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Original poster

Ye gods it's bleak out there

258 replies

Redridinghood22 · 06/07/2022 11:05

Apologies for another OLD thread but I'm really talking myself off a ledge this morning.

Single for approx six months and OLD. Open minded about meeting someone a little different from my usual "type" and so I really try to look for the positives in someone's profile and not discount them straight away. I set myself quite a wide age-range of 10 years in either direction and a fairly wide geographical radius.

All that in mind, these appear to be the options available to me as a 30-something professional woman:

  1. Scruffy men in old tshirts and shorts, often with very unkempt and wiry facial hair.
  2. Grown men who constantly refer to Marvel, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings or Disney.
  3. The usual cliches who presume that their favourite pizza topping, Uber rating or the fact that they "love to travel" is the most interesting thing about them.
  4. Insistence on "being able to give as good as you get" or have "savage banter".
  5. Stating that he'll buy the first round on a date provided "the next one's on you". How bloody unnecessary and off-putting. That's surely the point of rounds, no?
  6. Moody-faced up-the-nose selfies, with their hoodies up, or photos taken in the men's urinals.
  7. Mentioning sex or the devil horns emoji at every opportnity in their profile
  8. Stories about how absolutely paralytic they get whilst drinking and stupid things they've done whilst under the influence.
  9. Describing their perfect Sunday as recovering from a hangover, Netflix & chill.
As if I wasn't already missing my ex.

Admittedly there are valid reasons why we didn't work out but my God what I wouldn't do to have him back right now with his nice manners, normal conversation, and clean clothes 😭

I need to get off OLD don't I. I just don't know where else to meet people and don't fancy cultivating a male-dominated hobby purely for the sake of trying to meet someone...

OP posts:
Casper10 · 08/07/2022 19:18

CousinKrispy · 08/07/2022 17:52

OLD is very widely used by people these days. It's hardly just for those who don't have a life.

Casper10, both partners upon divorce are likely to suffer financially, especially the higher earner or one who provides less childcare.

If there are children involved, both parents will be expected to contribute to the costs of the children being raised. It would be pretty shitty of any parent to avoid that and if you've got young children, you can hardly expect there to not be a cost to raising them, regardless of whether the parents have remained together or not.

If one parent sacrificed part of their own earnings and career opportunities in order to provide childcare, there may additionally be compensation for that, because the other partner has benefited by being able to take advantage of the free, reliable childcare, and the other one may need assistance keeping the children provided for while their earnings potential catches up.

One partner may have had to move out of the marital home and find new housing, but the one remaining in it then presumably has to bear the costs of maintaining and paying for the original home. Barring payments from the higher earning partner whose career has benefited from aforementioned childcare.

Every couple's circumstances will be different as there are many factors, e.g. number of children, if any children have SN, career trajectories, etc. But raising children is going to be costly for any divorced parent....any parent at all, for that matter. That's a risk you run by having them!

The broad outline I'm trying to get across is that men aren't singled out for victimisation in this area. You pay for the CHILDREN you were responsible for helping to bring into the world. Or to help a partner get back into the workforce after their career sacrifices supported your own earnings.

I've never taken a penny off my ex in any way as we earn about the same amount and we divide our child's expenses evenly between us. My career has taken a bit of a hit from mat leave etc, but I can get by without taking money off him and I prefer it that way. It is a constant worry because life is expensive and I don't have a partner to split living expenses with. But them's the breaks, as they say....

I'm not unsympathetic to the challenge of finding a new partner under these circumstances. I'm just saying it's not bloody unique to men!

I agree with most of what you say.

Your situation seems the kind of ideal in the sense of shared parenting and work. I say that also acknowledging that it won't necessarily be easy financially.

I think on balance marriage clearly benefits men. But I think on balance divorce hits men disproportionately. The reason being that while your situation may be the ideal it's far from the norm.

If you're outside the family home and you can't sell it (because amongst other things the kids need somewhere to live) your capital is tied up so your housing options are limited. I've been fortunate in being able to buy somewhere recently about 3 and a half years after separation but suspect I'm far from the norm. I earn well above average salary for the part of the country I live but I've dated single Mother's working part time and earning less than myself yet they are better off. As you mention every situation is different but there was something upthread bemoaning men that are divorced having no money. All I'm saying is from my experience it's not surprising.

I know the behaviours of many men with OLD is crap and I wish there was a better alternative all round

OhLordyWhatNow · 08/07/2022 19:26

Not bemoaning divorced men with no money.

Bemoaning men who are not financially stable and blame their ex partner for it.

You can have a very tight budget but live within your means.

I shouldn't think anyone on OLD wants to be viewed as a home and meal ticket by a man that can't get his shit together.

WomanHere · 08/07/2022 20:07

Since my divorce I have dabbled in OLD and can definitely confirm that men do not peak in their 40-50s! If you want good sex from a man in this age range go for the non-drinkers/non-smokers, that keep fit.

I am certainly not down on men, as a mother to both boys and girls but can only recommend OLD for sex and nothing serious.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 08/07/2022 20:28

WomanHere · 08/07/2022 20:07

Since my divorce I have dabbled in OLD and can definitely confirm that men do not peak in their 40-50s! If you want good sex from a man in this age range go for the non-drinkers/non-smokers, that keep fit.

I am certainly not down on men, as a mother to both boys and girls but can only recommend OLD for sex and nothing serious.

Abstinence from alcohol and smoking stands one in good stead whatever the age.
However I noticed other men in my age range have aged badly due to vices.
Serves them right.😂😂

blackgreywhite · 09/07/2022 01:01

CousinKrispy · 08/07/2022 17:52

OLD is very widely used by people these days. It's hardly just for those who don't have a life.

Casper10, both partners upon divorce are likely to suffer financially, especially the higher earner or one who provides less childcare.

If there are children involved, both parents will be expected to contribute to the costs of the children being raised. It would be pretty shitty of any parent to avoid that and if you've got young children, you can hardly expect there to not be a cost to raising them, regardless of whether the parents have remained together or not.

If one parent sacrificed part of their own earnings and career opportunities in order to provide childcare, there may additionally be compensation for that, because the other partner has benefited by being able to take advantage of the free, reliable childcare, and the other one may need assistance keeping the children provided for while their earnings potential catches up.

One partner may have had to move out of the marital home and find new housing, but the one remaining in it then presumably has to bear the costs of maintaining and paying for the original home. Barring payments from the higher earning partner whose career has benefited from aforementioned childcare.

Every couple's circumstances will be different as there are many factors, e.g. number of children, if any children have SN, career trajectories, etc. But raising children is going to be costly for any divorced parent....any parent at all, for that matter. That's a risk you run by having them!

The broad outline I'm trying to get across is that men aren't singled out for victimisation in this area. You pay for the CHILDREN you were responsible for helping to bring into the world. Or to help a partner get back into the workforce after their career sacrifices supported your own earnings.

I've never taken a penny off my ex in any way as we earn about the same amount and we divide our child's expenses evenly between us. My career has taken a bit of a hit from mat leave etc, but I can get by without taking money off him and I prefer it that way. It is a constant worry because life is expensive and I don't have a partner to split living expenses with. But them's the breaks, as they say....

I'm not unsympathetic to the challenge of finding a new partner under these circumstances. I'm just saying it's not bloody unique to men!

He's not here to get educated.
He's here to educate us.

Although to be fair I had no idea there was a Dadsnet section zero interest for me

TwoPaws · 10/07/2022 10:50

I thought your opening post was great OP! Totally empathise as it’s been my experience too. I’ve tried Online dating several times in the last 18 years. I’m 62 now. The available men I saw (and occasionally met or short-term dated) just
made me feel full of fear for the future of humanity. Such was the level of delusion, stupidity and worse. It was just depressing! I think posters are right - most nice, eligible men will simply not use OLD, or only for a very short time. So it probably does completely attract the dregs in the game of numbers. Shame this thread was derailed by men with their issues, but such an interesting thread otherwise.

Personally I only came across the craziest men in OLD. Deluded, entitled or mad, take your pick. One really needs to be careful in my opinion. Keep it short and take your time getting to know. Chuck out the (dangerous) idiots at any first negative signs. Or simply prioritise yourself, your own life and either 1. use it as a small aside with few expectations 2. not bother with it at all.

But I think 2 might be hard for younger women who still want a romantic life and companion but are not particularly sociable in general eg limitations in personal circumstances. Anyway you sound great OP, your posts a tour de force (as many others on here, especially earlier ones in thread).

TwoPaws · 10/07/2022 10:57

Also, avoiding the pen pal type, another sub section of time wasters.

MinglingFlamingo · 10/07/2022 12:20

TwoPaws · 10/07/2022 10:57

Also, avoiding the pen pal type, another sub section of time wasters.

I have fallen into this trap far too many times 🤦‍♀️

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