TotallyUninspired not read whole thread but I would be dubious that the financial side has not been sorted yet and he is coming out with all this. Protect yourself first and foremost. I would have little pity.

allgoodabc · 11/07/2022 18:35

@TotallyUninspired I have an aunt who took her husband back 20 years ago under these circumstances, it seems like he was never unfaithful again (though I think he did leave twice in total originally. Anyway, despite it being the best possible outcome (got back together, went to counselling, maintained the relationship since then), the consensus is she shouldn’t have taken him back, they seem to have an okayish relationship but it was never fully right again. He was resentful that he could never be the good guy/ have the moral high ground and after the initial euphoria of getting back together and working it out, she lost respect for him, and doesn’t seem to like him very much but still has to cater to him. His children don’t seem to like him all that much either, there’s a lot of tension. They are all grown up so she’s left with him now and not happy about it.

viques · 11/07/2022 18:36

ShandaLear · 11/07/2022 17:58

He’s having to wash his own socks and pants now, and cook his own dinners, and live in a home that’s nowhere near as nice as the one he left. He’ll do it again if he gets something he thinks is a better offer.

Agree, I’ve seen it said on here more than once about cocklodgers that there is no one who falls in love as quickly as someone who is without a home. Not to mention someone without those little comforts like a bed warmer, clothes washer, cleaner, cook, built in baby sitter, a comfy sofa, a big telly, a sky tv package……..

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 11/07/2022 18:37

AnyFucker · 11/07/2022 17:19

You would be a fool to fall for that bollocks

One of two things has happened here 1) the OW has binned him for the prick he is or 2) far too late he has realised the grass is not greener

Send him a voice clip of “A little time” by the Beautiful South and don’t let anyone treat you like that and walk back into your life like nothing happened.

beautiful.

<chef's kiss>

RincewindsHat · 11/07/2022 18:38

Hell no.

It fell apart after 2 weeks but it's taken him how long to come crawling back to you admitting he knows his behaviour was shitty and he wants to come back?

No.

A thousand times no.

Why would you want to allow someone so manipulative, actively unkind, deceitful and unpleasant back into your home? He made his bed, he can go lie in it. If you really want to start things up again and see how it goes, make him live in his own house while you figure things out at a minimum.