In laws doing my head in, midlife crisis and what to do next?

[Onceuponawhileago]

Hello good people of Mumsnet. Long term user - namechanged.

I'm M 49 and my wife is 50. Together 23 years, two kids 15 and 12.
I come from a different background than my wife, mine is working class, history of sexual abuse and subsequent addiction and alcohol issues. I went through many years of counselling and addiction suport and got better.

My wife comes from a wealthy background- in our relationship we are pretty good together. We share children stuff, I do most of the cleaning, house organising and any ongoing repairs etc as its an old house. My wife is not really into cleaning and more messy than me, I figure that cleanliness matters to me so I do it for me rather than have arguments about it. Cannot get a cleaner - too remote.

Years ago we started living close to her parents- their house is on a farm, ours on the farm too and so we see them most days. I would say her parents are essentially kind but not very empthatic, tone deaf sometimes and oblivious to poorer people and especially my kind of background. Often they just 'dont understand' why we dont have a cleaner or repair the house etc. Its because we are on average salaries living in a house that requires more upkeep than we can afford. My wife will inherit a lot of money so in a way she feels she should stay close to her parents and also its her family home and will inherit farm etc.

Her parents farm the land but badly so lots of stuff falling down etc. They want full contol of their farm and are gettting more difficult as they age so wont accept suggestions of getting in help on the farm even though they have millions in the bank and could easily pay for a nicer life.

I'm not money motivated, happy in my job, grew up with very little.

I am really worn down by constantly having in laws in my life- every day, thinking about how we will manage as they get older, how we will get them to accept help etc.

My wife just trudges on, is happy to just be as is.
I have a fantasy of a smaller house, no in laws, less cleaning and an easier, smaller and peaceful life.

I dont think I want to seperate- thats a big price to pay for a simple life plus impact on kids. Because I grew up with very little I have no attachment to this place or to wealth.

Happy for advice.

I should also note, as has been pointed out to me by many people on this thread and in private messaging that people like @Soontobe60 love to wade in, offer off the mark, often very unkind advice and then drift off again, to another thread, to be even more irritating to somebody else. Thanks for everyone who messaged me with help, advice and their own stories.

Yes being late causes me distress. I am a single mum and have always done all the housework and most childcare (4 kids). And no, I would love a cleaner.

Part of the problem is that I help everyone out. I volunteer (20% of my work is pro bono), I helped a lot of friends with childcare and lifts, dog sitting, looking after pets. I do too much for my kids.

Another problem is that I start lots of things . Courses, books, learning stuff. My brain needs variety and challenge. I get a lot of good feel dopamine from helping too and can’t ever be in a position where if I can help, I don’t. But of course that is always more interesting than housework.

having said that, I do manage to get things done. My house gets cleaned and tidied every week, but would greatly help if I stayed on top of it. Pre kids I was messier and let my bf do the lions work of cleaning and tidying (but I did shopping and cooking as enjoy doing that).

I do overcommit. Get overwhelmed. And constantly tell myself off for not doing all the things that I set myself to do.

How are you doing now @Onceuponawhileago ?

Hello
I wanted to give an update.

We have had a holiday.

We agreed Christmas would be more family focussed with a shorter lunch instead of dinner. Pressure off.

We are gong to take a break after Christmas - us & kids.

I have started work with a new psychotherapist and what has come up really is my inability to actually express any anger other than rare explosions which everyone hates. I never ever was allowed to get angry as a kid. I can never rememember being angry. So I have no experience in expressing anger WITHOUT exploding. So I either hold on till I explode or seethe and ruminate.
I am learning appropriate ways to feel and express my anger. A work in progress. Lots of my anger is fully valid.

My wife & I have talked about the imbalance and the choices we have to make. She has stopped crying about them and started to discuss them.

We have told her parents that we will be moving to the smaller house in time and renting larger house.

I have got an accountant to do basic costings so we are in some way aware of costs/ impacts etc.

We got a cleaner who does a 3 hour clean on Fridays.

I took on more work so have more money.

I choose not to see my parents in law as much and opt out of lots of family stuff with them if I can as I find it overwhelming.

Well done OP, that sounds very positive.

Particularly the stepping back from your in laws.
Do not underestimate the stress constantly being with people you don't like, would put you under.

Dialling that back is very positive.

The new found knowledge about your anger management is invaluable.

Delighted to read you are finding a path forward.

Fantastic progress! Cheering you on!

Wow, this is such good news, OP! Your wife's new willingness to address the issues, including her parents' demands, is particularly positive, it shows that you're a team. So happy for you. 😀

Thank you everybody for your kind support. I always think I have escaped my childhood but it really does follow you for a long time. More work to do.