Boss annoyed/upset I don't want to spend my days off with him

[gherkinsaplenty]

NC as I don't want this linking to my other posts.
I started working for an elderly widower a few months ago. It's been great because it fits around the kids and is within walking distance.
From the start he's asked about days out with me and the kids. I've never agreed to anything and have gently said no thank you. He wants to pay for everything and there's just so much that makes me feel uncomfortable.
He tells me far too much information about his marriage to his late wife including about their sex life.
He tells me inappropriate jokes that ex work mates have told him along with lots of inappropriate stories about them and their infidelities.
He drinks heavily and drives the next morning as well as back from the pub.
He makes me feel like I need to justify doing things that's just me and the kids.
He's always offering me lifts and I won't accept because he's bloody dangerous when I have been in the car with him. He's hit 3 vehicles lately and not even noticed, pulls out without indicating, pulls out in front of moving traffic. I'm stressed thinking he's going to need me to go somewhere with him.
I'm working at his home essentially doing a house clearance before he moves into a retirement apartment next year. I really enjoy the work but I'm getting/got the serious ick about him and feel uncomfortable.
Despite saying I could work around the kids and not during the holidays he expects me to take them with me to his and wants me to work every day of the summer holidays. I've told him no and he's almost sulking. The dc have got an inset day tomorrow and we are off out for the day. He's upset because he thought he could take us out somewhere and was looking forward to it even though I never said yes to his invitation. He keeps grumbling about it and making out I've let him down. He has his own grown up dc and a few grandchildren and I know he's lonely but I don't want to be spending my days off with my boss. I'm a carer for a family member too and between my dc and caring I don't have much time to do anything. He phones me every day at least twice including on my days off and there are numerous texts too. I've now switched off my voicemail service and adjusted my phone to only allow certain people to contact me outside of work hours. I only do 12 hours a week or so but with the frequent phone calls and voicemails and texts it's more like 18 hours. I'm a single parent and the money has been great but I feel like jacking it in now. I feel so uncomfortable with it all. Despite being totally inappropriate he is very kind and generous and funny and I have enjoyed the job but this latest sulk over a day out and me saying no to going away with him in the summer has tipped me over into dreading work now. He's said to stop messaging him and let the dust settle. I'm here thinking there's no dust to settle, I just told him thank you but no. I'm autistic and get things wrong so often with navigating situations. I hate confrontation too and I'm annoyed he's doing this.
How do I keep things professional?

The longer she is around him, the more entitled and emboldened he will feel to keep pushing her boundaries and the more he will expect her to cave.

Men like this are dangerous. They believe women 'owe' them. He wants access to her children. He wants to play the role of her partner and their dad despite having no feasible reason to believe that's possible.

He will be more angry about every 'no' the longer he is able to have contact with her. Angry, entitled, pervy men don't age out of those characteristics.

You cannot reason with unreasonable people. He is not a reasonable person and will mistake her presence for her consent to continue behaving how he does.

I really hope you aren't in any position where safeguarding is required because your advice is dangerous.

Return the stuff to the mutual friend to return on your behalf?

How do I return the things that I have here for selling?

Drop them at his door and walk away. You owe this man nothing.

Honestly I would just resign / not go back, he is clearly trying to take advantage of you.

Look, just take his stuff back to him, contact him and say it isn't working and you are leaving immediately. Then block any one every means for him to communicate with you. You don't have to give him notice, because he has broken any employment contract he ever had with you.

Give them to the person who introduced you, ask them to please return them to him as you don't want to work any hours for him with immediate effect.

I would explain to the same mutual contact how deeply uncomfortable the situation has made you and while you'd appreciate their discretion you also want them to know that you won't be changing your mind and will be letting this man know that you're no longer working any hours for him and don't wish to stay in touch. Then do so. I think it's good for someone else to know what's happened in case he gets nasty.

There's no need to ever see him again.

I have been in an almost similar situation to you.. helping to look after him but him talking about sex with his now wife and late wife, telling me jokes about sex from his ex workmates, calling and texting me constantly, going in a huffs. If we weren't in different countries (school holidays) I would actually think it was the same person. I wasn't being paid for it but was constantly offered money and told me he wanted to help me financially. It/he creeped me out so much. I eventually stopped answering his calls/texts and stopped going round. I made excuses and eventually he took the hint. I haven't heard from him in weeks and don't plan on ever engaging with him again. I think the only think you can do is quit this job and block him. I know how you feel, its actually awful having someone creep you out so much especially when all you are trying to do is help.

Give them to the mutal friend to return and tell them the truth about his behaviour.

This person needs to know that he is a freak that could be very dangerous.

@wellhelloitsme is correct, your continued presence could well constitute consent to him.......he is focused on elbowing himself into your life.

Agreed. He sounds absolutely disgusting. Always trust your instinct. If something feels ‘off’/creepy about someone, trust your gut response. It’s usually right.

Basically, he’s looking for some kind of sexual thrill. To put it bluntly, he wants to get you into bed. You’ve made it clear that you are not interested, but he persists, which is horrible and completely unacceptable. Let him sulk. If he wants to play the hurt feelings card, him. That’s pathetic even for a teenage boy.

All that would be bad enough. But the fact that he is employing you makes it worse. He clearly feels that because he’s paying you he has some kind of right/power. I wouldn’t be surprised if things escalate and he offers you money for sex, or even threatens you in some way. I **ing hate that sort of thing. He reminds me of those filthy scumbag landlords who offer rooms for sex.

Also, it is just plain weird for an elderly man to want to take you and your children out. Most older men can stand other people’s kids. They certainly wouldn’t want to spend the day with them. I hope you don’t have a young teen daughter. If you do, don’t ever leave her alone in a room with him!

If he had never mentioned sex, it would still be a bit weird. I guess if you’d lived next door to him for years, and had just lost your husband, or something, he might offer to take you and kids out from simple kindness. I’m sure that happens. But this is a man you hardly know who has repeatedly talked about sex in ways that make you uneasy.

Your job description could loosely be termed as house clearance but the advice on here applies whatever you want to call your job.

The perks for you are that it's local, pays cash and fits around your kids.

I'm pointing out that there are loads of cleaning jobs that have exactly the same perks without the pervy alcoholic manipulating your kind nature.

There is no reason to continue.

Please break contact with him asap. This is giving me the shivers so I can only imagine how you must feel.

Good idea to give the things to the mutual friend. Or if the friend is trustworthy and can be relied on to back you up once they’ve heard what he is like (and not collapse and take his side) take the things back together. If not find another person, someone who will back you up and give you confidence.

As someone has pointed out, creepy men don’t change. We tend to think of old men as weak and harmless. But it’s not always true. You can find numerous examples of men in their 70s and even 80s grooming underage girls, viewing indecent images of children, hanging around schools and taking photos, making creepy/weird comments to their nurse or cleaner, etc.

How much stuff do you have? Do you have transportation to get it back to him?

I could probably still sell the stuff as I was able to keep the income from it anyway.
Reading this thread has sickened me. I do have a young teen Dd. She has never been alone with him and neither has ds who is much younger. He will be going out tonight and I think I'll write a letter to say I'm no longer working for him effective immediately. My Dd is the same age as his granddaughter. I feel like the boiled frog. So many things I've ignored because it's not a relationship so it's not seemed relevant. I've not encouraged talk of sex or relationships and yes he's been very interested in my sexual past. I've kept things private beyond a very much surface level. I've seen sides of him in his stories that don't tally with who he presents himself as. He's had a very interesting life but it's always been clear he has bigged himself up. I feel dirty.

Also, does he know where you live?

And is the person that introduced you friends with him or just an acquaintance? Either way in would tell the friend this man has really crossed the line and has made you very uncomfortable on numerous occasions, by talking about sex and demanding to spend time with you outside of the agreed upon working hours.

We have a neighbor that’s looking for someone to sell things on eBay because he doesn’t want to pay the normal going price for this type of work. (People around here usually take 10% to list and shop items). I also get a vibe from him that he would behave this way with any woman that agreed to do the listings.

Unless it's life or death money wise I would just give the stuff back to him (via the mutual contact) because having it around and doing the admin of selling it is just going to continue that horrible icky feeling in the pit of your stomach. It's that awful dread feeling isn't it? I think I know the exact one you mean.

Much better to have a clean break from this whole situation. And angry men thrive on women's silence and take it as complicity, so I would seriously consider telling the mutual contact what's happened and ask them to be discrete but reiterate to them that you would appreciate them returning the things to him and don't want any further contact with him at all - that you'll let him know that too but wanted a third party to be aware so there's no confusion.

I would just drop it back round to his. Do you have a friend who could accompany you when you do it? How much stuff are we talking about? A couple of boxes or a lot more?

The good thing about you having no formal contract with him and it being cash in hand work is that you don't have to work a notice period or give him formal notice. You can just send him a text saying that unfortunately you are no longer able to assist him with his clear out and that you will return the items of his that you have at your home. End of story.

He sounds like a creep, who has overstepped the mark again and again and because you kept going with the job it made him bold. Controlling men do that, as you will know from the freedom programme. They start with small things to test your boundaries and if you don't shut things down immediately, the up the ante. You need to walk away now. He and his clutter are not your problem.

Don't feel dirty OP. This isn't on you, it's on him and he's a creep

Apart from everything else, the drink driving 😡
I hope that someone reports him to the Police the next time he leaves the Pub. Before he kills someone.

Also, the DVLA have a free hotline for anonymously reporting dangerous drivers, no matter what the reason.
I wouldn't hesitate to use it.

Yes he knows where I live. He literally lives round the corner.

My head finds it difficult to see how someone so nice and kind and generous can be so controlling but he is. I started to see it last week and now talking about it things are very clear. He once forbade me to get the bus saying he's give me lifts everywhere because he hates busses! Erm, no one forbids me from doing anything. I just laughed but even so.

You're right, his clutter is not my problem and he can find a company to do it for him.

I have reported the drink driving a few times but the police seem slow to act. That's what makes me most angry too. It's unforgivable.

For your safety, mental and physical, if you think you want to sell the things yourself then make sure you have his clear written permission, and I would probably ask for it again after you have told him you won’t be coming back to work for him. Otherwise a man like this is very likely to use the things against you in some way, like reversing the situation and claiming you stole from him or coming to your house to get them, anything like that to try to keep some contact and take it out on you. I don’t want to worry you but this is so often how it goes with this type of man so you need to be ready.

But really I think the best thing is that you take them back ASAP as that won’t give him an excuse to keep in contact or make any accusations against you. Make a clean break asap and then you will start to feel better

My head finds it difficult to see how someone so nice and kind and generous can be so controlling but he is

Flip this on its head. I think the most controlling people seem nice and kind and generous at first - that's how they reel people in.

Especially the generous bit. Controlling people use 'generosity' as guilt tripping and emotional blackmail fodder. It's not really generous at all.

"But I gave you xyz, how can you say anything bad about me?!" "I gave you xyz and you won't even do this one thing for me?!" "All I did was look after her and give her xyz and she's accusing me of being a bad person!"

It's all a front.

Nothing matters except your safety and wellbeing and that of your kids.

Even if he gets nasty in the short term and you do need some police support, you can't remain in touch with him as he's not a safe person. He's controlling, feels entitled to your time and that of your kids and either doesn't notice or doesn't respect your boundaries. More likely the latter.

Sorry if I've missed this somewhere but are you employed or self employed? Either way I would chat it over with your UC work coach to ensure you get their support.