Mind. Blown.

[TotallyUninspired]

Some of you may remember my previous thread. Back in March I found out that my husband was having an affair with a much younger (also married) woman. He was very cruel to me in the months leading up to me finding out and brutal after I found out - saying she offered things that I didn't, that I was boring, that it was my fault because blah blah blah. It felt like if he could have blamed me for the Challenger explosion and the Exxon Valdez oil spill he would have.

Off he went, leaving the children and I broken-hearted. I gave up trying to reason with him very quickly and have maintained as little contact as possible with him ever since, with him constantly pushing for friendly chats and cups of tea that I absolutely do not want to have. We've sorted out a childcare arrangement but the financial stuff is unresolved as yet.

Today I got home from dropping the kids off to find him outside. He wants to come back. He's never stopped loving me, apparently, he was just having some kind of mental health crisis and I am the only person he can truly be himself with. He says that he fully takes responsibility for the affair and for destroying our marriage, that he will never forgive himself and his life isn't worth living now. He doesn't want OW, he says - they only lasted for about 2 weeks after he left and he could then see she was completely unsuited to him. He admits he rewrote history and that we had a good marriage and says it was his own insecurity that led him to this. He is having counselling to try and address his issues and asked if there was any way I would give him another chance.

I am so fucking bewildered. I don't know what on earth to do. It felt like validation to have him admit all those things but it could never be the same relationship again. Not to mention the fact that my family all absolutely despise him now (and rightly so). I do still love him but I don't know if I can get past the lack of love and respect he showed me and, above all, there is the fear that it could happen again.

I've agreed to go to a joint counselling session with him, and that's all I've agreed to. I don't know if our relationship is in any way salvageable but, at the very least, if it leads to a more amicable parting of the ways that would be positive.

I couldn’t take him back.

He left you for what he thought was a better option but it fell apart asap. Imagine how he’ll behave when another more solid option comes along?

Like, he didn’t leave you for the love of his life, he happily trotted away after a fling and let you in the proverbial ditch.

"The other woman kicked me out because she was not willing to put up with my BS and you're the only person willing to put up with please take me again!"

Were his actions a moment of madness, out of character, a blip in an otherwise good relationship or did it feel like part of a pattern and unsurprising when it happened? You need to judge whether he has what it takes to come back and be a decent father and husband. You also need to weigh up your own feelings. Could you forgive this or did it sever something that can never be mended. I recommend you do some thinking and listen to your gut instinct.

I think I would try and take advantage of this new side of him to set up a good coparenting relationship, perhaps use the counseling as a platform to get that going. Be clear that you cannot see getting back together on the cards but that youre looking forward to genuinely getting on well for the kids. Keep your more personal cards close to your chest and definitely don't let him back in as a partner. If he proved himself 5 years down the line and you still wanted then maybe, but that'll never happen so is basically moot.

I would skip getting vindictive or vengeful. The best outcome here is a peaceful and happy life for you and the kids. Him pissed off and angry in the background will make that hard, as tempting as it is to lash out after the immense hurt he caused.

He was very cruel to me in the months leading up to me finding out and brutal after I found out

This is what you need to keep remembering ‘cos that is his true self right there.

How’s the contact with the children going, incidentally? Because another thing that can fit with having to do your own washing and cook all your dinners… suddenly finding that you have to actively parent and entertain your children.

He may always have been great at those things of course - but he honest with yourself about it.

Has he maintained frequent and good quality contact and paid maintenance fairly? All reasons to tell him to get to fuck, if not.

I really like this part of @StopStartStop's post.

"A lot of them do this. I expected it after I threw my ex out, and sure enough, it happened. I told him if we got back together, it wouldn't work as we'd both be looking for something better. I don't think it had occurred to him that he wasn't everything I'd ever dreamed of."

OP, you never dreamt of a husband who'd be cruel, run off to another woman, lay all the blame on you, and leave all of you heartbroken. Even if he'd been near perfect before, your husband did all of that. And now is reframing it as having had a 'mental health crisis' as if that lessens the betrayal.

...if we got back together, it wouldn't work as we'd both be looking for something better.

I think this way of thinking about the future and what we want for ourselves is spot on. Is this man still the husband (and father) of our dreams?

I've agreed to go to a joint counselling session with him

No, no, no, no, no.

Even if he doesn't go for another " grass is greener and you're a c* nt who caused all this" again in the few years, what he's done should not be forgiven.

Exactly. The manipulative, selfish twat.

He disrespected you and treated you like nothing. He left you and the children. Quite happily.
He is only back as he split with OW and hasn't found anyone else. So BACK to his second best/back up option

Do you want to be the back up? If your friend came to you with this what would you advise?

Take time to think about what you want but for Gods sake don’t go to counselling with him! Why do you need to be party to his self pitying ramblings? Let him go and get his own head straight and take some fucking responsibility without inflicting it on you.

If he’s really mentally unwell and very sorry, he can go off and do the work to get himself well and show you he’s a big boy who can stand his ego up on two strong legs…and come back in 6 months or a year and see how YOU feel then.

My feeling is he won’t go for that. You’ll get more self pitying crybaby bullshit which will turn to self righteous anger and blame directed at YOU if you don’t play along nicely with what he’s now decided he wants.

Look after your own needs.

mental health crisis

A cheater bingo favourite.

PP saying "hes lying" etc - you have no idea. Only OP knows. Why stick the boot in when she's made it clear it's made her feel validated?

I think I'd go back, but on my terms.

Just be aware if you take him back your family will still hate him.
The chances of him being invited to family events possibly nil.

The horrible words he used when he left you and his children, would always play on my mind.

He found the grass wasn't greener..

And in this instance, what would your terms be?

Just say no.

I remember your thread, OP. He said you were scared of life and that he could only find joy and happiness with the other woman, it was unbelievably, horribly cruel. You are still the same person though, albeit one that's been knocked sideways by the end of her marriage, so why does he think you are you fine to be with now but you weren't then? Because I fear he'll use the same excuse again when the next OW comes along, because if you let him get away with it once by taking him back now, the chances of history repeating are high. Do you really want to put your DC through him walking out again?

If you do do counselling, he needs to be 100% honest with you, starting with confirming that she dumped him and not the other way round. Because if they only lasted two weeks, why did he wait until now to declare undying love?

Am also interested in these terms.

Spots. Their. Doesn't. Leopard. A. Change.

Make sentence from these words. Don't pick him because you want your old life back. He will destroy you again and again. Don't waste your money on counselling - save it for your divorce - much better value.

I wouldn't let him anywhere near. He was cruel and unfeeling when it suited his ends, now he's acting remorseful when it suits his ends. This is all about him, you're just the supporting player in his story. And he will betray you again if you let him come back. What a snake he is.

Christ have some self respect. Tell him to fuck off and move forward living a life where you value yourself.

Please don't lower yourself by taking him back.

One part of me is saying I'm all for second chances. However, any more phuck ups that's it. Yes he made a bad a very bad and stupid decision hands up those of that haven't. Deep down you must want to salvage things or you'd never have agreed to go to even one Relationship counselling with him

However another part of me is saying "Oh was phucking off and leaving you heart broken to sh*g someone not quite the lark he imagined.
He's made his bed he can lay in it. Lets be honest as much as you may still love him you're never going to be able to trust him again and I'll be honest

1. Read chump lady. She has a lot of insight into entitled cheaters. www.chumplady.com/arguments-against-reconciliation/
2. I wouldn’t recommend going to counselling with him. I would however, recommend you go on your own, to work through what you really want for yourself.
3. If he had a go at you for changing your mind about going to counselling with him, look him square in the eye and say, “Yes, it’s horrible when people break promises, isn’t it”.
4. carry on sorting the financials and progressing the divorce. If you’re meant to be together, you can always date and remarry in the future. If not, then get the best deal you can for your children. He won’t play nicely for long (or at all).

Sorry posted too quickly.

Your distrust would be understandable he's done it before who can guarantee he won't do I again.