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Original poster

Why am I always the other woman

314 replies

Pomped · 02/07/2022 13:03

Can I start by saying I’m in a hugely sad and vulnerable place so if you read this and your reaction is to tell me I’m a vile human being / wannabe homewrecker then it’s nothing I haven’t already felt about myself.

I find myself in a third consecutive relationship (over a 5 year period) where I am the ‘other woman’ to a married man. The pattern keeps repeating itself. The relationships have been of varying lengths (the longest over 2 years and nearly broke me) each time ending in stalemate and a civil relationship with the man. Both men are still vaguely in my social circle but I have no feelings for them any longer.

my own long term relationship (proper! Not affair!) ended several years ago as we ended up more as companions. But there was some overlap with affair no 1 and no 2. Affair partner no 2 was a big part of my relationship breaking down, although I didn’t recognise that at the time.

I now find myself 4 months into a deja vu situation. This man, as have the others, is older, claims his marriage is over (and as a first there are no children involved which I suppose has given me hope). We have had an extremely intense 4 months and I have fallen head over heels. It has genuinely felt like a soulmate situation. He has told me that we will be together but he can’t give a timescale. He’s never going to leave, is he? Over recent days and weeks I’m finding myself more and more frustrated and embarrassed that here I am again, allowing myself to be a bit on the side. Knowing he has social plans with his wife at the weekend and holidays planned. I feel depressed and demoralised. I know I should end this but why do I keep falling in to these traps??? And why am I never ever good enough as the initial promise of me?

Thank you to anyone who has read this ramble.

OP posts:
Lacedwithgrace · 02/07/2022 13:05

No-one is forcing you to be the other woman. If you don't want a man to cheat on his wife with you/don't want to have anything to do with a married man you simply don't. The rest of us all manage! Get some self respect, walk away from the mess you've caused and make sure the next man you pick is actually single

Original poster
Pomped · 02/07/2022 13:06

I think it’s the lack of self esteem that’s the crux of the issue. Deep down I don’t feel I’m good enough for anyone

OP posts:
LoonyIdea · 02/07/2022 13:06

Stop banging married men. And that includes all men who are married, living with their partner but it’s over, living with their partner but she doesn’t understand him, getting a divorce but it’s not through yet, extracting themselves from any LTR at all and anyone that hasn’t been properly 100% single for a minimum of a year.

just stop.

FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander · 02/07/2022 13:07

Why are you allowing it to continue once you know he’s married?

I’d suggest some therapy to address your self esteem so that you can set boundaries and simply aren’t willing to accept being someone else’s side hustle.

Pinkbonbon · 02/07/2022 13:07

Well this current guy for a start, sounds like he love bombed you (Google love bombing). Because whirlwind things where you feel like someone is your soul mate just 4 months in...are usually a huge red flag.

But basically, it sounds like you aren't vetting them well enough. Like you're missing the red flags early on. Eg: not being able to call them at certain times or not staying over at their house often. Or not meeting their friends and family. Stuff like that can point towards them being married.

Notagain76 · 02/07/2022 13:07

I think you know the answer to your question. Maybe you need to be single a while and work on yourself. You deserve so much better than this and even if he finished with his wife would you truely trust him not to do to you what he’s doing to her.

PetersRabbitt · 02/07/2022 13:08

3 times, and in a row is quite a lot dont you think? You must be accidentally putting yourself into these situations because no one is that unlucky.

You already know this is not going to work out so concentrate on yourself or start looking for someone else in the meantime who is single and who you want to maybe start something with. It will make it easier to walk away from this married man. Definitely look at ways to get out this situation and quickly because it will only end badly for you, he will be fine as he still has his wife.

SpiderVersed · 02/07/2022 13:08

Unless they are living separately, just say no. If they are still living in the marital home you should know better by now.

How can you care about someone who clearly doesn’t respect you and lies or gaslights you? You deserve better.

Bananasplits2 · 02/07/2022 13:09

I know someone like this. It is actually very simple to understand why it is happening - and that is because you are letting it. The way to stop it is to just refuse to engage in that way with married men. Say no. If they insist there is a connection, and you feel there is one, then make it clear you won't entertain it until they leave their wife.

Ultimately, I think it will only stop until you feel so terrible that you think I never want to feel this way again and put boundaries and actions in place to prevent this happening again. In the majority of cases, men who behave like this are no prize. You are better than this. Onwards and upwards OP - focus on you, take back control, send him a message saying you realise he's not for you and doesn't satisfy you, who cares how he feels, be ruthless in taking back your feelings and protecting them, and then make a list and plan for all the things you're going to do that will love and cherish YOU.

WafflyVersatileOohOoh · 02/07/2022 13:10

You’re not falling into anything, you’re actively getting involved with married men, and also had an affair yourself.

Nobody is forcing you. You’re choosing to do this.

Blue4YOU · 02/07/2022 13:10

Hi OP - well counselling might be your friend here.
Get onto counselling, self-help books etc.
Bit the truth is no-one is trapping you. You let it happen if not actively make it happen.
There was no hole in the ground where you fell into, onto three married cocks.
Do you enjoy feeling like you’ve “stolen” someone from their wife?
Do you only get worth from men wanting to have sex with you?

HundredMilesAnHour · 02/07/2022 13:10

Are you able to explain why you don't walk away as soon as you find out these men are married / in serious relationships? It's very easy to break this cycle.

Lilly11a · 02/07/2022 13:11

Are you afraid to be on your own? Is it a case of any attention is good attention.

You need to break up with married man , take a break of at least six months and learn to be happy to sit with yourself.

Once you are happy and healthy in yourself you will then attract similar and not be interested in the dynamics you are currently in

IfItQuacksLikeADuck3 · 02/07/2022 13:11

I was going to suggest lack of self esteem if I'm honest...
I've kinda been in the similar positions in the past..not with married men but shagging about with arseholes. I slept with 2 people who I found out afterwards had partners but had absolutely no clue at the time. Basically I just didn't care about my welfare. Just sleeping with idiots and I had no self respect.
You have to love yourself and realise you are worth more. There was a really useful thread on self esteem the other day. I'll see if I can find it

HinchcliffeandMurgatroyd · 02/07/2022 13:13

Nobody can make you an affair partner against your will.

If self esteem is an issue and you’re in a negative pattern then stay away from men while you get counselling for a year or two.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 02/07/2022 13:13

You say the pattern is repeating itself as if it happens independently of you. Actually you are the pattern. It's time to acknowledge that you have agency in this. You'll feel better for taking charge of your own decisions.

And you don't seem to value yourself. How can anyone else value you if you don't value yourself?

Ditch Mr Married Man forthwith.

AhAgain · 02/07/2022 13:14

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
Pomped · 02/07/2022 13:14

No I’m not able to explain why I don’t walk away. Again, self esteem I imagine. And I believe the love bombing (thank you to the poster who directed me towards that).

All of these relationships have arisen at work (different workplaces) which makes it difficult for a clean break but I have done it twice before.

I think I do need to work on myself but I’m terrified of being alone, and with my latest relationship I’ve really believed this could be the one….until I’ve realised the patterns of my behaviour and that it’s all making me so, so miserable.

I don’t want to be this person anymore. I know I am awful.

OP posts:
Onceuponaheartache · 02/07/2022 13:14

At your own admission some of these mena re in your social circle which presumably means their wives are also.

I'm sorry but you have made a conscious choice to engage in these affairs.

I have zero sympathy and the woe is me bollocks is pretty poor form.

Own your behaviour.

sleepymum50 · 02/07/2022 13:15

Don’t take it on trust, if a man says his marriage is over. Don’t get into a relationship if you can’t do the normal things you’d do with a single man. Ie spend time at his place, meet his friends, be open about the relationship on social media. Look for evidence that he’s effectively single.

Polish up your lie detector. Because men do lie when they want to have their cake and it it too.

worriedaboutmoney2022 · 02/07/2022 13:15

Pomped · 02/07/2022 13:06

I think it’s the lack of self esteem that’s the crux of the issue. Deep down I don’t feel I’m good enough for anyone

If you carry on like that nobody decent will entertain you - stop what your doing - and stop being the other woman

Take ownership of the situation and have some respect for yourself

mycatisannoying · 02/07/2022 13:16

Pomped · 02/07/2022 13:06

I think it’s the lack of self esteem that’s the crux of the issue. Deep down I don’t feel I’m good enough for anyone

Nah. You've just got poor judgement and self-control.

The pattern continues because you allow it to.

Bellyups · 02/07/2022 13:17

Your first paragraph is very accurate.
You have a brain, a voice, and I really hope, some empathy. Just stop fucking married men. It is NOT hard.

AprilLight · 02/07/2022 13:17

Pomped · 02/07/2022 13:06

I think it’s the lack of self esteem that’s the crux of the issue. Deep down I don’t feel I’m good enough for anyone

It’s this my lovely. The men see it and they take advantage of it. No judgement. Get some therapy.