Boss annoyed/upset I don't want to spend my days off with him

[gherkinsaplenty]

NC as I don't want this linking to my other posts.
I started working for an elderly widower a few months ago. It's been great because it fits around the kids and is within walking distance.
From the start he's asked about days out with me and the kids. I've never agreed to anything and have gently said no thank you. He wants to pay for everything and there's just so much that makes me feel uncomfortable.
He tells me far too much information about his marriage to his late wife including about their sex life.
He tells me inappropriate jokes that ex work mates have told him along with lots of inappropriate stories about them and their infidelities.
He drinks heavily and drives the next morning as well as back from the pub.
He makes me feel like I need to justify doing things that's just me and the kids.
He's always offering me lifts and I won't accept because he's bloody dangerous when I have been in the car with him. He's hit 3 vehicles lately and not even noticed, pulls out without indicating, pulls out in front of moving traffic. I'm stressed thinking he's going to need me to go somewhere with him.
I'm working at his home essentially doing a house clearance before he moves into a retirement apartment next year. I really enjoy the work but I'm getting/got the serious ick about him and feel uncomfortable.
Despite saying I could work around the kids and not during the holidays he expects me to take them with me to his and wants me to work every day of the summer holidays. I've told him no and he's almost sulking. The dc have got an inset day tomorrow and we are off out for the day. He's upset because he thought he could take us out somewhere and was looking forward to it even though I never said yes to his invitation. He keeps grumbling about it and making out I've let him down. He has his own grown up dc and a few grandchildren and I know he's lonely but I don't want to be spending my days off with my boss. I'm a carer for a family member too and between my dc and caring I don't have much time to do anything. He phones me every day at least twice including on my days off and there are numerous texts too. I've now switched off my voicemail service and adjusted my phone to only allow certain people to contact me outside of work hours. I only do 12 hours a week or so but with the frequent phone calls and voicemails and texts it's more like 18 hours. I'm a single parent and the money has been great but I feel like jacking it in now. I feel so uncomfortable with it all. Despite being totally inappropriate he is very kind and generous and funny and I have enjoyed the job but this latest sulk over a day out and me saying no to going away with him in the summer has tipped me over into dreading work now. He's said to stop messaging him and let the dust settle. I'm here thinking there's no dust to settle, I just told him thank you but no. I'm autistic and get things wrong so often with navigating situations. I hate confrontation too and I'm annoyed he's doing this.
How do I keep things professional?

[gherkinsaplenty]

I can drop them round when he's out. I have keys so will drop those through the letter box with the letter. I've asked a friend for help to take the stuff back. It's either charity shop or selling he doesn't care which but I'll return it anyway.

[AnyFucker]

I really hope you aren't in any position where safeguarding is required because your advice is dangerous

I agree with this.

Op, don’t feel dirty. He is the tainted one, not you

Walk away now and never go back. Sell the stuff you have if that was the agreement and block him on all channels of communication.

[CPL593H]

@madasawethen

I would stick it out. Double your rate.
I've had to put up with jobs in the past that paid next to nothing and had overbearing coworkers or bosses.

Keep firm boundaries with him. Let him sulk. Grey rock. He talks about sexual things, cheating, whatever, pretend you didn't hear or say something neutral like hmmm.

Are the things you are clearing out going to the tip?

If so, keep the items worth selling.

He's probably sitting on a goldmine and could leave you a lot of money for putting up with a few more months of his bs.

For God's sake. What planet are you on?

OP, finish this now. Get the things you are holding back to him, resign immediately, block him, draw a line under it. This is the only healthy way to proceed. Maybe his only interest is in you (which is bad enough) but do not have your children anywhere near this. You don't need to manage it, you don't owe him anything, you need to extricate yourself.

[AnyFucker]

Ok, return it as long as you need have no face to face contact with him

[NadjaofAntipaxos]

I'm so sorry you have had this horrible experience and we'll done for recognising it and putting a stop to contact with him.

Please be careful when you give him back the items you have. I wouldn't put it past a man like this to try to continue with their attempts to control you, especially out of spite when you tell him you won't be working there any more. He might just decide to report you to the police for theft or something along those lines and deny having the items returned to him if you just leave them on his doorstep or take them back by yourself.

I agree with previous posters who have suggested giving them to the mutual acquaintance or taking a friend with you so you have a witness just in case. I very much hope I am being overly cautious in worrying about this but your description makes me think he could behave in really awful ways to try and manipulate and punish you. Unfortunately men like this often escalate their nastiness when the women on the receiving end assert their boundaries.

[RealBecca]

Hes a dirty old man. Dont let him near your kids, hes creepy as fuck. You dont owe him nice.

Take his shit over on Tuesday if you feel safe and say you've decided that this doesnt work for you and leave. Block his number. That it, you're then free.

[Blackbird2020]

I think the anxiety that this situation has caused you is turning it from a molehill into a mountain.

This is a casual cash-in-hand job. No contract, and no ‘resignation’ required. Just a simple “Unfortunately I’ve suddenly become too busy to be able to continue helping you. I’ll sell the last of the items I have and pop the money through the door for you when it’s done.”

It’s literally akin to a regular babysitting gig.

Focus on that fact, send him the message and Bob’s your uncle 😉

[BellePeppa]

He’s not your ‘boss’ as stated in your OP, he’s a creepy old man you’ve been helping out on a casual basis. Just stop helping and block.

[gherkinsaplenty]

Just a text? Seems rude. But then he's rude and he's taken advantage of nice.

[gherkinsaplenty]

He doesn't tend to read his texts though or email. It's going to have to be a letter. I'm turn between too busy and you're inappropriate and this is no longer a job for me.

[Blackbird2020]

But then he's rude and he's taken advantage of nice

Exactly 👏

A polite text explaining your situation is not rude. I’m guessing you are worried that he might find it rude. You need to stop doing that!

[Blackbird2020]

I always say keep the cut clean. Don’t start with the ‘you’ve been inappropriate’ as it will get messy.

Focus on what you want (not to have to deal with him again) and find the quickest and easiest way to get there 😉

[gherkinsaplenty]

Yes I got grief the other day for not telling him face to face that I didn't want to go out for the day tomorrow. Face to face would have required me to go round outside of my working hours so I wasn't going to do that and I like things written do I know what's been said.

[madasawethen]

Ok you don't want to do the job anymore. Just send him a text saying you're not going to finish the job. Then block him. Who cares if it is nice or not?
The sky truly is not going to fall by telling some weird old man to fuck off.

You're making a much bigger deal than this is.
Learn how to say no and mean it. Therapy. Freedom program.

Who cares about the stuff. You're worrying far too much about this.

Send the text then block. Problem solved.

[OldFan]

Dreadful @gherkinsaplenty Having a man give you the creeps is awful.

Quit the job and report his driving to the DVLA as he isn't capable of driving safely and may harm others.

I know it's disappointing to lose the money, but this isn't a situation anyone should have to tolerate. xx

[billy1966]

This is 100% on him.

Drop the letter, brief and to the point.
Returning his stuff with a witness is wise.
Take a photo of the stuff and keys returned.

Then block his number.

If you see him, blank him.

You don't owe him nice and polite.

He's not a good man.

Re the police and drink driving.

Emailing the local station and confirming you have reported his drink driving numerous times may focus minds.

Write that you are desperately concerned his will seriously injure someone.

[gherkinsaplenty]

Because he's in contact daily, he's liable to turn up at my door because he's only round the corner and it's making me really anxious. If I wrote a letter I know he's got it and I'll have a copy of it and he can't message back or argue the point or try and persuade me just to drop my hours.

[Maisymoomoo22]

Take the stuff around when he’s out and leave it on the doorstep or better still take it around yourself and have someone with you as proof you’ve handed it back.

Warn your ds and dd to NEVER go in to his house, as you’ve said he lives just around the corner so they may come into contact with him one day.
The sooner you cut all ties with this creep the better and keep your doors locked in case he turns up on your doorstep and tries to let himself in!

[madasawethen]

If he's like that, a letter isn't going to make any difference.

How is he going to argue with you if you block him?

If he shows up at your door, tell him to leave or your calling the police and do it.
You owe him nothing at all.

[ChagSameachDoreen]

He sounds like a nonce, to be perfectly Frank's

[ChagSameachDoreen]

*frank

[Changechangychange]

@ChagSameachDoreen

He sounds like a nonce, to be perfectly Frank's

He does. OP did the creepy behaviour and enthusiasm for hanging out with your children start before or after he found out you have a teenage daughter?

[Crikeyalmighty]

I have a horrible feeling my FIL would be like this too . Since his partner died he really misses female company and latches on to any that he gets and gets a bit OTT with it. Like others have said OP I think you have to bow out because he clearly needs and wants a companion and you are not that person-

[AchatAVendre]

Why are you calling him your boss? It sounds like you're what is known as an independent contractor and are working informally, possibly cash in hand.

Anyone else would have put a stop to this before now. What is it you are actually doing and why is it taking so long? You're reorganising his belongings before he goes into sheltered accommodation and this is taking months at 12 hours per day? You know there are companies which do this in one day?

It sounds like he is aware of this and thinks he is paying you for something else! The whole set up is so odd, just pack it in and forget about the money!

[Newestname002]

@gherkinsaplenty

Reading your OP and subsequent posts have made me feel slightly sick. This man is manipulative and creepy and you will be much better not having anything at all to do with him. Trust your instincts.

I agree with previous posters who have suggested giving them to the mutual acquaintance or taking a friend with you so you have a witness just in case. I very much hope I am being overly cautious in worrying about this but your description makes me think he could behave in really awful ways to try and manipulate and punish you. Unfortunately men like this often escalate their nastiness when the women on the receiving end assert their boundaries.

I agree with this. ^^ He's been trying to get his hooks into you by his controlling and inappropriate behaviour and I totally agree you need to step carefully in getting yourself thoroughly away from him. Warn your children to have the chain on your door when they answer the door and not to let him in if he turns up at your home.

Have a sensible, confident witness with you when you pack up the stuff you need to return to him (take a video on your smartphone) and also have that same witness with you when you return his stuff. Leave your key and go, then block him. BTW I'm assuming he doesn't owe you any money for work you've already done?

Tell the mutual friend what you've told us in your posts and that you'll be going no contact with this man.

Good luck OP. 🌹