Boss annoyed/upset I don't want to spend my days off with him

[gherkinsaplenty]

NC as I don't want this linking to my other posts.
I started working for an elderly widower a few months ago. It's been great because it fits around the kids and is within walking distance.
From the start he's asked about days out with me and the kids. I've never agreed to anything and have gently said no thank you. He wants to pay for everything and there's just so much that makes me feel uncomfortable.
He tells me far too much information about his marriage to his late wife including about their sex life.
He tells me inappropriate jokes that ex work mates have told him along with lots of inappropriate stories about them and their infidelities.
He drinks heavily and drives the next morning as well as back from the pub.
He makes me feel like I need to justify doing things that's just me and the kids.
He's always offering me lifts and I won't accept because he's bloody dangerous when I have been in the car with him. He's hit 3 vehicles lately and not even noticed, pulls out without indicating, pulls out in front of moving traffic. I'm stressed thinking he's going to need me to go somewhere with him.
I'm working at his home essentially doing a house clearance before he moves into a retirement apartment next year. I really enjoy the work but I'm getting/got the serious ick about him and feel uncomfortable.
Despite saying I could work around the kids and not during the holidays he expects me to take them with me to his and wants me to work every day of the summer holidays. I've told him no and he's almost sulking. The dc have got an inset day tomorrow and we are off out for the day. He's upset because he thought he could take us out somewhere and was looking forward to it even though I never said yes to his invitation. He keeps grumbling about it and making out I've let him down. He has his own grown up dc and a few grandchildren and I know he's lonely but I don't want to be spending my days off with my boss. I'm a carer for a family member too and between my dc and caring I don't have much time to do anything. He phones me every day at least twice including on my days off and there are numerous texts too. I've now switched off my voicemail service and adjusted my phone to only allow certain people to contact me outside of work hours. I only do 12 hours a week or so but with the frequent phone calls and voicemails and texts it's more like 18 hours. I'm a single parent and the money has been great but I feel like jacking it in now. I feel so uncomfortable with it all. Despite being totally inappropriate he is very kind and generous and funny and I have enjoyed the job but this latest sulk over a day out and me saying no to going away with him in the summer has tipped me over into dreading work now. He's said to stop messaging him and let the dust settle. I'm here thinking there's no dust to settle, I just told him thank you but no. I'm autistic and get things wrong so often with navigating situations. I hate confrontation too and I'm annoyed he's doing this.
How do I keep things professional?

Why are you worried about being rude to the man described as follows?

He tells me far too much information about his marriage to his late wife including about their sex life.
He tells me inappropriate jokes that ex work mates have told him along with lots of inappropriate stories about them and their infidelities.
He drinks heavily and drives the next morning as well as back from the pub.
He makes me feel like I need to justify doing things that's just me and the kids.
He's always offering me lifts and I won't accept because he's bloody dangerous when I have been in the car with him. He's hit 3 vehicles lately and not even noticed, pulls out without indicating, pulls out in front of moving traffic.

If your daughter was in your predicament and asked if it would be rude to say by text you wouldn't be coming back, would you tell her "yes, you'd be rude to do that so you should make sure you end it nicely"? Or would you say "he's pushed your boundaries, been inappropriate, is creepy, doesn't care about others on the road, sulks that you don't give him time with your kids that he feels entitled to and is not someone you should spend any further time with so a text is fine"? Hopefully the latter. Do what you'd tell her to do. Model safe, self preserving behaviour to her.

Just read your update. A letter then.

NOT face to face.

He's a master manipulator who will leave you feeling guilty and confused which you're clearly vulnerable to.

Again, NOT face to face.

@gherkinsaplenty get on Indeed/Reed and search for jobs. I don’t understand why he pays you 12hrs a week to sort out his house. That should take a day or two, not weeks.

Report him to the police if you know he's drunk driving. Every time.

The rest? If you want to keep the job, tell him every single time he's inappropriate: 'I don't want to hear about your sex life. That's not respectful or appropriate.' Or 'My life is very busy with my kids and friends. You are my employer; I don't tell it's appropriate for us to go out socially.' Or if he keeps on, 'You are my employer, you're twice my age and I'm just not interested in spending my free time with you.'

He's not buying you, op, you're doing a job for him. Entitled old twat.

I knew someone like this when I was in a very similar role to you.

He was also a very lonely alcoholic from a very privileged background but through his alcoholism ended up almost broke and very alone.

He paid me so he thought he owned me and just like you sent me numerous texts hassling me and demanding my attention.

I always remember him saying 'he who pays says.'

Frankly he was abusive and an embarrassment and the only way to stop it was to end it, which I did by email.

You cannot repair or reason with this type of person (in his eyes you are way beneath him and his needs) and you need to cut him off.

Just be very careful that he doesn't accuse you of anything. My one did but nothing came of it, as I think the local police were well aware of him and his ridiculous drunken antics.

Maybe you could just say in the letter that when you took the clearance job on you had no idea it was going to take this long, and unfortunately you are no longer able to commit to doing any more. So you are returning the keys etc.

write the letter and with a friend post it tomorrow by hand with the items you have.

block his number. Ignore him. If he gives you any grief, report him for harassment straightaway.

So many things are going round my head where I've thought wtf? The latest being saying he would have liked to attend ds's concert at school and thinking I'd go with him to drop off goods at 6.30 in the morning!!! On a school day no less. Messaging me at 1am. Telling me he's bumped into the neighbour's car coming back from the pub and claiming 4 pints of beer is below the limit. What his does with his life is not my business although I have reported the drunk driving but encroaching on my private time is too much. He's lonely and bereaved but it's not for me to fix him.

How do you know the person that set this you up?

I'd be ending that friendship too! I suspect they know EXACTLY what he's like!

I strongly suspect having worked in elderly care myself that the reason you were sought out is because he's burnt all his bridges with local professionals precisely because of his sleazy behaviour - nobody will work with him!

Do not under any circumstances let your dc anywhere near him he sounds predatory and dangerous

Also report him for the drunk and dangerous driving before he kills someone! To the Dvla and keep reporting to police why they aren't responding to this I don't know

Be careful how you do things....he could contact the authorities if its cash in hand.

I wouldn't put it past this guy to accuse you of stealing/financially abusing him

You've put yourself in an incredibly vulnerable position in this job even though you say you've no caring responsibilities here what if he had an accident due to where you moved something? Have you even got public liability insurance for such an incident?

It makes me wonder why his dc aren't keen to spend more time with him or go away with him.

Again they know exactly what he's like!

He actually reminds me of my dad (who abused me) just because he's elderly doesn't make him an innocent, I had very little to do with him as an adult but other people didn't know why specifically.

My dad was charming, intelligent, funny, entertaining, incredibly generous (when it benefited him)

He was also controlling, jealous, possessive, aggressive, violent and predatory

Nobody is "all bad" and abusers KNOW they have to charm to reel their targets in.

It's a very random and potentially outing situation but the person we both know is not a friend of his but knows him. She is totally shocked by what I've told her and very supportive of me.

I'm working the letter in my head now and will drop it off later with the keys. I'm keeping it brief and not giving any room for him coming back with any ifs or buts.

So many things I have dismissed as being weird or belonging to another generation but I'm seeing them all too clearly now for what they are which is plain old inappropriate. It feels like I'm ending a brief relationship not a job and that's telling in itself.

I'll be so relieved never to have to get in the car with him again. Apart from drink driving it's the fact when sober he knocks into other vehicles and doesn't notice! He needs to be off the road. He's in his 80s and I think he still thinks he's in his 20s sometimes. He'd be a bantering boy racer if he was.

I'm struggling to word the letter.

Do you want to have some help with the letter? Or let us know how it's going so far?

A good rule of thumb with this kind of things is to write a bit of a stream of consciousness then get someone else to have a look and get rid of all the detail that isn't absolutely necessary and anything that can be countered / bargained. You'll probably find it doesn't need be more than a paragraph!

Remember, it's a statement of fact not a negotiation or mediation starting point.

Why are you writing a letter it's a casual agreement.

I'm not coming back. And block. Done

Yes please! I have a tendency for too much detail in my determination to make myself understood clearly.
Here's what I've got so far:

Dear Inappropriate man,

After careful consideration this weekend I have concluded that I am no longer able to continue working for you, effective immediately, due to your inappropriate behaviour, blurring of our business agreement, and my priorities to my own family.

Regards,
Gherkins

@beautyisthefaceisee there's no guarantee he will read a text or listen to a voicemail. He's useless with technology. I want to ensure he gets the message and his keys.

On your marks .... get set ....... RUN!!

That's a good letter.

I think that's fine!

I would add "Your belongings that were in my possession can be found (inside your porch / wherever you put them) along with your keys."

Or something like that. As he'll use them to try to contact you otherwise.

And have someone (ideally the mutual contact) witness you physically doing this.

OP I really cant understand why you havent ran earlier.

Do not JADE this individual I,e justify, argue, defend or explain. The letter needs to be brief and to the point.

Dear inappropriate man

I wish to tender my resignation with immediate effect. No further correspondence will be entered into.

yours sincerely

gherkins

@beautyisthefaceisee I can understand that someone might value having some work and not want to give it up if they can help it/find it difficult to just drop it, especially if it's money for their family. It is a shame for the OP that her work has ended up this way. I had a situation a bit like this and it was disappointing and infuriating.

But you're doing the right thing @gherkinsaplenty xx

Because I can be hasty and it's this last week that things have ramped up and everything has clicked into place. I'm quite new to boundaries. I find them difficult. I've been approaching meltdown and the sulking and manipulation over the day out and holidays was the final straw. He knows I'm a carer on a daily basis for someone and that there's no one else to do that caring yet thought I'd be going off here there and everywhere with him. He suggested going to a theme park in the holidays and I was baffled why a man in his 80s would want to do that. Thorpe Park at 80 with serious heart complaints?? Really?? No. And a few days away somewhere. He'd pay etc. No. I've been on my own a decade and I'm independent and fully capable of paying for things myself and am self reliant. I'm getting the rage now.

I think the letter is good - concise and to the point. Prepare for argument and whitewashing from him. I would just block him at this point but that might lead him to show up at your home.

I understand exactly how you got here. No one expects this kind of thing until they’ve experienced it. I don’t think you’ll find yourself in this situation for so long again.

The letter is fine OP. To the point. As someone else said- add in that his stuff and keys have been left xxx.

Why did you ever need to get into his car- when you said he only lived around the corner???

This letter. Much shorter. No explanations. Only add in that you’ve left the keys/belongings at XYZ place.