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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ye gods it's bleak out there

258 replies

Redridinghood22 · 06/07/2022 11:05

Apologies for another OLD thread but I'm really talking myself off a ledge this morning.

Single for approx six months and OLD. Open minded about meeting someone a little different from my usual "type" and so I really try to look for the positives in someone's profile and not discount them straight away. I set myself quite a wide age-range of 10 years in either direction and a fairly wide geographical radius.

All that in mind, these appear to be the options available to me as a 30-something professional woman:

  1. Scruffy men in old tshirts and shorts, often with very unkempt and wiry facial hair.
  2. Grown men who constantly refer to Marvel, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings or Disney.
  3. The usual cliches who presume that their favourite pizza topping, Uber rating or the fact that they "love to travel" is the most interesting thing about them.
  4. Insistence on "being able to give as good as you get" or have "savage banter".
  5. Stating that he'll buy the first round on a date provided "the next one's on you". How bloody unnecessary and off-putting. That's surely the point of rounds, no?
  6. Moody-faced up-the-nose selfies, with their hoodies up, or photos taken in the men's urinals.
  7. Mentioning sex or the devil horns emoji at every opportnity in their profile
  8. Stories about how absolutely paralytic they get whilst drinking and stupid things they've done whilst under the influence.
  9. Describing their perfect Sunday as recovering from a hangover, Netflix & chill.
As if I wasn't already missing my ex.

Admittedly there are valid reasons why we didn't work out but my God what I wouldn't do to have him back right now with his nice manners, normal conversation, and clean clothes 😭

I need to get off OLD don't I. I just don't know where else to meet people and don't fancy cultivating a male-dominated hobby purely for the sake of trying to meet someone...

OP posts:
sleepymum50 · 06/07/2022 11:13

I have never been on OLD, but I’m over 60 and have decided to try and avoid men altogether. Especially middle aged and older. Im just so done with the patriarchy.

I feel sorry for you as you are only in your thirty’s. I’m sorry I have no advice for you, but can only commiserate.

My favourite saying: Men. They’re just not sending their best.

Firesidefox · 06/07/2022 11:16

I'm sorry. That sounds awful.

TibetanTerrah · 06/07/2022 11:19

To give you an idea of what is to come. I've been OLD since summer 2020.

2 years on, I'm going on a 4th date with a guy I've met, this weekend.

He's got 4x further than any other date (and there's been many). They're worse in person. Ive had some shocking dates over the last two years and they never got a second!

cafcass123 · 06/07/2022 11:24

All the good ones are taken OP.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/07/2022 11:28

cafcass123 · 06/07/2022 11:24

All the good ones are taken OP.

Pretty much, and the good ones who aren't don't do OLD. They don't need to.

JerkintheMerkin · 06/07/2022 11:28

I agree with @cafcass123. Only the dregs are left.

HelenMirrensWeightedBlanket · 06/07/2022 11:52

I did OLD on and off for 20 long painful years. If DP and I ever split up, I’m staying single forever. Sorry, not much help!

Pinkbonbon · 06/07/2022 12:05

It's pretty grim out there yeah.

Im of the opinion that Online dating should only be done for a week or two at a time. Talk to some folk and once you've found one or two that seem half decent, invite them for a coffee within a couple of chats. Once you've lined up those dates, come off the dating ap. If they dont work out, try again in three-six months.

If you stay on it all the time it'll fry your head.

But tbf, if you've only been single six months, what's the rush? Hope you don't mean you've been on there those whole six months too? Because that would fuck with your head big time. Let alone just out of a relationship.

Small doses, that's the key.

5thWisdom · 06/07/2022 12:15

I agree with the small doses. In the past year, I have joined and rejoined Hinge about 12 times. In that time, I had one brief coffee with a man who, whilst on that date, told me that I would catch worms if I bit my fingernails. I didn't meet him again.

I rejoined last week and I've received a few likes, 2 half-hearted messaging back and forth, one just interested in sexting, and - a first for me - a like from a 'gentleman' - when I clicked on it to view who had liked me - his main profile picture read - 'I'll be into you... (Hinge prompt) - followed by his response

'As long as you're NOT A CUNT'.

These are all men within the 35-50 age bracket. OP, I feel your pain. I'm with you, I also have no idea where else to meet decent men.

Mememene · 06/07/2022 12:24

I met my last partner via OLD, had a wonderful two and half years which I wouldn't have missed for the world. The last six months were awful. It's all gone belly up now and I'm back on OLD.

I've remained friends with one chap I met about 5 years ago via OLD and we chat daily since I've split.

There are plenty of total eejits on there who are best totally dodged, I don't go on it daily though just dip in and out of it.

Iamnotamermaid · 06/07/2022 12:31

You need a very thick skin, be prepared to uphold your standards & spot the wasters & pen pal types early on.

Saw a TED talk about a woman who only did 5 minute coffee dates initially to decide whether she could actually cope with a 3 hour meal with them. Most failed the first test.

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 06/07/2022 12:43

That sounds so depressing. I met some seriously crap men on OLD and gave up. One weekend I had a moment of weakness and set up a profile again, then an hour later hid the account. Apart from the usual influx of wankers, I'd had a lovely message.

I've been with my DP for 5yrs or so now, but if it ever ended I think id stay on my own. I couldn't be bothered going through it all because it sounds like these OLD men don't get any better with age.

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 06/07/2022 14:01

Don’t give up hope, Red. There are still good men out there.

Some who don’t interest you at first glance may be worth persevering with. They may be better than their profile seems, if they have eg poor social skills, or lack confidence, or be superficially less attractive than others, or make clumsy efforts to impress. If you meet a few times you may see past their clumsiness or irritating mannerisms. (Obviously I’m thinking of nice genuine guys, and the big question is how to sift those out from the porn-addled misogynists.)

I was single again in late 30s, decades ago, after a long relationship ended. Under time pressure as I linked to have a baby. I wasn’t expecting the easy social whirl of my 20s, but even so I was amazed how few options I had. And how the few available men all seemed to be weirdos, woman-haters or, well, as you described in your list.

I think it’s partly that in your 30s, everyone your age seems to be coupled up. Earlier they’re all single; later plenty are divorced, and divorced men are more out there than their ex-wives who have main responsibility for their children.

The equivalent of OLD back then, I tried lonely-hearts adverts, evening classes, dance clubs with female friends, interest groups, political talks and meetings.

Met a few creeps and possible predators, but only had these one-off meetings in public so I wasn’t in danger. Had brief relationships with one man who first love-bombed and them froze me out, and another whose only sexual interest was receiving blow jobs. Red-hot passion with a man I met at a leftie meeting, but reluctantly ended it as he was adamant he never wanted children. (A year later he married his pregnant next girlfriend — bastard!)

I finally met my lovely DH in our 40s, through mutual friends. That is a very good way to meet someone who are likely to be decent and at least a bit compatible, as he meets your friends’ standards. But bless him, after our first evening together with our matchmaking friends, he rang me and asked “Did you know they were trying to set us up?” as if he was shocked at the deception! If I’d been embarrassed, he might have killed it on the spot. Luckily I laughed, and have got used to his innocent bluntness during 20 happy years together.

Oops, didn’t mean to write an essay. Best of luck, OP and all who are where I was then.

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 06/07/2022 14:04

as I linked to have a baby — as I longed to have a baby!

Why is it called Autocorrect, when it Autowritesgibberish?

orangebasin · 06/07/2022 14:14

I don’t have any advice just wanted to say this sounds very bleak indeed

Thisisworsethananticpated · 06/07/2022 14:36

I have seen this and more
and yet I’ve met some nice guys
now I didn’t end up dating them all long term but they were nice guys and we chatted , dated , met

it might be you only get one hit in 100

and it depends when you are
but the filtering is time consuming and draining

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 06/07/2022 14:58

What is this, Tinder?

Blushingm · 06/07/2022 15:31

I had some horrendous dates!!

One was the dad in Family guy personified

One wanted to lick my teeth and wore slippers and as I was leaving pulled his trousers down to show a disgusting looking but tiny erect penis

Another was a mental health nurse who was a complete liar and liability and should have been a patient

I met one guy at the beginning of may after having chatted for a month and I'm still seeing him.....early days but it's further than anyone else so 🤷🏻‍♀️

TheYearOfSmallThings · 06/07/2022 15:40

I had one brief coffee with a man who, whilst on that date, told me that I would catch worms if I bit my fingernails. I didn't meet him again.

See that wouldn't bother me - it's the sort of thing I might say on an awkward first date (as you can imagine, there have been a few). And as the guy edges toward the door trying not to look repulsed, I would be thinking "What? It's true!"

FemmeNatal · 06/07/2022 15:43

I know a few single men who I think most people would be happy to date (nice looking, educated, considerate, in professional jobs) but I don’t think that they use online dating,

It does seem to be something of a last-chance option for a lot of people.

stayingpositiveifpossible · 06/07/2022 16:26

sleepymum50 · 06/07/2022 11:13

I have never been on OLD, but I’m over 60 and have decided to try and avoid men altogether. Especially middle aged and older. Im just so done with the patriarchy.

I feel sorry for you as you are only in your thirty’s. I’m sorry I have no advice for you, but can only commiserate.

My favourite saying: Men. They’re just not sending their best.

Can I join you in this club? I am nearing 60 myself...and would say exactly the same...i.e. 'I'm so done with the patriarchy...etc'

Fenella123 · 06/07/2022 16:28

You poor thing! You only have to meet the right one for you once, though.

Casper10 · 06/07/2022 17:43

cafcass123 · 06/07/2022 11:24

All the good ones are taken OP.

From a male perspective you could make the same argument.

I don't think this is entirely true. I think a lot of the issue is the way OLD operates.

MinglingFlamingo · 06/07/2022 17:47

I agree op it's grim out there on OLD!

Equally if I have to here another smug married person tell me how they met they're wonderful oh 10 years ago in a bar. I will scream. It doesn't work like that anymore

fedup078 · 06/07/2022 17:48

Yep that's why I'm not going to bother and will probably be single til I die now