Boss annoyed/upset I don't want to spend my days off with him

[gherkinsaplenty]

NC as I don't want this linking to my other posts.
I started working for an elderly widower a few months ago. It's been great because it fits around the kids and is within walking distance.
From the start he's asked about days out with me and the kids. I've never agreed to anything and have gently said no thank you. He wants to pay for everything and there's just so much that makes me feel uncomfortable.
He tells me far too much information about his marriage to his late wife including about their sex life.
He tells me inappropriate jokes that ex work mates have told him along with lots of inappropriate stories about them and their infidelities.
He drinks heavily and drives the next morning as well as back from the pub.
He makes me feel like I need to justify doing things that's just me and the kids.
He's always offering me lifts and I won't accept because he's bloody dangerous when I have been in the car with him. He's hit 3 vehicles lately and not even noticed, pulls out without indicating, pulls out in front of moving traffic. I'm stressed thinking he's going to need me to go somewhere with him.
I'm working at his home essentially doing a house clearance before he moves into a retirement apartment next year. I really enjoy the work but I'm getting/got the serious ick about him and feel uncomfortable.
Despite saying I could work around the kids and not during the holidays he expects me to take them with me to his and wants me to work every day of the summer holidays. I've told him no and he's almost sulking. The dc have got an inset day tomorrow and we are off out for the day. He's upset because he thought he could take us out somewhere and was looking forward to it even though I never said yes to his invitation. He keeps grumbling about it and making out I've let him down. He has his own grown up dc and a few grandchildren and I know he's lonely but I don't want to be spending my days off with my boss. I'm a carer for a family member too and between my dc and caring I don't have much time to do anything. He phones me every day at least twice including on my days off and there are numerous texts too. I've now switched off my voicemail service and adjusted my phone to only allow certain people to contact me outside of work hours. I only do 12 hours a week or so but with the frequent phone calls and voicemails and texts it's more like 18 hours. I'm a single parent and the money has been great but I feel like jacking it in now. I feel so uncomfortable with it all. Despite being totally inappropriate he is very kind and generous and funny and I have enjoyed the job but this latest sulk over a day out and me saying no to going away with him in the summer has tipped me over into dreading work now. He's said to stop messaging him and let the dust settle. I'm here thinking there's no dust to settle, I just told him thank you but no. I'm autistic and get things wrong so often with navigating situations. I hate confrontation too and I'm annoyed he's doing this.
How do I keep things professional?

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Just quit. I don't see why you wouldn't.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"The house is big and every room is filled to the brim with stuff. His late wife had hoarding disorder or whatever it's called and it's taken months to get it to a manageable level. I'm talking rooms piled 6ft high with boxes and bags of stuff"

Its going to take far more than one person i.e you here to clear all this and you could be there for many more months. He could pay professional people for this to be cleared but instead he would rather use a vulnerable adult to use, otherwise exploit and made to feel uncomfortable.

Is the person who told you about this man wanting such "help" is unaware of what has gone on.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

This is a safeguarding issue.

The police have responsibility to train staff how to recognise signs and take action to prevent abuse occurring. In addition, a core policing role is identifying and managing perpetrators who choose to target adults who are vulnerable. The Care Act underpins this duty.

So whilst it is not a case of calling all cars they should take this matter seriously. And what else would you suggest she does in the meantime?. This situation is untenable.

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

I'd be tempted not to even go round on Tuesday. As you say, get as much as possible in writing.

"Boss, I am just letting you know that I am resigning with immediate effect. I feel that you are blurring the boundaries of employer/employee and am no longer happy with the arrangement"

Then speak to whoever recommended you to him.

[wellhelloitsme]

How do I keep things professional?

You can't.

Because he isn't professional.

This is such a fucked up dynamic that you can't stay in this job.

Especially as he's not even just fixated on you but also on your kids.

Just no. Find a new job. I would personally quit this one in the meantime if at all possible financially, though I understand that may not be possible.

[WomanStanleyWoman2]

And what else would you suggest she does in the meantime?. This situation is untenable.

Did you just ignore the second half of my post?

But that said, I wouldn’t be comfortable with continuing to work for this man. He essentially thinks paying you for your labour entitles him to your company. It doesn’t. If you can’t afford to give it up, just be very clear on Tuesday that this is your job, not a hobby; that you are happy to keep working the hours agreed, but that’s all you’ll be doing.

[SmileyClare]

Leave this job. A polite excuse explaining you're starting another job is all that's needed.

It's fairly easy to pick up cleaning jobs locally, it pays pretty well and you can work 12 hours without it affecting your benefits.

Put an ad up locally or on the nextdoor app, obtain a couple of references and equip yourself with the basic cleaning materials you need to start up as a self employed cleaner. Obtain a UTR number online if declaring your self employment.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

No I did not ignore the second half of your post but you are advising her to see him on Tuesday. What is that going to achieve?. He's already contacting her multiple times outside of hours and has been asked to go on holiday with him (he probably expects her to share his bed too).

This whole situation is untenable and needs to end asap. She is unsafe in his presence and being in his house gives him even more power over her.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

No amount of money being paid here by him to the OP is worth any of this

[AnyFucker]

Just never go back and tell the fucking pervert why

He knew you had young children and has pushed for contact with them from early doors

I am finding it difficult to understand why you have been tolerating this for months, unless you literally need the money to put food on the table

[SmileyClare]

I agree, this set up needs to end ASAP. Find a better cleaning job.

Also change your mindset. He's not your "boss". You're essentially providing a self employed cleaning service therefore he's simply a customer.
You are not obligated to continue, and you are the one who sets out what you offer to a client, on your terms.

Bear this in mind when looking for new looking for a new cleaning job. You set out the hours, the service you provide and how much you charge by hour. Buy a cheap pay as you go Android phone for customers only, keep it professional.
You're your own boss.

If you're on UC, then your work advisor may be able to offer guidance on how to move forward, and help you find part time cleaning work in your local area.

[30mph]

What are you doing to ensure your personal safety? Please don't make the mistake of thinking elderly widower = harmless. He may not be so indirect when his manipulative attempts to encroach onto your private family space fail.

[EvenMoreFuriousVexation]

He is grooming you OP and in turn would groom your DC if given access.

Listen to your instincts here. I strongly suggest just resigning with immediate effect. You owe this man nothing - his behaviour is undoubtedly the reason his family stay away.

[madasawethen]

I would stick it out. Double your rate.
I've had to put up with jobs in the past that paid next to nothing and had overbearing coworkers or bosses.

Keep firm boundaries with him. Let him sulk. Grey rock. He talks about sexual things, cheating, whatever, pretend you didn't hear or say something neutral like hmmm.

Are the things you are clearing out going to the tip?

If so, keep the items worth selling.

He's probably sitting on a goldmine and could leave you a lot of money for putting up with a few more months of his bs.

[DuckbilledSplatterPuff]

I think your instincts are telling you that there is a lot wrong with this situation and you should trust your instincts.
It seems to me that the inappropriate behaviour is building up bit by bit and now has become extremely uncomfortable. You have tried to deter him, but its not stopping. Why wait for something worse to happen before you leave?

You sound worried that he will retaliate if you don't continue to co-operate with him.
Can you contact the mutual acquaintance who forwarded you for this job and discuss it with them?

As pp has said, there are other jobs - why continue to take the stress and the risk?
Make sure there is someone else with you on Tuesday.

[layladomino]

In your shoes I would resign with immediate effect. I'd put it in writing, along the lines as suggested above, and ask him not to contact you again. If he does contact you after that, keep a record and if necessay give him a final warning and say you're going to report him to the police if he continues to harrass you.

I appreciate it might be hard to resign immediately if you can't do without the money, but if you can afford it I think it's best.

[gherkinsaplenty]

Just to clarify: I am not a cleaner or carer. I don't do any cleaning or caring.

I'm reading all the posts and wondering how to return the stuff I have here for selling and make a swift exit.

[wellhelloitsme]

@madasawethen

I would stick it out. Double your rate.
I've had to put up with jobs in the past that paid next to nothing and had overbearing coworkers or bosses.

Keep firm boundaries with him. Let him sulk. Grey rock. He talks about sexual things, cheating, whatever, pretend you didn't hear or say something neutral like hmmm.

Are the things you are clearing out going to the tip?

If so, keep the items worth selling.

He's probably sitting on a goldmine and could leave you a lot of money for putting up with a few more months of his bs.

Please, please don't do this OP.

The safety and wellbeing of you and your kids is not worth it, even for doubling your rate.

Having this man in their orbit at all is not fair on them.

He isn't your boss, he's a customer. A client. You have no loyalty, no job protection, no HR etc.

Just walk (run) away and find something else.

[AnyFucker]

He's probably sitting on a goldmine and could leave you a lot of money for putting up with a few more months of his bs

Ugh. Perhaps op should sweeten him further to get her hands on his cash. Sleep with him ? Let him molest her kids ?

What the fuck

[beautyisthefaceisee]

He's not your boss.

He's a weird old man you have become entangled with. Run.

[beautyisthefaceisee]

@madasawethen

I would stick it out. Double your rate.
I've had to put up with jobs in the past that paid next to nothing and had overbearing coworkers or bosses.

Keep firm boundaries with him. Let him sulk. Grey rock. He talks about sexual things, cheating, whatever, pretend you didn't hear or say something neutral like hmmm.

Are the things you are clearing out going to the tip?

If so, keep the items worth selling.

He's probably sitting on a goldmine and could leave you a lot of money for putting up with a few more months of his bs.

Wow.

[Aquamarine1029]

I'll keep this simple. Do not ever see this man again. He's a creep.

[madasawethen]

Ugh. Perhaps op should sweeten him further to get her hands on his cash. Sleep with him ? Let him molest her kids ?

Of course not! She can keep her kids away from him. Don't bring them to his house. Don't accept lifts from him.

Just go over on those set 12 hours per week and do the job and get out.

[StressedOutMumBex]

Op, I think you should put it in writing and you should tell him that he has made you feel so uncomfortable. Your children and days out were not part of the work arrangement, I dont think you should just let him get away with this, he could do it to somebody else who is even more vulnerable, putting it in writing shows him that you are serious and you wont tolerate this, it is also a record (keep a copy) it would be helpful to show the police if he doesn't back off or continues to call you. I would just drop the letter in his letterbox and make sure it tells hm not to contact you going forward.

[billy1966]

@MaChienEstUnDick

I think the pp who said 'even perverts get old' needs a post of the day award to be honest.

Can you just give up the job?

It is not your fault, you have done nothing wrong and I actually think you've handled the situation really well. He's had decades of perfecting his techniques, you're just reacting in the moment. Stay strong, protect yourself and your kids.

I so agree.

Perverts get old but they don't change.

As a young girl in my 20's I had a narrow escape from a lovely friendly old man who was so sweet and lonely.🙄

Christ but I was naive and DIM.🙄

He asked to show me something in his apartment and in I went🙄, and suddenly out of nowhere the hair on my neck stood on end in the most primal way.

I kept a rictus grin on my face as I edged to the door and was out the door in a flash.

I could barely breathe with the sheer fright I got.

I never stopped and talked to him again, always rushing by and moved apartment a few months later.

Being older does not change your character.

Big life lesson for me and why I'm such a fan of "The gift of fear" by Gavin de Becker.

I'm so sorry OP, but this guy is bad news and you owe him nothing.

I wouldn't trust him for a moment.

His behaviour is disordered.

Put your safety first.

He has repeatedly disrespected your boundaries.

He is consumed with you filling a gap in his life.

The cheek of him.
The presumptuousness of him.
He's a sulker?
His family have the measure of him.

A 12 hour job has increased by 50% because of his harassment.

Put your safety first.