Boss annoyed/upset I don't want to spend my days off with him

[gherkinsaplenty]

NC as I don't want this linking to my other posts.
I started working for an elderly widower a few months ago. It's been great because it fits around the kids and is within walking distance.
From the start he's asked about days out with me and the kids. I've never agreed to anything and have gently said no thank you. He wants to pay for everything and there's just so much that makes me feel uncomfortable.
He tells me far too much information about his marriage to his late wife including about their sex life.
He tells me inappropriate jokes that ex work mates have told him along with lots of inappropriate stories about them and their infidelities.
He drinks heavily and drives the next morning as well as back from the pub.
He makes me feel like I need to justify doing things that's just me and the kids.
He's always offering me lifts and I won't accept because he's bloody dangerous when I have been in the car with him. He's hit 3 vehicles lately and not even noticed, pulls out without indicating, pulls out in front of moving traffic. I'm stressed thinking he's going to need me to go somewhere with him.
I'm working at his home essentially doing a house clearance before he moves into a retirement apartment next year. I really enjoy the work but I'm getting/got the serious ick about him and feel uncomfortable.
Despite saying I could work around the kids and not during the holidays he expects me to take them with me to his and wants me to work every day of the summer holidays. I've told him no and he's almost sulking. The dc have got an inset day tomorrow and we are off out for the day. He's upset because he thought he could take us out somewhere and was looking forward to it even though I never said yes to his invitation. He keeps grumbling about it and making out I've let him down. He has his own grown up dc and a few grandchildren and I know he's lonely but I don't want to be spending my days off with my boss. I'm a carer for a family member too and between my dc and caring I don't have much time to do anything. He phones me every day at least twice including on my days off and there are numerous texts too. I've now switched off my voicemail service and adjusted my phone to only allow certain people to contact me outside of work hours. I only do 12 hours a week or so but with the frequent phone calls and voicemails and texts it's more like 18 hours. I'm a single parent and the money has been great but I feel like jacking it in now. I feel so uncomfortable with it all. Despite being totally inappropriate he is very kind and generous and funny and I have enjoyed the job but this latest sulk over a day out and me saying no to going away with him in the summer has tipped me over into dreading work now. He's said to stop messaging him and let the dust settle. I'm here thinking there's no dust to settle, I just told him thank you but no. I'm autistic and get things wrong so often with navigating situations. I hate confrontation too and I'm annoyed he's doing this.
How do I keep things professional?

I've done the freedom programme 🤦‍♀️ I wasn't thinking of work relationships with that though.

This whole situation is really off. Please listen to your gut.
Send him an email saying that you will no longer be working for him.
Do not meet him again.
The whole situation is really creepy... especially insisting on the children being there and wanting to take you all on days out. Weird.

Run a mile, for the sake of your children. NEVER EVER let them within sight of this man. I feel sick just reading your post.

He can find someone else to help clean his house. You are being used and abused here by this predatory male and he is actively enjoying the power and control he wields over you.

Abuse thrives on secrecy so please tell other trusted adults in your life about this.

For the sake of your own sanity, I would just stop now. He's crossing so many boundaries and making your life a misery.

I would resign this so called job with immediate effect and by email stating that if he tries to contact you further you will go to the police.

This seems massively over the top. I really don’t think threatening him with the police is necessary or will do any good (and the police are likely to be somewhat baffled too).

But that said, I wouldn’t be comfortable with continuing to work for this man. He essentially thinks paying you for your labour entitles him to your company. It doesn’t. If you can’t afford to give it up, just be very clear on Tuesday that this is your job, not a hobby; that you are happy to keep working the hours agreed, but that’s all you’ll be doing.

I agree with everyone else - you need to leave. Like another poster I think you should let the mutual friend know the situation too, so that another person doesn't get put into this position. I ended up in a similar job in a small private company when I was 23 or 24. Like you, the money, hours and so on were perfect, but my male boss, also elderly, became more and more unprofessional and inappropriate as time went on. There were no sexual connotations but he was too personal, wanted to know too much about my living situation and home life, wanted to pay me in cash etc etc that in the end I was just too uncomfortable. I left without telling him why, and actually had to block his calls and emails even afterwards. I think he was just a lonely old man trying to be fatherly, but the relief I felt once I walked away was immense! There'll be other jobs, and if your gut feeling tells you to go, I'd listen to it.

He's a creep using his money to influence you .

I would maintain the boundaries you are currently keeping, but report him to the police for drink driving, finish the job, pocket the cash, and never think of him again.

I'd find a new job and in the meantime just say no. No. Is a complete sentence.

"I would resign this so called job with immediate effect and by email stating that if he tries to contact you further you will go to the police".

Am curious to know why such an action would be seen as massively OTT and why the police would be baffled. Why should she at all continue to work for him?.

This needs to stop immediately. Give him òne last chance to be professional a nd stay out of your way while you do your job. If he won't then resign with immediate effect.

Ah crap, why do I get myself into these situations. It's been bad enough from the start but this last week has been too much. At Easter he pressured me into agreeing to a trip with him and I backed out. Instead of going on his own he cancelled it which I thought was weird. I love going places on my own and did before having the kids. He's comfortable financially so it's weird for him not to make the most of his time and money and go places. I would if I was him. It makes me wonder why his dc aren't keen to spend more time with him or go away with him.

"It makes me wonder why his dc aren't keen to spend more time with him or go away with him"

Its in all likelihood because he has behaved this badly to them too so as a result they do not see him very often if at all. Manipulative and or otherwise abusive men do not operate in a vacuum and their "nice" act is one they cannot ever maintain.

Your safety here is of paramount importance and you are absolutely not safe emotionally with this man.

It’s only going to get worse. This weird little talk he wants to have on Tuesday is going to be extremely uncomfortable.

Can you manage without the money?

How long do you expect the house clearance to take? Unless he lives in a castle, surely it wouldn't be too much longer? Are you throwing things in a skip, taking them to charity shops for him, cleaning or what exactly?

I'd tell him that you caring duties are taking more of your time, starting cutting back the hours you go there and give him a date you will leave.

OR

The above, but say that you are bringing a partner or friend next week, so you can finish the clearance sooner. And halve the time you are there.

I'd wonder if he'd on with another person there? What you have described is completely inappropriate. I'd being working with earphones in and listen to music/podcast/book etc so you don't need to listen or engage to him.

As far as the driving goes, I'd report to to the DVLA or police. What if he hit one of your children in his drunken stupor?

Fucking hell, it sounds like he's trying to get you to be a replacement wife.

Going away with him, wtf? Going where, on holiday?

Leave. There are numerous jobs, what are you doing?!

He really wants contact with your children doesn't he?

Your boundaries are good ones - keep them in place and look for other work.

Do you feel safe at his place yourself?

Having failed to win you over with treats - or to trap you with having taken undeclared money - he will be trying other things.

Shut him off immediately.

He sounds like a sex pest.

No contract, no job description? No notice needed.

Keep yourself safe!

And keep your children safe.

I think the pp who said 'even perverts get old' needs a post of the day award to be honest.

Can you just give up the job?

It is not your fault, you have done nothing wrong and I actually think you've handled the situation really well. He's had decades of perfecting his techniques, you're just reacting in the moment. Stay strong, protect yourself and your kids.

Yes, on holiday. He's offered to take us anywhere we want to go. A few years back I might have been taken in by this but from the start I said no thank you. But he kept asking. I told him from before I started working that I have no interest in men at all. Maybe he saw that as a challenge. Yuck. I think he's built up a little fantasy in his head of god knows what but I couldn't have been clearer that I have no interest in him.

The house is big and every room is filled to the brim with stuff. His late wife had hoarding disorder or whatever it's called and it's taken months to get it to a manageable level. I'm talking rooms piled 6ft high with boxes and bags of stuff. Some junk, some valuable.

Well, imagine the conversation.

OP: So the man I was working for cash in hand overstepped the mark and expected me and my children to spend time with him on a personal level.

Police Officer: I see… and what happened when you refused?

OP: He sulked a bit and then said we could discuss it on Tuesday.

Hardly ‘radio all units’ time, is it?

My family member was in a similar situation and it escalated to him asking her out and exposing himself to her.

She quit.