In laws doing my head in, midlife crisis and what to do next?

[Onceuponawhileago]

Hello good people of Mumsnet. Long term user - namechanged.

I'm M 49 and my wife is 50. Together 23 years, two kids 15 and 12.
I come from a different background than my wife, mine is working class, history of sexual abuse and subsequent addiction and alcohol issues. I went through many years of counselling and addiction suport and got better.

My wife comes from a wealthy background- in our relationship we are pretty good together. We share children stuff, I do most of the cleaning, house organising and any ongoing repairs etc as its an old house. My wife is not really into cleaning and more messy than me, I figure that cleanliness matters to me so I do it for me rather than have arguments about it. Cannot get a cleaner - too remote.

Years ago we started living close to her parents- their house is on a farm, ours on the farm too and so we see them most days. I would say her parents are essentially kind but not very empthatic, tone deaf sometimes and oblivious to poorer people and especially my kind of background. Often they just 'dont understand' why we dont have a cleaner or repair the house etc. Its because we are on average salaries living in a house that requires more upkeep than we can afford. My wife will inherit a lot of money so in a way she feels she should stay close to her parents and also its her family home and will inherit farm etc.

Her parents farm the land but badly so lots of stuff falling down etc. They want full contol of their farm and are gettting more difficult as they age so wont accept suggestions of getting in help on the farm even though they have millions in the bank and could easily pay for a nicer life.

I'm not money motivated, happy in my job, grew up with very little.

I am really worn down by constantly having in laws in my life- every day, thinking about how we will manage as they get older, how we will get them to accept help etc.

My wife just trudges on, is happy to just be as is.
I have a fantasy of a smaller house, no in laws, less cleaning and an easier, smaller and peaceful life.

I dont think I want to seperate- thats a big price to pay for a simple life plus impact on kids. Because I grew up with very little I have no attachment to this place or to wealth.

Happy for advice.

Have you actually talked to your wife about all of this?

@Aquamarine1029 Yes, many times. I think we might need to explore it with a counsellor tho. She gets upset - says she feels guilty that it impacts on me but that kids love living here etc. TBF it is great for my kids, they both have ponies and can have them here.
She also says it is her family home, so many memories etc. Because I grew up with little I am very ambivilent about material things and value a peacful life more. I am more comfoirtable with change and would happily move anywhere tomorrow - even another contry. She is different. Once we discuss we never reach a solution and she gets upset so we dont talk it through.

She gets upset - says she feels guilty that it impacts on me but that kids love living here etc. TBF it is great for my kids

Perhaps what's best for your children should take precedence for now. They won't be at home for all that much longer, and then you and your wife will have many, many options to explore. I can't blame her for not wanting to uproot your kids just because you think you can somehow have a more peaceful life somewhere else, whatever that even means.

If her parents are annoying you, then tell her you are taking a big step back in terms of your interactions with them.

Fair points. Kids are here until college which is 6 years roughly. I guess I may have to address how I relate to the situation in that time. I'm not looking to uproot in search of my own personal needs but was looking for what others thought about ways to address this without nuclear options.

I'm not looking to uproot in search of my own personal needs but was looking for what others thought about ways to address this without nuclear options.

Like I said, you tell your wife that you will no longer have daily interaction with her parents, and any issues are her responsibility to sort out. This really doesn't have to be so dramatic and complicated.

You need to take a step back. It's your wife's and her parents' whole life tied up in this thing. Whatever happens in the future, you can't take any decisions on the future of the farm, it is theirs to pass on through the generations. And it will be for your wife and dc to ultimately decide, in the long term, whether that's what they want to do. Are there any other relatives involved in running the farm?

No other relatives involved so we get co-opted into any drama/ work that needs to be done.

Surely with their wealth outside help will be easily accessible? Your dw isn't stuck helping out. They can afford their own 'staff'...

They are so bloody incapable of just spending money even for things like reduced work. Its infuriating, almost a moral failing in their eyes.

So they're telling you to pay for help in terms of a cleaner but won't follow their own advice?

I would be inclined to suck up the living situation but limit the amount of time spent with them. Make favourable 'mmm' noises to their suggestions but carry on as you see fit.

Set the ground rules now for what support you are prepared to offer as they age. Don't go over and above. If they have money they can buy in help. Elderly parents can take over your life (have a look at the Elderly Parents board!). Also, your wife is the main conduit here so position yourself in the backgound so they have less impact day to day.

I think you are being unfair.
You don’t have a connection to a place and family. Your W does, so do your children.
They are growing up surrounded by nature and have involved grandparents.
Your main complain is having too much cleaning, house maintenance and seeing your inlaws too much.
And to solve that - you want to uproot your family? Sounds selfish.

Maybe find other ways to deal with it? Clean less it ask W to borrow money against the estate to deal with the house?
Get busy and don’t see in-laws as much?
Dont get involve and judge their decisions as to how they run their farm?
See if that helps.

Also - if I were your W and you were coming to me with these complaints - I’d be preparing for divorce. You sound unappreciative and spoiled at the same time. Despite your constant mentioning of you not needing much.

@MMmomDD I think you are harsh in some points. I don't want to uproot. I'm struggling with the issues in play. I'm aware we are in many ways very lucky, certainly with assets coming down the line and my kids having acceess to countryside etc. However, there are relationship issues that are at play, some driven by the situation we are in. My wife will not really engage to take pressure off me - I see a lot of posts on mumsnet written by women saying their male partners wont pull their weight and I feel similar. If I dont clean it does not get done, if I dont organise a builder it does not get done etc etc. Add to that her parents living in my ear and you can see how frustrating it is. I'm not spoilt nor would my wife be thinking of divorce. Its fine for her mostly as I do a lot of the heavy lifting. I get that it might appear that we have the charmed existence but its difficult some times.

Unable to spend money it seems.

I think that you are being massively unreasonable here.
I agree with MMmomDD

@twilightermummy Interesting. How so?

I don't think you are being unreasonable. It sounds like there is lots going on. It's not the life you would have chosen and you're probably overwhelmed. The people who comment on parent relationships and tell you to be a martyr generally do not know what it is like to deal with difficult parents or in laws.

In this situation and assuming you need to stay put for the time being, what would make you feel better? Could you limit your daily interaction with the in laws? Could you declutter so that you have less time cleaning? Could you get a cleaner for a couple of hours a week? Is there a hobby you could do once a week that would help you forget about it all for a few hours?

Pure sexism. No way you'd say this to a woman in the same situation

@YRGAM
No sexism, I am an equal opportunity say it how it is sort of person.
Male of female - the way OP is talking sounds both contradictory and selfish..
He keeps saying money don’t matter to him, yet keeps brining up the inheritance, and PIL wealth.
His desire for less cleaning somehow is more important to him than his W and kids’ ties to the place where they grew up/are growing up and there grandparents live.

It is clear OP is venting and is frustrated. But there surely are other ways to reduce that - without insisting on relaxation.

I've got a feeling the cleaning is not the real problem here.

Do you want out @Onceuponawhileago ?

I’m getting the opposite message from his postS, @MMmomDD . He sounds like the household drudge, expected to do the work that no one else wants to do and support his PIL who could easily afford to outsource and hire at least some help, but don’t want to spend the money. Instead they’re expecting their DD and the OPto run around after them.

It sounds rather miserable to me and not dissimilar to what many middle-aged “sandwich generation” parents are dealing with, trying to balance the needs of teenagers and elderly parents, not to mention their careers. I’ve also been feeling ground down by this balancing act recently- someone always wants/needs something and you feel pulled in so many directions.

I think it would be very frustrating if there’s plenty of money to provide help to the elderly parents, but they won’t spend it.

If you can bear the mess for a while OP, then channel your inner Arthur Scargill and go on strike with the housework. Your DC are old enough to do chores. And if there isn't a clean pot or pan to cook dinner in, or if she's up to her knees in mouse droppings or whatever, then your wife might actually notice and start lending a hand. It sounds as if you need a holiday. Away from those surroundings, things may become clearer in your mind what it is you actually want from life. I don't think you're being selfish. You're now of an age to be pondering if the choices you made in the past were wrong. And if they were, are they fixable? Yes, it's mid life crisis stuff. Some of us go through it. Others don't. Re the elderly parents, I'm wondering if you resent them more for having money than being stuck in their ancient ways. Maybe you now feel chained to this future inheritance and resent that too? In a way, it's robbed you of your own choices. From the start, you emphasised you came from working class roots. Your feelings towards the in-laws could also hinge around low self-esteem, or feeling like an alien in their alien world because you don't come from a moneyed background. To put it brutally, maybe some inner voice is saying 'why should a working class lad like me have to deal with the advancing decrepitude of rich folks?' But if you want their money and some crumbledown farm, you'll need to. No easy answers. There never are

I think you are getting a bit of a rough tide in here OP. Would you say your wife feels in thrall to her parents, or bound by a heavy sense of obligation towards them? This was something that occurred to me when you said she gets very upset when you try and discuss things. Does she feel torn between you? Is she an only child, or the only child who engages with her parents? If there are other children how do they relate to the parents?

A couple of practical points: I think you need to start carving some space for your family, and as suggested by a PP I think a holiday or short break would be a good place to start. If money isn't plentiful, one of the great things I discovered during Covid was how very cheaply you can stay in a decent static caravan or luxury (yes, really, some of them!) lodge if you book last minute. Have a look on eg the Hoseasons website for ideas and look at Monday to Friday breaks.

Think about other ways you can just step back a little bit and gain some mental space.

With regard to the chores, I think many of us will recognise that awful feeling of being overwhelmed when things get out of hand, and the unrelenting nature of household tasks. I would suggest two things. First of all, you've probably got far too much stuff, so have a good clear out - all the family need to get involved. You'll probably already feel a great deal lighter once it's all gone.

Then clean the rooms - again, all of you, and set up routines and rotas so everyone does a bit. If a regular cleaner is out of the question or difficult to source, how about a firm coming in to do a one off deep clean? You could do this annually if it worked for you.

As a last resort, the advert Olympics work for me - get up during the tv adverts and rush round doing tasks till the programme starts again. It's a great motivator, and you could have a family competition to see who can put most things away in a break for instance.

I feel this is most probably sortable if you can just step back a little from the situation, but by the sound of it you need to take the lead on this, at least initially. Do it for your family. Good luck! 😊

I don’t think you are being unreasonable in wanting to move house, in fact your wife is being unreasonable if she won’t even consider it despite you feeling increasingly frustrated or unhappy with the current situation. Yes it’s her family home but so what? People have to respect their partners wishes too if they want a happy relationship. Moving house does not mean she loses touch with her parents or the farm - you’re not asking to move to another country just a smaller & more manageable house!
I agree that counselling could be a good idea if she will engage in good faith. It sounds a bit like because her family have the money, she has become accustomed to getting her own way in the relationship. I could be wrong or she could be unaware of the dynamic but that’s how it comes across with her unwillingness to even seriously discuss your feelings & proposed solution.

Thanks @hatinacat Thats useful. It is overwhelming as I feel that I am the lynchpin for everything.
I'm not sure what could make me feel better. See less of my inlaws? Maybe but they are literally at my back door, we share a garden, driveway etc so I see them daily. My MIL comes over daily. I cannot be in the garden weeding or pottering but she is there with questions and reminders of things to do.I would really only like to see her a few times a year.

We have decluttered pretty much - but the house is huge, old, lots of cleaning - I'm by no means OCD but basic cleaning like filling dishwasher, putting out bins, going to recycling centre, washing floors etc are all done by me. Its like my wife does not see it. The bathrooms could be left for months without it bothering her - really she is not affected by dirt.

My hobby is gardening but its in their garden and I see them then. I love hiking as I have to go away and have peace but it makes me feel like I am a loner as I do it on my own - not very family oriented.

I am surprised at some of the responses on here, mostly on Mumsnet people think seeing IL's once a week is too much! That you need family time. So to live on their property, see them daily, and have to do chores and jobs for them as their farm crumbles would be beyond what 99% of people could cope with from IL's even if they were really nice people.

I was in a similar situation a few years ago, living with my parents. My husband was grateful for the opportunity it gave us but after a few years it was clear our marriage would not survive living with his IL's for many more years. I heard that, panicked as I didn't want the marriage to end, and moved us all a way away to our own house and it was much much better for us as a couple. The children did struggle to adjust though as children love having grandparents around doing stuff for them, but it can be important to have time just as a family as well, it's not stopping you keeping that close relationship with the GPs and visiting often.

I think the thing is here is your wife is really going to want to stay at the farm for the future, and in that location, and have more caring responsibilities and she prioritises that over your marriage. Ultimately that would be her choice. You have to then decide if you can put up with that. I would not in a million years volunteer to move near to my IL's, once a year is absolutely fine for me, so daily contact with my MIL in particular would be beyond anything I could cope with.

I'm surprised by the responses on here, you sound like a thoughtful person who is pulling their weight, but ultimately you have to decide if you can live there for the next 20 or more years because your wife isn't willing to move, so the decision is really yours and not hers, she's made hers.