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Boss annoyed/upset I don't want to spend my days off with him
295

gherkinsaplenty · 03/07/2022 13:16

NC as I don't want this linking to my other posts.
I started working for an elderly widower a few months ago. It's been great because it fits around the kids and is within walking distance.
From the start he's asked about days out with me and the kids. I've never agreed to anything and have gently said no thank you. He wants to pay for everything and there's just so much that makes me feel uncomfortable.
He tells me far too much information about his marriage to his late wife including about their sex life.
He tells me inappropriate jokes that ex work mates have told him along with lots of inappropriate stories about them and their infidelities.
He drinks heavily and drives the next morning as well as back from the pub.
He makes me feel like I need to justify doing things that's just me and the kids.
He's always offering me lifts and I won't accept because he's bloody dangerous when I have been in the car with him. He's hit 3 vehicles lately and not even noticed, pulls out without indicating, pulls out in front of moving traffic. I'm stressed thinking he's going to need me to go somewhere with him.
I'm working at his home essentially doing a house clearance before he moves into a retirement apartment next year. I really enjoy the work but I'm getting/got the serious ick about him and feel uncomfortable.
Despite saying I could work around the kids and not during the holidays he expects me to take them with me to his and wants me to work every day of the summer holidays. I've told him no and he's almost sulking. The dc have got an inset day tomorrow and we are off out for the day. He's upset because he thought he could take us out somewhere and was looking forward to it even though I never said yes to his invitation. He keeps grumbling about it and making out I've let him down. He has his own grown up dc and a few grandchildren and I know he's lonely but I don't want to be spending my days off with my boss. I'm a carer for a family member too and between my dc and caring I don't have much time to do anything. He phones me every day at least twice including on my days off and there are numerous texts too. I've now switched off my voicemail service and adjusted my phone to only allow certain people to contact me outside of work hours. I only do 12 hours a week or so but with the frequent phone calls and voicemails and texts it's more like 18 hours. I'm a single parent and the money has been great but I feel like jacking it in now. I feel so uncomfortable with it all. Despite being totally inappropriate he is very kind and generous and funny and I have enjoyed the job but this latest sulk over a day out and me saying no to going away with him in the summer has tipped me over into dreading work now. He's said to stop messaging him and let the dust settle. I'm here thinking there's no dust to settle, I just told him thank you but no. I'm autistic and get things wrong so often with navigating situations. I hate confrontation too and I'm annoyed he's doing this.
How do I keep things professional?

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maslinpan · 03/07/2022 13:20

He is crossing SO many boundaries, his behaviour is dreadful. Are you employed by an agency, because they need to know all about this. You have done absolutely nothing wrong.

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blugray · 03/07/2022 13:22

Honestly, you just apply for new jobs. He’s breaching so many employment rights here. A tribunal would have a field day.

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gherkinsaplenty · 03/07/2022 13:22

No, not an agency. It's just a casual job through someone we both know.
He's twice my age but even if he wasn't it's just ugh.

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StandingON · 03/07/2022 13:23

If you can in any way afford to, please leave this job. I wasn't surprised to see at the end that you're autistic (so am I), because we sometimes find ourselves wandering into absolutely insanse situations and then finding it very difficult to get out. Drom the outside it's so clear that this man is bad news. He's waltzing over your boundaries from all sides and you have needed to override a lot of your (very spot-on) gut feelings about him to not have him blocked yet.

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Luredbyapomegranate · 03/07/2022 13:25

You just keep saying no, and go grey rock.

But it would be easier to find another gig

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gherkinsaplenty · 03/07/2022 13:26

It really hit home when I realised he wouldn't be like this with a man.
The money has been great because it's been cash but now I'm a full time carer too it's becoming untenable without the boundary issues.

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maslinpan · 03/07/2022 13:28

He's sleazy, getting your time and attention for more hours than he pays you, manipulative, a dangerous driver - all of these things heavily outweigh the convenience of the job and the wage packet. If it's just an informal arrangement then luckily you have no need to work your notice - just tell him you are not working for him any more and block him. It's up to you if you tell him why, but you do NOT need to apologise.

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TheBikiniExpert · 03/07/2022 13:28

I think you need to find a new job tbh as he won't change - and please report him for the drink driving. Make sure he pays you - it sounds like he thinks this is a social activity for you.

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yellowsmileyface · 03/07/2022 13:29

I think you need to leave this job. I felt uncomfortable just reading your post.

If you're interested in being a carer, could you look into joining an actual agency?

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/07/2022 13:30

I would resign this so called job with immediate effect and by email stating that if he tries to contact you further you will go to the police. You do not owe this person anything and he is trampling all over your boundaries. I think you were targeted by this predator and deliberately so; he likely knows you are a vulnerable adult and these types hate women, ALL of them.

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GG1986 · 03/07/2022 13:31

Put your foot down and tell him if he doesn't stop then you will have to find a different job.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/07/2022 13:35

DO not JADE someone like him i.e justify, argue, defend or explain your decision. Write this email and then block all his means of being able to contact you. You indeed owe this person nothing.

His sulking behaviour as well is an example of emotional abuse towards you.

I would also inform the person who put you in touch with this man about what has happened.

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Fenella123 · 03/07/2022 13:38

You seem to have been coping very well, so far, with this undeniably difficult behaviour of his. If you need the cash, carry on as you have done with all your VERY SENSIBLE boundaries... while seeking another gig asap. Then tell him your circumstances have changed and therefore you're ceasing to work with him.

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FictionalCharacter · 03/07/2022 13:38

This is horrifying. He’s not going to change his behaviour and attitudes whatever you say, so the only option is to leave. If you don’t, he’ll just get worse and who knows what he’ll do next.

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StandingON · 03/07/2022 13:40

One of the most chilling parts of this situation is how he's tried to spend time with your children right off the bat. Days out together would not even cross the mind of a person with any respect for anybody, really.

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Changechangychange · 03/07/2022 13:41

He’s trying it on with you, basically. He knows exactly what he is doing and is enjoying making you feel uncomfortable. Creepy as fuck. Never take your kids round there.

I’d leave this job myself, if you are able to keep enforcing boundaries and want to stay on then do, but you are going to need to enforce them for the whole time you are there, and block him when you leave.

I also wonder if the job will ever end, or whether he will keep stringing this out to keep you going round there.

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Juanmariaramierz · 03/07/2022 13:42

Be careful how you do things....he could contact the authorities if its cash in hand.

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DontLookBackInAnger1 · 03/07/2022 13:42

Perverts get old too.

He sounds horrid. I would issue a warning, tell him it makes you uncomfortable talking about sex etc and you'd appreciate it if he'd stop. Also ask him not to call you on your days of.

If he can't accept that, then keep your standards, and quit.

You're very wise to keep your children from him, he sounds unsafe company for them on many levels.

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gherkinsaplenty · 03/07/2022 13:44

He wants a chat on Tuesday when I'm next there about the holidays thing. I've said there's nothing to discuss and that's when he got all huffy and said not to message anymore. He doesn't like technology or texting but I prefer written messages because then I know I can't be gaslighted over things. Too much experience of that with my abusive exH. There's 3 weeks of term left and I want to get through to then if possible but I'm prepared to just tell him no on Tuesday.

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gherkinsaplenty · 03/07/2022 13:48

@Juanmariaramierz I've always declared my earnings as I get UC. He encouraged me not to declare it but I couldn't lie like that.

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HollowTalk · 03/07/2022 13:48

Doesn't give you the creeps the way he wants your children near him? I find that horrifying.

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milkysmum · 03/07/2022 13:50

So many red flags here. Please you must end this employment immediately in my opinion.
I'm a nurse and have previously managed support staff doing similar roles. We would always ensure staff have access to training/ clinical supervision etc. and should anything like this happen you would have been supported fully. Just to clarify- are you employed in any way? Have you got a contract/ job description etc..?
If you haven't please just let this man know you will not be back and seek alternative employment. There is a shortage of care staff so you will definitely be able to gain work. Good luck op, but what ever you do, do not continue working for this man and do not allow your children around him.

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gherkinsaplenty · 03/07/2022 13:56

I'm not a carer. I'm helping him clear his house. There is no caring involved. I am professionally qualified in another area but the needs of the kids and my other caring duties means I'm not able to work in that capacity any more.

The more o think about things the more the ick grows. So many comments and questions that have been said or asked that are inappropriate.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/07/2022 13:56

Were you given a written contract?.

I would resign by email with immediate effect and I would refuse to meet him further under any circumstances.

Your boundaries, already skewed by previous abuse at the hands of your ex, are being further harmed by this predatory male now. Please look at enrolling yourself onto the Freedom Programme as this could help you a great deal.

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gherkinsaplenty · 03/07/2022 13:57

Sorry, no, no job description or contract, just a casual arrangement.

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