Ye gods it's bleak out there

[Redridinghood22]

Apologies for another OLD thread but I'm really talking myself off a ledge this morning.

Single for approx six months and OLD. Open minded about meeting someone a little different from my usual "type" and so I really try to look for the positives in someone's profile and not discount them straight away. I set myself quite a wide age-range of 10 years in either direction and a fairly wide geographical radius.

All that in mind, these appear to be the options available to me as a 30-something professional woman:

1. Scruffy men in old tshirts and shorts, often with very unkempt and wiry facial hair.
2. Grown men who constantly refer to Marvel, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings or Disney.
3. The usual cliches who presume that their favourite pizza topping, Uber rating or the fact that they "love to travel" is the most interesting thing about them.
4. Insistence on "being able to give as good as you get" or have "savage banter".
5. Stating that he'll buy the first round on a date provided "the next one's on you". How bloody unnecessary and off-putting. That's surely the point of rounds, no?
6. Moody-faced up-the-nose selfies, with their hoodies up, or photos taken in the men's urinals.
7. Mentioning sex or the devil horns emoji at every opportnity in their profile
8. Stories about how absolutely paralytic they get whilst drinking and stupid things they've done whilst under the influence.
9. Describing their perfect Sunday as recovering from a hangover, Netflix & chill.

As if I wasn't already missing my ex.

Admittedly there are valid reasons why we didn't work out but my God what I wouldn't do to have him back right now with his nice manners, normal conversation, and clean clothes 😭

I need to get off OLD don't I. I just don't know where else to meet people and don't fancy cultivating a male-dominated hobby purely for the sake of trying to meet someone...

@Hrpuffnstuff1 I used old last year! Millions of matches, 1000s of sexual messages, 100s of dick pics!
Maybe it's just that women are not as sleezy as men on the apps?

@Ombres there's a hummus thread? Wow! There do seem to be an awful lot of men on this thread

It’s a thread about dating. I presume we’re dating so have an interest/opinion

@FluffyFluffMonster I was just hoping to be able to provide a bit of useful input. I thought a variety of viewpoints might be useful. I apologise if I've contributed to making the thread feel unbalanced - certainly not my intention!

Everyone is welcome but I don't think men should be saying women aren't desirable after the age of thirty! And if the poster who said that didn't agree then why say so in the first place?
How about you men call this bullshit out?
Also men shouldn't be using this thread to ask about their on line profile.
Peace and love men!

Nope never received any dick pics thankfully, never sent any either.
Which apps?

FluffyFluffMonster
@Ombres there's a hummus thread? Wow! There do seem to be an awful lot of men on this thread

"It’s a thread about dating. I presume we’re dating so have an interest/opinion"

Men are welcome, but there's a disproportionately high number of them on the dating threads with their opinions. Haven't spotted any on the hummus thread. 🤔

Must be me being cynical...

@FluffyFluffMonster I was shocked by the things one of the men wrote earlier in the thread, but I arrived after he'd already gone. I'm happy to try to call out any future bullshit arriving on this thread! My wife is in her early 40s (like me) and I think she's very desirable.

I think you’re misunderstanding. I (can’t speak for the others) is saying that yes, the reasesrch shows that in general men prefer younger women, women prefer other attributes that men develop later. The quoted research defines this preference as “desirability”, but it’s just saying that’s what people prefer.

I don’t think anyone is saying that objectively older women have less value or are less desirable

I assume that is aimed at me.

At no point did I say women weren't desirable after 30. As usual these threads take a life of their own. Projection and picking out the worse bits.

I'd challenged the comment msn only appear on these types of threads. Look at the pile on you get on the dadsnet part of the forum when the baying mob that never otheewise post on that part of the forum get a whiff of a 'Disney Dad' or 'Deadbeat dad'.

I’ll pop over but my hummus opinion is both limited and uninformed I’m afraid. I tend to only join in when I have a bit of experience

im game for a try though 😀

Likewise, I’d hope he wasn’t representative of the blokes on mumsnet.

The financial cost of divorce is hardly something that only affects men. I'm still trying to claw my way back financially from mine and additionally I was the one who paid every penny of the fees as my controlling XH refused to contribute. (It was worth it, though!)

Dating, relationships, and the breakdown thereof can be difficult for anyone.

Is that the fees related to the cost of the divorce?

In a situation when there are kids involved it usually falls disproportionately on the man as he leaves the family home usually, has cms to pay and new accommodation to find.

Because the interesting men are out living their lives to the fullest instead of swiping on a phone.

Join some groups around things you are interested in and meet someone and make a real connection. You're right about online daring, I'm an interesting and attractive person, as such I've never needed to use online dating as I have a life that brings me into contact with many people.

So are you saying to all the women on here that use online dating that they are not interesting and attractive? Or is it just the men?

Scruffy -because they're basement dwellers. Interesting people are out doing things, not hanging about online.

Infantilised men - again, a product of online social life.

THOSE ARE the most interesting things about them, that's why

Rude men who don't want to provide for a family or treat their girlfriend - completely out of touch and entitled -from living a life online.

They sound completely socially inept..... which they are as they're not there meeting people.

They're looking for cheap sexual thrills.

It's okay if you think this means you're also not interesting if you're on there. It's okay, you can get out there and do things instead and become interesting.

I think women are delusional with very low standards and believe men who are online are also out doing interesting things as many women probably are. Not sure about you but I use the internet quite a lot despite having an active social life. I find with men it's usually one or the other.

So are you saying to all the women on here that use online dating that they are not interesting and attractive? Or is it just the men?

I'd like to know that, too @everythingssogrey

I'm not dating, or planning to, but my hobbies are majority female and I currently work from home. I'd imagine many are in a similar position if they're considering online dating.

women are left doing most of the child rearing! I'm a lone parent so time is important to me as I don't have it to waste!
I don't have time to commit to anything social! And before anyone says I don't have time for old. I'm not on any apps.

"In a situation when there are kids involved it usually falls disproportionately on the man as he leaves the family home usually, has cms to pay and new accommodation to find."

Surely then they'd be better to get their lives sorted, get a home so can properly share care equally and reduce the CMS payments, and maybe get some counselling cos divorce is stressful. All before launching themselves on OLD.

OLD is very widely used by people these days. It's hardly just for those who don't have a life.

Casper10, both partners upon divorce are likely to suffer financially, especially the higher earner or one who provides less childcare.

If there are children involved, both parents will be expected to contribute to the costs of the children being raised. It would be pretty shitty of any parent to avoid that and if you've got young children, you can hardly expect there to not be a cost to raising them, regardless of whether the parents have remained together or not.

If one parent sacrificed part of their own earnings and career opportunities in order to provide childcare, there may additionally be compensation for that, because the other partner has benefited by being able to take advantage of the free, reliable childcare, and the other one may need assistance keeping the children provided for while their earnings potential catches up.

One partner may have had to move out of the marital home and find new housing, but the one remaining in it then presumably has to bear the costs of maintaining and paying for the original home. Barring payments from the higher earning partner whose career has benefited from aforementioned childcare.

Every couple's circumstances will be different as there are many factors, e.g. number of children, if any children have SN, career trajectories, etc. But raising children is going to be costly for any divorced parent....any parent at all, for that matter. That's a risk you run by having them!

The broad outline I'm trying to get across is that men aren't singled out for victimisation in this area. You pay for the CHILDREN you were responsible for helping to bring into the world. Or to help a partner get back into the workforce after their career sacrifices supported your own earnings.

I've never taken a penny off my ex in any way as we earn about the same amount and we divide our child's expenses evenly between us. My career has taken a bit of a hit from mat leave etc, but I can get by without taking money off him and I prefer it that way. It is a constant worry because life is expensive and I don't have a partner to split living expenses with. But them's the breaks, as they say....

I'm not unsympathetic to the challenge of finding a new partner under these circumstances. I'm just saying it's not bloody unique to men!

Omg it’s not just me. I thought it was a byproduct of being in a rural area. I’m 31, fit, solvent, outgoing etc.

It is DIRE!

I posted on another thread about my latest first date last weekend.The guy broke wind in front of me and had brought his overnight bag! It was a first meeting ffs.

I’ve also been called a dyke by someone who I politely rejected (I have short hair) who then laid into me for specifying on my hinge profile that I didn’t want children. His parting shot? ‘Enjoy your spinster life’. Reader, he still lived at home.

My other peeves:

• tattoos as a hobby or statement of personality
• ’if you wanna know more, just ask’
• my kids are my world/my kids are amazing/my kids come first la la la
• IG/Snapchat handles
• middle fingers in photos. I mean, what the eff?
• hating on tories/specifying pineapple on pizza preference

I could go on.

You need such a thick skin and I agree with the other poster who said to use OLD in short bursts to preserve your sanity. I may follow this advice.

And I relate to longing for my ex who didn’t have any of the above qualities and could offer something more substantial than ‘hi how are you’ upon our first exchange.

Alas, he was a pain too! Onwards.

So solidarity, ladies. And to hell with you, flowery sheet fella. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t comforted by the knowledge it’s not just me. But my god do we deserve better.

This sounds like heaven to me!!!

Please put my name down for the commune. Sounds marvellous.